Her fingers spread over my wrist and she gives it a gentle squeeze. “I told you I don’t care Xavier is famous. He isn’t you, and you aren’t him. I have no interest in using you to get to his fame. I don’t want it. Never have, and I don’t think I ever will.”
“Have you not even thought about the prospect of maybe getting to meet him?”
“I’ve never thought about the prospect of meeting Xavier Alexander, hockey phenom. When you’ve told me about him and… Jackson, right?” I nod my head confirming his name for her, and then she continues, “I’ve thought about meeting Jackson and X-Man, your brothers. I’m curious to see you three together, I suspect you’d be a riot. And a lot of fun as a group.”
It’s not the answer I expected, but I kind of like she wants to meet them both. It’s far too soon for anything like that, and I have zero intentions of introducing her anytime soon, but I like she wants to get to know Xavier—one third of the Alexander brothers—and not Xavier Alexander, badass hockey star. I like she included Jackson too. It confirms her intentions. People usually couldn’t give two shits less I have another brother who is an attorney. “Well, I don’t know about a riot. They are both complete pains in my ass. They drive me up a wall—just like you do.” I wink at her and take a drink. “You three would probably get along well, if I’m being honest.”
“I hope you are. That’s what we agreed to, right? Honesty and building trust? And a relationship?”
“Relationship or friendship?” It’s not cool of me to put her on the spot, but I need to know if she’s heading the same direction as me, or if I need to pump my internal brakes.
“Can it be both? I think trust, and a solid relationship have the foundation of friendship, but…” She takes her hand off mine and pulls it back, twiddling her fingers. She doesn’t often show signs of anxiety, but I think she’s experiencing some nerves right now.
“But?”
“But I think with everything: you being so desirable, the time we’ve spent together, our chemistry and attraction… Um… Well I think I want to see if there’s more in the cards for us than just friendship. And I don’t want to only be friends with benefits. I’m too old for that now.”
Sweet baby Jesus, she does want more too. Thank God. Her admission thrills me, but that nagging, untrusting little voice in the back of my mind tells me to run far and run fast in the opposite direction. “I think I’d like to see where this takes us, too.” I ignore it, choosing to listen to my heart instead.
“Good, I’m glad.” She picks up her menu and holds it in a way that hides her face from me. She didn’t lift it fast enough to shield the blush or excitement that flashed over her face though. But I won’t call her on it. Not now at least.
“Their filets are magical here. I highly recommend it.” I open my own menu, glancing at the sides to choose which two I want tonight. I know them like the back of my hand, but sometimes reading them makes one or two stand out as what I really want.
“I’ll get one then, thank you. What do you recommend with it?” She lowers the menu just enough for me to see her eyes, and I can see the lightness in them.
“They have great side salads, and their mashed potatoes and green beans are the best, period. There aren’t even places back home with better.” After recommending to her, I know that’s exactly what I’m going to get, so I set my menu down. “If we are trying for more, maybe we should discuss a little deeper subject?”
“What do you have in mind, Dr. Alexander?” She smirks and sets her menu down on top of mine; giving me a taste of her feisty side I’ve come to really appreciate.
“Last relationship you were in, why did it end? You know mine; she used me to get to Xavier. What I didn’t tell you was I thought she was the one. We weren’t officially living together, but she had a key to my place, and I was hoping she would make it permanent. Until I was done with her.”
She takes a sip of her wine, but only a small one. “Well, I met Mitch at Starbucks around the time my best friend found her forever guy. We were actually meeting for a coffee that morning to discuss her night with Cody—who she is engaged to now—and my ex was the barista who made our drinks and bought our pastries for us. He left his number on my cup.”
Of course he did, he probably figured it was the smoothest, hottest thing that would land him a girl. Sadly, it sounds like it worked. She can do so much better though.
“So you two started dating after that?” I don’t want to share my thoughts or editorialize until after she’s told me the whole story.
“We did. He was seeing me and someone else, before we were exclusive, and with some encouragement from a good friend, I made my move. She changed my outlook on that actually, in case you missed the fact I don’t have a problem doing it now.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “No, I noticed. I like it. So continue with your story. He was dating you and someone else until you made your move, then you two were exclusive?”
She nods. “We were. I was head over heels for him after a while. I thought he was everything I needed. I didn’t care he only worked at Starbucks. He loved it, and it was just to pay the bills until he finished with school—he started classes late—and started his career. Things were good.”
“Until they weren’t. What happened?”
“I want more out of life than he does. He was content with keeping things as they were. He dropped out of school. He blew money his parents had spent helping him out because he liked his hours, and working at Starbucks was all he would ever need. It wasn’t like he was ever going to have a family to support.”
What an asshole.
“So he didn’t plan on forever with you?”
“It wasn’t that so much. He figured we would stay together, but he didn’t see us growing in any way. When I asked him where he saw us in five or ten years, he said we would be in the same positions we were already in. Having a good time, maybe living together, no kids, maybe he would be a manager at Starbucks by then. He didn’t have to work a better job, though, I’d be making enough for both of us…”
What a putz.
“No offense, but he sounds like a fucking loser.”
She sighs and gulps down some cold water. “He really wasn’t a loser. He just didn’t want any better for himself or me, either. And while I would have no problem being the primary income earner, the assumption I would without discussion irked me. Plus, I wanted more for us. I wanted kids. I wanted marriage. I loved him and thought he would be the one. Instead I left with a broken heart—self-inflicted—because I was so wrong about him.”
“I think it makes sense that would happen. I agree with you there is nothing wrong or shameful about working at Starbucks. There is nothing wrong with the woman in the relationship earning more. I think it’s great so many opportunities are available for women now. I would’ve hoped my sister would have had the same opportunities. But it’s important to be open, and to still strive for the best. Would he have considered being a stay-at-home parent?”
I smile across the table at her, and she looks like I’ve grown a third eye or a second head. Her expression is unreadable, and her mouth is slack. “You have a sister?”
“I’m sorry?” I didn’t even realize I was sharing, it just came out naturally. She calms me and makes me act without thought.
“You said you would have hoped your sister would have the same opportunities. I didn’t know you have a sister. Is she a half-sister? You’ve never mentioned her before.”
“Wow. I didn’t even realize I’d let that slip. We had a sister. Erin was born between Jackson and Xavier. They all had two years between them. And the four of us were thick as thieves. There wasn’t a soul on this planet who could’ve broken our bond.”
“What happened to her?” Dee whispers quietly. I’m sure she can tell by the words I’ve used Erin isn’t here with us anymore.
“Cancer. It was a rare form of leukemia; she was ten. It wrecked us all. We were old enough to understand everything. I was th
irteen at the time, and she was my baby sister. She’s why we run the foundation. We know what it’s like for families to suffer through treatments, diagnoses, highs and lows, and loss. That’s why we have NJX and why we continue to help families. It’s something close to all three of our hearts, and our parents’.”
****
Dee
Holy shit.
I never would’ve guessed he had a little sister who they lost. He’s never mentioned her, hinted at her, he’s done amazingly well keeping that part of himself hidden. I suspect very few people in his life know about her. I don’t even recall information about Erin popping up in news stories about Xavier.
“I’m so sorry, Nate. I can’t even imagine what that was like for any of you. I really can’t.” I swallow back, trying to process and not overreact in any way.
“Thank you.” He rubs a hand along his jaw and looks down at the table. “It was pretty awful. It’s not something we share, really. It feels too personal and people will try to use it as a means of exploiting stories and comments. Not so much for me or Jackson, we just don’t talk much about it. But Xavier protects it, protects her, too. We don’t want Erin being used as a poster child for anything.”
It’s disgusting people would ever even think to use their baby sister, who has passed away, for some sort of story or means to get closer or draw out comments. But I guess it’s the world we live in. So few people value respect, privacy, or personal space now. The digital age has caused newer generations, and even some of the older generations, to think they’re entitled to anything and everything they want. A glimpse into an actor, singer, or athlete’s life on Picstagram or any other platform somehow makes everyone think they deserve to know every detail of people’s lives.
That’s not the case. Sadly, it sounds like the Alexander boys haven’t seen the good side of humanity lately, and I understand a lot more why he has kept everything so close to the vest.
“I understand. I wouldn’t want her exploited or used to further someone else’s agenda either. You mentioned Micah has a rare form of leukemia. Is it the same Erin had?”
The look on his face softens and he nods his head. “The exact same kind. Micah is already fairing so much better than Erin did. Erin passed twenty years ago, though. Science has advanced medicine so much since then.”
So many things make sense now. I didn’t really question the foundation before; good people do good things. But knowing the foundation is in honor of their sister in a way they can control, and Micah has the same form of cancer she did, I understand why they’re closer to Micah. “You said she was between your brothers. Was she closer to any of you than the others?”
Our meals are brought out and we go silent while the waitress sets the plates down and clears the appetizers we were nibbling on, courtesy of Luke.
“She and Xavier were the closest. He was the youngest, and true of so many little girls with baby siblings, she saw him as her own personal doll to hold, help feed, and change.” He speaks so fondly of her it makes my heart swell with happiness, yet crack with the weight of the loss, even all these years later.
“I bet that was adorable to see.”
He folds his napkin back over his lap and takes out his fork and knife, getting ready to cut into his steak when he stills and looks up. “Ya know, it was. We thought it was hysterical growing up. She always treated him like the baby. Even after she was diagnosed. He doesn’t talk about her much, but I think it’s because losing her took half his heart too. They were inseparable.”
My heart hurts so badly for them. It really does. I don’t have siblings, but I do have a couple of cousins who I look at more like siblings. They are younger than me, and they’re actually siblings, but I can’t even imagine how wrecked I would be losing either of them. And we got to grow into our teen and adult years. Nate and his brothers never got the opportunity with Erin. They lost her before she even had a chance to grow into herself.
“I don’t know what to say, Nate. All I can come up with is I am so sorry. For your whole family. You and your brothers are doing such an amazing thing in her honor with your foundation. I understand why you don’t share the fact you had a little sister, but hopefully one day the rest of the world can know her name too.” He swallows his food and nods his head. With the lighting it’s hard to tell, but I think he may be a little emotional over discussing her.
Instead of changing topics or pushing more, I settle into the silence with him while we eat. My mind is on his family, their sister, and all the good they’ve done. I’m sure his mind is on his sister, the loss of someone so special in his life.
I’m not sure how much time we sit in silence eating, but both our plates are near empty when he sets his fork and knife down, takes a drink of his water, and then studies me.
“What?” I wipe my napkin over my mouth carefully, hoping I don’t have food or anything covering it.
“You just keep amazing me is all. Thank you for allowing me to speak about my sister and not pushing me for more. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome, Nate. But that’s something you don’t need to thank me for.”
He lets out a disbelieving sound and rolls his eyes. “It is though. So many people don’t care enough to just listen without inserting their own struggles in.”
“I know. I’ve met plenty, my ex being one. But I’ve never been a believer in that. I think everyone’s problems are just as serious as others’ too. Hurt, loss, pain, none of it is a contest. What may be ruining my day might not ruin yours. But in my life, it’s big and having an impact. Whatever you have happening may not seem like a huge deal to me, but in your life and your current situation it is a big deal. Mine shouldn’t outshine yours, just because I don’t think yours is bad enough.”
“Wow. You’re an incredible woman.” He reaches down and lifts my hand up, pressing a kiss to the inside of my wrist. “So, let’s get back to your ex. Would he have been a stay-at-home dad? Since you were making the primary income.”
I snort and this time I’m the one rolling their eyes. “No way. He hated kids. He never once went to the gym with me. And he flat-out told me I wanted more than he would ever want to give me, so we should probably just break up. He didn’t want to live under my rule or disapproval the rest of his life.” I shrug my shoulders as though his words, his change of mind, didn’t affect me.
“What an asshole. Do you want to have kids? What do you want in five years, or ten?” He throws my questions back at me, and instead of intimidating me, I’m grateful he asked. Very few people do. It’s like it’s wrong to want the life you dream of for yourself.
It’s something I’ve thought so much about since Tate and Cody got together, since Lillie came into everyone’s life. I’ve seen something I never knew was possible. More than that, I’ve seen it’s not only possible; it’s also something you can work for and make even better with time. “I want kids. I don’t want my own sports team full, but one or two probably. I want to work and love my job, but maybe cut back to part time when the kids are young. I want a partner in life. Someone who has my back when I’m taking things on by myself, but also someone who isn’t afraid to shield me when I need it.”
He digests the information for a few seconds, taking a drink of his scotch, and keeping his fingers on the glass when he sets it back down. “I think that sounds like a good life.”
I agree with him. But it’s not much of an answer. Did I scare him off; does he want someone more complacent? He always says he likes my wilder, more outspoken side. But maybe not in a life partner. “Do you want to elaborate? What do you want?”
“I never thought much about it. After Megan and I broke up, I gave up on trust and love.” He shrugs a shoulder as though the words he just spoke weren’t a bombshell detonating between us.
“So you don’t want anything now?” I’ve done this once already, as much fun as he is, as amazing as he is, I can’t do it again.
“I didn’t say that.” He takes the last bite
of his steak and chews slowly, like the mechanical process in his mouth is somehow the same process he’s using to think and chew over his words. When he finally swallows, he dabs at his mouth and rests his elbows on the table, angling his hands together in prayer position. “I want a partner, someone I trust with my everything, my family’s everything. I don’t give a shit if she has a better job than me, a different job entirely, or she wants to stay home and raise our kids, because I want those too. But dreams are just that, Dee. They’re dreams. It doesn’t mean they’ll become reality.”
He is so jaded, so defeated by past actions and relationships, I don’t think he realizes it can and does happen. I’ve seen it, felt it from the outside of two of the strongest couples I’ve ever met. “I think they will. You deserve all of that and more, Nate. Don’t give up because a few people were the wrong people.”
“So you believe happily ever after can happen?”
“I do. I’ve seen it, I’ve witnessed highs and lows overcome by two people madly in love. It’s not easy, there are bumpy patches in the road, but I know it can happen.”
“So confident,” he says lightly. “I hope you’re right. For you and for me.”
I hope I’m right, too. I hope if things grow between us, he trusts I won’t pull a Megan, and I won’t betray him, his family, or their secrets. I won’t give him any reason not to believe in me, in us, or what we could build together.
Twenty-Five
Dee
Conversation lightened back up after we discussed our future dreams and plans. We put cancer, lost loved ones, past relationships, and broken hearts behind us to focus on fun and laughter. I know his favorite color is royal blue, his favorite number is seven, and he absolutely hates guacamole.
He knows I broke my wrist when I was twelve, I tried to cut my own hair when I was around four, and I won my first gymnastics title when I was thirteen.
Doctor Desirable: A Hero Club Novel Page 19
