by Portia Moore
Not just me ruining my own life.
Chapter 25
Rain
Present day
Christmas was as blissful as I could have imagined. A few days before the holiday, I was entirely moved in—or at least my things were. None of my furniture was needed or wanted—I’d suggested bringing my old nightstand that I’d had since I was a teenager, and the words had died on my lips the moment I saw Vincent’s expression. We weren’t so much moving in together as I was coming to live at his place, and I had had more than a few moments of anxiety about it. Nothing of mine was coming over except for my personal possessions—clothes, jewelry, books, things like that. No furniture, no bedding, no art…not that I had any of it. What I did have, none of it fit Vincent’s elevated taste, and so my clothes were hung up on my side of the closet and folded into my dresser, my jewelry went into my jewelry cabinet, and my books were filtered into the bookshelves in his library. Vincent slotted me neatly into his life, but without letting any of the things that had made me uniquely myself come with me. Even the clothes that he had thought were unfashionable or unflattering were quickly thrown out in favor of expensive designer ones.
I’ve told myself that this is just the transition into adulthood, that I was becoming the adult Rain, leaving my childish things behind and growing into someone who was worthy of a boyfriend like Vincent. That everyone changes and evolves, and Vincent was just helping me to facilitate that.
For Christmas, he gifted me with more jewelry—a beautiful sapphire pendant necklace surrounded by diamonds…and plane tickets to Rome. “We’ll have a five-day vacation there,” he said, smiling down at me. “I have the most romantic hotel booked. We’ll take the jet, of course, and it’ll be your dream vacation.”
We spent New Year’s in Rome, and he had told the truth. I had never been out of the country before—and Vincent had somehow expedited a passport for me—and I was in awe the entire time. The international flight was a breeze. I spent most of the time I was awake for it sipping on champagne, wrapped up in a cashmere blanket, and watching old Italian movies with Vincent. We snuggled up next to each other, heads touching as we watched the films, and I felt that I was so full of happiness that I might explode with it.
The five days that followed were a whirlwind of sightseeing, luxurious spa treatments, mornings lounging in our bed as room service was brought to us, fine wine, and expensive dinners full of foods I’d never tried. I’ll never be able to eat at a chain Italian restaurant again, I thought as I dined on prosciutto pizza, squid fettuccine with creamy sauce, spicy spaghetti, and tender mussels.
Once we’ve made it back, I decide I’m going to bring up the idea of going out of town again to Vincent, but this time alone. Erin’s sixteenth birthday party is a few weeks away, and I want to go home for it. I’m really hoping to go down a few days early to help plan and set everything up, especially since I’ll be paying for most of it. I agreed to let my mom purchase the cake since she insisted. A few days with my family will be good for me. A little time away from the whirlwind that my life has been ever since Vincent and I met.
When I tell him, he seems like I thought he would be—reluctant about the idea. “I just don’t like having you so far away from me, Poppy,” he says, his expression plaintive and puppy-dog like. “What if something happens? And I’ll miss you.” He runs his fingers up my thigh as he speaks, his eyes glittering mischievously. “Five days is such a long time to not have you in my bed.”
“Our bed,” I remind him with a grin, pushing his hand away, but I make sure to squeeze it gently before I do. I don’t want to fight with him, but he’s not going to get his way about this if it ends with me not going. “This is my sister’s birthday, Vincent. It’s important to me.”
“Are you helping to pay for it, Poppy?” It’s a question that catches me off guard. Vincent never ever asks what it is I do with the money he pays me or the thousand dollar transfers that end up in my account he says is for play money.
“Yes,” I say hesitantly. “I told my mother I would contribute whatever she needed.”
His lips are pursed, and he looks a little annoyed, but I can’t figure out why. I have a budget for Erin’s party, and it wouldn't even equal the price of the ties Vincent wears. “I don’t like that you give them so much money, Poppy. I provide for you, and I don’t even know them.”
I feel another sting of regret having told him one night about the money I send my mother monthly, and I’ve regretted it ever since. He was upset about the whole thing, and when I tried to remind him that it was my money and my account, he arched one eyebrow in a way that reminded me clearly that I would have none of that money if it wasn’t for him. He didn’t tell me outright that I need to stop sending it, but I know he doesn’t like it. It’s become the first topic between us that we avoid talking about.
“It’s my family, Vincent,” I say firmly. “And I can’t miss my sister’s birthday. Are you really going to tell me I can’t go?”
“Of course not,” he relents. “I’m not your father, Poppy,” he says easily, but the flirtatious trailing his fingers were doing up my body have come to a complete halt, and for the first time ever, he turns his back on me and goes to sleep. Even the next day he just mutters a “have a nice trip” before he leaves for work without as much as a kiss on the cheek. He’s upset even with me. I relent and only go the day of and stay a day after.
I ignore how much of a jerk he’s been, deciding to make up with him when I get back. I refuse to let anything kill my excitement for my little sister’s party.
The party is at a retro bowling alley/arcade that looks like something straight out of the 80s, all neon and flashing lights, a roller skating rink and cabinet video games, pool tables and a dance floor. The concession stands mimic those from an old 80s mall. The employees are all dressed in high-waisted shorts and neon crop tops, scrunchies in their hair, and bright over-the-top makeup to match. I paid to rent the place out entirely for us, and when I pull up in Vincent’s Tesla, I hear my sister and her friends ooh and ahh over the car.
“Rain, you’re so fancy now,” Erin says, eyeing me up and down before pulling me into a quick hug. “Mom said you helped with the party.”
“Just a little,” I say quickly, not wanting to make my mother feel bad, who is standing just behind me. It’s bad enough that my dad hasn’t been able to come since he’s still at rehab. “I got you a present, too.”
“Ooh!” Erin squeals. Then one of her friends says something, and she turns away, lost in the group of them as they hurry into the arcade.
“Thank you for doing all of this, Rain,” my mother says softly as we walk in. “It would’ve been pizza and soda and grocery-store cake at home if not for you.”
“And I’m sure she would have appreciated it just as much,” I assure her, but I know that isn’t entirely true.
“How are things with you and Vincent?” my mom asks as we get hamburgers and onion rings from the concession stand and sit down.
“It’s been great!” I say, maybe a little too brightly. “We moved in together, actually.”
My mother’s eyes opened wide. “Moved in…so now you work with him and live with him?”
“Mom, you should be happy for me.” I hear my voice drop several notches, and a cold chill washes over me. “Do you think I would have been able to do all of this without him?”
“That’s my point,” my mother says calmly. “And if something happens, Rain…what then? I just don’t want this relationship to be devastating if it ends for you.”
I glare at her. I can hear my voice becoming more and more strident, but I don’t care. She’s only echoing the doubts I had had from time Vincent and I had gotten together, but I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to have to think about the small voice in my head that warns that not everything is perfect, as I imagine. “Vincent takes care of me, Mom. He’s the reason Dad is in rehab, that you’re not behind on the mortgage, that you have a better car, that Eri
n gets to have this crazy birthday party.”
“I just don’t want you dependent on a man, Rain. It’s a dangerous place to be.”
“If I’m dependent on him, then so are you!” I stand up, crossing my arms angrily as I glare at her. My voice goes flat, cold. “If you don’t want our help, just say so. I’ll stop the payments.”
I see tears starting to glitter in my mother’s eyes. “Rain,” she says softly. “You’re not acting like the daughter I know. I love you, and I’m just concerned about you. I don’t know Vincent, I’ve never met him, and your whole life has changed in such a short amount of time. Any mother would be concerned…”
I soften a little at that, feeling her concern thawing some of the coldness that has washed over me. “I know you’re worried, Mom. I’ll talk to Vincent. Maybe we can visit, or find some way for you to meet him. Then you’ll see he just loves me and wants to take care of me, and make me happy. I know working for him on top of dating him and living with him is a lot, but there’s nowhere else I could make this kind of money without experience or a degree. Isn’t it better than me being at that bar, getting groped and catcalled and working myself into the ground?”
“Yes, of course it is,” she concedes. “I just worry about you, Rain.”
“Next year I’ll be starting school, and that’ll be the beginning of my career. After I graduate I’ll have my own job and with a real salary. Plus, I’ll be more of an equal with Vincent. This is just him helping me until that can be a reality, that’s all.”
“And I’m so excited for you to start school. Just…please make sure you’re putting some money aside, Rain, just in case things don’t work out. If you have to send me less, so be it, but just don’t blow it all, okay?” She holds up a hand as I start to argue. “I’m not saying you’re being careless, Rain. I’m just being your mother. Make sure you have something put away for a rainy day. That’s not expecting that your relationship will fail, it’s just smart.”
“I will,” I promise her. “I have some saved already. But you don’t need to worry! Vincent and I are good. I think this is it. He’s the one.”
My mother smiles, but I can see the worry crinkling the edges of her eyes. It makes my own worries flare up again, but I push them away. There is nothing to worry about, I tell myself, over and over, until I believe it again.
When I arrive back home, Vincent texts me that he has to work late, and I’m slightly disappointed since I rushed back and he’s not even here, but I’m excited when I call Mallory and she says her and Dena are off and to stop by for a girls’ night. It’s rare that we’re all free at the same time, and I jump at the chance to unwind. Soon I’m back in our old apartment drinking flat champagne that Dena had snuck out of the bar from what was left over from a bachelorette party, eating buffalo wings and fries from our favorite takeout place, and watching old reruns of The Bachelor in the background.
“I mean, I get your mother being worried,” Mallory says. “It has moved really fast. I was worried at first, too. But Vincent has turned out to be a really good guy, after all. It seems like he cares about you. You said he’s even going to help you with school. What more can you ask for?”
“And I mean…who wouldn’t want to be on the arm of a man with so much money?” Dena shivers. “You’re so lucky. He’s such a fucking catch, and his eye is just on you. But I mean, even if he does wander…who cares? All of that money and luxury…I’d let him sling his dick around wherever he wanted.”
I blink at her in horror. My stomach is becoming as tight as the shorts I had to wear at Funbags. “Wait… Vincent isn’t sleeping around. We’re exclusive. He wouldn’t…”
“No, Rain. God, you’re so paranoid,” she says quickly. “I just meant that men like him do, sometimes, and I wouldn’t care, as long as they kept spoiling me.”
“I do care,” I insist, glaring at her. Why would she say something like that? “We’re monogamous.”
“Of course you are,” she says, her tone only mildly condescending. “I was just being hypothetical.”
“It’s good that you work for Vincent! It’s real-world experience for you after you graduate and since he’s the boss, you know you’re getting the best recommendation possible. No bad bosses or shitty work environments! I’m jealous, really,” Mallory says, doing her best to change the subject.
I decide to leave it and relax. Soon we’re talking about Mallory’s new boyfriend and him not wanting to go down on her. But as we talk, the nervous feeling creeps back in. Dena and Mallory seem to think that everything is fine with my relationship; they don’t think the imbalance of power is an issue, and that I’ve found my happily ever after. I desperately want to believe that, to crush even the slightest hint of doubt. But deep in my mind, I know that Dena and Mallory love my new life as much as I do. They get free entrance into the clubs, expensive dresses that I don’t like or wore once, castoffs of shoes that pinched my feet or that I’ve worn more than three times and Vincent insisted I couldn’t wear again. He constantly showers me with new clothes and shoes and jewels, insisting that his girlfriend has to be seen in the latest trends, that I can’t be photographed on his arm in something I might have been snapped in the week before. So when my closet started to get overfull, I donate to my best friends.
If I left Vincent…all our lives would go back to the way they had before…the three of us living together, working at the bar, hoping the landlord would take rent a few days late. These thoughts are what fill my head as I walk in, finding the apartment still empty and a text from Vincent saying he was networking. I tell myself that this is normal, he’s an extremely successful businessman who won’t be able to lie next to me every night, and as I close my eyes, I try to drown out Dena’s earlier words.
Chapter 26
Rain
Three years earlier
The night at Zach’s parents’ house changed everything.
It’s why I’m letting Marcus know that I want to be his friend, despite our earlier kiss.
“So you really like this guy?” he asks easily, not as heartbroken as my ego would have thought he’d be after I asked if we can be friends and he pulled the history of me and Zach out.
“Honestly, it sounds like a load of bullshit on his end,” Marcus says, finishing off an order of fries I couldn’t finish from our lunch.
I clench my jaw, trying not to let tears spring up in my eyes at the thought. Because I’ve thought the same thing. But I have to believe that Zach is trying his best. That he means it when he says he just wants to protect me.
Because if Zach isn’t being honest with me, who could I ever trust?
“Maybe,” I say softly. Marcus looks at me, seemingly regretting what he’s just said.
“I know.” Marcus sounds sad. “I like you, Rain, and if you want to be just friends, it’s okay with me. I’ll go on this date and make this guy jealous as fuck for you,” he says with a sincere smile and a wink. I can’t believe how lucky I am.
Our double date is at a local barbecue restaurant. I wear the frayed black miniskirt and that same teal top that I wore to the writers’ group and take the time to style my hair and try to copy the way Roni showed me how to do my makeup.
Zach and Jade have a table when we get there, and a basket of onion rings sitting between them. I see Zach’s eyes drift over me when I walk in, but Marcus’s encouraging smile and easy energy makes me feel a little better. Jade sees Zach looking, and she tugs on his elbow, saying something to him that I can’t hear, probably to distract him.
We take a seat, and when the waitress comes around, Marcus orders a soda and I order a lemonade.
“So, how long have the two of you been dating?” Jade asks, smiling sickly sweet at Marcus. Marcus and I exchange a glance.
“We’re not,” I say quickly. “We’re just friends. He’s just hanging out with me so I wouldn’t be a third wheel.”
Jade's face darkens, and I can’t help but see Zach’s face brighten, and Jade notices it too.
“So you’re not dating anyone?” she asks, her voice rising a little.
“No,” I say quietly, looking down at my menu.
“Have you ever?” I’m caught off guard by her question. It’s bold and borderline rude.
“Jade, come on,” Zach interjects.
“No, it’s okay. I haven’t, I guess I’m just waiting on the right person,” I tell her. Zach and I lock eyes.
“Wow, so you’re a virgin?” Jade snickers.
“Well, this couldn’t get any more awkward,” Marcus mutters under a laugh.
“Jade, stop it.” Zach’s voice is cold and stern, and Jade rolls her eyes.
It’s a relief for everyone when the waiter comes and takes our orders. We all get some variation of a burger. I wonder how long we’re going to be here for. How soon can I pretend like I need to get home for something important?
“What about you, Zach?” Marcus looks across the table at him. “What’re your plans?”
“Don’t have any for now. Just seeing where life takes me.”
“That’s not much of a plan, is it?”
“I’m fine with it,” Zach says tightly. “I’m too young to make big decisions. Plenty of time for that.”
The dinner drags on. Every comment from Jade is mean, meant to make me look stupid and naïve. Marcus says less and less. And Zach, despite the fact that Jade is sitting right next to him, can’t stop looking at me.
“When’s your next writing group?” he asks suddenly, halfway through his burger. I’m picking at my fries, hardly able to eat. I’m too anxious.
“Tuesday after next,” I tell him.
“Can I read what you’re writing?”
I stare at him for a split second, surprised he’d ask in front of Jade. “I mean…sure. It’s a crime story. I don’t know if you like those.”
