Trevor emerges from the second bedroom, and I jerk at the sound, but it only takes me a few seconds to relax now. It’s amazing how reassuring it is having two lethal men with guns on my side for a change. “I slept all day,” he says as he sinks onto the sofa and grabs his laptop. “I’ll keep watch tonight. You two can get some shuteye.”
Apparently I look as tired as I feel. Despite the rest I found in Ford’s arms when we arrived, I haven’t had more than an hour at a time since I was taken, and though it’s only a little after 8:00 p.m., I’m exhausted. Also…nervous. We talked so much, even kissed a little. But what happens now?
Ford links our fingers and helps me to my feet. The look he gives me…his hazel eyes are so intense, my insides clench—a subtle warmth creeping all the way down to my toes, and I want more. More than I’ve ever wanted since we were last together.
Staring at the bed as he shuts the door, I fumble for the shirt still tied around my waist. “Do we…need to be ready to run?” I ask.
“There’s been no sign—”
When his answer comes from right behind me, I yelp softly and whirl around, my hands slapping against his strong chest hard enough to send him stumbling back a step. “Oh God. I’m sorry. I…” With a shake of my head, I shrink away and focus on my breathing to get my heart rate back down to something close to normal.
“What’s wrong, buttercup? What did I do?” Ford’s so apologetic, so worried, but to his credit, he doesn’t follow me. Just stands still and watches me with concern.
“I…I can’t stand anyone coming up behind me. It’s stupid. I knew you were in the room. I asked you a question. But—”
“You can’t reason with PTSD, Joey.” Ford sinks down onto the mattress, choosing the side closest to the door. “No coming up behind you. Noted. You don’t have to explain unless you want to.”
Now I feel even worse. “I do. But I don’t know how. Not without…going back there. And I can’t…not yet. Not here.”
Nodding, he reaches for the edge of the blanket. “Can I hold you tonight?”
“I was hoping you would.” My cheeks warm, and I can’t figure out how to explain what I need. And what I don’t. But when he takes off his boots, then shoves his legs under the covers, I stop unlacing my sneakers to stare at him. “Ford? I’m not that…delicate.” His brows draw together. “When we were together before…we slept naked. Or you’d sleep in your briefs. You can’t tell me you’ve started sleeping fully clothed in the last twenty years, just because.”
Frustration stiffens his shoulders. “Joey, you’re the most important person in the world to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But this is all new territory for me.”
“Me too.” Though I don’t remove my tank, I unbutton my pants and let them fall to the floor, exposing my scarred thighs and black panties. A groan rumbles in his chest, and my nipples tighten under the bra and tank. I don’t know where my sudden burst of bravery comes from, but this is Ford. The man I was going to marry. He’s seen me naked. Or…at least the twenty-two-year-old version of me.
“I want you to be comfortable, baby. If you need me to sleep with my boots on every night for the rest—” he shakes his head, “I will.”
For the rest of our lives. That’s what he was going to say. A smile tugs at my lips, and for a moment, I feel like I’m normal. Like I’m not broken. Not damaged. Not scarred. Like maybe we’ll be able to come back from everything that’s happened and find our happy ever after.
“I can handle you without pants.”
“Only if you’re sure.”
At my nod, he gets to his feet, and then he’s standing across the bed from me wearing only his black briefs, and I can’t look away. The bulge in the material makes me long for more, and an unfamiliar need stirs deep inside.
“I want to be close to you,” I whisper. That’s not all I want, but it’s all I can manage to say for the moment. Snuggling up to him, I rest my hand on his chest, the light sprinkling of hair tickling my fingers. “You’ve changed so much. The last time we were together like this…”
“The last time, that hair under your fingers wasn’t partly gray.”
My laugh settles me, and I lean up on an elbow. “I like it. Makes you look distinguished.”
“You mean old, right?” Ford brushes a lock of hair away from my face and trails his knuckle along my jaw. “We wasted so much time.”
“How did Gerry find you?” Getting comfortable again, I let the steady beat of his heart calm me. “Because if she knew you were in Boston all this time, she and I are going to have words.”
“Don’t be mad at her. She hired an old cop friend to track me down. I don’t think she had any idea.” He skims his hand up and down my arm, just like he used to. “I swear to God, Joey, if I’d known…I’d have been at your door every damn day until you told me to go to hell or let me in.”
“I wish I could say I would have let you in. I just…don’t know. I’m not…someone you should want to be with.” He starts to ask me why, and I stop him with my finger to his lips. “I haven’t had sex since it happened.”
Ford collapses back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. “So the last person you were with was—”
“You.” After a shuddering breath, I sit up so I can face him. “What happened to me…wasn’t sex. It took me a long time to realize that. He and his men…they hurt us in so many ways. But what they did to us wasn’t sex. It was violence and pain and humiliation.” I pause and wait for him to look at me. “You’re the only person I’ve ever made love to.”
Ford pulls me against him, and his arms tighten around my waist. “Is this okay?”
“It’s perfect.” Nestling my head in the crook of his neck, I breathe him in. Even here, in a foreign country, on the run, his natural scent, the one I think he was practically born with, carries through. A hint of pine, cedar, and a light spice. And everything I want. But even though he’s been amazing today, I’m still terrified for my next words. “I don’t know if I can have sex ever again. I dated a few times over the years. But whenever we got to the physical part of the relationship, I’d bail. Find some excuse to give up on things and run. Eventually, I stopped even trying.”
“That’s why we’re going to talk about what you want and don’t want, buttercup. All of it. I need to know what makes you nervous. What scares you. Anything you’re not 100% positive about. I want to know…” he cups my cheek and brushes his thumb over my lips, “all of it.”
“Ford—”
“I won’t push you, Joey. If you need a week, a month, a year…before you can talk to me about what happened, I’ll wait. As long as you’re with me—as long as you trust me with what you’re feeling now—I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
Ford
She’s so beautiful. So strong and brave. But when I came up behind her, the look in her eyes—pure terror. Now, trepidation laces her tone, but it feels so damn good to have her legs tangled with mine, her hand on my chest, her hair tickling my neck.
“I want it all, Ford. I want to be normal again. To feel like…like I used to.” Wriggling up slightly, she leans in. The kiss starts out gentle, almost chaste, and then her tongue darts out and traces the seam of my lips. I yield, and pure, raw need for her shoots down to my dick. With one of her legs thrown over mine, she quickly notices my arousal, and against my chest, her heartbeat quickens.
“Slow down, buttercup,” I whisper as I break off the kiss and run my hands up and down her back, trying to avoid her bruises. “We have all the time in the world. Tell me what you like.”
“I…I don’t know.” Her hooded eyes hold fear, but also desire. “Touch me.”
“One word, and I stop. Okay?” I lay her down, brushing her hair away from her face. “If you feel anything but pleasure, you have to tell me, Joey.”
“I will.”
I’m not sure I believe her. She wants this so badly, I’m afraid she’ll push herself too far without even realizing it. Dipping my
head, I start to kiss along her jaw. “You used to like this,” I say against the delicate skin behind her ear.
“Oh…yes,” she says, her voice breathy as goosebumps prickle all along her arms.
“And this?” Continuing my exploration down the curve of her neck, I scrape my teeth over the sensitive tendon there, biting down gently until a little gasp escapes her lips. A burst of her scent—of her arousal—washes over me, and then she draws in a sharp breath and her entire body goes still.
“Joey? What’s wrong?” Concerned I pushed her too far, I sit up and rest my hands on her shoulders. “Talk to me, buttercup.”
A slow smile spreads across her lips. “I wasn’t sure…I didn’t think I’d ever be able to again…”
“I don’t understand.”
Urging me to lie back down, Joey gazes up at me, love darkening the blue of her eyes. “You will. Keep going.”
I’ll give her anything she wants. She’s my entire world. Running my finger under the strap of her tank, I arch a brow. “May I?”
She bites her lip, but nods, and when I strip off the dark material, leaving her in just her bra, she frowns.
“What is it?”
“The bra too.” The boldness in her words shocks me, but I do as she asks, reaching behind her to unsnap the hooks. Her breasts spill out of the black cotton, her nipples already hardened into tight nubs.
My dick aches, and damn. If she even touches me, I’m afraid I’ll explode. I never told her—she’s not the only one who hasn’t had sex in fucking forever. I’ve fooled around, sure. Had a few girlfriends I went down on. And hand jobs in the shower? I’m a damn expert. But actual sex? I could never bring myself to that point. It felt like a betrayal.
“Ford?” The whispered word brings me back from my own momentary reverie, and I meet her gaze. “Touch me.”
Cupping her breast, I take one taut nub between my lips, and she arches her back, moaning softly. “Oh God. I’d forgotten…”
“What?” I say after laving my tongue over the peak again and again, delighting in her quick pants, the way her hands fist in the sheets, and the blush breaking out over her dewy skin.
“How to feel…”
I pinch the other nipple, and Joey shudders, clamping her hand over her mouth to contain the constant little whimpers and gasps she makes as I kiss, suck, and nip my way lower. She smells like the sea after a storm, her arousal wrapping around me like a cloak, and when my lips brush the waistband of her panties, I stop, gazing up at her from between her legs.
“We can stop, baby. Nothing else has to happen.” My hands are clamped around her hips, my cock threatening to break free from my briefs. I want her so badly. Want to bury myself deep inside her and feel her clench around me.
Our last night together before the end plays over and over in my mind.
“I like you balls-deep in me.”
God. She was so…direct. Still is, when she’s not scared of saying the wrong thing or doing something that will trigger bad memories. She’s still my warrior. It’s still inside her. Buried under all that pain.
Joey takes one of my hands and threads her fingers with mine. Slowly, she guides me under the hem of her panties and over her mound.
“Fuck, baby. You’re so wet,” I whisper, and then look up to see her eyes shining and her lower lip caught between her teeth. Fear snakes its cold tendrils around my heart, and I freeze until she releases her lip and smiles.
“I didn’t think I would ever want this again,” she says, her voice halting and rough. “Or be able to do this. I’ve kissed other guys. I tried vibrators. Even watched porn. Nothing. I felt…nothing. I thought…I thought that part of me died twenty years ago. But…it hasn’t. It was just…waiting for you.”
Pride puffs out my chest—both for being the one to reintroduce her to herself, and for being with someone who’s so brave, who can fight her way back from so much pain to let me touch her. To even let me hold her.
I watch her face carefully as I slide the panties down her hips, and fuck, the scent of her, the way her dark blond curls glisten, the shift of her hips as I position myself between her thighs…I’ll be lucky if I don’t lose control the second I taste her.
“We can stop—”
“Shhh. Trust me, Ford. And…make me come. Please.” A tear slips down her cheek, and I reach up and flick it away.
“As you wish.”
Joey
I never imagined it would be this easy. Every time I tried to fool around with a guy, it always ended in panic, tears, and shame. But with Ford…there’s none of that. Only tenderness and love and a need so great, I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin.
He nuzzles my curls, inhaling deeply, his chest rumbling with an almost feral growl. And then his tongue touches my lower lips, and my world explodes into light and color. My core tightens, pleasure shooting all the way down to my toes.
“Fuck, Joey. You taste like heaven,” he says against my clit, and the combination of his words and the breath whispering over my sensitive nub almost make me come right then. But he pulls back slightly so we can lock eyes. Every move, every time he ups the intensity, he checks with me, like I’m his entire world and the sex is all about me.
I want to give him every bit as much as he’s given me. But I don’t know how. When he finds reassurance in my gaze, he smiles, and his tongue goes back to work. All thoughts of pleasing him flee as he licks and kisses, sucks and even bites gently.
Lust, need, desire, and a desperate ache consume me. My hips grind against his mouth, my toes curl. “More,” I gasp, the only word I can force past my lips, and he slips a finger inside me.
A split second of panic shoots through my body, but it’s immediately replaced with a pleasure so intense, so overwhelming, I let go.
“Ford!” I choke out. “Yes! Oh God. Yes!”
My world dissolves into flashes of light, and the only sound is the dull roar of my heartbeat in my ears. Ford’s everywhere. His kisses. His hands. His love.
And I’m flying. Floating away so high, I might never come back down.
16
Ford
This is the best dream. Joey’s hair tickles my nose, her sweet scent surrounding me. Skin to skin, we’re tangled together under the blankets, her arm around my waist. What’s even better? She’s naked. Her fingers curl against my side, and my eyes fly open. She’s not the only one who can’t believe we’re here, apparently,
“‘Morning,” she whispers with a little smile.
Twisting a lock of her hair around my fingers, I press a gentle kiss to her lips. “Did you sleep?”
“All night. I haven’t slept all night…” she buries her face in my neck for a moment, “since I left you twenty years ago.”
The admission rips through my heart, tearing and twisting my guilt until I pull away, throw my legs over the side of the bed, and rest my elbows on my knees, head in my hands. “I should have been there. Every day. Every night.”
“We can’t keep having this conversation.” Skimming her palm over my back, she scoots closer. “We both made mistakes. We’re here now. We can move on. You said you wanted to start over. Starting over implies…letting go of the past. Or at least…not letting it consume us.”
Peering up at her, I see the hope in her eyes. The blankets pulled up under her arms, hiding her body. And the tinge of embarrassment on her cheeks. “Please. Lie here with me a little longer. We have…a little longer, don’t we?”
With a quick check of my watch, I nod. “We should let Trev get some sleep before noon, but it’s only 6:00 a.m. He won’t expect us to relieve him until eight.” Taking her wrist, I gently move her arm way from where she clutches the blanket. “You don’t ever need to hide from me, buttercup.”
“Habit,” she says as her cheeks darken in the dim light from the bedside lamp. “I don’t do this.” Gesturing to the bed, then to her body, still mostly hidden, she slides back under the blankets. “Not when I’m alone…definitely not with a
nyone else around.”
“Joey, there’s something I didn’t tell you last night.” I join her, and she tangles her legs with mine. The contact only makes my dick harder, and I groan as I try to shift her slightly.
I’m still wearing my briefs. After Joey’s release, she couldn’t string two words together, exhaustion and pleasure conspiring to drag her to sleep. So when she reached for me with a slurred “your turn,” I pulled her against me and stroked her back until she passed out.
“What is it?” Undeterred, she skims her hand down my abs, tracing each muscle until she finds my cock. “Because I seem to remember you promising me we’d finish what we started.”
For all her nervousness the previous night, now, she’s almost brazen. Except, fear lingers in the depths of her gaze. She wants this, but she’s still terrified. “We will. If you want to.” Linking our fingers, I bring our hands to rest over my heart. “But only if you’re ready. Can you tell me, without a doubt, you’re ready?”
Joey bites her lower lip, and her fingers flex in mine. For a brief moment, it’s like a dark cloud settles over her, but then it’s gone. “Yes. I’m tired of being scared, Ford. Tired of the nightmares. Of never feeling comfortable in my own skin.”
Flopping back against the pillows, she stares up at the ceiling. “Nothing you or I do will take back those twenty years. The five days I spent trapped in that railcar being…raped. The ten days Faruk had me. I’ll never be…whole again. For the rest of my life, I’ll be…damaged. But I don’t have to be so damaged I can’t function.
“Every one of my therapists have told me I can be broken and still be…worthy of love. Until yesterday, I didn’t believe them. But now…maybe I understand. Just a little.”
“Baby,” I prop myself up on an elbow so she can see my face. “You are not broken. You’re perfect.”
The look she gives me is one part “you don’t understand” and one part “you’re an idiot.”
By Lethal Force Page 14
