by Ami Weaver
Why not? There were a hundred reasons, too many to count. He wasn’t really father material. Uncle material, sure. He bet he could do uncle pretty well. Not be fully responsible for any of them, but still be in their lives. Help when they needed it, but not step in to fill that crucial father role. Today, when all he’d done was let Eli climb a few feet off the ground in a great climbing tree, he’d proved he wasn’t parent material in Callie’s eyes.
Plus, they were Jason’s kids. How could he want to step in and take his friend’s place? Did he want to? If they weren’t Jason’s, would the answer be different?
It didn’t matter now. Matt definitely wanted things from Callie he had no business wanting. But replacing Jason wasn’t one of them. That was for damn sure.
Matt heard the door from the kitchen open, and when he turned to look, he saw Callie standing there, her beautiful face set in angry lines. His heart sank as he rested one hip on the workbench he’d been staring at. This wasn’t going to go well.
“I don’t let them do things like climb trees,” she said bluntly. “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t, either.”
“I’m sorry, Callie,” he said. “I won’t let him do it again.” Not that he’d have the chance. He’d bet she was gearing up to run even as she stood there. She wasn’t going to give him a chance to be a dad to them, even if he wanted it. Even if the kids wanted it.
“Thank you,” she said stiffly, and turned to go inside.
He cleared his throat. He might as well get it all out, if he’d lost her anyway. “But I think you’re wrong.”
She froze, her hand on the knob. She turned back around, her expression incredulous. “What did you say?”
He met her gaze. He was in this now, for better or worse. “I think you’re taking this too far. You’re a great mom. But your reaction to Eli climbing a little way up a tree today was much too strong. You scared him.”
“As I should have,” she pointed out, her tone cold. “He’s not supposed to do that kind of thing. He could get hurt.” Her expression clearly said this wasn’t something she should have to explain.
Matt forged on. “But he didn’t, Callie. That’s my point. I shouldn’t have let him do it without asking you, and I am sorry for that. But I was right there. He’s a curious, active kid. But you won’t let him be either. Why is that?”
Shock crossed her face as she shook her head. “I’m keeping him safe,” she said. “I’m doing my job as a parent. I’m not trying to stifle him. Or hurt him.”
Matt shook his head. She needed to see exactly what she was doing. “Of course you’re not. But you scared him today. He was having a great time, proud of himself and excited to show you what he’d done, all by himself, and you freaked out.”
She tipped her chin up and her eyes flashed with anger. “Of course I did. I hope he got scared and won’t do it again. I can’t let him take risks like that, Matt. I wouldn’t be a good mom if I let him get hurt. And if he’s mad for a while, well, he’ll get over it.”
Here was a sticking point for Matt. He moved toward her and she stood her ground on the steps. “How are you a bad mom if he does get hurt, Callie? He’s a kid. They get things like bumps and bruises and the occasional broken bone. Kids fall off bikes and get hit by baseballs and trip over toys on the floor in their rooms. Getting banged up is part of growing up. It’s not always under your control. Accidents happen, kids occasionally get hurt, and then they get better again and go back for more.” He stopped in front of her and her position on the step put her at eye level with him. In hers, he saw the anger, the fear. The confusion.
She looked away and crossed her arms firmly over her chest. He continued, “But if you overreact to it, you make it more than it needs to be. It’s fine to be upset he was in the tree. It’s fine to be concerned about his safety. You have every right to be both of those. But maybe you need to make sure you don’t cross the line and push him into doing this stuff on purpose.”
Overreacted? Not really. True, she’d been so focused on what could have happened that she hadn’t really looked at what was actually happening. Matt had been right there, and Eli hadn’t been very high up, true. But it’d been too high for her, and she’d been unable to stop the huge swell of panic that had overtaken her.
So no, it wasn’t an overreaction.
But right now she was angry and hurt and feeling a little betrayed by all of them. The picture of Matt carrying Eli flashed in her mind’s eye. Her angry little boy snuggled in those big, strong arms. As if they’d formed a unit and cut her out. It made her panicky. Things were changing too rapidly and she couldn’t seem to stop any of it. Slow any of it down. What was wrong with doing what you had to, whatever it took, to keep the people you loved safe? Even if it made them unhappy in the short run, it was for their own good. Someday they’d understand.
“He won’t do any of it if I can help it,” she said flatly, and turned to go inside, not bothering to see if Matt followed her or not. His refusal to see her side of it made her a little queasy. Her mom, her friends, all of them said the same thing, and while maybe part of her saw their point, a larger part wasn’t so sure. And until she knew, she couldn’t sort it out.
She turned back around, unable to resist making one last point, since it was all over, anyway. “And this is rich, coming from you. You who take all these dangerous chances for a living. Matt, I don’t want my boys exposed to this stuff. Any of it. It’s not—it’s not okay with me.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. “How is that going to work out? Are you ever going to let them ride a bike, Callie? A skateboard? Play sports?” He must have read the answer on her face because he added, “You can’t control everything about their lives. You can’t stop them from ever getting hurt. That’s my whole point. Don’t you think they should see how to handle this sort of thing responsibly?”
“How is it responsible to let a little kid climb a tree? Or to ride a bike in the mud when you know what can happen?” she hissed back. “Or go white-water rafting? How is it responsible to put yourself on the line like that? In danger? It’s no way to be a role model to little boys.”
Her own words echoed hollowly in her head. Was that really how she saw him? As someone who, willy-nilly, took risks, with no regard to the consequences? Or was it an excuse, a way to put distance between herself and her feelings? Already, to Eli, Matt was a hero. A fatherlike figure. Was she too late to reverse this? She’d gotten involved without meaning to, and look where they’d ended up.
His face was a mask. There was no emotion on it as he stared at her. “How are you going to explain Jason to them when they’re older?” he asked. “Sugarcoat what he did? How he died? How can you do that? There was far more risk in his job than there is in mine.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. Not that long ago she’d been comparing them, too. “It’s not the same,” she said stiffly, and Matt shook his head.
He moved closer, close enough she could have kissed him if she was brave enough. The fact she wanted to kiss him, take all this pain and anger and spin it out into something beautiful, caught her off guard, and she almost flinched away from him.
His tone was hard. “This isn’t about me. It’s not even about Jason. It’s about you, and how you are too scared to live your life the way you should in case something goes wrong. It’s about you trying to control and micromanage those boys to pieces. Already both are showing signs of their daddy’s personality. Are you going to shut that down in them? How do you think you can do that, without them resenting the hell out of you for it?”
“I’m going to protect them!” she shouted. “That’s what mothers do. Protect their kids from harm and danger. That is what I’m doing. And you have no right to tell me I’m wrong. No right at all.” Her eyes blazed as she poked him in the chest with her finger.
His eyes narrowed as he caught her left hand. He ran the rough
pad of his thumb over the place her rings had been. He looked at her, shock and regret on his face, and she wished with her whole heart she’d left them on, left up that last barrier, because she’d opened herself to emotional destruction. For a moment, there was a flash of strong feeling on his face, then the hard mask was back. He dropped her hand and she felt the loss of contact keenly.
“You’re right,” he said flatly. “I don’t have the right to tell you what to do. But you don’t have the right to impose your fears on your kids, either. That’s exactly what you’re doing. And you refuse to see it.” He moved around her into the house, not touching her, not making eye contact. Her skin prickled in that way it did when he was near, like electricity dancing over her skin. She suppressed the unwelcome little shiver that followed the feeling. Even now, even angry as she was at him, she still responded to him. It was infuriating. Aldo, who’d been waiting on the other side of the door, apparently sensed the tension flowing between them, because he gave a little whine and nudged her hand, then padded after Matt.
She stood there in the doorway and watched them go, pain and fury mingling with something else, a suspicion that she was on the verge of ruining something hard-won and precious. She fought down the tears and dropped her head on her hands. She’d get out of here tomorrow. She’d call Bill to be sure her place was livable enough, with the tarp on the roof, and if so, they’d go home. If not, they’d go to Maureen and Joe’s, despite the inconvenience. Callie couldn’t stay here any longer.
She got herself under control and entered the house quietly. With nowhere else to go, she went to sit on the couch, noting that Matt’s bedroom door was closed. Part of her wanted to chase him, but she knew she was right to take this stand.
She was right to protect her kids at any cost. There was no doubt there. They could get hurt in too many ways from too many things, and they needed her to stand between them and those things. That’s all she was doing. She wasn’t wrong. Matt didn’t understand, because he hadn’t ever had the kind of loss she had. The point was, while they were so small she could control what they were exposed to, and she would.
Laughter from the rear bedroom made her shut her eyes and sit back on the couch. She pressed her fingers between her eyebrows and fought the tears. She was doing what she thought was best for her children by keeping them safe. It wasn’t always going to be pretty, and they wouldn’t always like it, but that was part of parenting. And doing it alone was that much harder. There was no one to lean on, to back her up.
Matt’s face flashed in her mind. She winced. He hadn’t backed her up. He’d encouraged her son to do something dangerous, and didn’t seem to fully understand her justification for being so upset. He’d argued that it was just what kids did. That they got hurt all the time.
Well, okay, maybe. But not her kids. Not as long as she had any say.
But for how long would she have that say? They’d grow up all too quickly and, as Matt had warned, resent her bitterly for suppressing their adventurous sides....
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
MATT FOUND HIMSELF at work the next day with a grumpy Brice and a hovering Marley.
Brice’s arm was wrapped and splinted. “He wouldn’t stay home,” Marley said, concern and annoyance layered in her tone.
“What am I going to do at home? I stayed home yesterday,” he said irritably, and she lifted an eyebrow.
“Take it easy?” she suggested in a sugar-sweet tone that made Matt think this wasn’t the first time they’d had this particular conversation. Or even the second. When Brice didn’t answer, only scowled, she threw her arms up. “Men are such babies. I’m going for coffee.”
She grabbed her purse and swept out the door. Amused, Matt turned to study his friend. “Maybe I should go back home. Give you guys some space to fight.”
Brice scowled. “It’s a broken arm. Not a huge deal. Just wait till you get hooked into this whole thing.”
Matt chose to misunderstand his friend’s meaning. He wasn’t getting hooked into anything, not after his blowup with Callie. “I don’t plan on falling off my bike and breaking any bones.”
“Hah.” Brice shook his head. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. I’m talking about Callie.”
“I’m not,” he said, keeping his tone mild even as he thought of her anger and fear and all the issues that stood between them. “There’s nothing that’s going to happen there.” Yet she’d taken off her rings. Why? Did it mean she had feelings for him? He knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t have removed them without a great deal of thought.
“Why not?”
Matt shoved his hands in his pockets. Where did he begin? There were so many reasons, it was impossible to know which one was the deal breaker.
“She isn’t interested in a guy who takes risks for a living,” he said finally, because that summed it up the best. “And I can’t do anything else. So—” he shrugged as if it didn’t matter, as if it wasn’t eating him up inside that she’d taken her rings off “—that’s that.”
“That’s crazy,” Brice said flatly.
“It is what it is,” Matt said, trying to pretend he wasn’t torn up by the thought of Callie not being in his life. Of losing the boys. Not just because of his connection to Jason, although that was part of it. But because he really and truly liked all of them, liked Callie.
Maybe far more than that, but going there was too painful. So he wouldn’t even try. He’d worked hard to keep his heart out of this. He strongly suspected he’d failed miserably and that was why this hurt so damn bad.
Brice set his casted arm on the table with a thump and a wince. “So that’s it? You’ll just let her walk away?”
Since his friend wasn’t going to drop it, Matt gave in. “I don’t see any other choice. I let Eli climb a tree and she went crazy. You fell off your bike and it just cemented in how dangerous my life is. All the precautions, all the safety equipment in the world isn’t enough.” Because it hadn’t saved Jason. And she was so terrified of something happening she couldn’t control, she’d gone too far the opposite way. Matt got that. Really, he did. “She can’t handle any kind of risk. She tries to control every possible thing, and that’s just not rational.” Bottom line, it wasn’t any way to have a relationship. She’d be in a constant state of fear, and he didn’t want that. For any of them, but especially the boys.
“I know you don’t want my advice. But I’m giving it to you anyway. Don’t let her get away. She needs you, Matt. Those kids need you. I almost let Marley go, remember?” Brice shook his head. “I can’t even imagine being so stupid. But I was.”
Matt stared at the ceiling. “This isn’t the same. I don’t know how to make her see that what she’s doing is making things harder for herself and the boys. She’s not even speaking to me and we live in the same house.” For now. It wouldn’t shock him to find she’d moved out by the end of the day. She’d probably called Bill last night to see if her place was livable. If it wasn’t, she’d probably go to Maureen and Joe’s. Either way, she’d run. Matt had totally blown it.
Brice opened his mouth to speak, and he shook his head. “There’s nothing to say. Thanks, though. I appreciate the ear.”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Brice declared, and when Matt looked at him sharply he saw his friend was serious. “It had to be said. You’ve got all the signs of being one. So don’t do it.”
“Don’t do what?” Marley asked as she came through the door, cardboard coffee-holder in hand. Matt shook his head, but Brice said, “Be stupid about Callie.”
Marley removed one of the cups from the holder and handed it to her husband, then another, which she handed to Matt. “Are you in danger of being stupid about her?”
He took the cup. “No.”
“Yes,” countered Brice. Marley nodded.
“Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Yo
u’re in love with her, but hiding your feelings behind her husband. She’s scared, but she has reason to be.” Marley took a sip of her coffee and shrugged at Matt’s shock. “You’re so easy to read. What are you going to do about it?”
It took him a second to sort through everything she’d said. “I’m not hiding behind Jason.” Actually, he’d intended to deny he was in love with Callie. Why hadn’t he?
“Aren’t you?” Marley’s eyes were implacable. Matt sent a save me look to Brice, who just shook his head, a small grin on his face. She continued on. “You’re trying to filter all this through Jason. What would he want? What would he want you to do? Would he be okay with this relationship? But what matters is, what does Callie want? What do you want? This relationship is about you and her, not her and Jason, or you and Jason.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not in love with her,” Matt said shortly, and turned to walk away. What was Marley talking about, hiding behind Jason? He wasn’t doing that. There was no way to make it work, even if they wanted to—and Callie had been clear she didn’t want that. Even though she’d taken her rings off, it wasn’t enough to overcome the fact that he’d wrecked the situation by being cavalier with Eli’s safety, as she saw it.
“Oh, yes you are,” he heard Marley say, but her tone wasn’t smug this time. It was sad. Brice said something, but Matt didn’t catch it as he closed his office door. He sank down behind the desk and stared at the computer, not seeing it. Not seeing anything but Callie’s stricken face when she’d spotted Eli in the tree. Or when she’d finally decided what Matt did for a living made him too reckless and dangerous, and he wasn’t the man for her.
Seeing her bare ring finger.
He shut his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. Funny how he hadn’t been even remotely this torn up when his fiancée had dumped him. He’d been almost relieved then. Now, he felt actual physical pain over a loss of someone—three someones, to be exact—he’d never had any kind of claim to in the first place.
