“The fucking pig,” Zeb said sympathetically.
Alex felt the tears close to the surface again and wanted to get up and lock himself in the bathroom, but there was no point. Zeb would still be here when he walked out. He stopped trying to hold them back and wasn’t surprised when Zeb reached for a tissue on the nightstand and handed it over wordlessly. Reassured, he continued to recount the events of that horrific night.
“The worst part was he used me as a woman and didn’t bother with a condom. I wasn’t on testosterone yet so I was still ovulating. After unloading in my vagina, my date flipped me over and shoved a bottle up my ass. Literally. Fortunately, it didn’t break, but it hurt like hell.”
“Jesus Christ!”
“It wasn’t pretty,” Alex admitted. “The only positive that came out of it was I didn’t remember much the next day. I just hurt in all the wrong places.”
“How did you block it out of your mind?”
“Loss of memory is a side effect of the drug,” Alex explained. “That’s why so many rapes go unreported.”
“What in the ever-loving fuck!” Zeb exclaimed. “Did your parents find out?”
“Oh yeah,” Alex said. “I had to tell them when I discovered I was pregnant.”
“Say what again?”
“You heard right….”
“Holy hell,” Zeb whispered. “That’s so messed up.”
Alex reached for Zeb and was immediately enfolded in a tight embrace. Hiding his face against Zeb’s naked chest, Alex cried, remembering the horror of facing one of the toughest decisions in an already heavily compromised life. To Zeb’s credit, he didn’t press for more answers and simply held on, whispering endearments that soothed and encouraged Alex to stay right where he was. About thirty minutes later, when the tears had dried up, Alex asked. “Do you want to hear more?”
“Only if you’re willing,” Zeb replied gently. “There’s no rush.”
Alex sat up and grabbed the box of tissues. He sopped up his cheeks, blew his nose, and leaned against the headboard beside Zeb, who pulled the bedsheet and comforter over their laps. They held hands as he continued.
“By the time I told my parents, it was too late to press charges. There was no rape kit and it was his word against mine. Plus, I didn’t want to go that route. There was enough talk about me as things stood. Being the only trans guy in our high school had already branded me, and I didn’t want any more attention. After hashing out the pros and cons, I made the decision to have the baby without informing the father.”
“That must have been tough.”
“You have no idea,” Alex said, snorting. “The hardest part for me was deciding whether I would keep the baby or not. I could have easily had an abortion, but was it the right thing? I’d already burdened my parents with my need to transition. I’m an only child, and once I started on hormones, the opportunity to give them a grandchild would be slim. That glaring truth factored heavily in my deliberations. For whatever reason, I’d been put in a position where I could do one thing to make them happy when all I’d done up to then was make them miserable. Maman and I went to Paris in my fifth month, where my paternal grandmother lived. Papa followed when it got closer to my time. Gabrielle was born in a small clinic near the apartment. We put my parents’ names on her birth certificate. No one questioned it because I had the same last name.”
“You’re something else, you know that? I knew you were special in so many ways, but this sacrifice takes it to another level. I can’t even….”
“I have no regrets, sugar. Gabby is the sweetest, most beautiful thing to emerge from that dark hour. My parents have been raising her as their child, but I’ve created a trust for her future needs and contribute regularly. She views me as her big brother and nothing more.”
“I’m in awe that you didn’t take the easy way out,” Zeb said.
“And regret it all my life? No.” Alex shook his head. “It’s hard to keep the truth from Gabby, but I would have never recovered if I’d gone the other route.”
“I think you’re terribly brave and absolutely selfless,” Zeb said. “I’ll do my best to erase whatever bad memories are lingering from that awful experience.”
“You’re nothing like that bastard,” Alex swore. “Would you like to meet Gabby someday?”
“I’d love to,” Zeb said. “Does she look like you?”
“Her sperm donor was white, so she’s more bisque than brown, but she has my eyes and mouth. And nappy hair,” Alex added, grinning. “My poor mother is wrestling with snarls and tangles again.”
“She must be gorgeous,” Zeb concluded. “What is she? Eight?”
“Almost. Her birthday is next month.”
“Did you have the hysterectomy shortly after?”
Alex shook his head. “I had to wait until I was legal.”
“But it’s done, right? You can’t get pregnant again?”
“Don’t worry, sugar. It’ll never happen again.”
“Not that I’d mind,” Zeb blustered. “I’m cool with having kids, but not yet.”
Alex chuckled. “You’re really one of a kind.”
“Hey, I speak from the heart. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Nothing at all,” Alex said gruffly. “You will take this revelation to your grave, right? No one knows except my parents and you.”
“That goes without saying,” Zeb confirmed.
“Can we turn the lights off and try to get some sleep?” Alex asked. “Confessions are exhausting.”
“Of course,” Zeb replied, reaching for the lamp on the nightstand.
In the darkness, they spooned with Alex taking the outer position. It had been an emotional day from start to finish, and it was amazing they were still so connected. He had been certain Zeb would have packed his bags and come up with some excuse to escape, but he’d been proven wrong. Again.
Zeb hadn’t flinched and was even willing to meet Gabby. Now, more than ever, Alex was confident they had a future. Perhaps he was delusional and this would blow up in his face someday, although he doubted it. Zeb wasn’t that kind of guy. There was no telling what the future had in store for them, but for the moment, Alex breathed a lot easier. It was such a relief to come clean and still have Zeb’s love and respect. He was tempted to get on the phone and tell his parents what had transpired, but it was almost one o’clock in the morning. They didn’t need to be frightened by unexpected calls at such an ungodly hour. It could wait until tomorrow.
The next time he skyped, he’d ask his parents to put Gabby on. He’d felt guilty that he couldn’t wish her a Merry Christmas earlier. It would have led to questions he hadn’t been willing to answer yet, but now there was no need to hide. His sweet girl could charm the heck out of Zeb, and there would be no ramifications. She already knew her big brother liked boys more than girls. It was a truth he’d insisted on explaining to her early on, and seeing him with Zeb wouldn’t raise any questions. With optimism in his heart, he closed his eyes and drifted.
Chapter 14
ZEB ROLLED over and reached for Alex but came up empty. Disappointed, he groped for his phone on the nightstand to check the time. It was midmorning and he guessed that Alex was already in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Zeb was grateful one of them could cook, but he would have enjoyed snuggling after last night’s dramatic revelation.
Because it was huge.
And it deserved proper consideration now that the shock had faded.
Moreover, he wanted to reassure Alex, underscore his commitment by making love to him, and afterward, when they lay in each other’s arms, he would reiterate his promise to protect his secret.
Putting his phone aside, Zeb closed his eyes and imagined Alex as a child. Looking in the mirror from an early age and seeing the wrong body must have been one hell of a mindfuck. He was no expert but had done some research since falling for Alex in October. He was almost certain the term gender dysphoria wasn’t even used around the time Alex determined his
body didn’t match his brain. Henri and Eloise Boulet couldn’t have known it was an actual condition. All they saw was a confused little girl who wanted desperately to be a boy. Did they think it was a phase, one he’d outgrow eventually? Was that why they’d delayed the hormone blockers that would have prevented his pregnancy?
After Alex was violated in the worst possible way, how had he survived without turning bitter and hostile? Zeb would never know that level of pain. It took incredible guts to withstand opposition, especially when you were fighting for something most people didn’t understand or considered abnormal. After Gabby’s birth, did Alex have second thoughts about transitioning? How long did he wait before embarking on that journey?
Trying to fill in the blanks without Alex’s input was impossible and a little frustrating. Postcoital chat would have been the perfect way to get some answers, Zeb thought wistfully, but, like everything else about their relationship, some unknowns would take time to unravel. What he did know for sure was that Alex’s ultimate decision regarding his daughter was damned heroic. Maybe Zeb was naïve, and seeing his boyfriend through the eyes of a man in love, but Zeb couldn’t help admiring Alex’s strength of character. He only hoped that when it came time to face his own family and friends, he’d follow Alex’s lead and be true to himself.
He sat up and plucked his boxers off the floor. They were lying next to his side of the bed, where he’d dropped them last night. He scanned the entire room and winced. Clothes were everywhere except on hangers. Alex probably twitched whenever he walked into his room and saw the mess. Thankfully, he’d resisted the need to clean up, but the piles needed to go. Zeb swept up the T-shirts, jeans, and boxers, sorting darks and lights at the foot of the bed. As far as he knew, there was nothing planned for the morning, so he decided to run a couple of loads of laundry to make Alex happy. The poor guy had enough on his plate without adding Zeb’s untidiness to the mix.
Still shirtless, he scooped up an armful of clothes and headed toward the kitchen. He threw in the load, added a detergent pod, and hit start. The coffeepot was full, and he poured himself a mug. Alex still hadn’t surfaced, so he headed toward the bathroom to take care of business.
Without hesitating, he pushed the door open and froze. Naked, Alex was facing the sink, holding a syringe in one hand, and poised to give himself a shot in the ass.
“Dammit!” Alex exclaimed glaring at Zeb over his shoulder.
“Shit! I’m sorry,” Zeb said, backing away. He shut the door and hurried down the hall to the bedroom. Feeling like an idiot, he grabbed a robe, as if it could cover up his mistake, and shrugged it on. Intruding on Alex was absolutely unintentional and had started off their morning on a sour note. Alex, so careful about personal boundaries, was probably having a meltdown. Zeb wanted to slap himself upside the head for being thoughtless.
Five minutes later, Alex walked into the bedroom. “Are you okay?”
“Me? No. God, I’m so rude,” Zeb apologized, slumping down on the bed. “You must think I was raised in a barn.”
“Knocking usually avoids misunderstandings,” Alex said softly. “And for the record, I wasn’t shooting up with illegal drugs. I was giving myself a shot of T.”
“Drugs never occurred to me,” Zeb said. “But I’ll admit hormone shots didn’t even cross my mind. I thought you took them in pill form.”
Alex’s laugh was tinged with exasperation, but he didn’t walk out of the room. “Your curiosity will get you in trouble someday. Maybe you should consider a career in law enforcement?”
“Not an option,” Zeb said, frowning. “You can always tell me to fuck off when I’m too intrusive.”
Zeb must have looked miserable because Alex sat beside him and reached for his hand. Meshing their fingers, he clarified. “Your questions used to bother me when we first met, but as we got closer, I realized you had no agenda other than curiosity. That being said, there is a thing called privacy.”
“Got it,” Zeb said sheepishly. “I’m sorry to be such a nosy fuck, and forgetting to knock is plain old bad manners. Feel free to bend me over your knee and give me a good spanking.”
“Not my thang,” Alex drawled. He took his gaze off Zeb, noticed the recent housekeeping, and commented, “Someone feels guilty.”
Zeb shrugged. “I got the urge to run some laundry before I walked in on you.”
“Good idea, sugar. Want some breakfast?”
He couldn’t believe Alex was being so chill. “Is there a magical ingredient in those shots that keeps you on such an even keel?”
“No, sugar. It’s your honesty that makes me benevolent.”
“Really?” Zeb asked. “You weren’t so forgiving last night.”
“I’m not aggressive as a rule, but that doesn’t mean I’ll roll over if someone attacks me.”
“You rocked it,” marveled Zeb.
“Those two idiots were drunk and sloppy,” Alex criticized. “They weren’t much of a challenge, but I’m glad it ended the way it did.”
“So am I. Come here,” Zeb coaxed.
“Why?”
“When I woke up and you were gone, I was disappointed.”
“Don’t you want to eat?”
Zeb snickered. “That’s a loaded question.”
Alex gave a half smile but moved closer.
At the foot of the bed, Zeb pulled his arms free of his robe and let the terrycloth puddle around his waist. Perfectly poised to wreak havoc when Alex stepped in between his spread knees, Zeb looked up at the green eyes peering down at him and reached for Alex’s sash. “May I?”
Alex hesitated.
“You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” Zeb encouraged gently, “But I’ll switch off the lamp if you want.”
He wasn’t sure if last night’s revelation prompted Alex’s next move, but instead of replying to Zeb’s query, Alex tugged on the loose knot and his robe parted. He was wearing navy blue low-cut bikini briefs, and his slim waist, taut abs, and perfectly worked obliques lit a spark of desire deep in the pit of Zeb’s stomach. Zeb was keenly aware how many crunches and planks it took to achieve those amazing results, not to mention the willpower to push away certain food groups. Body fat had to be down to a level where you could see the lower abs meet the hip flexors to create the sexy V that drove most women—and men—crazy. Zeb didn’t have that kind of discipline, but he sure as heck appreciated a boyfriend who did.
His arms moved on their own accord, wrapping around Alex’s waist and bringing him close enough to taste. The chance to savor the smooth skin in broad daylight accelerated the earlier spark and sent it straight to his cock. The tip of his tongue poked Alex’s navel, circling sensuously, and the soft purring rising from Alex’s throat was all the encouragement Zeb needed to keep going. He rubbed his scruffy face against the taut six-pack while Alex raked his fingers through Zeb’s spiky hair. Craving more, he shifted his attention to Alex’s dark love trail, nibbling all the way down until he got to the elastic.
Before Zeb had time to explore further, Alex maneuvered him onto his back, yanked off Zeb’s boxers, and dragged himself along the prone body until he landed chest to chest with Zeb’s head captured between his large hands.
“Am I too heavy?” Alex asked softly.
“Not at all,” Zeb replied. “Are you packing?”
“No.”
“You mean that nice hard bump is all you?”
“Yeah.”
“Feels so good,” Zeb exclaimed. “Take off your briefs.”
“Has anyone ever told you what a bossy shit you can be?”
“You have,” Zeb said with a sigh. “If I waited on you to make the first move, we’d be old and shriveled before reaching our happy ending.”
“We mustn’t have that,” Alex teased.
Alex slithered out of his skimpy briefs, and the feeling of skin against bare skin was glorious. Zeb spread his legs and Alex began a slow, torturous grind, hiking up the intensity with deep, openmouthed kisses. His precum served as a natur
al lubricant for a delicious slip and slide, a fuss-free way of reaching nirvana without having to stop for accessories.
Alex’s ragged breaths, in combination with Zeb’s own pants, filled the room. Zeb raised his hips and bent his knees, digging his heels into the mattress to create more friction. Clutching Alex’s asscheeks with desperate fingers, he squeezed so hard he was certain Alex would bear the marks for days.
“I’m close,” Alex warned.
“On the count of three,” Zeb gasped. Arching his back and writhing wildly, he unloaded in a gush of warmth while Alex came in a moan.
Their hearts thundered in unison, and Zeb could feel Alex’s tissue pulsing against his, clear evidence that he’d succeeded in rocking his world, even if he hadn’t ejaculated. This was the way of things between them, and in truth, it didn’t matter one iota if Alex didn’t shoot ropes of semen. Zeb had more than enough to share. What counted was the deep connection, and when Alex lifted his head and relaxed his hold on Zeb’s skull, the words that tumbled out were inevitable.
“I love you,” Zeb whispered.
“Je t’aime aussi,” Alex countered in a soft purr.
He rolled off Zeb, and rather than spring apart to clean up, Zeb lifted Alex’s arm so he could nestle against his chest. He pulled up the sheet and covered them both.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Zeb asked softly.
“More than okay,” Alex replied.
“This is exactly what I wanted for breakfast.”
“You got your wish.”
After a few beats, Zeb couldn’t help himself. “Can I ask you a question?”
Alex burst out laughing and Zeb’s head bounced along with his heaving chest. Shame colored his cheeks until he realized Alex wasn’t upset, simply amused, and Zeb ended up joining in the laughter. When Alex finally caught a breath, he rolled over to face Zeb. His eyes were bright with amusement. “What do you want to know?”
“It can wait; I don’t want to ruin the mood,” Zeb confessed.
Being With Him Page 12
