The only strength I have at this moment is to understand my own aching self and let the world be ignorant about it. And now what else can I wish for you? You already have ample love in your life. And that too from your ‘friend’. I did hope once that you would be the only person who would come forward and hold my hand. However, as they say, one must not lose hope. Maybe I will someday find someone who will love me for who I am, beyond friendship.
Best,
Sameer
Shagun kept the diary down on the table in front of her and looked up. The light of the day had slowly faded. In the afterglow of a heavy day she couldn’t keep track of the wheel of time. Several hours had passed and it would soon be night. Sameer must have landed by now, she thought. He could call anytime. Thinking of him, she was filled with compassion. She thought it to be the wrong sort of feeling. For you feel compassionate for someone whose pain you think is of unbearable endurance. She was expected to long for him, not feel pity for him. But she couldn’t feel that for the moment. She thought if she could have Sameer in front of her, she would cradle him like a child in her arms, kiss his forehead, and let him have what he had been seeking for so long—unconditional love. She needed to love him. She wanted to feel it desperately now. But for that she needed to finish reading the diary.
III
9
I WAS FEELING THE LOAD of years passing on my shoulders. Many of my friends already had full lives with wives and children. I had nothing of the sort to look forward to. People had drifted apart and were busy in their lives. Their time was for their family and not wasted, brooding, lonely, and desperate, like mine. I had no idea how they were and whether they were really happy to have a ‘complete’ life in the most conventional sense of the word. But their Facebook photographs did exemplify moments of euphoric happiness that is fabled to be found only with the existence of one’s family. One of those days, Gaurav called up to ask me if I was well and how long I planned to brood.
‘What do you need? You have the best life possible. Why do you have to make love, of all things, your ultimate obsession?’ he snapped.
‘Gaurav, you know it doesn’t leave me, man,’ I said, nodding like a school kid listening to his furious teacher. ‘It slowly eats me up from inside and I have a feeling that this phase will never end, however successful I may become.’
‘Precisely,’ he interrupted me. ‘Years have passed. You have managed to get through the best college and best job possible and people look up to you, you know, and you still haven’t matured, Sameer. Do you think you are still a teenager or a college-going lover? Don’t you think it’s disappointing for me to know that you never believed in my predictions?’
‘Gaurav,’ I said, ‘your predictions are the single silver lining in my dark sky.’
‘Ah, come on,’ he interrupted me again. ‘Don’t give me this melodramatic crap. Listen, I told you that the moment six bloody years of loneliness would get over you’ll have your soulmate. That’s the problem with you guys, you see: when I told you about cracking the best college and becoming successful, you did not consider that. Now, when you have the best job in hand, you don’t appreciate my words of truth. Hmph!’
‘Gaurav, that’s not the case, you know,’ I defended myself. ‘Even after all these years, when I have lost contact with many of my friends due to their becoming settled with their wives and children, it’s only you with whom I have maintained my friendship and I know you have always helped me to climb out of the rut of life.’
‘Then you must also believe,’ he said, his voice calmer, ‘in the story I had told you once of Rama and Shiva. You are already with your soulmate. You just need her to find you and make you fall in love with her.’
And he hung up. His abrupt phone calls always lightened my burden. Though I couldn’t really understand how the universe worked according to him, there was something about him that I couldn’t help but believe in, each time that he said something and claimed it would turn true. Things would happen when they were meant to happen, as he had said. My convocation was coming up and I needed to prepare myself. I waited for the week to end.
Mom and Dad came for my convocation. That morning, I got up and took out my suit from the wardrobe. I did feel a bit vain but all my hard work was for Mom and Dad. The dean called me up on stage to deliver a speech on how I had managed to prepare nine papers and get them published in a span of two years, and I felt a surge of pride. The whole world shrank to the faces of my mother and father. I could see Mom’s face brimming with joy as I was being praised in a crowd of over five hundred people. She didn’t understand what I was being praised for, but she had the clear idea that her son had done something commendable and the laurels that followed made her feel that she herself had done something great. For me, it was certainly a cold war I had fought for years and not just to achieve what I did, but to slay the demons that had slept inside me. For the first time I felt I had won the world.
That evening Mom sat beside me and stroked my head which was on her lap. I pleaded with Dad to let her stay. After much insistence, he agreed. I was alone here and would feel better if she would stay with me for a while. Days passed and work became more and more hectic. I had been assigned with another responsibility at office. I was happy with this new responsibility because it was the best way for me to pass the time, without returning to my recent past that always led me into deep contemplation which got me to dig out things that disturbed me, and then resulted in sleepless nights. Mom was aware of these things, and that was the reason why she occasionally invaded my room at midnight, to check if I was asleep or not. Most times, she found me either sitting idly on the balcony, or working on the laptop. She would gently chide me, ‘Beta, go to bed. It’s already midnight. What are you doing so late in front of the laptop? I never understand.’ And I would reply, ‘Some office work, Mom.’ She understood everything but never advised me. Because I never wanted to listen to anything. She knew it and did not want to stretch the matter lest it became ugly once again. Though sometimes she urged me to open up. I felt relieved that I had my mother to talk to, though I couldn’t disclose everything about my heart’s volatile condition to her. Dad spent his time between his office in Bihar and Delhi. He would come and stay with us most weekends.
One such evening, when I got home, I saw many plates on the table and leftover namkeen, sweets, biscuits, and half-finished cups of tea. It must be a group of ladies, I thought. Mom had made good friends in the colony and there were aunty-jis moving in and out of our house since she came. It felt good. At least the house wasn’t empty like before.
I sat on the sofa and picked up a sweet from a plate. I never understood how people could leave something like sweets untouched. I would never do that. First I would finish the entire plate and only then would I continue talking. Regardless of who was addressing me.
I loosened my tie and shouted, ‘Mom! Where are you? I am back.’
She was in the kitchen and hurriedly came to the room. Her face was beaming. I wondered if Dad had gifted her a necklace or some new sarees. But I asked her directly, ‘You’re looking very happy. What’s up? By the way, so many plates …’ Before I could finish, she interrupted me as if she just been waiting for an opening, ‘Seema Aunty had come.’
I raised my eyebrows and said, ‘Who is this Seema Aunty?’
‘What? Don’t you remember her? You met her at Aanchal Aunty’s anniversary party? Last to last week.’
‘Mom, how could I remember anyone? In the last two weeks, we have been to at least five parties. And I never understand why you insist on taking me along to such parties,’ I said jocularly.
‘Yes beta, I understand. But you remember one aunty who remarked after meeting you that you looked very handsome in your blue sherwani,’ she tried hard to remind me.
‘Yes, yes. I think now I’m able to recollect faintly. It didn’t appear that it was her fortieth anniversary. I must say, she has maintained herself quite well.’
I waited f
or Mom to say something but she remained silent. When I looked at her, she protested, ‘Why? Does your mom look like an old hag? So many ladies in the party mentioned, that too several times, that it doesn’t at all appear that I am the mother of three and that I’m over fifty-five. Huh.’
‘Mom, Mom!’ I cajoled her. ‘You are the most beautiful lady on earth. Happy now?’ I said, with a big smile on my face.
‘Yes. That’s better. So at that time, Seema Aunty was also there, she had asked you about your job and all.’
‘If you say so. Even if I beat my head against the wall I’m not going to remember anything, Mom. And who cares about aunties in parties!’ I chuckled. ‘I attend parties only to eat. If you ask me, I can easily remember the names of the various delicacies we had that evening.’ I laughed.
She laughed too. I felt good to see her laughing.
‘So what about Seema Aunty?’
‘Yes. She was saying that Rekha, your son has grown up. He’s a naujawan now! Aren’t you thinking of his shaadi?’
‘So …’ I didn’t like where the conversation seemed to be going.
‘So, she was saying that she has a girl in mind. Very beautiful …’ I stopped her.
‘Mom, why are these aunties always so worried about my marriage, tell me?’
‘Oh. Listen to me na, beta. Kabhi toh sun!’ she snapped. ‘I too want you to get married. You will be thirty-one soon. And I also want a bahu who will take care of me.’
‘Then it’s fine. I will arrange a nurse for you who will take care of you all the time. Moreover, you both won’t even fight. In fact, you can make her do whatever you want without her uttering a single word. Wouldn’t that be nice?’
‘No, I want a bahu. And that’s my final decision.’
‘Okay, okay. But you always go on about a beautiful girl. The last dozen girls were also beautiful. And you know what happened with them. So, sorry. I am not going to meet this new girl.’
‘First listen to me. At least get to know her. See her photo. Read her biodata. And then decide.’
‘No, Mom!’
‘Listen. Either you bring home a girl of your own choice or let me decide on a suitable lass for you. Here, Seema Aunty has given me a picture of her. First you see her, and then decide. I won’t say anything.’ And she went into the other room.
When lines like ‘I won’t say anything’ come up, there is seriously no option but to listen to Mom. She’s a typical Bollywood mom, I swear.
She came back with an envelope in her hand. Looking at her beaming face, I was sure that she was hell bent on settling this girl and me together. She put the envelope into my hands and said, ‘Open it up and see.’
‘Don’t I have any option other than opening it?’ I sighed, making a face.
‘Don’t say anything and open it,’ she ordered.
I took out the picture and looked at it. I looked at the picture then at Mom. I thought Seema Aunty had perhaps given her the wrong picture. And then I looked at Mom again.
She asked, ‘What happened?’
‘Are you sure this is the picture of the girl?’ I asked, bewildered.
‘Yes. That’s what she has given me. Why?’
‘Because there are so many girls dancing. How on earth could it be the picture of a girl sent to a prospective groom to look at?’ I mocked. ‘Where is that picture of the girl by the flowerpot wearing a constipated smile?’ I laughed loudly.
‘Actually, Seema Aunty has only this picture of her. She asked me to keep it for now. By tomorrow she will ask Kajal’s parents personally. She is going to their place.’
‘Oh! Kajal is her name, whoever she is in the picture,’ I said and then protested, ‘Wait, what do you mean that she will go and meet her parents? Don’t tell me that she is distributing pictures of a girl without her parents’ knowledge. Isn’t that absurd?’
‘You are another one. Why do you have to analyse everything? This is women’s stuff. You just tell me whether you liked the girl or not. Rest we will see. Isn’t she beautiful?’ she beamed.
‘Beautiful? First tell me, where is she in this picture?’
‘Oh. That’s her in the left corner. She was clicked while dancing.’ She looked at my frowning face. ‘And yes, that answers your question—she is a dancer.’
‘Don’t worry. Bring in a dancer bahu and she will make you dance all day,’ I quipped.
‘Be serious sometimes. You always have to make fun of things.’
‘Okay, okay. I am serious. Let me check out this girl.’
I tried hard to find the girl. But there were four girls dancing in the corner.
‘Mom, sorry, but I don’t know who is your bahu Kajal. Here four girls are dancing in the left corner.’
‘Okay.’ And she pointed straight without taking a second. I looked at the picture closely. She was in a typical red suit, the kind of red people wear only for their wedding. I have a great aversion for these red-suit kinds. In fact, all the other girls were wearing the same flashy red. I could not see the girl properly. She had her head hung forward and her hair was loose around her face. It appeared for a moment that she was doing the salsa.
‘Is she doing the salsa?’ I asked Mom, trying hard to see what exactly this girl was doing.
‘What … sa …? She is doing bhagnra.’
‘Never mind.’
‘Okay. How is she?’
‘Mom, did she drink bhang and dance the bhangra?’ I asked.
‘Why are you saying so?’
‘Because I am not even able to see her face. Look at the picture. All her hair is on her face. It seems like she is doing an ad shoot for some hair product.’
‘Oh. Don’t worry about that. Seema Aunty will bring another picture of hers. Tomorrow. But I feel you should meet her.’
‘I have said it earlier as well. I don’t want to meet anyone.’
‘Only once. You didn’t meet anyone,’ Mom pleaded.
‘Yes, because I don’t want to meet any such bimbos. All stupid girls.’
‘How can you say that without even meeting the girl? Meet her. Talk to her. Try to get to know her. I am not forcing you at all.’
‘Okay, okay. I will see. By the way, what does the girl do except dance?’
‘She cooks very well. Any kind of dish.’
‘No, I am not asking this. Is she educated?’ I corrected Mom.
‘Yes.’ Mom said as though she was the CEO of some company.
‘She is some soft … umm … engineer. See, she is an engineer.’
‘Okay. Software engineer. Where?’
‘Yes. The same. Seema Aunty was saying that she works at some company named Info-fy-fush.’ Mom tried to recall the name but found it hard to pronounce and so let it go.
‘Okay. I got it. It’s Infosys.’
‘See? You also like her education background.’ She beamed again.
‘What? When did I say that?’ I said, nonplussed at her interpretation.
‘Okay. Done. I will fix a meeting with Seema Aunty.’
‘Do whatever you like. I am very hungry. Call me whenever the dinner is ready. By the way, what is Dad up to?’
‘He must be loitering around the sector, looking for some paan. After coming back home, nowadays he has developed a very bad habit of eating paan along with his new-found friends in the colony.’
‘Nice. Don’t bother him. He has worked hard throughout his life and has toiled enough.’ As soon as I saw Mom making a face, I continued, ‘You have also worked very hard. Everything will be fine. I am going to change things for us. Acha, now call me when dinner is ready.’
I went into the room and closed the door. After freshening up, I changed into casual clothes and came out on the balcony.
It wasn’t completely dark. The sun was slipping out of the sky and birds flew in a line, splitting the patch of sky overhead. I could see red fading to black. The breeze felt welcoming and soft. I decided to spend some time on the balcony till Mom called me.
I pu
lled out a chair and sat, resting my legs on the parapet, and was soon lost in a whirlpool of thoughts that led me to the past. It had been almost a year since the Tanvi fiasco. I still couldn’t understand how things had turned out this way. I felt unwanted. Whatever reason I tried to give myself resulted in the thought that it shouldn’t have happened this way. It was heartbreaking. Everything was set. I had even informed my parents but nothing favoured me. A few weeks back, I came to know that she had got married to the same guy, her classmate. I knew she must be happy with the love of her life but a question that always haunted me was when I would meet my love of my life. Or, rather, if I would ever meet the love of my life. Was there really someone who thought like me and believed in love the way I did? I knew it was difficult. My previous experiences made me doubtful but I had no choice but to wait. It was not a thing I could try and make happen. Love isn’t an ambition that a man can pursue and achieve. While I was still pondering over these questions, Mom tapped me on my shoulder.
‘I was looking for you in the room. In fact, Dad also called you but you didn’t hear. So, I came to call you’
‘It’s okay, Mom! Why do you have to be so apologetic?’ I said to her, looking at her sullen face.
Just the Way You Are Page 10
