The same as Ellie’s been telling me.
Is that what I need? To break free from everything that’s been holding me back for the past few years? I glance up, locking eyes with Max. I could so easily see myself with him ten years from now.
We move along to check out the rest of the exhibition, sipping champagne and just enjoying being out with Max. I’m having such a good time that when comes time to leave, disappointment fills me.
“So,” he says as I put on my jacket. “Home? Coffee? Late night burrito?”
“Burrito?” I laugh, checking my watch. “And it’s not even ten. You consider that late?” I tease him.
His jaw drops open as he stares at me, his expression hurt. The twinkle in his eye gives him away, though. “Hey, I have a very tiring day ahead of me tomorrow. I have meetings all day and into the evening, which means I have to get up extra early to walk Lance or he’ll destroy my house in protest.”
“Lance?” I ask with a smile.
“My dog,” he says. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his phone. “This is him.”
I lean closer and look at the image on the screen. It’s of Max crouched down with his arms around a lanky, skinny dog.
“He looks like he’s a lot of work.” I grin. “I love dogs, but life is difficult enough looking after myself and Till. Though I’m sure she’d love a pet.”
“I know of a cat, if you’re interested,” he says with a straight face.
I crack up laughing. “A cat?” I sputter. “Whose cat?”
“Yeah, a student tried to smuggle a cat home and somehow I’ve ended up with him. You saw him in my office that day.” He rolls his eyes. “All he does is sit there and glare at me for breathing in his air.”
“You’re not a cat person, I take it?” I ask. I cover my face with my hand, stifling a giggle.
“What gave it away?” he asks dryly. “I’m more of a dog person, but I couldn’t take her to the shelter knowing she’d probably be euthanized.” We walk along, listening to the sounds of the city at night. The sounds of car horns and people laughing fill the air. In the distance a siren wails. “Seriously, animals are hard work, but they’re worth it. I got Lance after a nasty breakup. He’s helped me through a lot of dark times.”
I love this whole side of Max. If I’d thought he was compassionate and warm before, my opinion of him has just increased by tenfold. I want to pry and ask about his breakup, but I don’t want to step over the line . . . especially when I can just go behind his back and grill Ellie for the details.
We reach his car and I realize I’m not ready for the night to end. I tell myself it’s because I’ve gone so long with minimal adult contact, but it’s more than that. I like this guy. More than I care to admit.
“Okay, let’s go for a coffee,” I say.
“So that’s a no to the burrito?” he asks, his gaze falling.
“You’re really pushing the burrito idea.” I giggle. “My expectations are way up here now,” I say, lining my hand up with my head. “They’d better be some damn awesome burritos.”
“Oh, trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten something from the back of Sergio’s Mexican Fiesta truck,” he assures me.
“Okay, you got me. Take me to the truck,” I demand.
We take our burritos down by the lake, sitting side by side on the grassy bank. I’m not that hungry, but one bite and I’m hooked. They’re actually pretty damn good. I surprise myself by polishing off my food. Who would’ve thought burritos from a truck in the middle of Chicago could be so tasty? I’ve barely finished and I’m craving more.
“You look surprised,” he comments, his face beaming. I shake my head, amused about how much pride he’s taking in my liking these burritos.
“Tilly would love these,” I say. “That kid is obsessed with Mexican at the moment.”
“Then you’ll have to bring her down here one day. It’s a cheap meal that covers all the food groups. A parents dream.”
“Really?” I laugh, studying the contents of my chicken and salad. “You call this healthy?”
“Well, it’s healthier than a burger at least. Or no worse, at least,” he finally amends. “I can see lettuce, and meat. How bad can it be?”
I laugh and continue eating. I may not agree with it being healthy, but that’s not stopping me from finishing it. After taking a mouthful of his drink, he rests his hand back on his leg. I jump as his fingers graze over my thigh, my body tingling from his touch.
“Sorry,” he murmurs, a crooked grin sneaking across his mouth. I smile, not trusting myself to speak as I focus way too much on what’s left of my burrito.
We finish our burritos and then head back to Max’s car. My heart races as he pulls into Ellie’s street, as I wonder if he will kiss me. Do I want him to? Yes…I don’t know. I’m embarrassed at how inexperienced I feel when it comes to this. Aiden was my first and only boyfriend, and even then it’s been years since I’ve experienced a real kiss.
“Thanks for coming out with me,” he says. We’re standing on the curb in front of his car. He reaches for my hand, which sends shivers down my spine. I glance back at Ellie’s house, wondering if she’s watching through the window. This is Ellie we’re talking about. Of course she is.
I shift on my feet, feeling stupid that I’m waiting for him to kiss me. I made it clear I just want friendship, so why would he risk trying something? I give him a smile and lean in to kiss him on the cheek. At the same time, he moves in to kiss my mouth. What results is an awkward clashing of heads, followed by an awkward silence.
“I better go,” I giggle, not sure what else to say. “Call me, okay?” Letting go of his hand, I hurry down the path to the front door without looking back.
I’m barely through the door when Ellie pounces, scaring the hell out of me.
“How did it go?” she asks, grabbing my hand. She drags me into the living room and forces me to sit on the sofa, handing me a glass of red wine.
I can’t help but laugh. How long has she been sitting here, wine ready, waiting?
“It was good,” I say, unable to wipe the smile off my face. “He’s a nice guy. He’ll make a great friend.”
Ellie rolls her eyes. “You’re back pretty late,” she notes.
“We had burritos.” I grin. “And we talked.” I lie back in the seat and close my eyes, a pang of guilt stabbing my chest. A small part of me wanted the night to be a disaster, because now I’m faced with dealing with feelings I’m not used to experiencing. “It was loads of fun and I’m sure we’ll catch up again, but don’t get your hopes up for anything more, El.”
Her face drops. “I know you keep saying you’re not ready—”
“And you need to respect that. Look, El, I love you so much and I know you want what’s best for me, but at the moment, a relationship isn’t it. I’m not ready to let go of Aiden.”
Ellie nods slowly. “I’m sorry, Kee. I know I can be a pushy bitch. I just want to see you happy again.”
“I am happy,” I say. Aren’t I?
“No, you’re treading water,” Ellie corrects me. “There’s a big difference between surviving and living.” She leans over and hugs me. “You wanna stay here tonight? Tilly is asleep with Cassie in her bed, so you can have the spare room.”
I nod, not wanting to face going home alone tonight.
I finish my wine then ready myself for bed. Ellie brings me a pair of her pajamas and a change of clothes for tomorrow. As I undress and climb under the cool sheets, I think about what Ellie had said.
She’s right—I’m not really living. I get up each morning, and my focus is to make it through the day. Before the accident, I used to do so much more. I’d live each day as if it were my last. Now, I’m happy just to get through twenty-four hours without having a breakdown.
Curling up under the covers, I close my eyes and will sleep to come. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep because I rarely experience it without memories of Aiden creeping in. I love being
lost in my own world, one where he’s still here and with me. A world where I can kiss him and touch him.
But eventually I have to wake up, and when I do, I feel more alone than ever.
Chapter Eleven
Max
I take in the memos sitting on my desk and groan. It’s Monday morning, and all I seem to be doing is dealing with issue after issue. The final straw comes when one of my fifth-grade English teachers calls to let me know she’s been in a car accident. She’s okay, but at the very least, she’ll be away from work for eight weeks.
“Alyssa says she put in her notice for an extension on her maternity leave eight weeks ago. Why the hell wasn’t this processed? And where the hell is the form?” I growl, picking up another memo. She’s supposed to be back from her leave in three weeks, which means I have three fucking weeks to find a replacement for the remainder of the year.
Great, now I’m down two teachers.
“She did. I remember receiving it and handing it to Mr. Mattich. I’m sure he meant to process the extension but he had a lot on his mind by the end,” Rana says helplessly. Her deep brown eyes fill with moisture and she looks like she’s on the verge of tears.
That doesn’t help me much now, does it?
The rest of my day didn’t go much better. I have so much to do that I don’t know where to start. I call Grant to cancel our drinking plans for the evening. As awesome as relaxing with a few drinks sounds, I need to get onto finding these replacements.
“Hey,” I say when he answers. “I’m going to have to cancel our plans. I’ve had the day from hell.”
“That’s fine, man. Anything I can do?” he asks.
“Unless you can pull a teacher from out of your ass, no,” I say, my voice dry.
“Dude,” Grant begins slowly. “You do realize Kiara is qualified to teach? And she’s also looking for work.”
“Are you kidding me?” I laugh. “How did I not know this?”
“Maybe you didn’t ask the right questions?” he jokes. “No, she got pregnant with Tilly, then the accident happened…” He shrugs. “She fell into a job and never got out.” Grant pauses for a second. “Give her a call. Ellie said she was looking into applying for some teaching roles.”
“Maybe I will,” I murmur. The more I think about it, the more I love the idea. It doesn’t change my workload because I’ve still got to advertise and interview others for the job, but being able to help Kiara out would be amazing. “I gotta go. Thanks for the information.
Later, at home, after I’ve written and uploaded the teaching positions, I call Kiara.
“Hey,” she answers. I swear I can hear a smile in her voice. Or maybe I’m just imagining things.
“Hey yourself,” I reply, laying out on the sofa. Lance jumps on top of me, demanding attention. I pat him roughly. Even the cat strolls over for a pat. “So, I was thinking we might be able to help each other out with something.”
“Really? What?” she says, an edge of suspicion in her voice.
“I’m down two teachers and I hear you’re looking for work,” I say, getting straight to the point. “I want you to apply. You’d have to sit an interview, but I really think you’d be suited to one of the roles.”
“Me?” she laughs. “I mean, I have been looking into teaching, but I’m sure you can get someone with much more experience…”
“Experience isn’t everything,” I remind her. “You’re great with kids, and you love art.”
“It’s teaching art?” she asks, her voice strained.
“Yes,” I reply, knowing I have her. “Let me send you through the links to the application. See what you think. No pressure, but this could be great for both of us, okay?”
“Okay,” she agrees. “No promises, but I’ll take a look.”
“Good. Now,” I say, my heart beating a little faster as I prepare to ask her something completely off topic. “What would you say to a movie Saturday night? Just as friends, of course.”
She hesitates. “Okay. Just as friends.”
“Good. I’ll see what’s on and text you. Any preference? At least I know you prefer horror over romance,” I tease.
She laughs. “Okay, how about I pick the movie? I’ll let you know what time. If you can handle that.”
“I manage six hundred kids everyday,” I joke. “I can handle anything.”
Chapter Twelve
Kiara
Ellie glares at me from across the table, her fingers snaked around her mug. It’s just after noon on Tuesday, and after dropping Tilly off at school and then running some errands, I’m getting my daily fix of my sister.
“Seriously, you need a job and he’s practically handing it to you on a platter. What’s your problem?” she asks, frustrated.
“I’m not sure I can handle working there,” I mutter, even though I know I don’t have much of a choice. My small amount of savings is almost gone. If I don’t find something soon, I’ll have to ask my parents for help—something I don’t want to do.
“Why not?” Ellie presses. “Is it Max?”
Of course it is. I pause, trying to get the words right in my mind. I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling without sounding like a complete tool. In my sister’s typical fashion, she picks right up on it.
“You like him, don’t you?”
“No. Yes.” I cover my face with my hands. “He’s a nice guy who’s impossible not to like.”
“You know what I mean,” Ellie presses. “You really like him.”
“It doesn’t matter. The fact is I’m not ready for anything, so all the more reason for not putting myself in a situation where I have to see him every day.”
“Or all the more reason to do it,” Ellie argues. “If you’re not ready, then prove that to yourself. Besides, you’re hardly in the position to be turning down well-paying jobs that work around your needs with Tilly.”
“And that’s another thing. What if Tilly hates the idea of me teaching at her school?” I ask.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ellie scoffs. “That kid worships you. She’d be ecstatic if you were at her school, and you know it.”
“Now maybe,” I concede, “but she might not feel that way in a few years.”
“She’ll cope. Now go home and apply for that damn job before I do it for you,” she demands.
Sighing, I get up. I know she’s right, but I still need to think this through more.
I leave Ellie’s with the sudden desire to go and see Aiden. It’s probably guilt, like seeing him will reinforce how delicate this whole situation is. Should I feel guilty for having feelings for another man? My stomach tightens. I’m admitting to myself that I actually feel something for Max. That scares the hell out of me.
I love Aiden more than anything, but my life has changed so much in the last three years. For the first time in a long time I’ve found myself forgetting my problems. Max makes me laugh. He makes me forget how messed up my life is and reminds me how much more there is out there. But I know it’s not that easy. I can’t just turn off the way I feel, and I have Tilly to consider. Her life is confusing enough as it is.
I turn on the radio in a desperate attempt to escape my own mind. If I keep thinking about this, I’m going to go insane.
Pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, I park the car and get out. The usual feeling of dread hits me as I walk toward the door. I shiver, running my hands over my bare arms as I look up at the overcast sky. It looks like it’s going to downpour at any second, which is unusual for this time of year. I contemplate going back to the car for my jacket, but the walk just feels too long.
I arrive at Aiden’s room, the smile on my face burying my true emotions. My heart aches when I see him. He looks just the same as he did a few days ago except his hair is shorter. The new cut makes his cheeks look even hollower. My stomach churns and I look away. I walk over and sit in the chair, placing my hand over his. His cold touch makes me shiver as the constant beep of the machines keeping him aliv
e taunt me. Is it any wonder Tilly is so terrified to see him?
“Hey you,” I whisper. I swallow the lump in my throat. I’m on the verge of tears because I hate not being able to fix this.
If I’d thought coming here would ease my guilt, I was wrong. I feel a thousand times worse.
“You have no idea how much I wish I could hear your voice,” I mumble, wetting my dry lips.
For months after the accident I’d listen to his voice messages on my phone every day—sometimes ten times a day. It was the only thing that could help me feel close to him. I felt closer to him listening to a message than I did sitting next to him in this room. How fucked up is that?
“I just wish you could tell me what to do, because I don’t know what the right thing is anymore,” I whisper. “I’m tired of everything, Aiden. I just want to wake up and realize this is all a dream and you’re in bed next to me.”
I stare at him for a moment, as if I expect him to respond. Of course, he doesn’t. My hands shaking, I pick up a copy of the TV Weekly sitting on his bedside table.
“I know how much you enjoy your trashy TV, so I’ll get you up to date with all the showbiz news,” I say, my tone brightening up. We used to argue over how much crap I watched on TV. Aiden hated anything that wasn’t news or a documentary.
I run through the entire magazine, telling him everything from Kim’s latest scandal to who’s sleeping with whom. Just as I set the magazine back down, Heather walks in. She stiffens when she sees me but recovers quickly, her mouth lifting into a smile.
“Kiara. Lovely to see you,” she says, giving me a kiss on the cheek. “No Tilly again?”
“No, she’s in school. And she isn’t ready to come in,” I say, my voice quiet. I don’t want Aiden to have to hear this.
“Sometimes children aren’t mature enough to know what’s best for them,” she says, a hint of cruelty in her voice.
“True, but if she’s going to wake up screaming every night from nightmares, then I’m not going to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do,” I snap.
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