by Jenna Harte
"Sure thing." He then surprised her by giving her a sensual, albeit quick, kiss before heading out.
While she worked, she focused on her patients, but when she had down time, thoughts of Mitch flashed through her mind. She was sure her cheeks reddened at the memory of all the things he’d done to her and she’d done to him. It was difficult to think two people could do the things they did without any emotional connection. At least she couldn’t.
Mitch wasn’t the same man. He clearly hadn’t forgiven himself for being alive when Brian was dead. For not defending the innocent men, women, and children who had been ruthlessly murdered by his squad. Broken was how Lexie described it. Lexie also hoped Sydney could fix him. But Sydney didn’t know how, except to love him, which he was adamant she couldn’t do. And there was no guarantee her love could help him. Mitch would never forget his experiences; they’d always be a part of him. As a result, he was determined to keep love and trust out of his relationships.
Sydney pushed away those thoughts as she opened the door to Jenny’s room during her lunch break.
“Hey, you up for a visitor?”
“Oh, thank God. I think I might just die. You have no idea how boring hospitals are.”
Sydney did, of course, because she’d done her own stint when she’d been attacked. Why Jenny didn’t blame her for her current situation, she didn’t know. “I brought you some magazines.”
Jenny’s nose scrunched. “Journals?”
Sydney laughed. “No. I’m told you like entertainment magazines, so I got you a few of those.”
“Not that I don’t want to advance my career, but I might poke my eye out with this fork if all I had to read was medical journals.” Jenny waved the fork she’d been using to eat some sort of mystery meat.
“I don’t blame you.” Sydney set the magazines on the hospital over tray. “How are you feeling?”
“Bored.” She laughed. “But it’s better than annoyed, which is what I feel with Kevin hovering over me like a mother hen. Great day, I love that man, but if he coddles me anymore, I might use this fork on him.”
“Boredom and annoyance are good signs of recovery.”
“Then I must be completely healed and then some.”
“I want to tell you again, how sorry I am—”
“Stop. This isn’t your fault. You need to stop saying it is.”
“Sorry.” Sydney gave her an apologetic smile.
“You know… if you really want to make it up to me, you can give me the inside scoop on you and Mitch.” Jenny waggled her brows.
Sydney’s cheeks heated. “I’m not any different than the other women coming and going in his life.” The idea that she really was a notch hurt, even though she’d gone into this affair with her eyes open.
Jenny frowned. “No. You’re not.” She took Sydney’s hand and squeezed. She thought Jenny would press, but instead, she shrugged.
“Do you read?”
“Sure.”
“I mean something other than medical journals. Do you read books?” Jenny reached over to the table beside her bed and picked up a well-read leather-bound book.
“I used to.”
Jenny handed Sydney the book. “It’s Jane Austen. Not Pride and Prejudice, which is good, but this one is better.”
Sydney read the title: Persuasion.
“It’s all about a second chance at love.”
Sydney’s gaze went right to Jenny.
“I know who you are… I mean, you’re the one that broke Mitch’s heart. I couldn’t believe it when I realized it. I wanted to hate you for it, because liking you would be disloyal to Mitch. But, I can’t help but like you. And I’ve been around enough to know there are two sides to every story. You may have hurt him, but my guess is, it wasn’t your intention.”
“No.”
“You and Mitch are like Anne and Wentworth.”
“Wentworth forgave Anne. Pursued her even.”
Jenny’s eyes widened. “You have read it. Didn’t you just swoon over Wentworth’s letter?”
The mention of letters made her think of Mitch’s letters her mother promised to send her. She’d need to make a stop at home to check her mail. “You pierce my soul.”
“Oh, yes.” Jenny’s face turned dreamy. “I love Kevin, but he never talks like that.”
“Most people don’t these days.”
“They probably didn’t then either. But, in the story, Wentworth pretended to not know her and then he ignored her. He even showed attention to Louisa.”
“True, but then he forgave her. Mitch won’t forgive me.” Or maybe he would, but that didn’t change his stance on love and commitment, which she now understood was mostly a result of the betrayal and loss he experienced in the military.
“Mitch isn’t quite the hound dog people make him out to be. He hasn’t been with anyone in a long time. I see the way he is when he’s with you. I think he’s pursuing you.”
“No, he’s not.”
“You’re living in his home.”
“That’s just to protect me.”
Jenny rolled her eyes. “Really? You think it’s standard practice for detectives to bring people under protection into their homes?”
“No.”
Jenny’s vehement hope for true love for Mitch warmed Sydney.
“We have a history, so it makes sense he’d offer to protect me. But it’s not what you think.”
“What about you? Do you want more? I see how you look at him too.”
Sydney shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Jenny let out an exasperated grown. “Why do people make life so hard?”
Sydney knew it was a rhetorical question but responded anyway. “Life is complicated. Mitch and I aren’t the same people we were back then. Our lives and goals are different.”
“Blah, blah, blah. It’s only complicated because y’all are too chicken to say what you feel and trust each other.”
Sydney considered telling Jenny she’d be happy to share her feelings, except she knew she’d be rebuffed. She wasn’t even sure what her feelings were, but she knew it was more than casual. But casual was what she’d agreed to, and she couldn’t change the rules now.
“Now I know Mitch is the worst at that. Some people blame you. Some blame the loss of his friend Brian. Has he told you about Brian?”
Sydney nodded.
Jenny’s eyes narrowed in question. “What did he say? No… no, I know you can’t tell me. But I think it’s more than Brian’s death. But Mitch, he doesn’t talk about it.”
Did that mean Mitch hadn’t told anyone about the circumstances that killed Brian? The betrayal by his sergeant? When she came out of her thoughts, Jenny was staring at her.
“He told you, didn’t he? All of it.”
Sydney swallowed. She couldn’t know for sure, and it wasn’t right to compare stories about something so personal to Mitch. At the same time, surely he’d told someone besides her, even if he kept the rest of the town in the dark about it.
“That’s trust.” Jenny smiled. “There’s hope for him yet, if you’re patient enough to wait for him.”
Sydney sighed. “Life isn’t a Jane Austen novel.”
“Sure it is. I knew the moment I saw Kevin he was the one for me. I hadn’t even met him yet. He knew too. The difference between us and most other people is we weren’t afraid to ride that wave of emotion. It was scary but, God, what a ride. We’re still riding it, but it’s not scary now. Now it’s just…” Her eyes turned dreamy. “Perfect.”
There was a time when Sydney had thought the same of her and Mitch. When they were young, and not jaded by the hardships of the world, they’d shared everything, all of their hopes, dreams, and fears. From the moment they’d confessed their love, they never held anything back. That was why she’d been so shocked at his reaction to her postponing the wedding. Not that he would have agreed necessarily, but to simply tell her their relationship was done — the dreams were gone — that had come out of lef
t field.
“Tell me how you met.”
Sydney smiled as the sweet memories came back to her. “I was a sheltered, shy, timid girl in my first year of college. I’d gone to a party because I really wanted to make friends and live a little, you know?”
Jenny nodded. “I nearly flunked out of my first year of college for living a little.”
“Well, I didn’t quite take it that far and, in fact, I really wasn’t very good at it. I didn’t realize until Mitch explained to me later that people thought I was conceited. I had money and a ‘way’ about me.”
“But you were just shy?”
“Right. I remember sitting all by myself, feeling like a fool, when I noticed Mitch standing several feet away. Mitch was watching me, and I felt it… you know. Like his gaze was actually touching me.”
“Oooo… I love that.”
“Anyway, Mitch was talking to some guy and I suspected it was about me, which made me even more self-conscious. The other guy put a hand on Mitch’s shoulder and motioned to a group of girls dancing and drinking on the other side of the room. But Mitch shrugged off his hand and walked over to me.”
“I can see it. Mitch is something when he’s got his swagger on.”
Sydney laughed at the image, but Jenny wasn’t wrong. “He started talking to me and that was it.”
“See. It doesn’t take much to know.”
Sydney sighed. “Yes, but we were young and still very innocent about the real ways of the world. Maybe if we’d stayed together we’d have made it, maybe not. But since we’ve been apart, we’ve changed, and those two kids are gone.”
“That’s a bunch of malarkey. People don’t change, not deep down in their soul. Sure they may act different, but who you are, who Mitch is, that’s the same.”
Sydney shook her head lightly. “Even so, Mitch and I have different goals. Same or not, our lives don’t fit together anymore.”
“Is that why you’re sleeping with him? Because you don’t fit?”
How’d she know? Sydney felt her cheeks heat.
Jenny smirked. “Girl, no one can hide sex glow. Not Mitch and not you.”
Mitch had sex glow? She brought her hands to her face, wondering if they still had sex glow.
Jenny laughed. “A woman can tell these things. Especially one with nothing better to do because she’s bedridden.”
“Did you ask him about his sex glow?” Sydney was suddenly curious at the prospect.
“Well, of course I did, honey. But you know men. They act like they don’t know what sex is when it comes up in conversation. But he never denied it, just like you haven’t, so I know my sex-radar is as good as ever.”
“Yes, well…” Sydney trailed off.
“So, is he as good as they say?”
Jenny was her friend, pretty much her only friend in Charlotte Tavern, and every woman needs a girlfriend to confide in. And because Sydney did, she said, “He’s better.”
“So, is she right?” Kevin hefted a hip on the edge of the desk where Mitch had spent the morning dealing with his current caseload, with a particular focus on Jenny’s attack and Sydney’s stalker.
“Is who right about what?” Mitch looked at Kevin. Based on Jenny’s grumbling about Kevin hovering over her bedside that morning, he wasn’t surprised to see Kevin back at work.
“Jenny and the sex glow.”
Mitch smirked. Why did people care so much about his sex life? “Seriously? You’re asking me about that?”
“She’s always right, you know.”
“Then why are you asking?”
Kevin shrugged. “Just hassling you.”
“Maybe we can work on Jen’s case instead.”
Kevin nodded, his amused expression turning serious. “Jesus, Mitch, I’ve never been so damn scared in my life.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
If there was one thing Mitch knew, it was fear. In a war zone, fear became as common as breathing. “I know all about fear.”
“I don’t mean for your own life, but in losing someone who completes your life.”
Mitch supposed it was his own fault people didn’t think he had attachments to people. And maybe the attachments he had were different from Kevin and Jenny’s. But that didn’t mean loss wouldn’t alter his life, because it already had. The guilt at not having stopped Brian from entering the building despite the fact that his instinct told him it wasn’t safe. Not being able to save him. Just sitting with him as his life slowly drained out. He hadn’t called for help. He wasn’t a medic, but he was certain Brian’s injuries weren’t survivable. But that wasn’t why he hadn’t called for help. It was because he was a coward. Because he believed his sergeant and men in his squad had set up the bomb and sent him and Brian in, while the rest of them remained a safe distance away, “checking the parameter.”
He’d heard them leave after the explosion. They didn’t know Mitch wasn’t in the building when it went off and didn’t check to make sure both he and Brian were dead.
Many nights, Mitch lay in bed and wondered if maybe he should have called them back. Not to save Brian, but so they’d kill him. The burden of surviving was sometimes more than Mitch could carry.
“How many more would have been killed had you not lived and been able to testify?” one of his therapists had pointed out. “You’re a hero. The army made right what was wrong, because of you.”
But Mitch didn’t feel like a hero. He didn’t want a medal. If only he’d stuck to the original plan: go to law school and marry Sydney. Except, if he had, maybe Hancock and his gang would have killed more innocent people. Maybe they’d still be killing.
Mitch wished he could make it all disappear. But it was like Sydney said. It stays with you. She was right. The guilt and loss ate at Mitch every day. Activities Mitch and Brian had always done together, like hunting and fishing, Mitch now did alone or with others, which wasn’t the same. And then there was Chelsea, a constant reminder of Mitch’s inability to save Brian. The more Mitch tried to help her, the more inept he felt.
Of course, that wasn’t what Kevin meant. He was talking about losing the love of his life. But Mitch knew that too. Sydney hadn’t died, but she’d been lost to him the minute she let her parents talk her into postponing their wedding. It proved she didn’t have his faith and commitment in the relationship. The loss was that much worse because she was out of his life, not through death, but by choice. No, he knew loss.
Arguing his point to Kevin wouldn’t make a difference, so Mitch didn’t. “We’ll find who did this.”
Before Kevin could respond, another officer called him over. Mitch turned back to his work, reviewing his notes on the interviews with Jagger and Patrick. They were the two best suspects; both with an interest and weak alibis, not just in Charlotte Tavern, but in New York, as well.
Still, the attacker could be Doctor Singer or some yet unknown person. Sometimes stalking victims had no idea who their stalker was. Or it could be someone in her everyday life. That idea sent a shiver down Mitch’s spine. She could be at work, walking the hospital corridors, with a colleague who wanted her dead.
He remembered Sydney’s fear and confusion as she had recounted her story. And how, even so, she kept on living. Hadn’t she said that to him the night before? He admired her ability to forge ahead. She was stronger than he’d given her credit for. Or maybe she’d developed it in the years since they’d been together.
There were many things different about her. She was braver and more assertive. She was less self-conscious and more spontaneous. In bed, she’d been open to his suggestions and even had a few ideas of her own. Just thinking of them had his groin twitching. If there was such a thing as sexual glow, he was certain he could light the city. It had been a long time since he’d enjoyed and been so satiated by sex.
But it wasn’t just the sex. She hadn’t judged him when he shared his story. He still couldn’t believe he’d told her. Only a handful of people knew the details of hi
s experience. Most believed his altered personality was general war fatigue and the loss of Brian, which to Mitch’s mind would have been enough. Something died in him the day Brian was killed. It wasn’t just the grief and guilt, but a trust. He’d come back bitter and angry, wanting to keep the world away. And he’d done a good job of it until Sydney.
The image of her in his shirt came back to him now, her bright hazel eyes looking at him with a mixture of sadness and… could it have been love?
Mitch rubbed his hands over his face. She couldn’t love him. Not after how he’d treated her. Not when he’d been adamant any relationship they had would be temporary. But when he’d told her his secret, she’d reached out to him. She’d held him. And it had soothed him. That she was able to make his hurt and grief subside scared the hell out of him much more than the intimacy of sex. It was harder than people knew to build and sustain the walls to keep others out. And with one loving look in her eyes, one soothing hug and, yes, sex that pushed the demons away, she’d left him raw and vulnerable. And more than anything, he wanted more. But as soon as he allowed himself to feel more for Sydney, his fear reminded him what was at stake. It wasn’t a matter of if she left him again but when. Her job here was temporary, and she was with him now only because she needed protection. While she cared for him, she’d embraced a simple affair. So he pushed aside any thought of pursuing something more with her.
He opened her file, found Fletcher’s number, and called. The most important task he had now was to keep her safe and find out who wanted to hurt her. Whether she was in his life or not, Kevin had been right about one thing: If something happened to Sydney, it would be like losing a piece of himself.
