I want to love him one last time before I take him home with me. My heart beats for his, still in his chest that lived before, but after my hands siphoned it, he is mine and no one else’s. I will treat him better than any others have treated him before, I am sure of it.
“Oh, you can be mine until the end of time,” I murmur against his lips. The chapped feeling against mine makes me anxious and needy for more.
“You won’t leave me now, will you?” I whisper again, pushing his hair to the side as the matted, blood-stained strands stick to my fingers.
“I know, sweet one. I know. Mine,” I murmur.
The screech of tires plagues this moment, sending the inevitable love to hell. I stand, looking down to the end of the alleyway and spot two police cruisers blocking the way. The cab is at the other end. Four officers flood the end of the alley, pulling out their guns as I come to the realization that this is my last fight.
I bend down, picking up my lover to cradle him in my arms. It’s funny how light they feel after life leaves them. I kiss his mouth one last time as I walk towards my final farewell.
“Detener!” they shout, over and over again. But I will not cease. I cannot go on without one of my lovers at my side. My madness has consumed me, sucking away more of myself that I can handle.
I stop as I hear the clicks of their guns, looking up at the sunlight shining between the two brick buildings. I close my eyes and remember the only happy place I was given. I knew that she would be the death of me, but I couldn’t resist her. She was life, the only one that I cared to taste. Memories flood me as I drop my lover, expending my arms to both sides and allowing a scream to escape my lungs. I know what I have to do to meet my end.
“I will kill you all!” I laugh, shouting as my feet begin running to the police. Pops of bullets fire, finding my chest as my legs give out and I fall gracefully to the ground. I am at peace as pain is absent. This is right where I was meant to be. I find comfort in this moment, understanding that the only kind of heaven I would see was that from her. My Lettie Doll. The hell I faced was that in my mind, and I am doomed to leave it now. The taste of blood fills my throat and mouth as my eyes grow too tired. My body shivers and unease leaves me fully. I hear a whisper in my ear as my mind betrays me one last time. That of a goodbye from the only man that mattered to me, Caesar.
Goodbye, Mateo.
Svetlana
Putting the broken pieces back together again.
My eyes open to a familiar smug look, his shadow towering over me as I lay in caked on food. My face feels wet, and all parts of me, yet again, feel completely and utterly vulnerable. The thick smell of Spanish sauce wafts through the air, making my nose play tricks on my belly like I am four years old again. The smell tickles through the air and settles on my tender skin that is still recovering from cruelty and shame.
“Get up, Svetlana. There are many secrets that need to be shared, and you are at the center of them all. It’s time you know what they all mean.” Hugo’s voice echoes through me, shocking my core with unease.
He leans his large frame further forward, resting his elbows on the dark-wooden dining table as his eyes remain on me. For a moment, I wonder if I will be punished for my actions as my eyes study the once comfortable and inviting space. Now, it is littered with bits of food, turned over pans with lukewarm liquid pouring out onto the ceramic tiles like cooling lava. I am ashamed of my actions, lurching myself forward to grasp a hold of food that exposed my unhinged psyche.
I am unreasonable. I used to be the quiet girl who listened and took what she thought she deserved, but as the pieces of time come back together like a painful puzzle, I am shriveling down to nothing but splinters of love and psychosis. I am totally unhinged, yet through this cacophony of chaos, I am strangely finding myself.
I hang my head further until my chin tucks itself to my chest. I am overcome with defeat as my heart is jailed in solitude. There is only one that holds the key, but I am too much for the silence that he needs. My fingers come around, sensing the cool ground underneath me that clasps me onto a reality that I hate to accept, because I am feeling more alone than the day I was gang raped by Russians as I was kept company by dozens of cockroaches. I suppose it is all relative.
My eyes move slightly as I stare at the splattered on red matter, some age old family recipe I’m sure and memories betray me yet again as I recall what it felt like to be the epicenter of unwanted attention. My head aches as the inevitable remembrances fade to the surface, stifling my reasonableness. Hugo must sense my urge to slip back to the place where my memories hug me, taking me away from the now as he stands quickly from his perched stance to stoop by my side.
“Svetlana. Caesar needs you. You need him. There is much to tell you. Please, stay with me.”
Those words are enough to make my heart beat faster as my head jerks up to look Hugo in his eyes. He seems like home, but I wouldn’t know what home feels like. Well, except Caesar. The small amount of time we shared, it was the only normal I have had.
“Shower that shit off first.”
His words are short and to the point. With that, I go to wash myself free from the mess I created so I can hear what Hugo has to say…
I tuck my wet curl behind my ear as the uncomfortable thick sweater hugs my body. When you aren’t used to wearing clothes, it’s hard to get used to anything but being completely naked. I still feel the goose-bumps tickle the scratchy material from the sweater and my fingers toy with the stray strands hanging from the edge. My eyes trace the cracked grout that connects the otherwise perfect tiles, the color matching a distant sunset I always craved to see. I gulp hard, my throat absently dry, and I wonder how long life will fuck with me this time. Being alive before was never so complicated. I always knew what kind of cards I held. There was never any sort of chance when it came to love or caring people. Now, it’s like hanging a bloodied piece of meat before a hungry, reckless lion who is famished beyond belief. I crave it. I want to reveal the wounds that have been scabbed over with time, but my damaged and fucked up heart cannot stand the hurt much longer. Getting set on fire almost hurt less than this.
“I’m not who you think I am,” Hugo says, his voice tough and authoritative.
Worry sets down in my belly, and I wonder if he truly has my best intentions at heart.
I swallow as my eyes meet his, dark, brooding, and contemplative in every way. I want to muster something, anything, but the courage that I seek is hanging by a thread. I need to let that part of me go, but I know that she will always have the upper hand. Right now, in this moment, she is hidden beneath the lies and deceit as truth threatens to wipe away the betrayal.
I fill my lungs with air and close my eyes briefly, picturing my happy place. Caesar. His rough hands so soothing to my broken body and soul. His misunderstood eyes and damaged mind splintered apart by the judgments of society, the judgements of himself. For a second, I swear I can feel his warmth, his strength, and his inviting pull as he gives me courage to speak my mind. I open my eyes to stare at Hugo, his brown eyes are darker than Caesar’s and his bald head is so smooth it catches the light and shines.
“No one is who they say they are, Hugo.” I am surprised at my brazen nature. My voice is even, not cracking under the constant pressure that I am accustomed to.
He cocks his head to the side as if he, too, is surprised by my return.
“Caesar is my brother, paquita. I have watched over him for years, and now I will watch over you because he cares for you. I may not understand why, or even what it means, but he is my brother and I will help him… even if that means something fucked. He is my brother, paquita. My brother. My blood…”
I try to comprehend what he is telling me, connecting the dots to the puzzle that is full of death and lies, but something tells me that asking questions will do nothing but cause hurt and harm. His dark eyes reek hurt and havoc, sadness and shame.
“I don’t understand.” The words slip from my mouth like ice,
cutting through the uncertainty as his eyes meet mine. I have never been able to come to terms with speaking what I think, but as time passes and more lies are unveiled, I find myself healing in ways that I am not prepared for.
“Ramira…”
One word makes my body shudder underneath my once too-warm black sweater. The chill from the sputtering air-conditioner breezes across my exposed shoulder where my shirt hangs off, and I feel vulnerable all over again. I’m not sure why, but something in my gut tells me that is the root of the evil and the beginning of the where the madness started.
I gulp hard, hugging myself in my over-sized sweater as Hugo looks at me for a return that will not come. For reasons unbeknownst to me, my lips are sealed by the darkness that has him pained. I see it in his stare and how his shoulders sag in defeat. His tough demeanor and strong nature can’t fool me now. There is something more sinister that lies beneath the hurt, and Hugo is trying to make amends with his past through truths, too.
“Ramira is… was… Caesar’s mother. Her husband had many affairs, one of which was my mother. Ramira was the start of this empire.”
The thought of Caesar’s mother makes me terrified, even more so than being taken the ways that I was underneath the concrete city where people think dreams come true. I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole of insanity once more, but I stay stuck within time as the realization of my isolation haunts me.
“She is gone, paquita. She won’t hurt you. She is dead, like she always deserved. Don’t worry.” Hugo sees the unease that hugs me, but that doesn’t give me answers about this whole mess. I need to know where I stand, if anywhere. I might be kidding myself, as I think that I mean something. Pity may be the only thing they feel for me. Whatever the case, my life needs to lead me somewhere, anywhere, except the madness that threatens my existence. I never minded it before, when I wasn’t alone, but here I sit before Hugo, the brother of the man who saved me. He was his watcher, the guardian of all the fucked up and sick things that happened.
The Goodbye Man and The Watcher…
“Where is Caesar? Where is he? I can’t do this much longer, Hugo.”
I fall to my knees, the pain jolting through my legs like a welcome friend that hasn’t been present for weeks. Tears fall from my eyes while I try to grasp onto all the foolishness that has been the center of my universe my entire life. Nothing has been what it seemed to me. My mother never really loved me. The dark haired man who fled my dreams would one day save me, love me, and then leave me. I wear the bruises of my life like a painting that many pay for. It was who I was destined to be. I’d live that life again if that meant I could face the salvation that greeted me; one that melded flawlessly like it did in my dreams. The good hidden in the bad. The light in the dark. The softness beneath the rough. He was mine, but where is he now? Why can’t he be the one telling me these things?
Nothing makes sense. Who am I kidding? Nothing ever has. I hadn’t cared for it before, but that was prior to me getting a taste of love. Real fucking love. The kind people wish for; the same type stories are told about. That was the kind of love I had with Caesar. I see nothing but the gentleness that he has. His touch was made to pull others in for a goodbye, the same one that I had wished for, but goddamnit, I don’t want it anymore!
I want him!
I pound my fists on the hard floor as my tears fall down my cheeks like ashes of who I used to be.
“I want him! I want him!” I scream, losing myself further as my heart breaks for the man that made me whole.
“Svetlana!” Hugo shouts.
I sniffle, wiping my eyes as his loud voice cuts through my cord of lunacy. I gaze up at him through the veil of disheveled hair that hangs over my face. His intimidating self has returned, and part of me wants to fall down to the floor to submit to him, but I have to tell myself that is not who I am anymore.
“He will come, Svetlana. But you must not use your voice against him. He needs to heal just like you do. It will never work if you don’t. His mind is more fragile than it ever has been. Be his silent sound board.”
“When? When will he come, Hugo? I can’t take it!” my voice cracks.
He looks up, taking a step back as his arms go from being crossed to at his sides. The wind leaves my lungs and my heart beats like a butterfly who is tasting sweetness for the first time. I gently tilt my head back, closing my eyes as I bask in the idea of Caesar. The illusion of his presence takes over my body as my nose inhales slightly, appreciating the smell of soap and cigarettes that floats through the air so gracefully. My hands can almost feel him, the way his hand held mine like he was meant to protect me.
Silent tears fall from my eyes as hope wallows through every pore of my fucked up body.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
A slow smile makes its way to my face as the harmonious sound reverberates through my ears. His boots echo, making the air crack. The flowers of despair now bloom with desire as my mind plays more tricks on me. Wishing for something long enough makes a wickedly delightful mirage in one’s mind. I don’t care anymore. If the only way I can have him in this way, I will take it. Through my madness, I found love. I won’t let it go. The thought makes my tears run faster down my cheeks, which ironically, are turned up as my smile grows.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
I want to open my eyes, but the mirage in my mind will be over. The cloud that I don’t wish for will soon surround me, making me witness to a love that was lost. My heart continues to beat relentlessly as my eyes open. A thick cloud of smoke billows through the air, the stench of cigarettes assaulting my senses. I want so badly to turn around and see that it's real, but I know that my mind is gone. Obliterated. There is no way of returning to hiding like I used to.
My hands reach out in an attempt to grab a hold of the smoke that I imagine came from his mouth, his perfectly full lips that would kiss and love me like I always wanted. I sit up on my bare knees, the cotton shorts that were given to me along with the sweater two sizes too big. I stand completely, almost forgetting that Hugo is standing before me. My face hurts as I come to the conclusion that I am cursed for love. I am still grinning because the ghost from my past haunts me. I reach out, allowing the smoke that hangs in the air to tickle my palms. I stand completely, allowing my head to tilt back as my arms reach out on both sides. I am sacrificing my sanity for love, even through illusions and false dreams, I will let myself be crucified by it.
“Mi Amor…”
I lose myself, worried that I may be finding a certain kind of crazy just like Caesar and Mateo, but I have to try.
I turn around to see him. His handsome face looks at me through scars of hurt and sorrow. He brings a cigarette up to his mouth, wrapping his lips around it and taking a drag. I want to quiver and fall into his arms, but I am stuck and at his mercy. I am battling with my mind and will, unsure if this is a façade or a reality that I am sure girls like me don’t deserve.
“Mi Amor?” he asks as his brows furrow. I wonder if he is facing the same kind of troubles as I am. Wondering if this reality is one that he has hoped for, but never thought would come.
I want to scream and speak words to him. I wish to tell him how much I love him, but my voice is mute for his mind. My eyes cry silent tears as I melt to the ground, crawling over to him until my shaking body meets his leather boots. Memories of times long ago in the shower haunt me in a welcome way, and I reach out, letting my trembling hand touch his hard boot. The feel of the leather beneath my touch is real. He is real. I cry harder, ensuring that I am silent for his sanity. I press my face against his shoe, the smell of leather and wear makes me understand this dream is not a dream. He has come to save me again.
I press my lips to his boot as my hand travels to his jeans, the rough fabric sending a jolt of understanding through the palms of my needy hands. He is not just a figment of my imagination anymore. I want, no I need, to touch every part of him to make sure he is real.
His breathing is labored, the sound of the life t
hat comes from him makes me whole. I make my way to his hand, scarred and marred by the fires of a hell that is all too real for many of us. I put my hand in his as I stay shaking on my knees, placing a chaste kiss on his skin which feels perfect under my mouth. Caesar sighs loudly, the music to my ears melodious and flawless as I continue my adoration on the man that is my life. I stand, looking up to his tall frame while taking a chance to look into his eyes. He pulls me in and I allow it, getting sucked into the vortex of forbidden love. Nothing else matters except the feelings that we have. I lean forward, putting my hand over his heart for the last confirmation of his existence.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
His heart is beating just as fast as mine. My touch finds his face, still handsome through the devils of time that have marked him, and I pull him into me. This is a plea, a plea for love.
“Svetlana,” he whispers, his hot breath tickling my lips.
I look at him again and smile as tears of happiness fall from my eyes. I pull him into me, remaining silent for the monsters that will never leave his head, and push my lips onto his. He immediately opens his mouth for me, moving his tongue gently against mine as his hands entangle themselves in my hair. Time stands still as my forbidden lover comes back to save me again.
Caesar
I doubt, I doubt, my fire is out.
When there is no one to tell you something is wrong, you can finally see just how right it is. Her dark hair is clean and shining and her brown eyes brim with tears as they look into mine. There is the slightest hint of a smile on her face as she stands there, unmoving, waiting for me to go to her. My heart is thundering in my chest and I feel as if I am losing my breath. She is so strong, I have had to reconcile the things she has lived through to end up here with me. She is dressed all neatly in black, and she looks spotless for the first time. We are going to Mateo’s cremation today. I should feel sad but all I feel is relief, there is no grief in his death. His whole life I grieved for the man he was, now I feel peace that he is finally where he always belonged. Hugo stands behind her in his black suit, towering above her petite frame. He nods at me with a reassuring smile. I have lost my family, all the ones I knew, and gained a new one. A loyal brother and a child I will love with everything I have to give. He fetched Svetlana from my hotel this morning to bring her here.
The Goodbye Girl (Red Market Series Book 2) Page 20
