by Raathi Chota
“Are you going to work?”
“Oh yes, I am. Sorry, honey, I know your father said that I shouldn’t leave you alone at home, but this is really urgent. You can call the girls over and have a sleepover.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I gotta go. See you later,” she said, then kissed my cheek. When I heard the front door shut, I walked to my closet and took out comfy clothing. My ringtone played, and I walked to my desk to see that Benny called. I was taken back and stared at my phone as it played “Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance. It stopped for a second, then rang again. I huffed, then answered my phone.
“What do you—”
“Lana?” Sam’s voice filled the phone as I raised a brow.
“Sam? Wha-What are you doing with Benny’s phone?”
“He’s sleeping right now, but I just…please come back. There was this girl who came over last week, and it was so weird because she wasn’t you.” I immediately thought of Britney.
“Sam, I—”
“My brother misses you so much, Lana. Last night he never came down for dinner, and when I went to go check up on him, he was locked in the bathroom,” Sam whispered as my lips parted. “My brother always locked himself in that bathroom for years, but then you came, and he was happy. We all were. Now we’re worried about him again.” He paused. “Please, Lana, I’ve never seen him so happy with someone before. I don’t like seeing my big brother miserable and always blaming himself. I don’t like standing by the door and hearing his cries.” My eyes glistened. I sniffled, then heard someone in the background.
“Sam? What are you doing with my phone?”
My eyes widened as I heard Sam run. Suddenly the other side of the call went silent as I bit my lip then asked, “Sam, are you there?”
“Lana?” Benny’s deep voice made me freeze.
“H-hi,” I breathed out.
“Did you get my gift?” he asked as I stood in front of a window and looked at the sunset.
“Yeah, thanks, but you really have to stop, Benny. I really appreciate it, bu—”
“I won’t stop until you forgive me. Until we’re okay.” He cut me off as I sighed.
“I forgive you, but I just…” I trailed off.
“Then what’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong, and I can help. Are you home? Should I come over?”
“No, no I-I have to go,” I said, then ended the call. I ran a hand through my hair as I entered the bathroom. The bags under my eyes got worse, and my lips were chapped. Blake managed to find the pills I hid in my jeans pocket, but he didn’t see the one inside my jacket pocket. I took it, then drank water and swallowed it. I looked at myself again because I wasn’t in the mood for a dumb sleepover. I needed something to take the pain away. Before I showered, I made sure the front door was locked and the alarm was turned on. There was a feature where I put the alarm on for the doors and windows.
***
After I showered, I got bored and sat on the floor in the hallway with a cigarette between my lips. Uncle Griff and Dad’s favorite whiskey bottle sat on my left and Dad’s revolver on my right while music blared throughout the house. I had to be alert because James could appear any second. I had to be prepared, even though I deserved it. I crushed the cigarette in the ashtray and took a swig of the whiskey. The alcohol burned my throat, and I scrunched my nose and gagged. My gag turned to laughter as I thought of myself. It was my fault. None of my friends deserved it. I couldn’t be a burden to them all the time and let them fix my problems. If I didn’t run off at Homecoming, none of this would have happened. If I didn’t accept that stupid bet, none of this would have happened. I took another sip and laughed as Levi flooded my mind. If he didn’t leave me the first time without an explanation, Parker wouldn’t have happened. The cigarettes, tablets, and rape wouldn’t have happened if Levi stayed in touch.
“Why do you always do this to me, Levi Ramone Radcliff?” I yelled at the top of my lungs, then laughed. “Fuck my life.” I put the bottle on the floor. As I smoked another cigarette, I took my phone and scrolled through my songs. I flinched when I heard loud knocks on the front door. I decreased the volume, put out the cigarette, then grabbed the bottle and pistol.
“Lana, open the door!” Miranda yelled, and I laughed, then put the gun on the coffee table in the living room. I turned up the music again, and “Drown” by Bring Me the Horizon began playing.
“Willson, don’t you fucking dare!!”
I recognized the voice as Blake. I walked to the curtain and peeked through it. My eyes widened to see Miranda, Melissa, Tiffany, Aidan, Marcus, Carter, Ethan, Keene, and Axel on my porch.
“I know you got more of those fucking pills!”
I backed away from the window and drank the last remains of the liquid. As my friends shouted at me, tears filled my eyes. I thought they got the message that I wanted to be alone; I didn’t want them to pity me. I turned the music off as my eyes welled up. My phone rang, and I glanced down to see Miranda’s name. I took a deep breath, then answered the call.
“Lana, open the door right now. Your mom sent us to check up on you,” Miranda stated calmly.
“I’m okay, Miranda. You’re so sweet for always caring,” I slurred as I walked around the coffee table. “But I just need to be alone, y’know.’”
“No! You need us! We can help you!” she exclaimed as I laughed.
“Thanks for the generosity, but you all have done so much for me. I can’t do this to you guys anymore!” I cried, then stomped my foot.
“Lana, what are you talking about? You’ve been there for us. Now we’re here for you,” Aidan said.
“Stop it! Just go! All of you go have fun and stop fucking worrying about me. Just for one night don’t worry about Lana Willson, the depressed freak who smokes, drinks, takes pills, and lies just so that people won’t get hurt,” I said, then threw the bottle across the room. It made a shattering noise, but I didn’t care as I looked down at the coffee table.
“Lana, the fuck was that? Let us in!” Keene yelled.
“Just go. You’re waking up the neighbors,” I said as my fingers grazed over the curtains.
“Screw them! We want to help you!”
I yanked on the curtain and pulled it open. Since it was a big window, I got most of the porch view. Everyone stood there shocked. My head ached, and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Benny appeared. Tears ran down my cheek as I slowly picked up the pistol. My hands trembled as I held the phone and twirled the pistol in my hand. Their eyes widened as they yelled at me. They even banged on the window and door.
“Lana, don’t do this, please! Put it down!” Melissa cried, and I watched as she collapsed into Nick’s arms.
“It will get you all to stop worrying. You can all be happy without me causing trouble. The killer will be gone.” I whispered the last part with a smile as I stood right in front of the window. I put the pistol against my temple and looked at Benny. His eyes were wet from the tears as he pressed his forehead against the window. He put his hand beside the window, and I stared at it. While Keene yelled at me through the phone, I dropped the pistol and put my hand against the window too. His mouth pulled up into a sad smile as he apologized. I shook my head, then told him that I was sorry. I backed away and slowly closed the curtains. “Please go. I won’t do it,” I whispered as I picked up the pistol.
“Lana, please, you’re my best friend. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Miranda cried.
“Put me on speaker,” I said as I twirled the pistol with my index finger. “Please everyone, I appreciate that you took time out of your Saturday night to check up on me, and as you just saw, I’m doing quite well. Go do something fun and imagine, just for tonight, that I don’t exis—”
“Pumpkin, don’t say that. Everything’s better with you.”
I closed my eyes and tried to remain calm while I blocked out their protests. The porch light was on, and I saw their shadows tower over me.
“I’
ll see you on Monday,” I whispered.
“Lana fucking Jane Willson, I will break this door down!” Blake shouted as my jaw clenched.
“You break that door down, the alarm goes off, and I am not going to put in that pin,” I stated as I looked directly at Blake’s shadow.
“Lana, please,” Benny mumbled, and I heard the worry in his voice.
“Lana, I am going to kick this fucking door down!” Blake repeated.
“I dare you, I fucking dare you, Blake Gunner! Kick it down, come inside and use me just like you do everyone else!” I exclaimed and pointed at his shadow with the gun.
“Princess?”
My eyes widened as my breath quickened again. None of the shadows moved as I laughed.
“No, no, no. I’m losing it. I’m going fucking crazy!” I yelled, then ended the call. My mind played tricks on me; the voices in my head told me what a killer I was, that I should play James’s stupid game. When I looked at the curtain, I saw more shadows. I peeked through to see Miranda yell at Blake while the rest tried to get in. My phone rang, and I spun around to see Levi’s name. I slowly approached the coffee table and picked it up. I answered the call, then put the phone against my ear. The only clear thing was his heavy breathing. “L-Levi,” I croaked out as tears ran down my cheeks.
“Princess…Axel just texted me. Don’t do this. Please, open the door for them.” Levi spoke in a neutral tone as I fought back the tears.
“I-I can’t. I can’t, Levi, I’m scared…you said you’d be my knight in shining armor,” I whispered as I walked out of the living room.
“I am, princess. What happened? Who are you scared of?”
“I’ve done something terrible…”
“Shh. Listen to me. He also told me you have a gun with you. Please put it back,” he whispered as I looked down at the pistol. I bit my lip because I almost did it, in front of Benny. “Princess, please.”
“Okay,” I said, then walked down the hall. I quickly put it in Dad’s drawer, then closed the door.
“Good. Now we’re just gonna talk, okay?” Levi asked as I leaned against the wall and sank down in the same spot that I was in before.
“Talk? Levi, I need you, and you keep leaving me. Why can’t you ever stay?” I croaked out and remembered the times I cried myself to sleep because of him.
“It’s complicated, princess, but do you remember what happened after we had sex in my car?” he asked calmly as I wiped my tears away.
“N-not really…”
“It’s okay. Tell me what you do remember,” he said, and I tried so hard to remember because I had a few drinks.
“After the party, we took a drive…downtown,” I began and stared at the wall opposite me to try and visualize the memory.
“Yeah,” he whispered, and my eyes closed as I remembered.
“A-and not just a drive but a r—race,” I said, then squinted my eyes, trying to remember.
“Yeah,” he mumbled as my jaw dropped. I covered my mouth as everything came back. The lights, fast cars, the bad side of downtown and the traffic light.
“Oh my god. I drove with you, and w—we had an accident.” I sobbed.
“We did,” Levi responded casually, then sighed as I cried again.
“You promised that it was safe, and you promised that you wouldn’t leave my side, but when I woke up in the hospital, you were gone!” I scolded as it all made sense that Mom and Jade didn’t want us to go to Benny’s party alone.
“I know, and I am so sorry, princess.”
“Why do you always leave?”
“I don’t know, but my intention is to always come back and see you.”
“I miss you so much, Levi.”
“I miss you too, princess. Now let them in. Let them help you. What’s the pin?”
“Two, seven…three and nine.” I sighed in relief that he’d call.
“Thank you, princess, love you, and I’ll see you this summer, okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered as he ended the call. “I love you too.”
The alarm went off, and I turned my head to see the door open. Blake put the pin in as Miranda ran over to me. She sat next to me while everyone ran in. She pulled me into her chest, and we cried. Ethan was to my right as he picked up the ashtray. Melissa towered over me, and I noticed her eyes were glossy.
“I’m sorry for being a horrible friend,” I whispered.
“You’re not our friend,” she stated. “You’re like a sister to us.”
I gave a weak smile, then looked up to see Benny and Blake behind her. They stared down at me with unreadable expressions. I shamelessly looked away and tried to get up. My head spun as the sweat ran down my forehead.
“Please don’t scare us like that again,” Tiffany mumbled with a worried look.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, then leaned against the wall.
“It’s not your fault, pumpkin,” Axel said as he crouched down and picked me up. “Let’s go get you cleaned up.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck as he walked up the stairs. I heard their whispers and looked over my shoulder to see Nick and Marcus cleaning up the broken glass. We entered my room, and Axel walked into the bathroom. He sat me down on the toilet lid, and I turned to the sink. Axel crouched down so that we were eye level. My eyes suddenly dropped, and he cupped my cheeks.
“Whoa, stay with me, pumpkin. I know it’s been a long day, but just stay with me,” he said as my lashes fluttered. “This needs to come off,” he said and tugged on my thick hoodie. I exhaled loudly, then raised my arms. I felt his fingers brush against my hips as he pulled the hoodie off and left me in my red tank top and pajama shorts. “Momma went through something similar when Dad died. I always used to help her like this,” Axel said, then put a lock of hair behind my ear.
“Why can’t Blake be like you?” I blurted out, then poked his nose.
“I get asked that a lot,” he joked as I considered his brown eyes. “My brother can be an emotionless prick sometimes. That’s because he isn’t used to feelings; he doesn’t know how to deal with them.” He sat cross-legged on the bathroom rug. “Last time he faced a lot of emotions at once was when our dad, Damian Gunner, died. I had to play the big brother role for him and Momma,” he mumbled, then looked down. “I had to be strong for them.”
“Wasn’t anyone there for you?” I frowned.
“Not really. My uncle’s an alcoholic, and he doesn’t care about us. Like Blake told you, he took our dad’s motor shop and kicked us out of the house,” Axel replied. “In this situation, he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He can’t control what comes out of him. That’s us Gunners.”
“Ugh, this is all my fault,” I sighed as Axel’s brows snapped together.
“No, it’s not. The day I met Levi, it became my fault,” he said as I gave him a questioning look. He glanced over his shoulder, and I followed his gaze to see Tiffany enter the bathroom with a glass of water. Axel got up and walked to the sink while she stood in front of me. I gave her a small smile, then drank the water.
“Aidan told me how all of them slept here last year and how they each took turns to stay up. I guess we’re doing it again,” she said as I watched Axel walk out of the room. “Liam and Aidan also figured out the security system, so you don’t have to worry about us sleeping downstairs.”
“Thank you. The blankets and extra pillows are in the guest room closet,” I said as we walked out of the bathroom. She nodded, then walked out of my room. I turned my head to see Axel open my bed, then fluff out my pillows. A smile crept up my face because he used to do this for his mother. He spun around, and I noticed a white tee over his shoulder.
“Oh hey. I just found this big shirt in your closet for you to wear. Nice and big, so you won’t get too hot when you sleep.” He handed the shirt to me.
“This is Levi’s,” I mumbled as I stared at the soft cotton shirt.
“Oh sorry. Should I take ano—”
“No, it’s okay,” I said, then
put it on. I flicked my hair over my shoulder then looked at Axel. He moved to the side and pointed to the bed. “Thank you,” I mumbled, then slowly got in. Once I was settled, I looked up at Axel. “You don’t have to be here.”
“Pumpkin, it’s fine. Besides, teenagers are entertaining as hell.” He laughed, then kissed my forehead. I smiled, then watched as he walked out of the room. Aidan and Liam walked in with nervous looks while Keene trailed behind.
“Hi, guys,” I murmured as Aidan and Liam stood right in front of my bed.
“Hey, Lana, we got this for you,” Liam said as he gave me a flower, which was from one of the vases downstairs.
“This is from one of my mother’s vases,” I pointed out.
“We know, we just wanted an excuse to see you because they didn’t want us to come up here.” Aidan shrugged as Liam scoffed.
“Yeah, they thought we’d interrupt you by being too loud!” Liam exclaimed as he lifted his hands and laughed.
“I know, right!” Aidan stated.
“Well, thank you, Aidan and Liam. This is very nice.” I inhaled the smell of the daisy.
“No problem, Lana. Group hug!” Liam said, then lifted me up and wrapped his arms around me. Over his shoulder, I saw Aidan drag Keene toward us. Aidan pushed Keene onto Liam’s back while Aidan was behind him. I laughed as Keene cussed the two for being weird.
“Okay. Well, goodnight, Lana. We’ll be downstairs if you need us,” Aidan said as they pulled away.
“Do you guys have some clothing or—?”
“Yeah, we’re good.” Aidan waved off as he swung his arm around Liam’s shoulder. Keene and I watched as the two walked out of my bedroom.
“Dude, please do not tell me you have your nightgown with you,” Liam said as looked at Aidan.
“What about your choo-choo pajamas?” Aidan asked.
“Touché, brother,” Liam’s voice trailed off as he closed the door. I glanced up at Keene and noticed his stare. I awkwardly looked away, then pulled the duvet over me. He took his shoes off and opened the side of the bed. My eyebrows rose as he got in next to me.
