by Ira Nayman
“That’s right,” a skinny blonde woman smiled as she stepped into the area next to them. “Breathe in that sweet, sweet oxygen. That’s what it’s there for. Go ahead. I’ll wait.”
“Who…are you?” Biff Buckley asked.
“Me?” the woman said, her hand fluttering to her chest. “Still recovering from nearly choking to death, you…you want to know who I am? My, what a gentleman you–”
“Okay,” Beau Beaumont blurted as he raised himself to his full height. “So, who are you?”
“Adelina Cosine,” the woman responded, spine stiffening.
Biff Buckley got to his feet. “Well, thank you, Adelina Cosine,” he said to her. “You probably just saved our lives.”
She beamed at him. “When you gentlemen are ready,” she advised, “we can leave through the tunnel I bored through the devices…”
“We’re ready,” Beau Beaumont informed her.
“Really?” Adelina responded. “It’s a rather…long tunnel.”
“How long?”
“Four…four and a half blocks.”
Biff Buckley whistled. “That’s a lot of machines.”
“They were excited to see you.”
“Why?” Beau Beaumont wanted to know.
Adelina’s brow furrowed. “We…we don’t get many visitors in this neighbourhood.”
“Why don’t we get started?” Biff Buckley suggested.
Adelina smiled. “To each their prawns,” she said and led the way through the metal tunnel.
After the two investigators had introduced themselves to her, Biff Buckley asked, “What…happened to the machines?”
Adelina explained that she introduced a virus into one of the automatic pencil sharpeners on the outer edge of the machine pile. The virus immediately spread through the machines, shutting them down as it went. “I wouldn’t feel too bad about that,” she stated. “It was like…putting down a puppy. Except, there were over 10,000 puppies. And, they were made of metal. And, they were about to kill you.”
Besides, Adelina reassuringly added, there were billions and billions of low-grade AI-enhanced machines throughout the world. When Biff Buckley and Beau Beaumont seemed less than reassured by this, she stated that the still operative machines had been warned to give them a wide berth, and that the pile of dead machines would stand as a warning to anything that might be thinking of disobeying this command.
Beau Beaumont, marvelling at the smoothness of the walls of the passage, followed up, “How did you get through all this metal?”
“Oh,” Adelina replied, blushing slightly, “a girl must have some secrets, Mister Beaumont.”
“How did you even know we were there?” Biff Buckley followed up on the follow up.
“Ah. That, I can answer,” she answered. “When the Transdimensional Authority lost contact with you, it sent a message to our contact here with your last known coordinates. I was sent to find out what had happened to you.”
“So,” Beau Beaumont said, “you know Jeff Spaghettini.”
Strange things happened to Adelina’s face when she heard this. Her brow raised – it wasn’t exactly a frown, but it appeared to be using many of the same muscles as a frown. At the same time, her lips curled ever so slightly upwards, as if she was holding back a smile. Meanwhile, her eyes darted back and forth like a cornered animal looking for a way out. Looking at her was like looking at that old game where strips of three different people’s faces were put together; it was quite disconcerting, however, to see it happening on one person’s very live face.
Oh,” she finally said, “I…I don’t believe I ever had the pleasure of meeting him. My…the request to help you that I got came from JairCorn2201b.”
“I don’t understand,” Beau Beaumont said. He said it a lot, so over the years he had developed different tones to give it different shades of meaning. This time, he mixed gratitude with swagger and indecision, adding a hint of Cayenne pepper for spice.
Adelina was saved from having to respond by the trio finally leaving the tunnel and entering daylight. Beau Beaumont and Biff Buckley blinked rapidly in the harshness of the sunlight.
“There are none so blind as those monkeys who see no evil,” Adelina commented.
Behind them, the men saw a metal igloo that was at least 65.327894 feet high and four blocks long. And, the warning that had been given to the machines seemed to be working: although swarms of shoeshine’s, PDAs and auto-tomic clocks buzzed over the neighbouring properties, they made no move to approach the investigators. Otherwise, the lawns and houses where they were looked exactly the same as the ones where they had been.
“All right,” Adelina chirruped, “who wants birthday cake?” She span on her heel and started walking down the street. (After she stopped spinning, of course, because then she would be a top and that would be dizzying for all concerned, and might even be dangerous for the neighbourhood if she span fast enough to create a funnel cloud.) The two men followed.
I’ll bet that’s gonna make traffic difficult! Beau Beaumont thought.
Where is all the traffic? Biff Buckley thought. “I can’t help but notice,” he started, but, before he could finish the thought, a lawn mower lurched into life behind a house to their right.
“Nice lawn, Da…Davey!” Adelina shouted at the house. She turned to the two men and confided, “Everybody in the neighbourhood is so house proud, you’d think we were on a reality show or something!”
As they continued walking, they failed to notice the dark figure that attempted to jump the fence between the two properties, got snagged and fell on its face into the back yard of the house next door.
“It’s a very lovely cake,” Adelina stated. “Chocolate and pineapple and a very pretty shade of green.”
“Whose birthday is it?” Biff Buckley asked.
“Birthday?” Adelina blinked.
“Yes. Who…whose birthday is it? Who is the cake for?”
“I…I made a birthday cake,” Adelina repeated. “When we get to my house, would you like some?”
“Uhh, not while we’re on the job,” Biff Buckley said. “Thanks.”
“There don’t seem to be a lot of people,” Beau Beaumont started, but was interrupted by the whirring of a vacuum cleaner from a front room in the house on their right. Looking towards it, he could see a buxom woman’s figure through the curtains, pushing a machine.
“That’s Da…Darcy. Mrs. Darcy,” Adelina told them. “She spends so much time cleaning, it’s a wonder she has any time left for particle physics!”
“Particle physics?” Beau Beaumont asked.
“It’s good to have a hobby,” Adelina responded. “It makes the dreariness of suburban housewifery so much more bearable, or so I’m told. Anyway, here we are!”
Adelina held out a hand towards a house that didn’t look any different than any of the other houses that they had passed. “Oh, it may not look like much,” she said, “but, as they say, a man’s castle is his moat!” She frowned and added: “I wonder why they say that.” Tossing her hair back, she laughed, “They sure do say some strange things, don’t they?”
Before either of the men could say anything, Adelina opened the gate of the white picket fence, walked along the stone path and up the porch stairs and entered the front door of the house. Biff Buckley and Beau Beaumont could do nothing but follow.
Adelina sat them down on a divine divan (covered in plastic) in a comfortable front room. Biff Buckley immediately noticed the family photos on the mantel over the fireplace. One showed a middle aged Asian man in a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” apron flipping a piece of ahi sushi on a barbecue while a young white woman on the lawn in the background waited for a child’s torso and legs in the air to fall into her arms (and presumably the rest of the child, although it was out of the frame, so perhaps one shouldn’t assume…). Another showed a black woman eating a peach while a white man with his arm around her waist was getting his shoes shined by a machine. Biff Buckley winced at this one. Ano
ther photo showed a red-haired teenage boy in the driver’s seat of a car; he was looking with trepidation at the steering wheel in his hand. There could have been a reasonable explanation for the fact that the photos appeared to belong to completely different families, but Biff Buckley had more pressing matters on his mind than finding one.
“Can I get you anything?” Adelina asked. “Tea, coffee, enteric coated low dose aspirin?”
“What can you tell us about JairCorn2201b?” Biff Buckley asked.
“Jer…JairCorn2201b?” Adelina answered, flustered. “It isn’t – I don’t mean – how do you know about JairCorn2201b?”
“You said he contacted you to help us?” Biff Buckley prompted.
“Oh, yes, I did, didn’t I?” Adelina continued to flust. “I didn’t think – it wasn’t – oh, you know how a girl can get!”
Biff Buckley smiled reassuringly. “Take your time,” he advised her.
“Are you always this considerate?” Adelina asked him.
“I think I’m gonna be sick!” Beau Beaumont commented.
“Would you like an airsickness dog?” Adelina offered.
“Adelina?” Biff Buckley asked, “About JairCorn2201b…?”
Before Adelina could answer the question, the front door burst open with a loud crash, and a male voice announced, “Honey, I’m home!” A tall man breezed into the living room, took Adelina in his arms and gave her a passionate kiss. You could tell there was electricity between them (if you were paying close attention – a spark flew between their lips just before they met).
They made a lovely couple. Adelina, her chestnut hair freely flowing, in a simple skirt, a cashmere sweater and pearls, a dimpled smile glowing in her soft, fine features. Her husband (who will introduce himself to us momentarily – have patience) was tall and ruggedly handsome and looked good in a stylish business suit. If there was one – one would hesitate to call it a problem – it was more like a glitch, and not a very prominent glitch at that – if there was one minor glitch – a small hiccup, really – with this image of married bliss, it was the padded bra that the man was wearing over his otherwise very impressive suit jacket.
After a moment, Adelina broke the embrace and the man turned towards Beau Beaumont and Biff Buckley. Extending a hand in greeting, he said, “Daniel A Cosine. And, you are…?”
“Umm…uhh… Biff Buckley,” Biff Buckley Biff Buckleyed, ignoring the proffered hand.
“Beau Beaumont,” Beau Beaumont, shaking the man’s hand firmly, Beau Beaumonted. “We’re with the Transdimensional Authority.”
“I’ve heard of you,” Daniel A said, “but…” he followed Biff Buckley’s eyeliner to his chest, where the bra looked uncomfortably out of place. “What, this old thing? It used to belong to my grandmother!”
Adelina shook her head.
“No,” Daniel A said, “no, actually it’s…part of an early Halloween costume.”
“It’s November,” Beau Beaumont pointed out.
“A very early Halloween costume.”
“Honey,” Adelina whispered, “you’re embarrassing our guests.”
With an edge in his voice, Daniel A replied, “Well, we can’t have that.” After a moment, he remembered to add: “Sweetie.” Then, he took off the bra and stuffed it into a pants pocket. The pocket was only partially obliging, however; one of the straps fell out of it and halfway down his leg.
“Well,” Daniel A slapped his hands together, “as I was saying, I have heard of the Transdimensional Authority, but I can’t say I know exactly what it is you fellows do…”
“Well, Mister Cosine,” Biff Buckley started.
“Please, call me Daniel A,” Daniel A insisted.
“Alright, Daniel. Our job is –”
“Daniel A.”
“Eh?”
“Daniel A. My name is Daniel A.”
“O…kay. Daniel Eh, it is vital to –”
“Daniel A.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No, you said Daniel Eh.”
“I don’t see the difference.”
“The difference is in where you place the emphasis.”
“The emphasis.”
“That’s right.”
Biff Buckley considered this for a moment. “How about if I just never refer to you by name again?”
“That would work.”
“Okay, then. In order to keep the multiverse safe, traffic between dimensions is carefully controlled,” Biff Buckley explained. “When we detect something or somebody moving between realities without proper authorization, TA investigators are sent in to find out what is happening.”
“That sounds awfully exciting,” Adelina cooed.
Daniel A plastered a smile on his face. “Honeybunch, don’t you have something to do?” he asked.
She asked the two TA investigators, “Would you like to stay for dinner? I’ve got a…hold on a second…” The pupils of her eyes rolled up inside her head, leaving the whites for a moment. Then, they returned. “Now, I’ve got a roast in the oven.”
“Thank you very much, Adelina,” Biff Buckley replied, “but it’s not quite noon, so it’s too soon to make a dinner commitment.”
“There,” Adelina harshly told her husband. “I’ve done it.” Then, she turned back to Biff Buckley and beamed.
Daniel A let out a long breath, then smiled to himself and said, “And, what brings you to our fair community?”
“Official business,” Beau Beaumont uninformed him.
“You might be able to help us, though,” Biff Buckley continued. “We’re looking for our local liaison, Jeff Spaghettini?”
Daniel A’s face did that three stripsey thing. “Never heard of him,” he finally said.
“Maybe we should take them to the museum?” Adelina suggested.
“The museum?” Beau Beaumont asked.
“That’s not a good idea,” Daniel A bluntly stated. “Honeypotty.”
“They have a right to know,” Adelina argued. “Stickysweetums.”
“They’re not from here,” Daniel A argued back. “They wouldn’t understand. Oogywoogyiggledypiggledy.”
“What museum?” Beau Beaumont asked, his voice rising.
“You don’t know that,” Adelina insisted. “Snookywookietummywummies.”
“May I have a word with you in the kitchen, please?” Daniel A spat out and, without waiting for a response, took Adelina by the hand and led her out of the room.
Beau Beaumont leaned over to his partner and, in a low voice, said, “She likes you.”
“What, Adelina?” Biff Buckley responded. “She takes some getting used to, but I like her, too, I guess.”
“No,” Beau Beaumont insisted, “she really likes you.”
“What do you – oh! OH!” There was silence for a moment as Biff Buckley considered the implications of what his partner had said.
“You could use this to help the investigation,” Beau Beaumont pressed.
“Oh, no, I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I wouldn’t want to lead Adelina on.”
“Why? Because she’s married and you come from a different universe? Every great love faces obstacles, Biff, but these seem very overcomeable to me.”
“No, Beau, it’s because I’m –” Biff Buckley stopped himself. Since he was no longer in mortal peril, the truth seemed less urgent than maintaining a good relationship with his partner. “No, no, you’re right. It’s the different universes thing. It would never work.”
“See, that’s where you’re –” Beau Beaumont’s relationship advice was pre-empted by the crash of a plate against a wall in a nearby room. Two voices were raised in anger. Although they couldn’t quite hear everything that was being said, the two TA investigators could make out the words, ‘Spaghettini’, ‘defenestration’ and ‘maggot-spiter’.
After an uncomfortably long time, the shouting stopped and Adelina and Daniel A returned to the room. Daniel A had a long cut down the side of
his left cheek that gleamed blood red. Beau Beaumont and Biff Buckley were so busy not staring at the freely dripping gash, that neither man noticed the fading red glow on the index finger on Adelina’s right hand.
“Well, that’s settled, then,” Adelina beamed. “I think you’ll find the museum very interesting.”
“All due respect, ma’am,” Beau Beaumont disagreed, “we’re not here to go sightseeing.”
“Have you ever noticed, Mister Beaumont,” Adelina stopped beaming, “that when people start a sentence with the phrase ‘With all due respect,’ they mean no respect at all? It’s like a boss saying, ‘I’ll make this brief –’ you just know he’ll be talking your ear off for the next couple of hours.”
“Point taken, ma’am,” Beau Beaumont replied. “Still, I don’t see how going to a museum is going to be helpful to our investigation.”
“You’ll see when you get there,” Adelina advised.
So, Biff Buckley and Beau Beaumont piled into a sleek vehicle in the garage of the house next to that of the Cosines. (The couple didn’t own a vehicle and Adelina assured them that the neighbours wouldn’t mind.) “Hey, Madge,” Adelina said.
“Hey, Adds,” the vehicle responded.
“I’d like to take these visitors to the museum,” Adelina told it.
“Fasten your seatbelts,” the vehicle advised. “It’s going to be a bumpy night!”
The engine purred to a start and the vehicle smoothly left the driveway and started down the street. Adelina turned in her seat and said, “Don’t mind her. Madge actually has a very smooth ride. It’s just that she has a library of Bette Davis quotes, and she uses them every chance she can!”
Ten minutes later, the three of them were standing before a sign in front of a six story building that read: “Uncanny Valley Medical Facility and Karaoke Bar.”
“This is the museum?” Beau Beaumont wanted to know.
“Buildings are never repurposed in your universe?” Adelina asked, and walked through the sliding front doors without waiting for an answer.
As they walked through the first floor, Biff Buckley couldn’t help but notice how clean the medical facility was – it certainly seemed uncontaminated by patients. There were no six year-old boys with toy soldiers stuck up their noses. There were no 16 year-old boys with Barbie dolls stuck up…orifices other than their noses. There was nobody in the coffee shop putting off the time when they would have to go to the room that contained their ill loved ones, counting down the moments to the end of visiting hours in bites of donut. There were no people making a thoughtful last minute purchase of flowers at the gift shop (which was just as well because flora was thrown out the moment visiting hours ended due to its unfortunate tendency to suck all of the oxygen out of a room at night, much to the detriment of patients). There were no interns stalking the hallways, muttering to themselves that they didn’t go to medical school to have urine thrown at them by senile patients, nor were there doctors striding through the hallways like gods wondering why they are the butt of so many golf jokes by late night talk show ho –
