by S. Moose
Panic sets in. Chills run down my body. I’m not sure why I need to hold him tighter. This isn’t the Ryan I know. He’s tougher and bit of a badass. Why is he getting emotional?
“Don’t be mad, please?”
“Okay,” I answer, resting my head against his chest, “I’m not mad.”
“Good, because I’m back now and whatever you need, I’m here. I know you’re going through a lot and things are confusing. Just trust me right now.” I look at him, and stare into his eyes. I’m looking for truth and something that will tell me he’s not going to up and leave again. “I want us to spend time together. To get to know each other again. We aren’t the same people we used to be.”
He has no idea what he’s saying and how it’s affecting me. The words sink in and spark something inside. Between getting a job and getting back my best friend, the weight and stress on my chest slowly disappears. Everything happens for a reason and even though my life was thrown offbeat, things are starting to be put back in place.He touches my face with his smooth hand and smiles. “Friends?”
“Friends,” I answer back. Deep down I’m happy he didn’t turn away. If I can be completely honest, I think I’m making a good decision.
Later that night, after dinner with my parents, I head back upstairs to my room and write in my journal.
Do you ever wonder why people come into your life? So Ryan’s back and I don’t know what to feel or think. There’s something different about him. He’s holding something from me and I think it’s something big. He’s been gone for so long and there’s really no reason why he should be here.
Or is there?
I’m not sure if I should tell Tyler. When Ryan left, Tyler told him to never come back. I don’t know what happened between them. I guess I never asked. Maybe now I should and figure out what happened between the two.
The three of us were best friends and now we’re separated.
Before, we used to always be together. When they first moved in, I met Tyler first. He was so cute and it was love at first sight. Then I met Ryan and I fell in love too. But the love I have for the Scott boys are different. I met Tyler first so that tells me something.
I look down at my phone and pick it up. I should tell Tyler his brother is back and when he comes home, to not act like an asshole.
Me: Ryan’s back
Bay: Ryan’s back
Fuck!
I clench my fists and pound the shit out of my pillows. Why the fuck is my brother back? Dialing her number, I get up from my bed and pace the room. He’s back for a reason and it’s not a good one.
“Pick up, Bay. Pick up.”
“Hello?” She sleepily answers.
“Hey! I’m sorry I was out last night and got a little drunk so that’s why I didn’t respond to your text. Did you talk to Ryan?”
“First, you’re up at four in the morning when it’s seven here? I’m not supposed to be up for another fifteen minutes,” I smile, hearing the smile in her voice. She hates my morning wake up calls. “But everything is fine and yes we talked.”
“What did you talk about?”
“I don’t know,” she pauses and I hear her moving, “just things.”
“Tell me.”
“Fine,” she sighs, “Ryan showed up in my room and we went out for sushi. He didn’t tell me much. Honestly, I think the reason he’s here isn’t a good one. He seems hurt and in a lot of pain. I don’t know, Tyler.”
I’m on high alert. I love my brother and will do anything for him. Part of me blames him for that night and I hate the way he is when he’s with her. He was supposed to be with her and not let her out of his sight. I close my eyes and it comes back to me.
I kiss her forehead and smile, “So have fun tonight and don’t leave Ryan’s side.”
“I know,” she smiles and gets on her tippy toes to kiss my lips. “Have fun tonight with Dr. Powers. This dinner is going to take you places. I’m so proud of you, Ty.”
“Thank you,” I smile back, stroking her arms up and down. “I wish you could come with me tonight. I don’t know how I’m supposed to impress him. I mean, one on one time with Dr. Powers means a lot,” I laugh. I’ve been working my ass off for the past few weeks, perfecting my presentation and now here’s my chance. “I want tonight to go perfectly.”
“It will. And when you’re done,” she kisses me again, “you’ll come to the party and meet us. We’ll have celebratory drinks and then,” she leans in and whispers in my ear, “I’ll let you do naughty things to me.”
God, I love this girl. Tonight’s the night I ask her to marry me. We’re going to spend forever together and nothing will change it.
“Oh, I look forward to tonight Miss Murphy.”
“You can count on tonight being the best night ever, Mr. Scott.”
The night was going well until I got the call that the love of my life was in the hospital and my brother up and left.
“Ty, everything is going to be okay. Don’t worry.”
“I worry because it’s you. You know I don’t trust him. Hell, it’s why we haven’t talked in two fucking years. I want you to stay away from him. You can’t trust him.”
“Well, I think I’m capable of making that decision,” I hear the annoyance in her voice and it’s taking so much of me to not fly back to Rochester and kick his ass. “Stop worrying. You have a lot going on in California and you need to focus. Right now, this is your chance to make a difference in your life, so don’t worry about me.”
I pull the phone away from my ear and press it against my forehead. I need to be calm and not freak out because I don’t want to scare her. I don’t trust my brother and there’s nothing she can say to me that’ll make me change my mind.
“I love you, Bay. Promise me you’ll be safe.”
I hear her sigh and sniff back her tears. Fuck, I hate this shit. “I love you too and yes, I’ll be safe,” she softly says, “I’m going to go, okay? It’s been a long few days and I’m tired.”
“Have a good day, Bay.”
“You too, Ty.”
I hang up the phone and annihilate my bed. There’s anger and frustration inside me. Ryan fucking better not touch what’s mine. I can’t help but remember what he told me before that night.
“So you really love her, huh?”
I look at my brother and smile, “Yeah man. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me. I mean, it’s Bayleigh. Everyone knew we’d be together and now we are. There’s nothing that can happen to make me leave.”
Ryan stares at me and gets up from the bed. “Just don’t hurt her, okay?”
“Yeah, of course not. What’s your deal?”
“Nothing okay.”
Then it dawns on me. “You love Bayleigh.” Ryan doesn’t answer. He sits up straighter and looks down. When I think back to all the times we’ve spent together, I realize I’ve been missing all the signs. The looks he gives her and the tenderness he has for her.
“We’re in love with the same girl and she picked you,” he says without emotion to his voice. “She’s yours.”
Don’t go back there, Ty. She loves you, not him. Shaking myself out of my thoughts I make myself get ready for the day. Training goes pretty well. Later that evening the guys want to hit up a bar for happy hour. It’s a nice place and we’re sitting at a high table, drinking beers, and talking about the firm. I feel someone touching my back and turn around to see Anna. The guys eye me with raised brows. I roll my eyes. Her attempts are annoying.
I met Anna when I first started. She was nice at first. We went on two dates, and then she became clingy and wanted more. She knew about Bayleigh and knew more wasn’t an option. After a few talks, she accepted us as friends. Things were fine, then came the I want you’s and let me make you happy. Needless to say, when I left California without saying another word to her, I was hoping that was the last time I saw her. I didn’t think I’d be back and here I am.
And here she is.
“Hey Tyler,” sh
e says, taking my beer and drinking it, still eye fucking me.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing much. Just wanted to join you guys since we’re all going to be working together.”
“Well, sit here,” I get up from the stool and make room for her, “have a great night guys. See you in the morning.” I leave before she can say anything and feel her eyes on my back. I’m not playing these games or using her for mindless sex. To me, sex is about emotion and feeling the other person’s heart with yours. Yeah, I’m a fucking sap and pussy. That’s fine with me. I know I can get girls and I know I can have sex whenever I want. The problem is, I only want to have sex with one girl. She’s going to make me fight for it and that’s okay too.
I head back to the loft and get ready for bed. It’s still pretty early and I’m anxious to talk to Bayleigh. Sliding under the covers, I pull out my phone and text her.
Me: Hey. How was your day?
Bay: Good! Busy day. How are you? Still mad?
Me: Pretty awesome, actually. I like it here. It’s hard adjusting with the time difference lol. I’m glad you had a good day . . . and I’m pissed
Bay: Well, you’re only there for two more weeks so you’ll be fine haha . . . Everything at the firm is going well. I like working for Damon . . . And stop being pissed! For the love of God, he’s your brother . . .
Me: Doesn’t matter. I trusted him to take care of you and he picked random pussy instead
Bay: You can’t live your life blaming him, Ty. Please try and talk to him
I want to ask her to come see me. I begin typing the message and then delete the draft.
Bay: Please?
Me: I’ll think about it if you think about coming to visit me
My chest swells thinking about the possibility of her coming out here to visit me. Baby steps, I tell myself. I’m in love with this girl and it’s the kind of forever people look for. Some find it and some don’t. Well, I have my forever love and I’m going to keep telling myself this is how I have to behave and I have to be patient.
Bay: I’ll think about it. I’m heading to bed. Thank you for texting me
Me: You never have to thank me . . . I like our talks
Bay: LOL. Night Ty
Me: Night Bay
Today’s my day off. I’m awake this morning and feel a little better from last night. There’s no weight on my chest and I’m smiling on my own. Having Ryan back in my life is surprisingly making me feel . . . better. Being around him is making me feel like me again. He’s not walking on eggshells or asking me a million questions. For the first time in a long time, I want to live and breathe again.
Putting on my sneakers, I grab my phone and headphones and decide to go for a run. I need to clear my head. Stepping outside in the warm sun, I put in my earbuds and start running. I think of the past few times we’ve talked and hung out. Instantly I feel like an asshole. Tyler and Ryan haven’t been on good terms since the night of the rape. Tyler blames Ryan and Ryan hasn’t made an effort to talk to his brother. I hate this feud between them. Part of me wants to bring it up. I need to know if Ryan has talked to Tyler.
Mentally yelling at myself, I continue running. Finishing my run, I sprint the last quarter mile. Catching my breath, I look up and see Ryan on my porch, looking at me with a smile.
“Hey!”
“Looking good, speedy,” he tells me. “How are you?”
“Tired,” I laugh, “so don’t get mad, okay?”
“Okay,” he smiles, “what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
“Have you talked to Tyler?” He rubs the back of his head and looks away. I already know the answer. “He knows you’re back.” I hear him sigh and see him sitting on the railing. “You can’t keep fighting with him.”
“Yeah,” he huffs, “I know.”
“Do you want to come in? I can make you something to eat and we can talk.”
“Maybe next time, silly girl,” he smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“For what?”
“You’ll see.”
“Again, can you please tell me?”
He shrugs, “Nope,” he taps my nose, “just be ready tomorrow morning. I’ll text you with details.”
Rolling my eyes, I wave goodbye and walk back inside and to my room. Pulling out my phone, I open my music app on my phone and listen to music. The shuffle mode plays Fix A Heart by Demi Lovato. I sit back and take out my sketch pad.
My phone vibrates, bringing me out of my trance.
Ryan: Tomorrow morning at 9am wear shorts and a shirt or whatever . . . Bikini maybe? =) But be ready
Me: Ok?
Ryan: Don’t think about it . . . Just do it. Listening to me will be good for you . . . I guarantee it
I roll my eyes. He’s too cocky for his own good.
Me: Cocky much?
Ryan: I’d like to say I’m confident. Sounds better than cocky =p
Me: Whatever you say lol
Not wanting to wait for his text, I grab my gym bag and head out.
Mandy and I have a kickboxing class tonight. I haven’t been to a kickboxing class in a while. Lately I’ve been focusing on doing other gym routines like lifting and high intensity interval training.
Stepping into the class, I see Mandy stretching and join her.
“So you’ve been avoiding me,” I tell her, rolling my shoulders forward and back. “Afraid to tell me something?”
“Shut up,” she pushes me and laughs. “I don’t want to talk about it now, but I will.”
“You know I’m here for you.”
“I know,” she says and we stretch until the instructor comes.
Immediately she starts class, putting on high intensity music to get us moving. Feeling the burn in my arms and legs, I keep up with the instructor. I look over to the right and see Mandy. She looks at me with death in her eyes.
“Let’s go, ladies. I want to see aggression. Pretend your best friend slept with your boyfriend or you found your husband in bed with your sister. Hit the damn bags!” the instructor yells.
Closing my eyes and focusing, I think about Tony and rage spills from me. My hits are stronger and my grunts are louder.
“You’ll never touch me again!” I scream, kicking the bag over and over again. “Never.” I feel arms around me and I collapse, crying. I think about that night again and I feel his rough hands. Why did that have to happen to me? I never did anything bad to anyone. I don’t know why I’m allowing him to control me from so far away. I have to learn how to control my emotions and my hate for him.
“It’s okay,” Mandy tells me. The instructor tells everyone class is over and kneels down besides us.
“Word of advice hun, don’t bottle it in.” She pats my shoulder and leaves the room.
“She’s right, Bay. You have to talk.”
“I know,” I whisper through the tears, “I know.”
Sitting in my car, I pull out my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings twice and I hear his anxious voice.
“Bay?”
“Hey,” I force myself to say without crying. Hearing his voice on the other end, knowing he’s so far away, is killing me. I have to be strong or else he’ll come back. “How are you?”
“What’s wrong? And please don’t lie to me.”
He knows. He always knows. “I had a breakdown in kickboxing today. The instructor said to imagine someone you hate,” I start to cry, “and I pictured Tony. I hit the bag over and over again. Screaming and crying.” I hear his breathing growing faster, “I want to be okay. I hate this tainted feeling. He’s in prison and I know he can’t hurt me, so why do I think about it?”
“Because baby, it’s something that happened to you. This is part of your journey to survive remember? You’re going to face these demons and you have to learn how to do it head on. It’s going to be hard. Don’t shut anyone out, even yourself. Let yourself be sad and mad. It’s normal.”
I hear the hope in his voice and nod. W
e stay on the phone for a few minutes without saying anything.
“Thank you for knowing what to say. I thought calling you would make you want to come back.”
“Like you said, we need space and you need room to breathe and grow. But baby, you know I’d be there in a heartbeat.”
“I know.”
Taking out my journal, I put my thoughts to paper.
Today I had a breakdown. It’s been a while and I’m not sure when I’ll have another. I kept seeing Tony’s face. I want to hit him so bad and I want to see him to get answers. Why did he pick me that night? Why did he do that?
Every time I get the courage to take the five hour drive to the prison where he’s located, I stop myself. I only get about twenty minutes from my house before I turn back. I don’t think I can do it. But I think I have to. Does that make sense?
No one knows I need this and I’m not sure if I should tell anyone. What should I do?
Putting away my journal, I head to my bathroom to get ready for bed. My mind is full of what’s going on with Ryan, Tyler, and what happened today at the gym. I hate breaking down and letting what happened to me affect me. I know rape is difficult and I know it’s all about time. But sometimes I want to make myself forget and never feel that kind of pain. That violation and self-loathing.
Coming out of the bathroom, I see Ryan sitting on the edge of my bed. He’s wearing cargo shorts and a white tee. His hair’s recently been washed. When he lifts his head to look at me, I stop mid-step and stay where I’m standing. He stares at me as I open my mouth to say something, anything, because this whole showing up without being invited is not cute anymore.
“What are you doing here?”
“I need you to talk to me,” he answers and gets up to walk towards me. “I read some entries in your journal. Why are you blaming yourself?”
