by Raathi Chota
“In the end, we’re all human trying to live in this brainwashed society,” I croaked out. Yet I shook my head as the lump in my throat grew. The sudden urge to cry got stronger as I attempted to speak. “I-I don’t know who I am anymore. I-I don’t know what to…what to do anymore. The sudden feeling to live and carry on with life is grim. Especially since your demons always follow you.” Blake and Levi stared at me as I let out a pathetic laugh. “I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore. I’m not sure if I’ll get into Ya—”
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” Levi cut me off as he dumped his cigarette in his ashtray. I squinted my eyes as Levi’s jaw clenched and he shook his head. I noticed Blake didn’t speak; he just kept his head low and let the ash fall into the ashtray that Levi had. “You’re letting Benny fucking Nielson get in the way of your dream school. Just because you’re dating now,” Levi said as I stood up.
“Stop blaming him for everything!” I demanded as I walked past him. Levi stood up and threw his arms up in frustration.
“Angie said you applied to schools in Illinois and dodged Yale. The only reason would be him, right?” Levi stated as I spun around and glared at him.
“No! Just fucking stop!” I shouted, which echoed through the house. “It’s not him, it’s me! I don’t even know if I’m right for that school. Fuck, I don’t even know what I want to become anymore!”
After I said that, the house fell into a profound silence. Obviously, Axel, Carter, and Ethan heard from the kitchen. Over Levi’s shoulder, I saw Blake stare at me with a concerned look. I turned back to Levi to see a frown spread across his face. Levi opened his mouth, but nothing came out. I slowly shook my head and walked upstairs to my room. I slammed the door, then walked to my desk. I opened the drawer and took out Blake’s pack of cigarettes. I took one out along with the lighter that Keene left for me. I sat against the wall as I put the cigarette between my lips. The house was quiet; if someone dropped a pin, I’d probably hear it. I raised my head and noticed myself in the full-length mirror. I looked ruined.
I took off my glasses and threw them on my bed. Even though the mirror was across the room, I knew what I looked like. The stitches on the chin, hair looked dead as ever, dark, miserable blue eyes, and the cigarette. I hated myself. I always fucked up. Everything that had happened to everyone I cared for was my fault. I wish things were back to when it was Levi and I when we were kids. Then, Uncle Griff babysat us, and we’d have a fantastic time. Or when I first met Miranda in the girls’ restroom and she thought I was intriguing. Even the time when Benny and I were dance partners. He was so nervous that day and kept stepping on my feet.
I looked at myself again at the blurry image in the mirror. The smoke came out of the cigarette and disappeared into the air as I took a drag. I clenched my knuckles as the thought of Parker entered my mind. I hated him. I’d never hated someone so much as almost to choke them. I pinched the cigarette with my index finger and thumb then threw it toward the mirror. I watched as the cigarette hit the glass and the ashes fell to the ground. Then the cigarette fell to the ground. I looked down at my hands and realized they trembled. These hands had done some terrible things. They’d been used to kill, take pills, smoke, and almost choke someone.
I balled my fists then sat up. I walked to the bathroom and took out a pair of contact lenses. I stared at myself in the mirror as I slowly put them on. Last time I wore contacts was when we made a bet. However, appearances didn’t matter anymore. As Blake said, I should show the side that I was too afraid to show, whatever that was because I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I took the envelope out of my pocket and placed it in my drawer. I grabbed the air freshener from the bathroom and sprayed my bedroom, then grabbed my coat. I walked downstairs to see the guys in the living room either smoking or on their phones. I walked right past them as I approached the door. I grabbed Mom’s car keys then walked out into the cold weather.
***
I walked toward the brightly decorated Christmas house and took in the atmosphere. Wow. My own boyfriend’s house decorations were better than mine. We decorated, but it’s not as good as the Nielsons’. I nervously knocked on the door and waited. The door whipped open, and Benny’s mom stood in front of me with a bright smile on her face.
“Lana, hi!” she said, then motioned for me to come in. I gave a kind smile as I stepped out of the cold and into the warm house. She wore a red jersey, blue jeans, Ugg boots, and an apron. I followed her into the kitchen and looked around for Benny.
“Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Nielson. I just wanted to know if Be—”
“Oh, it’s no problem, Lana. I enjoy some female company. It’s not easy living with three men.” She chuckled and walked to the oven. I awkwardly stood by the door and watched her cover something up, then put it in the oven. Once it was in, she clasped her hands together then turned to me. “Sit down, honey.” She pointed to the chair by the island. “Here, taste this.”
She held up a spoon of what seemed to be a particular dessert. I found it weird that Benny’s mom spoon-fed me something.
“Mm,” I said as my eyes widened. “This is really good.”
“Homemade pudding.” She smiled as she dished me a bowl.
“Thank you.” I smiled. I ate in silence as Mrs. Nielson wiped the counters.
“You know, Lana, I’m glad that Benny has someone like you. I’m not just saying that because you two are dating but…” She trailed off as I looked at her. “When Benny was young, he barely socialized with people. He only had Nick and Liam. He was very quiet growing up. Yet he used to come home and tell me all about his day.” She laughed as I smiled. “I told him to write letters since he was so quiet. I don’t know if that was a good idea because after he got into the routine to write a letter once a month, he kind of became distant.” She stared at the ground and let out a sigh, then continued. “Then high school started, and he became accepted but still stuck to his little group of friends. I wonder if he still writes after all these years.”
“Why are you telling me this, Mrs. Nielson?” I asked after a while.
“You make my boy happy again. Sam even gets jealous of Benny talking about you,” she said, and I felt my cheeks warm up. “Well, I suppose you want to see him now.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Nielson,” I said, then walked out of the kitchen. I knocked on the door, then slowly opened it. When I peeked through, Benny’s back faced me as he sat by his desk.
“I already tasted your pudding, Mom, and it’s lovely,” he said as I tiptoed toward him.
“Guess who?” I asked in a deep voice and cupped my hands over his eyes. His hands instantly touched mine as he felt them.
“Hmm, it can’t be Sam because he isn’t here…Liam?” he jokingly asked as he stood up. Benny quickly spun around and engulfed me in a hug. I laughed as his arms wrapped around my waist while he picked me up. We fell onto his bed as we chuckled. He hovered over me as I stared into his brown eyes. A smile spread across his face as he put a lock of hair behind my ear. “What brings you here, gorgeous?”
“I missed you,” I whispered as I stroked his cheek and took in his facial features. “Remember when you came to my house and said that long thing about me being a fragile piece of glass that you kept breaking but you’re willing to put the pieces back together?”
“Yeah.” He raised a brow.
“Quite cheesy, Nielson.”
“Well, it’s true.” He laughed. “How am I doing so far?”
“I don’t know…the cracks still show.”
“The cracks will always show, but it proves that you’re strong and that we don’t heal overnight,” he whispered. Benny kissed my forehead as I smiled at him. He stared at me then raised a brow. “You’re not wearing your glasses.”
“Yeah, I was too lazy to put them on.”
“I think it takes longer to put on contacts than to put on your glasses.” Benny laughed. “Either that or you didn’t want them to get in the way.
”
“Get in the way of what?” I asked.
“Of me doing this,” he mumbled, then kissed me. I locked my arms around his neck as I smiled. He rested between my legs as his hands traveled down my body. My arms went around his torso as I brought him closer. He kissed down my neck as I ran my fingers through his hair. I wrapped my legs around his torso, and he flipped us so I was on top. I brushed against him, and he moaned. I cupped his cheeks as I deepened the kiss. I felt his hands go inside my back pockets and he squeezed my ass.
Just then, Benny’s phone went off. I straddled him and watched as he took his phone. “Hello.” His eyes locked with mine as he gave me the phone. “It’s for you.”
“Hello.” I raised a brow.
“Lana! I’ve been calling your phone for the past five minutes. I figured you’d be with Benny,” Melissa said as I watched Benny.
“Yeah,” I mumbled as Benny sat up. His one arm wrapped around my torso as he held me up. He buried his face in my neck as he left sloppy kisses on them.
“We’re having a girls’ night at Miranda’s house. I’ve called Tiffany, and she’ll be coming too,” she said as I sucked in a breath.
“Uh—okay. I-I’ll be there…soon.” I sighed as Benny pecked my skin. Melissa ended the call, and I threw the phone on the other side of the bed. Benny wrapped both arms around me as he continued to kiss me. “I need to go. I promised a girls’ night before Christmas.” I moaned as he nibbled on my collarbone. Benny let out a sigh as I got off the bed. I straightened my clothing then turned to my boyfriend. I put my arms around his neck then pecked his lips. “I’ll see you soon.”
***
The whole night, we talked about hot actors and complete nonsense. I borrowed Miranda’s clothes since I didn’t want to drive back home. I noticed the guys gave me space since I hadn’t heard from any of them.
“Where’s your mom?” Tiffany asked Miranda.
“Oh, she’s at a friend’s thingy.” Miranda shrugged her shoulders.
“Hey, hey, is it true that Carter and them are hogging your house?” Tiffany snickered.
“Yeah, like they’re freaking attached to the living room,” I scoffed.
“How are they?” Miranda suddenly asked as she turned the volume down of the TV.
“Err…they’re all right,” I mumbled, yet Melissa and Miranda didn’t seem convinced as I sighed. “I’m not on good terms with them. Levi keeps blaming Benny for everything.”
“Because he knows he can’t control you anymore. That you have someone else that they don’t like,” Miranda said.
“What do you mean by them?” I asked.
“Levi and Blake. You can see on their faces that they hate Benny but won’t do anything…not yet.”
“What does this have to do with Blake?”
“Oh my god, girl,” Melissa said as she looked at Miranda and me.
“They’re selfish and think they can get anything they want. Levi’s a dick, Lana. He’ll just keep on ruining you and make you feel like shit.” Miranda raised her voice.
“No, he’s not!” I snapped. “Deep down he still feels guilty and ruined. He’s a cocky bastard, but he cares. I know he does.”
“No, you care!” Miranda exclaimed as she stood up. “He sees that you’re doing fine without him, so they’re trying to mess with you. To fuck with your feelings!”
“Yet on the first day of the bet, you loved Blake and me. So freaking goals! Now, you hate both of them.”
“That’s before he got you back on smoking! Before he brought the old fucking Lana back, which Levi created!” She pointed her index finger at me. “Yet the new one made a promise not to bring the old Lana back! You broke our promise, Lana. You said you wouldn’t get addicted again, but you fucking did!”
“It’s not that fucking easy when you’re going through so much shit!” I shouted and pushed her finger away. Miranda let out a pathetic laugh as she tugged on her hair.
“Stop being so self-centered!” she yelled. “The people around you are being affected too! They’re going through their own shit! Mom isn’t even at a friend’s house; she’s probably at a fucking bar hoping the guy who loved and abandoned us fifteen years ago will come back!”
Everything went quiet after that. I stared at Miranda with drained eyes as I thought of her and her mom. I knew Miss Stevens went through a tough time, but I didn’t realize that it got worse. Miranda barely spoke about her mom.
“Miranda, I—” She cut me off as she raised her arms. We watched as she spun around and walked upstairs.
“Give her some time,” Melissa mumbled as I stepped forward. A door slammed shut, which echoed through the house, and I couldn’t help but think of earlier today.
Miranda didn’t come out of her room the rest of the night even though I knocked multiple times. The rest of us decided to sleep on the sofa after we watched movies. I walked into the kitchen and turned on the light. I squinted and noticed that it was three in the morning. I was thirsty, so I poured myself water.
Out the corner of my eye, I saw Melissa walk in. She wrapped herself in her gown as she squinted at me. I gave Melissa a sleepy smile as she went for a drink too. She leaned against the counter and drank her water. I set my empty glass on the table, then turned to her. She raised a brow at me as I bit the inside of my cheek.
“Do you think I’m a whore?” I blurted out as her eyes widened.
“No, you’re just surrounded by horny bastards who are selfish. They do things to put you under pressure,” she said and sat beside me. “In the end, they want you to choose…”
I didn’t know what to say, so I played with the glass. Melissa finished hers and set it on the table.
“Why does Miranda hate Levi?” she asked.
“Long story.” I laughed.
“I love stories.” She smiled. I let out a sigh as I tried to recall the memories from the previous years.
“Levi just turned seventeen and spent it here. All his friends came over, and they left around midnight. The next few nights were the same, so I decided to follow him since he’d sneak out. That’s when he started racing,” I began. “Ever since that night…my life changed. He told me to live a little since my head was always in my books. I trusted him, so I agreed to race with him. It was honestly so much fun, and I felt free. We went home and got busted. I had to make up a lie on the spot so we weren’t grounded.
“As each night passed, the lies got bigger. I still remember going to this party with him and having my first drink. It was only a sip of Levi’s, though. Keene offered me a cigarette, but I kindly declined, saying alcohol was enough for the night. I still remember making a bucket list with Levi when we were young. One of the things he put on it was smoke a cigarette because we saw Mr. Bronx smoking and we were intrigued.
“The thing I liked about it all was that Levi didn’t tell me to change my appearance. I still wore my big glasses and oversized cardigans. He said, ‘We’re showing the world what a nerd can do,’ but I wanted to change. I told him, and he took me shopping and bought me a whole new wardrobe with clothes that I was comfortable in.”
“So that explains your glow up in junior year,” Melissa joked as she nudged my shoulder.
“Finals came, and I sunk into my books again. The old Lana only came out when Levi was here. I couldn’t focus, and I was stressing out a lot. Keene knew this guy who could help, and how fucking ironic that it was Parker,” I mumbled. “Yet he only gave me one bottle. When Levi left, I didn’t have any more, but he left me something.”
“Ooh, what was it?” Melissa asked as she stared at me.
“Cigarettes. Somehow, they helped me when I didn’t have the pills. Levi said he was sad that he couldn’t see my first drag. Yet Miranda wasn’t very impressed when she caught me in the back of school before our History final,” I mumbled. “She hated that he was trying to change me and that he was a bad influence, but I wanted to change. I wanted to take risks.
“Then summer break of 2015, h
e said that we’re going to finish the bucket list. We tried to by going skinny dipping, street racing, threw a TV out the window at a party, road trip to California, and even took a picture with a snake. We did all the crazy stuff in California. We were inseparable. He was the risk taker, and I was the excuse maker. After we came back, I’d tell our parents an excuse for coming home so late, and sometimes it would work.”
“Wow, so you were his good girl, and he was your bad boy.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“So when you made a bet, it was all an act because you did half of the stuff already?”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to mix with another group of bad boys and leave with the same result, but I guess things didn’t go as planned.” I mumbled the last the part.
“What did you guys do in Summer 2015 before Levi left?” she asked.
“Miranda, Keene, Levi, and I went to a party. This guy Jaden hosted it, and his parties are wild,” I mumbled. “That was the night I lost my virginity to Levi. Next day I woke up and he was gone. End of the story—”
“Wait…you said you tried to finish the bucket list. What was left?” Melissa asked as I let out a dry laugh.
“Quite a few. Levi is a person who doesn’t believe in love. He specifically wrote Do not fall in love…I could never ever tick it.”
“Now I know why Miranda hates him. He left you right after he took your v-card, but you couldn’t tick it bec—”
“I fell in love with him,” I whispered. “In a way, I let him control me. We used to fight, but I forgave him easily because I didn’t want to lose him. He wasn’t even mine in the first place.”
“Did you ever tell him?” Melissa asked as she gently placed her hand on my knee for comfort.
“Yeah, and the worst part is he said it back, but not in the way I said it to him.”
“Do you still love h—”
“What are you guys doing up so late?” Miranda’s voice echoed through the kitchen as she cut off Melissa.
“Should be asking you the same thing.” Melissa gestured to Miranda’s attire. She was dressed in a gray coat, jeans, and Converse. Car keys dangled in her hands as she tugged on her beanie.
