by Philip Roth
As for the large dark object identified as Charles Curtis Flood himself, apparently at the very last minute he too was replaced with a big black Labrador dog. This was verified when the dog was found romping in the very fields where photographs, taken the previous night, revealed the fugitive exercising by moonlight.
It is to the great credit of the commander in charge of Operation Courage—and represents the highest order of dedication and professionalism—that in order to keep faithfully to the plan, the dog was taken into custody in precisely the same amount of time as had been allotted for the capture of Flood. She was then transported in the command helicopter, bound and under heavy guard, to “Hamlet’s Castle” at Elsinore. However, once the helicopters touched safely down. I immediately gave the order from the White House that the interrogation of the dog was to be suspended, and that she was to be released from her bindings and allowed to roam on a leash in a grassy enclosure on the castle grounds.
My fellow Americans, I can assure you that the friendly treatment that dog is receiving now at the hands of American soldiers is in sharp contrast to the heartlessness and cynicism with which the fugitive himself forced this defenseless animal to serve as his “stand-in” while he took flight from justice yet again.
Now it had been my hope that I could come before you tonight to tell you that Flood was in the custody of American officials, and that it would not be necessary to take further measures against a recalcitrant and contemptuous Danish government in order to secure his release. And make no mistake about it. If we were not dealing with a man so vicious that he would rather risk the life of an innocent female dog than his own, I could have done just that.
However, even though they were unable to apprehend the fugitive at this time, I should still like to take this opportunity to pay a tribute to the skill, courage and devotion with which Joint Contingency Task Force Derring-Do carried out Operation Courage. The flawless fashion in which they executed this delicate secret mission was inspirational to all Americans. And surely it must be accounted the most successful single operation of its kind staged thus far in the Danish crisis. The embarrassment alone that we have caused Copenhagen by pointing up the holes in their radar system, will inevitably have a profound effect upon the morale of the Danish people and their armed forces.
My fellow Americans, I am going to conclude my address with the words of a very great man. They were written by the immortal bard and renowned humanitarian, William Shakespeare. Yes, they were written with a quill pen on a piece of parchment hundreds and hundreds of years ago, but probably never have they been so true as they are tonight. This is what Shakespeare said: “Something,” he said, “is rotten in the state of Denmark.” Little did the immortal bard know then, how prophetic those words would be in the centuries to come.
My fellow Americans (here Tricky rises from his chair to sit on the edge of his desk), something is rotten in Denmark—let there be no mistake about it. And if it has now fallen to American boys to step in and eradicate the rottenness that Danish boys are unable to step in and eradicate, I know they will not hesitate to do so. (Makes fist) Because we will not watch as the once-great homeland of Hamlet slips down the drain of depravity. (Looks down) Instead, with all the might that we can summon in our righteous cause, we shall (quick friendly glance at ceiling), with God’s help, purge Denmark of corruption, now and for all time. (Looks for a moment into eternity without batting eyelashes)
Thank you, and good night.
5
The Assassination
of Tricky
The President of the United States is dead. We repeat this bulletin. Trick E. Dixon is dead. That is all the information we have at this time.
The White House has refused to comment on an earlier bulletin announcing that the President of the United States is dead. The White House Bilge Secretary says, “There is no truth whatsoever to reports of the President’s death,” but adds that he will not “categorically” deny the story at this time.
Conflicting stories continue to circulate concerning the death of the President. A second White House announcement has now called attention to the President’s schedule for the day, pointing out that no mention is made there of dying. Also released was the President’s schedule for tomorrow, wherein there also appears to be no plan on the part of the President or his advisers for him to die. “I think it would be best,” said the White House Bilge Secretary, “in the light of these schedules, to wait for a statement, one way or another, from the President himself.”
Reports out of Walter Reed Army Hospital now seem to confirm the earlier bulletin that the President of the United States is dead. Though the circumstances surrounding his death remain unclear, it appears that the President was admitted to Walter Reed late yesterday for surgery. The purpose of the secret operation was to remove the sweat glands from his hip. That is all we know at this time.
The Vice President has flatly denied reports of the President’s death. Here is a portion of the Vice President’s remarks, made as he was on his way to address the National Yodeling Association:
“Now this is just the kind of reckless rot and rotten recklessness that you can expect from the vile vilifiers who are out to vilify vilely.”
“What of the reports, Mr. Vice President, that he had secretly entered Walter Reed last night to have the sweat glands removed from his hip?”
“Hogwash and hokum. And hooliganism. And heinous. I spoke to him only five minutes ago and found him fit as a fiddle. This lachrymose lie is a lamentable lollapalooza launched by the lunatic left.”
Unconfirmed reports from Walter Reed Hospital now indicate that the President was found dead at seven A.M. this morning. No word yet on the cause of death, or where he was “found.” Speculation mounts that death came following surgery for the removal of sweat glands lodged in the hip.
We take you now to Republican National Headquarters, where the chairman of the national committee is meeting with reporters:
“I cannot believe that the great majority of Americans are going to keep this great American from a second term in the White House just because he is dead, no.”
“Then you are admitting, sir, that he is dead?”
“I didn’t say that at all. I said, I just don’t think that his death, if it were to come about between now and the election, would affect his popularity with the great majority of Americans. After all, this isn’t the first time you people were ready to call him dead, and here he is, President of the United States.”
“But we meant dead politically.”
“I’m not going to get into a fancy discussion of semantics with you fellas. All I’m saying is that whether these rumors are true or false is not going to affect our campaign plans by one iota. I’d even go so far as to say that if it turns out he actually is a corpse, our margin of victory in ’72 will be greater by far than what it was in ’68.”
“How do you figure that, Mr. Chairman?”
“Well, I for one just cannot imagine the press of this country, irresponsible and vicious as it may be, going after this man dead and buried with the same kind of virulence they used to go after him alive. Furthermore, as regards the voters themselves, it would seem to me that there is a certain sympathy, a certain warmth that a dead Dixon is going to be able to arouse in the people of this country that he never really was able to summon up when he was living and breathing and so on.”
“If he is dead then, you think it would be good for his image?”
“No doubt about it. I think that in terms of exposure he may have gone about as far as he can alive. This is probably just the shot in the arm we’ve been looking for, particularly if the Democrats run Teddy Charisma.”
“Can you explain what you mean, Mr. Chairman?”
“Well, assuming for the sake of argument that Trick E. Dixon is no more, that is going to cut strongly into the source of Charisma’s appeal. It’s one thing, you see, for a candidate for the Presidency to have two brothers who are dead—it’
s something else when the incumbent himself is dead. I mean, if experience is any kind of criterion—and I think it is—I just don’t see how you can top the President now, where this whole death issue is concerned.”
“Mr. Chairman, is there any truth at all to the growing suspicion that you people are sending up a trial balloon with these rumors of the President’s death? To see just how much political mileage there is in it, if any? That is, on the one hand you yourself sound convinced that the President’s death would give a great boost to his waning popularity, while Vice President What’s-his-name asserts that the President is ‘fit as a fiddle’ and that these rumors have been propagated by ‘the lunatic left.’”
“Look, I have no intention of criticizing the alliteration of the Vice President of the United States of America. Under the Constitution he has a right to alliterate just as much as any other American citizen. I am speaking to you boys strictly as party chairman, and all I am saying, in language plain and simple, is that the President has absolutely no intention of withdrawing from the race for any reason whatsoever, including his own death. Anybody who counts him out because of something like that, just doesn’t know the kind of guy they are dealing with. This isn’t a Lyin’ B. Johnson, who tosses in the towel because the country hates his guts and doesn’t trust him as far as they can throw him. No, you’re not going to intimidate Trick E. Dixon just by hating him. Hell, he’s had that all his life; he’s used to it. And you’re not going to keep him off the ballot by killing him either. We’ve seen him rise from the ashes before, and I have every expectation that we are going to see precisely that again. If he has to address that convention from inside an urn, he’ll do it—that’s the kind of dedicated American we’re talking about.”
The White House has now issued a statement denying—I repeat, denying—that the President entered Walter Reed Hospital yesterday for the removal of the sweat glands from his hip. There continues however to be a total news blackout from that source as to whether President Dixon is dead or alive.
We take you now to the National Weightlifters Convention, where Vice President What’s-his-name is in the midst of an impromptu address on those who he claims have perpetrated upon the nation this “lachrymose lie”:
“the nitwits, the namby-pambys, the neurasthenics, the neurotics, the necrophiliacs—”
We interrupt the Vice President’s alliteration to take you to Walter Reed Hospital for a special report:
“The mood here is somber, though it remains impossible to piece the story together in its entirety. It seems now that the President did enter the hospital late yesterday for a secret operation. First reports had it that the operation was to have been on his hip, for the surgical removal of sweat glands apparently lodged in that area. However, the White House, as you know, has flatly denied that story, and only a moment ago I learned the reason why. The operation was to have been not on the Chief Executive’s hip, but on his lip, 1-i-p. The sweat glands were, from all reports, to have been removed from the lip this morning. But now, according to the latest White House communiqué, surgery has been postponed for the time being because of, and I quote, ‘an unforeseen development.’ According to highly placed sources within the hospital itself, that unforeseen development is the death of the President of the United States. Now I see that the Secretary of Defense has just emerged from the hospital and is walking this way. Secretary Lard, have you just come from the President’s side?”
“Yes.”
“You seem quite despondent, sir. Can you tell us if he is dead or alive?”
“I’m not at liberty to answer that question.”
“Unconfirmed reports from various sources say he was found dead at seven A.M. this morning.”
“No comment.”
“Can you tell us then why you were visiting him?”
“To find out his secret timetable for ending the war.”
“Is there anybody other than the President who knows the secret timetable?”
“Of course not.”
“Then if he’s dead, he’s taken the secret timetable with him to the grave?”
“No comment.”
“Secretary Lard, did the President have any other visitors aside from yourself?”
“Yes. The Joint Chiefs. And of course the Professor.”
“And they don’t know the secret timetable either?”
“I told you, nobody knows it but him. That’s what makes it secret.”
“Not even his wife?”
“Well, actually, she thought she had it, when we called her this morning. But it was just an old train schedule between Washington and New York. She found it in one of his suits.”
“There’s no other place he might have left it?”
“It doesn’t seem like it.”
“Cut open the mattresses, did you?”
“Oh, all of that. Ripped up floors. Tore out paneling. Turned the place inside out. No sign of anything resembling a secret timetable.”
“Mr. Secretary, everything you say seems to confirm the rumor that the President is dead. If that is the case, what were you and the Joint Chiefs and the Professors doing sitting around a corpse, trying to find out vital information?”
“Well, we also had a medium with us.”
“A medium?”
“Oh, don’t worry. She’s worked for us before. Highest security clearance. Top-flight Gypsy.”
“And did she get through to the President?”
“I believe I can say she did.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, she got through to a voice who kept saying he was a Quaker.”
“And what about the secret timetable?”
“He says a secret is a secret, and he owes it to the American people, who have placed their confidence in him, not to betray a sacred trust. He said they can brand and skewer him in Hell, he’s never going to tell a soul.”
“Honest almost to a fault.”
“Well, he had to be, you know, with that sweating problem. Otherwise people tended not always to believe everything he said.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, that was the Secretary of Defense, speaking directly from the lawn outside of Walter Reed Hospital. As you saw, he was distraught and very near to tears throughout the interview, thus appearing to confirm the reports of the President’s death. We return you to the Vice President, who is now addressing the National Sword Swallowers Association.”
“—the psychotics, the sob sisters, the skin merchants, the saboteurs, the self-styled Sapphos, the self-styled Swinburnes, the swine, the satyrs, the schizos, the sodomists, the sissies, the screamers, the screwy, the scum, the self-congratulatory self-congratulators, the sensationalists, the snakes in the grass, the sex fiends, the shiftless, the shines, the shaggy, the sickly, the syphilitic—”
We go now to the headquarters of the Federal Bureau of Investigation:
“Is it the same knife that the President demonstrated on television last night, Chief?”
“No doubt about it. Here are the four blades. Count ’em. One, two, three, four. Open-and-shut case.”
“But my understanding was that some eight thousand such knives—”
“We’ve sifted through the eight thousand, don’t worry about that. And this is the one. This is the murder weapon, no doubt about it.”
“Then the President has been murdered?”
“I can’t tell you that right now. But I can assure you that if there has been a murder, this is what did it.”
“And do you have the murderer in custody?”
“One thing at a time. You rush in and say you’ve got the murderer, everybody thinks you picked up the first guy you could find out on the street. Let’s at least get the announcement of a murder, before we start accusing people.”
“How about the kind of murder. Stabbed to death?”
“Well, there again it’s like, ‘Have you stopped beating your wife.’ But of course I will say this much: with a knife, you may very well find that the v
ictim has been stabbed to death, yes. Of course, there are other possibilities as well, and I can assure you we’re looking into them thoroughly.”
“For instance.”
“Well, you’ve got your bludgeoning, of course. You’ve got your various forms of torture such as the President himself outlined on TV the other night.”
“In other words, it’s possible the President’s famous eyes may have been gouged out.”
“I wouldn’t rule that out at this time, no.”
“But by whom? How? When? Where?”
“Look, as we say here at the Bureau, ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. The important thing right now is that we want to assure the American people, not only that we are actually on top of this case even before it has broken, but that we are keeping them abreast of the facts virtually before there are any. We just don’t intend to come in for the sort of criticism on this assassination of a President that we did on the last one.”
“What sort of criticism do you mean?”
“Well, last time there was just some kind of cloud over the whole thing, wasn’t there? Credibility gap and so on. People thinking they weren’t getting the straight story. Accusing us of covering up and being caught off guard and so on. Well, this time it’s going to be different, I can assure you. This time we have the weapon and a fairly good idea of who did it beforehand, and we’re really only waiting for word that it actually happened, to make an arrest. After a decent interval, of course, just so it doesn’t look as though we picked up the first poor slob we found in the gutter.”
“Is it a Boy Scout? That is, will it be a Boy Scout, if and when?”
“Well, of course I am only a law enforcement officer. I don’t decide who commits the crimes, I just catch them, after that decision has been made by the proper authorities. I will say this, however. We would not have decided on a Boy Scout knife as the murder weapon, if we didn’t think there was a good strong motive to go with it. That was one of the troubles with the last assassination: didn’t have a good strong motive to go with it. After all, we are talking about the assassination of the highest elected officer in the land. People like a good strong motive when something like that happens, and I can’t say that I blame them. That’s why this time we intend to give it to them. Otherwise, you’re just going to get your national disunity, your credibility gap, your doubt, and your cloud over the whole thing.”
