by Joan Jonker
‘I know I’m a fool for giving in to yer, Nellie, but it’s a habit I find hard to break. So I’ll go halfway with yer. If you go home to try yer dress on, I won’t see yer for half an hour, and I can have mine washed and on the line by that time. So this is my proposal, and yer can take it or leave it, it’s up to you. Instead of going home to try the dress on, yer do it in my house, and once yer’ve tried it on I can put it straight into the water with mine. So it’s up to you.’
Nellie didn’t hesitate. ‘I’ll come in yours, girl, of course I will. As long as I can get undressed without you seeing me.’ She huffed. ‘I may as well tell yer the truth instead of beating about the bush. I’ve got a pin keeping me knickers up.’
They were halfway up the street when Molly doubled up with laughter. ‘What am I going to do with yer, Nellie McDonough?’
Her confession over, Nellie was feeling free of guilt. ‘Ye’re going to wash me dress, aren’t yer? And tomorrow, if me luck’s in, yer’ll iron it for me.’
They reached Molly’s front door and she put the key in the lock. Then she turned to look down at her mate. ‘Yer’ve heard of women doing a striptease, haven’t yer, sunshine?’
Nellie did her best to contort her face into an expression of disgust. ‘Yeah, I have, girl. The dirty buggers.’
‘Well, ye’re in a race with them from the minute yer step foot in me living room. They do it slowly, to tantalize, but you’re going to do it like greased lightning, to please me. I want the two dresses in water in five minutes flat. Then yer can poppy off home and let me start on the dinner.’
Looking woebegone, Nellie said, ‘I can’t get out of me dress in five minutes, Molly Bennett, never mind out of this and into the other. It takes me ages to get me dress off.’ She put a hand on each of her breasts. ‘It’s these ruddy things. They get in the way and I can’t get me dress over them.’
Molly took pity. ‘Look, sunshine, I’ll draw the curtains in the living room, so no one will see in. You take yer time taking one dress off and putting the other on. And I’ll do the same, but in the kitchen. So yer’ll have privacy, and no one will know about the pin in yer knickers, unless you tell them. So come on, Nellie, make a start. I’ll go in the kitchen and leave yer to it.’
There was a smile on her face when she closed the kitchen door. She had more patience with Nellie than she’d had with her children when they were little. But her mate paid her back in other ways, for never a day went by without laughter. She couldn’t imagine life without her best mate.
While Molly was thinking this, she pulled her dress up over her head and draped it across the mangle. Then out of her basket she picked the dress from the market. After giving it a good shake she put it on, and was delighted when it fitted her perfectly. She liked the colour of it, too, a lovely soft green with a round white collar. There was no mirror in the kitchen to see herself in, so she’d have to wait until Nellie had sorted herself out. The small pockmarked mirror that Jack used for shaving wasn’t a ha’p’orth of good. She could only see about six inches of herself.
The minutes ticked by and there was no sound from the living room. Molly told herself to stay calm; Nellie was probably struggling. But when ten minutes passed by, and there was still no sound from her mate, Molly moved away from the sink with the intention of knocking and asking if help was needed. But as she brought her clenched fist up, she heard a loud knock on the front door. ‘Now what do I do?’ she muttered. ‘This is a fine kettle of fish.’
Molly rubbed the side of her nose, a sign she was flummoxed. Then came the sound of a muffled voice. ‘This is a fine bleeding time for someone to call, when I’m neither dressed nor undressed. I’m a right bleeding sight for sore eyes, and the queer one is preening herself in the ruddy kitchen!’
‘I am not preening meself,’ Molly said as she pushed the door open. ‘I’ve been—’ Her words trailed off as she took in the scene before her. Of Nellie’s face there was no sign, but her chubby legs were on show, and Molly didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or hug her mate to death. Nellie’s lisle stockings were rolled down to the knees and kept up with the help of elastic garters. And a couple of inches above that was an expanse of her blue fleecy knickers. ‘In the name of God, Nellie, where are yer?’
‘Where the hell d’yer think I am, yer daft nit!’ There came another ran-tan on the knocker, and Nellie, face unseen, struggled to find a way out of her predicament. ‘If you let anyone in, girl, I’ll break yer ruddy neck.’
‘Tut-tut, Nellie Mac, those are very strong words for someone in the position you’re in. But don’t worry, I’ll not let anyone in because one look at you and they’d have a heart attack.’
Molly opened the door to find her daughter looking very agitated. Immediately, Molly thought the worst. ‘What is it, sunshine? Is it the baby?’
Doreen looked puzzled. ‘Bobby is just the same, Mam. It’s not him I came about. I saw your curtains closed, which is unusual, and thought yer might be unwell?’
‘I’m fine, sunshine, but I’m sorry if yer got a fright. I drew the curtains over because me and Nellie bought a dress each, and we wanted to try them on. We didn’t want the neighbours to have a peep show. I can’t ask yer in, I’m afraid, ’cos yer Auntie Nellie is in a state of undress.’ Molly put a finger to her lips and whispered, ‘She’d kill me if she heard me, but yer should see the state she’s in. Honest, yer wouldn’t credit it. She’s stuck in a dress, and can’t get it on or off. God love her, I’d better go in and give her a hand. I’ll give yer a knock later, sunshine, just to see how Bobby is.’
Doreen turned to cross the cobbles. ‘Don’t you be giving me any more frights, that’s all. And Aunt Vicky, I had her worried, too!’
Molly waved before closing the door and going back to find Nellie still headless. ‘Haven’t yer managed it yet, sunshine? Here, let me try and help yer. No, Nellie, I can’t help yer unless yer stand still.’
The muffled voice came back. ‘I can’t breathe, girl! Get a pair of scissors and cut me out of the bleeding thing.’
‘That will be a last resort, sunshine. I’m not going to cut a good dress up unless it’s absolutely necessary. So stand still until I can figure out what’s what.’ Molly stood with her chin in her hand, ‘I can see yer’ve got one arm down, Nellie, so why can’t yer get the other down? I’m sure if yer calmed down yer’d have no trouble, for ye’re only making things worse by pushing and pulling. Just take things easy, and I’ll try and help yer get the other arm down.’
If Nellie could have seen herself, she would have been the first one to laugh. But she couldn’t see herself and was far from laughing. ‘Me arm won’t go down, soft girl! Don’t yer think I’d have tried that by now? D’yer think I enjoy being suffocated? It’s not me arm, it’s me bleeding breasts. If I could get one past me waistline, I’d be home and dry. Not happy, like, not after all this kerfuffle. But at least I’d be able to breathe proper.’
‘Would yer mind if I try and ease one of yer breasts out, Nellie? It won’t hurt, I’ll do it nice and easy. The way you’re going on, ye’re only making things worse, and I’m surprised yer haven’t ripped the ruddy seams open by now.’
‘Ooh, I wish George was here,’ Nellie said. ‘He’s used to me breasts and would know how to handle them.’
‘Well, I’m sorry, sunshine, George is not here and ye’re going to let me help yer, or yer stay like that until Jack and Ruthie come in from work.’
‘If your Jack so much as lays a finger on one of my breasts, my George will kill him.’
Without giving Nellie the opportunity to object, Molly put her hand up her clothes, squeezed it past the waistline and manoeuvred it so she could cup Nellie’s breast. ‘Now this won’t hurt, sunshine, if yer keep still.’
Five minutes later, when order was restored and Nellie able to breathe freely, Molly said, ‘Don’t ever do that again, Nellie, for God’s sake. I don’t know why yer decided to take the dress off by pulling it up from the neck. The easiest way is t
o bend over and pull the bottom of the skirt over yer head. I hope you’ve learned yer lesson and do it proper in future.’
Her humour restored, Nellie was grinning like a Cheshire cat. ‘I was in a state, girl, when you were in the kitchen waiting, and I was struggling. And of course the more I struggled, the worse it got. I won’t tell George, though, because he thinks I’m crazy as it is. Besides, if I told him you came to my aid with one of your hands, I doubt he’d see the funny side.’
‘You don’t tell any one, Nellie, or I’ll have yer guts for garters. Certainly not Jack or anyone else in the family.’ Molly tut-tutted. ‘And after all that, yer haven’t tried the new dress on! But I’ll tell yer this, Nellie, I’m going to supervise the trying on of the dress. I wouldn’t go through that palaver again for a big clock.’
‘I notice you’ve got yours on girl, and it fits yer a treat. The colour suits yer, as well. But you’re lucky ’cos you’re more the standard size.’ Nellie had a rethink, and wanted to change that statement. ‘Well, I don’t mean that ye’re more lucky than anyone else. Like me for instance. I’m one of the real lucky ones. I mean, who else do we know what has a voluptuous body like mine? Go on, clever girl, how many women do yer know who have a figure like an hourglass?’
‘Nellie, I’ve never even seen a hourglass, so how would I know if a woman had a figure like one?’
‘It’s like an egg timer, girl. You know, what posh people use what are too bleeding lazy to keep an eye on the clock.’
Molly pretended to see the light. ‘Oh, I know what yer mean now, sunshine, but I still don’t know anyone with a figure the shape of one.’
‘Yes, yer do, girl, yer know me, don’t yer? Me, Nellie, with a figure like Mae West.’
‘I’m out of me depth now, Nellie. Voluptuous body, hourglass figure and Mae West lookalike!’ Molly shook her head slowly. ‘But I’m willing to be persuaded. So why don’t you put yer new dress on, and open my eyes to all the things I’ve been missing for years. I might even owe yer an apology for being so blind to your assets, yer never know. So stand up for me, and I’ll help yer put the dress on properly. I couldn’t go through that performance again.’
When Nellie was standing in the middle of the room wearing an underskirt that had seen better days, Molly said, ‘Raise yer arms above yer head, sunshine, and I bet the dress will go on without any bother, and fit yer like a glove.’
And Molly was proved right for a while. Nellie’s arms went into the sleeves, and her head popped out of the round neck. And that is when Molly’s bet began to go wrong. For the dress stopped at Nellie’s breasts and refused to go any further. ‘See what I mean, clever clogs,’ Nellie said. ‘Ye’re no better at it than I was.’
‘At least yer can breathe, which yer couldn’t do before.’ Molly’s lips were clamped together, which was a sign she meant business. ‘I’ll get yer into this dress if I have to use a shoehorn. And once we get the hang of it, it’ll be no trouble next time. It’s only the waist that’s too tight, so if there’s a decent seam we could let it out a bit. But for now, let’s get it on yer and see if it fits everywhere else. However, as I don’t want to be manhandling those breasts of yours again, yer can do that yerself. Yer only need to get the waist over one, and yer’ll be laughing sacks, ’cos the other will be easy. So go on, sunshine, press in and down, while I pull at the waist.’
The operation was a success that brought sighs of relief from the two mates. ‘Was it worth it, girl?’ Nellie asked as she did a little twirl. ‘It feels comfortable enough, but what a performance getting it on.’
‘It was a damn sight easier than getting yer other one off! I’ve never seen anyone make such a drama out of taking a dress off. If yer’d seen yerself, yer wouldn’t have known whether to laugh or cry. The only part of you showing was yer chubby legs, stockings rolled down to yer knees and elastic garters. Oh, yer were a sight for sore eyes, sunshine, and I was wishing I had a camera. But all’s well that ends well, and if yer’ll get back into yer old dress without doing yerself a mischief, I’ll put our two new dresses in water. They’ll be on the line in half an hour, and hopefully ready for ironing in the morning. And I’ll see if there’s enough seam to let the waist out. An inch would do it, then we’d both be ready for our night out.’
‘I’m going into town tomorrow, to get the girls their birthday presents from Woolworth’s,’ Nellie said. ‘Are yer coming with me?’
‘I want to make a few calls tomorrow, sunshine. Only the usual: Doreen, Jill and me ma and da. And I was thinking of calling to see Flora. We said we’d keep in touch with her, and I’d hate her to think we don’t keep promises.’
Nellie nodded. ‘It’s me what should be keeping an eye on Flora. She’s my adopted mother and I should do the job properly. When you visit your ma, I should visit mine. So to save time tomorrow, you go one way and I’ll go the other. It’ll be quicker, girl, and then yer could come to Woolies with me. I don’t like going shopping on me own, there’s no fun in it. Besides, yer could help me choose which beads to get for the girls. You know what they’d like more than me.’ A smile spread across Nellie’s face. ‘Now I want yer to put yer hands on the table, to steady yerself for the shock I’m going to give yer. I don’t want yer dying of a heart attack on me, ’cos your Jack would be upset if he came in from work and you were lying dead on the floor, and there was no dinner ready for him.’
‘Oh, I think Jack would be more than upset, sunshine. But don’t let’s be morbid, just tell me what your earth-shattering news is, and I’ll do me level best not to have a heart attack.’
‘Okay, girl, are yer ready for it?’
‘Nellie, for goodness’ sake will yer get on with it! If I do have a heart attack, it will be caused by the suspense rather than what yer have to say.’
Looking as pleased as Punch, Nellie said, ‘Because yer’ve been so good in offering to wash me dress and what-not, I’m going to treat yer to a cup of tea in Reece’s. How about that then, girl? Aren’t yer pleased?’
‘Over the moon, sunshine, it’s very thoughtful of yer. But yer don’t have to treat me, just because I’m washing a dress. It’s not costing me anything, and I’m only too happy to help. So save yer money, Nellie, or, better still, buy a cake from Hanley’s and take it to Flora’s. That would be a nice gesture and she’d be really delighted.’
‘Ah, ay, girl, don’t be putting temptation in me way. I couldn’t go in Hanley’s for one cream slice. Yer know I haven’t got no will power.’
‘I didn’t mention a cream slice, Nellie, you’ve got a one-track mind. A doughnut or an Eccles cake, either would be welcomed by Flora. All yer’ve got to do is go in the shop and keep away from the end of the counter where the cream cakes are. If yer don’t see them, then yer mouth won’t water and yer won’t feel a craving. For heaven’s sake, sunshine, surely yer have some control over yer mind?’
‘Listen, girl, I can talk to yer now until I’m blue in the face, about how I’ll be strong and not give in to a craving. I’ll lie me head off to yer, but it won’t alter the fact that when I walk in Hanley’s shop I’ll forget all the lies and promises. Once I see that glass case full of cream cakes, I’m drawn towards it.’ Nellie was never just serious when talking on any subject, she had to be dramatic. Eyes fixed on a spot somewhere behind Molly’s head, hands always in motion. ‘I’m drawn to it, girl. I have no control over me actions. It’s as though a blast of wind has come through the shop door, and it blows me to that glass case. And the next thing I know, I’ve got a cake bag in one hand, and I’m passing money over the counter with the other.’
‘Nellie, you really did miss your vocation in life. Yer could have been up there with the best if someone had taken you in hand when yer were younger.’
Nellie would have loved to look pleased at what she thought sounded like a compliment, but curiosity got the better of her. ‘What was it yer said I missed in life, girl?’
‘I did say vocation, sunshine, but I’ll change that to chance, so
yer understand what I mean. Yer could have been an actress, a comedienne, anything yer set yer mind to.’ Molly could feel the floorboards creaking before Nellie’s laughter filled the room. ‘What have I said that is so funny, sunshine? Whatever it was, it certainly tickled yer fancy ’cos I can feel the table and floor shaking. Let me in on the joke, so I can laugh with yer.’
Nellie was doubled up. She was laughing so much she couldn’t speak, and the tears were rolling down her cheeks. The sound of her laughter was so genuine and hearty, Molly couldn’t help but add to it, even though she hadn’t a clue what she was laughing at. ‘I’m getting a stitch in me side now, Nellie, so will yer cut it out and tell me what we’re both laughing at? And if yer say ye’re not laughing at anything, so help me I’ll clock yer one.’
With her two hands flat on her tummy, Nellie gasped, ‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh bleeding dear! I haven’t laughed so much since George fell out of bed, and I fell on top of him.’
‘I know I’m a fool for asking, and will probably regret it, but how did George fall out of bed and you fell out too?’
This brought forth another burst of laughter. ‘He was trying to get away from me, girl, and I wasn’t having none of that. He started something and I wasn’t going to let him stop halfway through. It worked, too, girl, ’cos he’s never attempted to get away from me since.’
A voice in Molly’s head was telling her to give in now, for it was nearly time to put the dinner on. But curiosity got the better of her. ‘Nellie, that isn’t what started the bout of laughing, so leaving George out of it, what did yer find so funny to begin with?’
‘Well, girl, it was you telling me I could have been anything if I’d set me mind to it. I know yer weren’t being sarcastic, but it was yer timing, girl, it was all wrong. I can’t speak proper, can’t add up, and can’t even get out of a bleeding dress! Can you see Greta Garbo struggling to get out of a frock and showing everyone her blue fleecy knickers? Or Katharine Hepburn or Joan Crawford? Nah, girl, I’m as thick as two short planks and don’t care who knows it. I bet we have more laughs than all of them put together, and I’m more than happy with my life as it is.’
