by Haley Travis
“But he doesn’t think so,” I said quickly. “He honestly thinks that he looks like some sort of monster.”
“Did he tell you how he got the scar?”
“Yes,” I said. “I tried to tell him that it’s a badge of honor–”
“But he thinks it makes him look like a seedy criminal,” Gwen finished for me. “I know. It’s ridiculous.”
I stared down at my hands for a second, trying to collect myself. It was tricky to figure out how much I should share.
“I know it must have been weird to have a strange man taking care of you,” Gwen said carefully. “I would never have sent anyone I didn’t trust a thousand percent.”
“Thank you so much for sending him. Actually, it made it a bit easier in some ways,” I said. “I mean, it’s sort of more natural for a man to put his arm around you, right?”
Her lips pressed into a straight line. “I guess so.”
I tried to laugh lightly. “It was just easier when he was guiding me around, and especially when he took me to the doctor. He was very sweet.”
“You really like him.” It was not a question.
“Not important,” I said quickly, gesturing to her giant notebook. “Should we get started?”
“Hold up. You really like him. It’s obvious. So what’s the problem?”
It was odd that my eyes shut whenever things were overwhelming. “I guess he doesn’t feel the same way about me. He was polite after he took me home, and made sure that I had enough food and everything. Then it seemed like he couldn’t wait to get out of here.”
Gwen rolled her eyes as I was opening mine, and I sort of loved how dramatic she was. “Listen, Liam is a great guy, but he doesn’t get relationships. He hasn’t dated very much, and the woman he is closest to is a bit of a snarky bitch to him a lot of the time.” She waved her hand. “That would be me.”
I shook my head sadly. “If he was interested, he would have said something. Or he would have suggested we get together sometime. Whatever.”
She snapped her fingers in my face. “Not whatever. Don’t do that. You are a lovely, sweet girl, and if he has feelings for you, he needs to nut up and tell you.”
I choke-laughed for a second at her intensity.
“I’m serious,” she continued. “I will tell him off royally if I need to.”
“Please, don’t,” I begged. “Don’t say a word. If he’s not interested, that’s his business. I have no right to have any expectations.”
“You don’t have a lot of dating experience either,” she said. Again, it was not a question.
I cocked my head, squinting at her. “How do you know everything?”
Her eyes shot to the left and the right shiftily before she leaned in. “When you’re a nurse, you see a lot. You learn a lot. I just sort of know people.”
I took a deep breath, trying to center myself. She reached out and patted my hand. “I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean to stress you out. Let’s go over your new computer routine, then I’m going to review your eye exercises. We’re going to make notes on what to keep track of so there aren’t any complications.”
“Thank you,” I said. I felt like I was cringing into myself.
Gwen rolled her eyes again. “Shy girls. I don’t get it.”
Then I laughed so hard I nearly doubled over again, until she tapped her pen on the notebook to make me pay attention.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
* Liam *
As I walked to Gwen’s apartment, I still couldn’t get the vision of Kayla out of my mind. It haunted me. I dreamed of nothing else. Every time something funny happened, I wanted to share it with her. Then kiss her until neither of us could breathe.
I needed to know what sort of sounds she’d make when I stripped her bare, laying her across the bed and settling in to devote hours to pleasing her.
Random thoughts swirled messily through my tortured mind. The image of Kayla’s thighs wrapped around my ears made me so hard I had to stop walking for a second, pretending to pause to read a text.
I don’t deserve her. Nobody does. She’s a sweet little goddess and I can’t pull her down to my level. That would be… sacrilegious? Whatever. It would be buckets of wrong. Wrongness. It would be wrong-sational.
After a few deep breaths, trying desperately to put Kayla out of my mind for at least a few minutes, I walked the last block to Gwen’s.
As I walked down the hallway to her apartment, she was leaning in the door frame talking to a wiry, sandy-haired guy. He looked downright startled as I approached.
His gaze flickered over the right side of my face, then across the broad expanse of my shoulders. I could see his body tighten suddenly, then relax again as I smiled. “Hey Gwen, do you have time for the nursing report?”
She grinned. “Alex, this is my brother Liam.” I shook his hand as he still looked at me warily. “Liam helped me with a job last week, so I need to go over some details with him. Call me tomorrow?”
“Sure,” he said, sweeping a hand through his hair. “Good to meet you, Liam.”
“You too.”
I waited until he was out of earshot with the door closed behind us before asking, “So, that’s your latest dude?”
Gwen’s half embarrassed little grin said it all as we flopped on her couch. “Yeah.”
“You’ve already made out with him,” I observed.
She flushed. “Stop it.”
“Hey, no judgment. Good for you.”
“Okay then.” She glanced at her beeping phone on the table, picking it up to see who it was, then setting it down again. “Kayla’s trying to figure you out.”
My silence said more than I ever could.
She turned to me, pinning me in place with a glare. “What did you do to that girl?”
“Nothing! I mean, I took care of her. And held her hand at the doctor’s. I tried to be the comforting guy she needed, and now she doesn’t need me, and that’s that.” I tried to break her stare but it was awkward as hell. “How’s your ankle?”
“Fine. Thanks for asking. Back to business. She is crazy about you. The two of you obviously clicked. Now that she’s okay, pretty much, you should ask her out.”
My blood turned to ice water. “Pretty much? What do you mean by that? Is she not okay? What–”
Gwen’s laugh told me that Kayla was alright, and I tried to unclench. “She’s fine. Still recovering. She hates that I’ve made a huge chart with how much screen time she’s allowed per day, and that she’s still pretty light-sensitive.” She smirked. “I bet she’d be better off with her big strong nurse around.”
“But she’s not in pain? There haven’t been any more dizzy spells?”
Gwen’s face softened. “She told me about the peppermint. Very clever. You know, I think you did a really good job. She obviously hates being taken care of, or feeling like a burden, but you… somehow made it charming.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that.
“You can’t hide it,” Gwen said crisply. “You’re completely in love with her. Do not try to deny it. Not to me.”
I shrugged. “Why would I bother? You think you know everything. So you should know I’m obviously not good for her, and I’m going to stay away.”
Gwen reached out to the wall for her imaginary baseball, hurling it at my head. I ducked, then rolled my eyes.
“Why the hell don’t you think you’re good for her?” she exclaimed. “You’re a solid guy. You’ve seen some of the losers out there in this city. You want her to end up with one of those?”
My back teeth ground together at the thought of Kayla with another man. Not just that, but possibly with another man who didn’t treat her as a goddess.
“Yeah,” Gwen continued. “Some ass who she has nothing in common with, who doesn’t listen to her, doesn’t care for her, and expects her to wait on him.”
She watched in amusement as my jaw clenched.
“Kayla told me how sweet you were with her.
How you took her outside for fresh air, and how you held her tight to pin her down when she was dizzy. You fed her smoothies to make sure she was getting her vitamins to help her heal.” Gwen looked at me with an expression that was almost… sweet? “You’re good for her, Liam. Stop being a fucking asshole and get your girl.”
“I can’t.”
“Don’t make me pull out the baseball bat.”
“Listen,” I started, then I stopped. “I can’t tell you.”
“You can and you will, right now. Give me every reason why you’re not good for her.”
“Look at me,” I shrugged. “She deserves–”
“That’s not up to you,” Gwen said sharply, snapping her fingers nearly in my face. “She wants you, and you treat her well. She’s allowed to choose who she wants. Next point.”
I hated it when she quizzed me. “Okay, her family and friends are going to look at me like–”
“Wrong,” she interrupted. “She’s not close to her family, and her best friend is in Australia. Kayla isn’t the sort of person to give a crap what others think. Next point.”
My eyes dropped to my hands, balled into fists on my thighs. “I can’t tell you.”
“You can and you will, right now. I’m a nurse. I’ve seen and heard pretty much everything.”
As much as I couldn’t possibly share this with my older sister, I knew that she’d pester me about it until the end of time if I didn’t.
“We will never, ever discuss this again in any capacity.”
“Promise.”
I had to blow out a long, slow breath, and think of a way to say it in the least embarrassing way. “The… amount and intensity of lust that I feel for her… is something that I’m not sure I could control one hundred percent at all times.”
I was expecting Gwen to roll her eyes in disgust, not double over howling with laughter.
“You think… what? That you’re so hot for her you might get a bit rough?” She finally pulled herself together. “You know, a lot of girls really like that if it’s with a guy they trust completely.”
My eyes darted around, wishing for somewhere to stretch out and die from embarrassment.
“Liam, you wouldn’t hurt her. Not in a bad way. Not ever. No matter what wacky little caveman urges you think you have, once she was in front of you, you would never hurt her. You’d ask. You’d test the waters, and gauge her reaction.” Gwen cocked her head. “She’s pretty shy about some things though. Was she open with you?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I thought of Kayla crying in my arms, completely letting go. My shoulders almost twitched from the need to hold her.
Gwen was watching my eyes. “I know you’d listen to her, no matter what was going on. You’re a kind, loving man, and you’ve always treated women well.”
“I try.”
“You do. So, you know, deep in your heart, that you’d never hurt her. No matter how strong your… whatever. Impulses, let’s say.”
I hugely appreciated her keeping the conversation as clinical as possible.
“Alright, tough guy, what else?”
“I guess that’s it,” I shrugged.
She pursed her lips. “Well then, you’re going to have to set up a time to chat with her and tell her your fears in person.”
“I can’t do that.”
Gwen reached out to the coffee table, picking up an invisible handle, and mimicked smacking it on her other hand. She hardly ever reached for the bat. “You know I’ll use it.”
“Oh, I know.” I started to get up, then turned back to her. “Do you really think I’d be good for her?”
She nodded. “I actually think you’re going to make a great couple. If you stop being an ass, and if she lightens up and lets you take care of her a little.”
Then she paused. “If you want to be a little chicken shit about it, you still have to talk to her in person. Running out like that was a dick move, and you know it.”
I nodded, then stood up. She put the bat down, swinging her leg up on the couch as I tucked a pillow under her bad ankle. “Need anything else?”
“Yeah, could you pop down to the store to pick up some sexy lingerie for me so that I can seduce Alex properly after our date?”
I pretended to throw up a bit, then left.
As I walked home, I hated that she was nearly always right. I also hated how genuinely afraid I was of seeing Kayla again. But I had to. There’s a chance that my over the top reaction was just because I’d been so pent up and frustrated from not seeing her eyes. Maybe I could settle down now.
Even if I felt that weird, nearly violent pull to her, and I really didn’t feel like I could control it, I had to tell her in person why we couldn’t be together. I owed her that.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
* Kayla *
I knew my life would change after the surgery, but I was expecting my eyes to ache a bit. Not that my heart would be throbbing so badly I could barely breathe.
Not one moment passed that I didn’t wish Liam was with me. Or at least, in my life so that I could call him, or send him a funny text. I wanted to share my little milestones with him, like when I was able to do the full round of eye exercises without that icky tight feeling. Or finally picking up peppermint ice cream and treating myself.
My cloudy, abstract thoughts of finding a good man someday were gone. I’d found the one. And he didn’t want me.
At first, I’d assumed that he wasn’t attracted to me. That my blue eyes turned him off somehow. For all I knew, maybe he had a horrible ex-girlfriend with eyes like mine, and that would have been too much for him.
But he’d said that he thought I was beautiful. So what was his problem? At the very least, shouldn’t we date for a while and test things out?
I couldn’t stand being in the dark about things, now more than ever.
In some ways, I felt like I’d changed more than I’d expected during my week of blindness. I’d learned to love audiobooks, and now enjoyed them while I was stretching, cleaning the apartment, and taking a bath.
My sense of hearing was still slightly elevated, so I was re-listening to my favorite albums, noticing new things.
But the main thing was that I’d relaxed my rigid independence just by a hair. Having Liam care for me didn’t make me feel like a burden. It made me feel… loved. Precious. Like I was someone worth caring for.
It was such a new feeling that it didn’t quite have words that matched it. The sensation floated around me in an amorphous blob of newness.
I’d begged Gwen not to say anything to Liam, even knowing that it might get him in trouble with her. I was very careful to imply that nothing intimate happened beyond the way he held my hand, but she seemed to know things. I’d have paid anything to overhear their conversation when they talked about me.
If Liam’s mind was made up, there would be nothing Gwen could do. But if he was just waffling about something minor, hopefully she could at least get him to talk to me.
I was thrilled when I finally got a text from him, after not seeing him for a few days.
“Hey, would you like to meet up for a little fresh air and a chat?”
It sounded oddly formal, but I’d take it.
He asked if it was cloudy enough to meet me in a park near my apartment at six pm. The sun would be low enough, but it wouldn’t be so late that he’d worry about me being out alone. I was surprised that he wouldn’t come pick me up at my apartment.
The only thing that I could think was that he wasn’t attracted to me at all, and wanted to let me down easy. Everyone had a slew of weird reasons for feeling the way they did, and maybe his reasons were not my business. Maybe I looked like the girl he saved from that knife-wielding crazy guy who slashed him. Maybe he didn’t want to be reminded of that night every time he saw me.
It could be anything, but it was still hard not to take it personally.
Maybe I shouldn’t have hoped that we’d end up dating. I couldn’t help it – we clicked so well in
almost every possible way.
I was in a tizzy trying to figure out how to prepare to see him. It wasn’t a date, obviously. Except that it was. He’d only seen me in yoga pants and comfy sweaters. I didn’t want to frighten him off by dressing up too much, but I wanted him to see me in a new light.
I settled on a dark blue dress that fell just below the knee and revealed a tasteful amount of cleavage. I left my hair down in natural waves, and wore just a tiny bit of makeup. I knew that a little smoky brown eyeshadow made my eyes really pop. If he had a problem with them, I needed to find out once and for all. Immediately.
My heart was racing as I put on my sunglasses and began walking to the park where we had arranged to meet. My hands were already shaking. I needed him to touch me so badly I ached. I’d never had these sorts of feelings for a man, and if he didn’t let me touch him today, I might actually fall apart.
As I approached, I saw Liam sitting on a bench. I was running five minutes early, and he beat me here. I wondered what that meant.
He was nearly hunched over, his shoulders tight. I could see his hands opening and closing, making fists as if he was trying to shake out his tension. What could he be so upset about?
Then Liam looked up and saw me, and straightened up immediately.
I came over cautiously, sitting close beside him. “Hi,” I said softly, turning to him. It was so hard not to reach for him. I needed him to hold me and tell me what was wrong.
He studied my face for a moment, then his blank expression fell.
“I can’t trust myself with this anymore,” he said, handing me my apartment key with a shaky hand.
I looked up at him. “What do you mean?” I slid my sunglasses up on my head, looking at him. Waiting.
Taking a deep breath, he turned toward me. His eyes locked with mine, and I could practically see fire in those circles of deep hazel brown.
“Kayla, I need you to understand. When I saw those eyes, that smile, that look of joy and relief on your gorgeous face... I felt a wave of lust for you that I didn’t think I could control. I had to get away for your own good.”
