by Patty Blount
My dad tore a strip of tape from the roll and wrapped it around the gauze. “He spent a long time believing he killed Darrell. Finally, a priest told him that God only cares about intent. Pop put down the bottle and never touched alcohol again.”
Well, Jesus. “Why didn’t he finish the damn story? And why the hell didn’t he tell me the story back when I was getting drunk every day?” I flung up my arms in a wide arc.
“He tried, bud. You weren’t ready to hear it then.”
“Jesus.” I swallowed a lump. I had no memory of this.
There’s a surprise.
Shut up, Kenny.
I shook my head, tried to shake loose what little I could remember. There was a whole lot of stuff I hadn’t wanted to hear back then. I didn’t listen, so now he wouldn’t talk to me.
Poetic. I grabbed my head with both hands and sighed. “Dad, Pop asked me if I meant to hurt—”
“Stop. You’re my son. I know you didn’t. I know.”
I tried to talk. Instead, I grabbed him in a bear hug.
“Okay, okay.” He patted my back and pulled away, a smirk curling his lips. “Move on to the lying scumbag part.”
I couldn’t suppress the eye roll. “That’s about Julie. Pop thinks it’s wrong that I haven’t told her the whole story.”
“And what do you think?”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what I think. I have to keep the secret or we’d just have to move again.”
“Dan, I told you when we went through with the whole name change thing…I’ll stand behind you whenever you feel the need to tell the truth.”
“I know, Dad. I’m just not—” I was going to say I wasn’t sure, but that wasn’t true. “Hell. I’m freakin’ terrified to tell her. She’ll run screaming into the sunset, never to be seen again.”
Dad slapped my head. “Exaggerate much?”
I glared, and he laughed.
“Oh, come off it, Dan. A girl likes you for the first time. It’s natural to want to impress her, to keep that going for as long as you can. But at some point, it’s going to get serious. When that happens, guess what also happens.”
I thought for a minute and shrugged.
“She’ll either figure things out on her own or something will slip out. It’s inevitable.”
“So you’re saying I should tell her?”
Dad shrugged. “When you’re ready, yes. The longer you hide it from her, the bigger it’ll get. And if she’s as special as you seem to think, she won’t go running for the hills.”
“Sunset.”
“Whatever.” He put the first-aid kit away. “I’ll finish cleaning this up. Go get your homework done or something.”
Thank God. I was talked out for the day. I didn’t mention that I had no homework. I wanted nothing more but the privacy of my room, but Kenny had another idea.
You need to apologize to Mom.
I blew out a loud sigh and turned back. “Dad, you seen Mom?”
“Check upstairs in our room,” he said. “Oh, take this.” He fished in the pocket of the jacket still lying on the table, tossed me a box.
“Chocolate?”
Dad winked. “Greases the wheels, buddy. Trust me.”
I rolled my eyes and headed upstairs to my parents’ bedroom. I found my mother curled in the comfy chair we used to share when she read me bedtime stories, staring into a cup of coffee. I swallowed and squatted down beside her, but she continued staring into the cup. Her hair was tied up in a messy ponytail, and her eyes were dull.
I did that.
Man, stop the pity party and take care of business.
“Mom, I’m sorry,” I whispered and held out the box of chocolate.
She looked up and smiled, and I was forgiven. Just like that.
“Thank you, honey.” She took the box. “Oh. Godiva. You’ve been talking to your dad, I see.”
My face heated.
“And now you should tell me why you weren’t in school today.”
My eyes popped. “Um—”
“Let me guess. Julie?”
I nearly convulsed.
“Relax,” she laughed. “I’m not giving you ‘the talk.’”
God, take me now. Please.
“Okay. Changing the subject. From the noise downstairs, I’m guessing you and Pop finally talked.”
I was still dumbstruck, so I merely nodded.
“And that it didn’t go so well.”
Another nod.
“Okay. Here’s my take—and this is just an opinion. I don’t know if it’s fact.” Mom slipped the ribbon off the box of chocolate. “I think Pop knows he lost Nan because of his own thick skull. He’s trying to make sure you don’t follow in his footsteps.”
I blinked. “Mom, Julie and I aren’t together like that.”
“Why not? I thought you really liked her?”
I winced. “I do. It’s not that simple. She has…problems of her own. Her brother killed himself, and it destroyed her dad’s family. She lives with her mom.”
“Suicide? Oh God. You said her name was Murphy. Do you think it’s the same Murphy?” The coffee cup rattled on the saucer.
Been there. Done that.
“Mom! Calm down. It’s not me. She said it happened in Maryland.”
My mother’s eyes slipped close for a second. “Thank God.” She sipped from her cup again and smiled. “Sorry. Panicked. So, are you thinking of telling her the truth?”
I stared at my feet. “I…God, I hate all the lying, but I’m afraid.”
Mom patted my hand. “Okay. Some advice? Give it some more time. See how things go. Teenage girls, well, we’re an erratic bunch.”
I laughed.
“What?” she said. “My teens weren’t that long ago, you know.”
I laughed harder, and she pretended to swat me.
“Come on. Let’s get dinner.”
She stood up, and instead of walking to the door, she grabbed me in a frighteningly strong hug. I hugged back and heard her sniff.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. We raised you right. I know we did. This never should have happened to you, and I’m sorry I let it—”
Dread swelled. “No, Mom!”
She pulled away, rolled her damp eyes. “Okay, okay. No more tears. I just can’t believe how big you are now. I sent the county a little boy, and they gave me back a man.”
I didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”
“No more sorry either. Just be happy.” She rubbed my face, the same side she’d slapped. She popped another chocolate in her mouth, grabbed the box, and hurried downstairs with me on her heels, laughing.
We ate…together. Just pizza, nothing fancy. Pop didn’t say much, but he stayed instead of eating in his room. I went to bed happy for the first time in a very long time.
————
Thanksgiving was a quiet event. Mom and I cooked the turkey. It had been a tradition since I was released from juvie. I liked cooking. Not just because I liked food. It took a lot of food to maintain my six-foot-three, 220-pound body. Cooking gave me back some control. We had fun. Mom did the turkey and stuffing. I was in charge of all the trim. It was just us for dinner—Mom, Dad, Pop, and me. We had no other family. When dinner was over, Mom curled up with a book while the football game was on. Pop was…civil, I guess. It was better than nothing. Even Kenny was uncharacteristically quiet.
It was about as perfect a day as I could hope for.
The next day, I called Brandon.
“Hey, man. Got plans?”
A long silence. “Um. Not really.”
“Wanna hang out?”
Another silence. “I guess.”
Oh, he’s psyched.
> “If you have something better to do—”
“No. No, it’s fine. Come over whenever.”
“Okay. See you in like twenty minutes.”
————
Just after noon, I parked in front of Brandon’s house. I got out of the car, and Hagrid barked out a hello from the house next door. Julie appeared in the window, stared at me for a second, and then disappeared.
Hagrid went quiet. I stood for a long moment, my hands clenched.
Don’t just stand there. Knock on the door. Ask her what’s wrong.
Isn’t it obvious, Kenny? She’s ashamed.
I shook my head and strode up Brandon’s front walk.
“What’s up?
I shrugged. “Got bored. Thought I’d let you try to beat me at Call of Duty.”
Brandon snorted and quoted Yoda. “‘There is no try.’”
I rolled my eyes. “Are we playin’ or not?”
We wasted a few hours shooting at things and blowing things up.
“Jesus, man, you suck at this.”
Kenny laughed his butt off at that.
I sighed. “Sorry. My head’s not in the game.”
Brandon ended the game. “Let me guess. Your head is next door. At Julie’s.”
With a wince, I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t figure her out.”
“Can’t help you there,” he snorted. “I’ve lived next to her for years and never really talked to her until I met you.” The grin faded from Brandon’s face. “You didn’t come here to hang out, did you?”
My head snapped up. “Yeah, I did. Really, I did.”
“Bullshit, man. You’re just using me.”
He’s got a point.
My jaw dropped. “No! That’s not true.”
Brandon grabbed the controller out of my hands. “Just…just get out of here, man.”
“Brandon, come on, man. I swear I came over because I thought we were friends.”
He laughed once. “You know, he said you’d say that.” He reached behind him and shifted the flat-panel display around so I could see it.
Brandon’s favorite social network was open. I clenched my teeth as I read Jeff’s latest post:
You’re such a loser. You don’t even notice Ellison is just using you to get into Julie Murphy’s pants.
I will kill him, Kenny raged in my head.
Chill. Let me think. I sucked in a deep breath, tried to regain control over my temper. “Let me get this straight. This guy—he used to be your best friend—hasn’t talked to you since his mother died, tries to beat you up every chance he gets, but posts one comment about the guy who not only tries to save your ass but actually likes hanging out with you, and you believe him…just like that?”
I stood, the fury making me shake, waited for Brandon to deny it.
He didn’t.
This is when I’m supposed to say ‘I hate to say I told you so,’ right?
Shut up, Kenny! I pressed my hands to my temples.
“Sorry you feel that way,” I muttered.
Brandon said nothing. I turned, left his room.
Outside in the cold November air, I huddled into my hoodie, fished for my car keys. It was freakin’ cold, but I needed a run.
Now.
I got behind the wheel, started my car. While it warmed up, I took one last glance to my right.
Brandon stood at his window, arms crossed, face stony. While I glared up at him, he uncrossed his arms and waved one hand with an exaggerated flourish toward Julie’s house.
Julie also stood at her window, arms crossed, face stony.
I clenched my teeth.
Let’s get out of here. Now.
I shifted into gear and drove to the beach, leaving them both with their faces pressed to the cold, cloudy glass.
Black Friday
I couldn’t call Dr. Phillips—she was away for the holiday—so I ran on the cold sand until my lungs were ready to explode. I didn’t have my iPod, but the whipping wind and crashing surf did much to drown out Kenny’s ceaseless ranting. I came to a stop, chest heaving, choking on my own spit.
Alone again.
I turned and stared at the waves that pounded the shoreline for a long moment, erasing the footprints in the sand. There was a broken shell at my feet. I heaved it as far as I could, watched it splash down, and thought, This would be so easy.
So, so easy.
The waves could have me. Pound me. Erase me.
Guess again, Einstein.
Kenny stood beside me, pointing down at the retreating surf.
There was the broken shell I’d just tossed into the ocean, coughed up like the brussels sprouts I could never make myself swallow.
You’d just get spit out. So come on, let’s go home. You know it’s Black Friday, right?
So what?
Good sales. We need to get Julie a Christmas present.
My lips twitched.
I knew he wouldn’t let me do it.
————
I headed back to my car, surprised to find another one parked next to it. I hadn’t seen another soul since I got there.
I aimed the key fob at my car to unlock it. Stowed in the back of my car, I found a towel and a dry shirt. I quickly stripped off the hoodie and the sweat-soaked T-shirt underneath and while I was at it, ripped the bandage off my hand. I coughed and wished I’d brought some water bottles with me.
“Dan.”
I spun, instinctively coiling into a fighting stance and cursing Kenny for not giving me any warning.
He sat on the rear bumper pretending to be casual. You afraid of girls now?
“Julie.” I stared at her, then Kenny, then her. Yeah, she was real. “What the hell—”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to…um…scare you.” Her eyes honed right to the scars on my chest, and I cringed, quickly shrugged into the new shirt, and covered it with the sweat-damp hoodie.
“Oh, Dan, I—”
“Don’t.”
My single-word plea sounded like a harsh curse. Maybe it was. I didn’t know.
I slammed the rear door down on top of my Kenny apparition and got into the driver’s seat. Julie slid into the passenger seat. Unfortunately, Kenny was unharmed and now in my backseat. When he held up a middle finger, I turned to stare out the windshield and ignored them both.
We sat there for a long moment, me coughing and staring over the steering wheel, Julie rubbing her hands together and blowing on them. She wore a thick ski jacket, a hat, and gloves, but she was—
She’s cold, dude.
I cursed and started the car, jacked up the heat, and went back to staring out the window.
“What do you want?” I demanded between coughs.
“To apologize.” She dove into the bag and pulled out a bottle of water, broke the seal, and handed it to me.
I guzzled half of it, wincing against the cold burn.
She still hadn’t said anything.
“Thanks,” I muttered, tipping the water bottle at her.
She shrugged in response.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked when I couldn’t stand the silence for another minute.
“I followed you.”
“Why?”
“To apologize.”
“Yeah, you said that already,” I prodded.
“Dan, could you, like, look at me? Please?”
I cursed again and turned my head.
“There are some things about me you don’t know—”
I cut her off with a loud laugh. Her secrets couldn’t possibly be worse than mine.
It’s not a contest, dick.
I sneaked a glance at her face and sobe
red up quickly. “Sorry.”
“Remember when I told you about my brother and…and my dad?”
I went still when her hand rose to rub her cheek. But I didn’t say anything.
“He’s…well…he’s a mess. That’s why I don’t see him.”
I turned to face her, swigged more water.
“He shows up sometimes. Without calling first. Then there’s all this…this…tension and anxiety and crap. And you…I don’t want—”
Feeling like a total jerk, I held up a hand. “Stop. It’s okay. I get it.”
She whipped her eyes to mine. “You do?”
Jeez, she looks worried.
Kenny was right, so I backed off. “Julie, I didn’t mean to make this harder for you. I just thought you and me—” My face burned, so I left the thought unsaid.
She smiled, and damn if that didn’t wipe my mind. “You and me what?”
“I thought we were kinda more than friends, you know?” As the words left my mouth, it hit me like a kick to the head just how much I hoped they could be true.
Her smile widened only to suddenly dim. “We are, but—”
But? My temper spiked. “But what?” I demanded, out of patience.
“Dan, I—” Her face reddened. “Hell, I like you. A lot. I want us to be way more than friends, but we shouldn’t be. We’re seniors. We’ll be going off to different schools, different careers. I mean, why start something we can’t—” She trailed off with a loud sigh and pressed her head against the seat rest.
She’s wrong, man. Tell her she’s wrong. We won’t forget her.
My mind was stuck on the way more than friends part and that got my heart pounding at an erratic pace. I stared at her for a long moment.
“Julie, all that stuff? It’s the future. It’s like a year away. And your dad? That’s the past. Can’t change any of that, no matter how much we want to, and believe me—” I stopped myself, swallowing hard. “All we have is this.” I waved a hand between us. “Right now.”
She didn’t look convinced, so I reached out and took her gloved hand. She let me hold it and then changed the subject. She rubbed her thumb over my knuckles. I tried not to combust.
“You and Brandon fight? You looked pretty upset when you left.”
