by S. Moose
Me: Haha will do
“Do you want to go out tonight?” I ask her, knowing she’ll say no. “Joe texted me and said the girls want to see you. I think it’s a good idea. End of the summer get together. We don’t have to stay out long and I promise I won’t get drunk. They want you to be there, too.”
She pops out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in her mouth and her hair in a wild bun on top of her head. Bayleigh looks at me, then the floor and back again to me.
After turning back to go into the bathroom, she comes out again and plops on the bed. Instead of answering my question, she grabs her phone and does whatever it is she’s doing. Probably texting Mandy and getting advice.
“You haven’t been out in a while. You should do something fun. Going out is fun.” She doesn’t answer. “I think Cherie’s going to be out and a few other girls from high school. You know I saw Cherie when I was out last time. We talked a little.” I see her grip tighten on her phone and I know I’m pushing a lot of buttons right now. “Maybe I’ll see if she’s down to hang out.”
She seems pissed that I’m asking her to go out and talking about other girls. I know it’s a low blow, but she wants to be friends and push me away, so this is what I have to do. I ignore the scowl on her face. She wants to be friends and friends go out. I like staying in with her and watching movies or whatever, but going out seems like a good idea too.
“Or, you can stay here and do whatever it is you want to do. Alone. Because I want to go out.”
“Well, as long as neither of us gets drunk. Then,” she pauses and groans, “fine. Let’s go out tonight. But we’re doing something I want to do now.”
“And what’s that?”
She smiles and tells me to go home and get ready.
Almost ten hours later, we’re back at her house and I’m carrying bags for her. As much as I love her and want to spend time with her, shopping is never a good thing with Bayleigh. Dragging me from one store to another and making me carry bags, then driving to Buffalo and Waterloo nearly killed me.
“Do you really need all of this?” She glares at me.
“Yes,” she nods and tells me to place the bags by her bed. “My mom thinks it’s good for me to get professional clothes and start looking for a job, so I need to be ready.”
“I don’t think potential employers are going to care if you have the latest purse of Michael Kor’s or the season’s must-have heels.”
“What’s your point?” I don’t answer. “Plus, I needed an outfit for tonight.”
“Can we get dinner? We missed lunch and I’m starving.”
“Order pizza,” she says, and empties the bags onto her bed and looks at everything she bought.
“What are you doing?” I ask, looking up the number for Pizza Hut.
She turns and I can see how annoyed she is and honestly, I love it. Annoyed and frustrated Bayleigh is a lot more fun than confused and sad Bayleigh. I’m rolling with this. “Picking out what to wear and getting ready. It does take me a while to do that. Do you need me to write down every step?”
Sassy. Fuck, I’m turned on.
We meet the guys at ONE and I’m about to kill every guy around us. Everyone’s checking her out, even girls, and she’s acting like it’s not happening.
Bayleigh is beyond sexy in her little black dress and black heels. She’s dressed up from head to toe. The dress isn’t tight, but it’s looks incredible on her. She’s showing some skin, and is risking a lot by coming out tonight.
When she walked out of the bathroom, I nearly died right there. The dress showed off her legs and she masked the small amount of her cleavage with a necklace. She looked happy and I wanted to make sure she has a good night.
Finding Joe, Antonio and some of the girls, everyone makes small talk. Asking how we’ve been and what’s new. I stay close to Bayleigh and make sure she doesn’t leave my sight.
“Bayleigh, you look so hot!” Cherie squeals and claps like a freaking walrus. I don’t get why girls get excited and have to talk in high pitched voices.
“Thanks,” she smiles, and carries on a conversation with her old squad.
I order us a round of shots and hand one to Bayleigh. She looks at me with wide eyes and I feel like an asshole for making her come out.
“To a great night,” Libby shouts, raising her shot in the air and we follow suit.
Bayleigh’s eyes don’t leave mine as she takes the shot and places the glass on the bar counter.
“Who wants to dance?” she shouts and the girls scramble to the dance floor.
We follow the girls and I come up behind Bayleigh, placing my hands on her hips, and pull her against me.
“You’re beautiful,” I whisper. She moves with me to the music and wraps her arms around the back of my head. I can’t keep my hands off her. The closer we get, the harder it is to be good.
She turns around to face me with a smirk. Her hands touch my shoulders and run down my body. This is fucking beyond sexy. She looks carefree and happy. Wrapping my arms around her waist and burying my face in her hair, we dance all night and forget about tomorrow.
If I could stay in bed for the rest of my life, I would want that. I’d want to get away from the world and create another one with Tyler. In this world we’d be together, without any pain, and our lives would be perfect. We’d be married and I’d be barefoot and pregnant, walking the beach with the love of my life. It’d be perfect.
This world of ours will be different. It won’t be your typical love story happily ever after. No, we’ll still have arguments and disagreements. He’ll still annoy me and I’ll have my crazy moments. The only thing different in our world is I won’t be a survivor of sexual assault. I’ll be the happy and loving Bayleigh Renee Murphy, living her dream, and giving Tyler Scott her body, heart, and soul without question.
I force my eyes to stay closed. I’m not going to wake up because once I wake up, I have to come to the realization he’s leaving soon and I’m going to say goodbye again. We went a year without seeing each other, and I know it’s my fault. I’m selfish and want the best of both worlds. I’m not sure how to not be selfish. I can’t get enough of Tyler. He’s become my addiction and I’m not ready to let go cold turkey.
Only, I can’t tell him that. I can’t ask anything of him. I lost that right when I let him go. If I tell him I love him and beg him to stay, he’ll expect us to be together and I’m not ready for that. It’ll only cause confusion and anger, and for once, I don’t want to argue with him.
He’s holding me tightly in his arms and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want either of us to wake up and have our hearts torn from the reality that we’ll be facing.
His grip around my body gets tighter and I feel his breathing on my neck. I place my hand on his and the burning flames erupt when I hear his sigh. Relaxation spreads through our bodies and it feels so real and so right. But that’ll disappear when we get out of bed and leave our perfect world. I’ll wake up alone, in a sweat, screaming for someone to help me and he’ll be thousands of miles away.
Who will I run to when I feel sad and alone? Do I have the right to ask him to stay? Or should I ask him if I can come?
Honestly, I’m a little upset he didn’t ask me to. I know that doesn’t make sense and it’s really selfish. I can’t help it. Of course I’d say no, but at least I thought he would ask me.
Silently I groan. As much as I want that to happen, I know it won’t. I’m not ready for that stage. Even what we’re doing right now is wrong. All we’re doing is leading our hearts to a pile of brokenness and sadness because the more we try to make it work, the more we crash and burn. There are still so many things I have to work on and obstacles I have to climb over.
Slowly turning around in his arms, I open my eyes and stare at him for a while. I memorize his face, every line, the way he has a slight smile when he’s sleeping and how peaceful he looks. I’ve never been this happy before now and once he wakes up, that happiness will disappear.
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Resting my head on his chest, I listen to the beating of his heart. Thump, thump, thump and say a silent prayer, begging God to watch over him while he’s in California and asking him to give me the strength I need to find my way again.
Moving my hand up to his face, I trace the lines and absorb the softness of his skin to my fingertips. He’s beautiful. Last night stays on my mind. I’m glad I did something I normally wouldn’t do. Dancing with him and laughing without worrying if I’ll get hurt felt good.
“Good morning,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head. When his eyes meet mine, there’s something different. He seems happier and full of life again; like he should look. There’s no hesitation to his touch or the way he’s looking at me. And I’m letting him.
“Hi. Thanks for convincing me to go out last night. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.”
“Of course I did. All you have to do is ask and tell me what you want. That’s all. And now that you’re up, I think it’s time we head outside. Want to go for a walk?” I sit up, stretching my arms and moaning from the relief of waking up. “Ah, I’m going to change and I’ll be back in twenty, ok?” I nod and walk him to the door.
“See you soon,” I tell him. I head to the bathroom and get ready for the day with Tyler. Seeing myself in the mirror, it hits me that I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me. There’s something about the expression I’m wearing and the emptiness I don’t feel.
Was last night a turning point?
My face heats up thinking about the way we danced last night and how much he made me laugh. At first I was upset that he’d ask me to go out, and then as I was getting ready, it felt good to dress up and not be in yoga pants all day. He’s making me feel good and now I have to say goodbye to him. I won’t be a road block in his life and ask him to stay.
I grip the sink and inhale through my nose and exhale through my lips. I can do this. He needs to do this and I have to be strong. I feel my chest tighten and my breathing becomes fast and unsteady. All I can think about is Tyler in California seeing hot girls in beautiful clothes. He’ll fall for a Kim Kardashian look-alike and have pretty babies. He’ll forget about me.
Not wanting to dwell on the what-ifs, I get dressed and head downstairs. Sitting in the kitchen with a banana and water, I think about how I’m going to spend the last days with him.
A knock breaks me away and I hear the door open. Tyler soon appears and hands me a single yellow rose.
“Thank you,” I take the rose and get up from the barstool. “I’m ready to go.”
“Sounds good.”
Standing beside him, the urge to feel his strong arms around me takes over. Wrapping my arms around him, I breathe him in, hating to admit I’m going to miss this. “You better not fall in love with Cali and move there.”
“Oh yeah and if I do, what’ll happen?”
I laugh and slap his back, “I’ll follow you out there.” Did I just say that? Did those words come out of my mouth? I blush and bury my head in his chest.
“Say you’ll miss me,” he teases me and holds me tighter, resting his head on my head. “Say it.”
“I’ll miss you. So much,” I mumble.
“I wanted to ask you to come with me. But I know you can’t.” I smile and nudge his stomach, taking his hand and walking outside to his car.
We get to the park and start our walk. It’s really nice outside today. There are no clouds and the sun is out. Feeling the warmth on my skin feels good. We walk in silence for a little bit and that’s what I love about Tyler. We can be with each other and not talk for hours and it would still be the best conversation.
I look at him and memorize every line and every expression. Right now, he’s thinking and he’s struggling. This isn’t easy for us.
“So, are you ready for California?”
He looks at me and that struggling expression tugs at my heart. “I don’t want to talk about that. I want to spend the day with you and memorize your smile because that’s what’s keeping me going. Knowing that you’re getting stronger. And you are, Bay. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Ty.”
Part of me wants to cry. I hold it in and enjoy the time we have together. After walking a few miles, we take a break under a tree. We’re lying down, looking at one another, and neither of us knows what to say. He traces small circles on my hand. It’s comforting to have him close to me. Tyler’s the best and always knows what to say.
“You’re beautiful,” his eyes travel from my eyes down my body. My face heats up. I miss that look of want and desire. I want to feel his hands all over my body and the pleasure I know he’ll bring. I’m scared to get to that level with him. What if I freak out and cry? What if it’s too much for me to handle?
Love means showing and expressing, and I can’t give him my body like before.
“I can’t believe how nice it is today.” I have to change the subject so I’m not thinking about sex. “So, how are you feeling?”
“Great. Because of you Bay. These last few days have been fun,” he touches my hand, “seeing you get out of your comfort zone is pretty damn good.”
The only thing I can do is smile. Everything is going well, minus a few arguments. I’m having a good time, and for once I’m not smiling or pretending I’m happy. Right now, I’m in this moment and it’s a good place to be.
“Want to head back and swim at my house?”
“Sure,” I answer, and take his hand, feeling the immediate spark he causes when our skin touches.
When we get back from the park, I rush inside and change into a swimsuit. Standing in front of the mirror, I hold in my breath and look at my reflection. This isn’t going to work. How do I only own bikinis and nothing else? I rummage through my drawers, hoping to find a one piece of something a little more conservative. Maybe I should text him and ask to come and watch a movie. Movies are safe because movies require wearing clothes. Or maybe we can go to the gym and workout. Working out requires clothes too.
Grabbing my phone, I text Mandy and hope she isn’t too drunk to give me some advice.
Mandy: Wear the damn bikini! You look ahhh mazing in almost anything. .Plus it’ll be funny to get him all hot and bothered
Me: You aren’t helping
Mandy: Yes I am. As your best friend I command you to wear a bikini, walk outside, stand up tall and proud and get your tan on. .Just pretend you’re with me in Cabo and we’re sipping on a fruity drink with a straw
Me: That sounds so good right now
Mandy: Shoulda came with us suckaaaaaaa now go! I see a hot boy with an eight pack so peace out sista!
I shake my head and gain the courage I need to walk outside and hang out with Tyler. I mean, my goodness, I can do this. I’ve seen him naked and he’s seen me. It’s not like I have anything to hide.
Grabbing a sun dress, I head downstairs, a little more cautious and when I’m out the door, I think about making up an excuse. It’s been a while since I’ve worn anything this revealing.
“I can do this,” I tell myself over and over again until I’m standing at the gate of his pool. Letting myself in, I grab a towel from the chair and lie down. Putting on my sunglasses, I grab the hem of my dress and hesitate. “Ugh screw it,” I mumble and pull the dress off. I’m not ashamed of my body. I just don’t like to feel practically naked, even if I trust Tyler.
Breathing in and out until I hear the gate, I open my eyes to see a very tan and sexy Tyler walking toward me. Sweet holy hell. No, I won’t drool over him. Oh, who am I kidding! He’s perfect with his tan, abs and what? A cut v line. The gym has been good to him. So very good. Damn him!
“Eyes up here Bay.” He laughs, taking a seat at the end of my chair. His hands find my feet and he massages them, making my body feel like jelly.
“Want to jump in?”
“Huh?” I have to pull myself together and not be mesmerized by his sexy as sin body. Tyler stops massaging and grabs my arms, pulling me forward. We’re face to fa
ce and I can smell his minty breath. “Lets. Swim.” I see his eyes wandering to my boobs. Mental note: must buy a one piece ASAP.
We jump in the pool at the same time and when I come up for air, I see him standing in front of me. His hands rest on my waist and my body tenses.
“I hate how scared you look,” he tells me, “why are you scared of me?”
“I’m not scared of you. It’s hard for me to be this close to anyone. It’s a big step for me to be out here with you. I’m trying, though. You have to give me some credit. We’re together. I’m going out with you and we spend the nights together. That should count for something.”
“I know you are.” He kisses my forehead, “I just hate that look in your eyes. You used to look at me with love and now it’s replaced with fear and hesitation. I wish you’d let yourself be happy.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and push away from him, swimming to a safe corner. It’s overwhelming being here with him, so close and no one else around. I know he won’t hurt me. I’m just scared of being this close to anyone. The way I used to look at him is still on my mind and that’ll never go away.
I’m leaving tomorrow and all I can think about is Bayleigh and being in her arms again. Pushing off my blanket, I rush out of my house and climb the tree to get to her room. Looking back, this tree has a lot of memories. At night, we used to sneak into each other’s rooms and in the morning climb out and back to our room.
All I want to do is talk to her and spend my last night here watching her sleep. A nervous feeling hits me. My stomach is in knots and I think about heading home. I’m not sure if this is a good idea. The word space and leave go through my head.
Opening her bedroom window, I climb in and stand before her. Everything I want is right here. She’s beautiful when she’s sleeping. Her face is peaceful and her long hair fans the pillows under her head. Kneeling down, I kiss her forehead and stare at her.
Getting the courage I need, I climb into bed with her and bring her to my body. “Let me stay,” I tell her.
