by S. Moose
Thinking about them together, hanging out, is driving me crazy. My mood is all over the place. I can’t focus on anything. Time needs to go faster so I can get back to Rochester and Bayleigh. The hollowness in my chest and the empty, off, feeling in the pit of my stomach hits me full force.
Finishing my run, I lift some weights to release my anger and frustration. Luckily I’m the only one here, because no one wants to be near me right now. After a few sets, I grab a towel from the rack and go back to my room. It’s pretty late when I get back and I can’t sleep. Jumping in the shower, I let the water relax my muscles. My head is against the shower wall. All I can think about is her with my fucking brother.
Stepping out of the shower, I put on my sweatpants and white tee when I hear a knock on the door. Opening the door, I see Anna standing before me with her hair tied in a loose bun wearing yoga pants and a tank.
“Hi,” I say, not sure how I sound. I wonder what she’s doing here and what’s going on. “Come in.”
“Sorry for barging in,” she stops to say as she walks in and makes her way to the couch. When she sits down, I notice her leg bouncing and I’m not sure what’s going on or what she has to say. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“Everything,” she looks up and gazes at me, “everything,” she repeats. “I know you think I’m a slut or whatever and I know you’re in love with Bayleigh.”
“Anna, I’m not sure where this is going.”
“I’m not sure either. I hate that you can’t talk to me and being around me makes you sick.”
Instead of sitting next to her, I walk to the desk and lean on the edge. She sounds sincere and I feel bad for the way I treated her. “I get it. But you have to accept I’m not available. I know last year was confusing and I led you on. I’m sorry for that.”
“I want to be friends,” she explains, “really I do. I miss our talks.”
“Yeah,” I agree, “but you can’t talk about wanting more or needing me. I’ll be your friend and that’s all I can give you.”
Anna stands up and walks to me, placing her hand on mine. “She’s lucky, you know. I hope she knows how lucky she is to have you.”
“Thanks,” and I mean it.
“Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for listening.” I nod my head and watch her leave the room.
Taking out my phone, I send Bayleigh a text.
Me: Sweet dreams
It’s simple and to the point. I don’t want to be romantic or sweet with her. She has to know I can be friends for now. Just hope she can be ready soon and not fall for him.
The next few days are a blur. Anna and I are working on a project and to my surprise, she’s acting like my friend and not someone who wants to have sex with me. It’s easy to work with her when she’s not eye fucking me.
Watching her study the report, she leans over and lies on her stomach while I sit at my desk on the computer.
“Why are you in that position?”
“I think better this way,” she responds. “So, can we take a break?”
Looking up from my computer, I stare at the stacks of binders on my desk. As much as I love working and meeting deadlines, these trainings and presentations are kicking my ass. A break sounds great, but so does this promotion that can open doors for me and for Bayleigh.
“We have to finish,” I urge Anna, turning back to the computer and grabbing another binder.
“No,” she tells me, “we’re going on a walk and clearing our heads. If I’m seeing double, then you’re seeing triple. Come on,” she whines and it’s getting on my nerves.
“Fine.” Getting up from my desk, we head outside and for once, I have to say Anna has a point. Walking to the park across the street, I breathe in the California air and let it back out.
“See, I told you this was needed. You feel better, huh?”
“A little.” I hate agreeing with her. “You were right.”
“Why, thank you,” she smiles and we keep walking. “Are you excited to go back home soon?”
“I am. Nervous though,” I laugh, “with my brother back and Bayleigh still not telling me what’s on her mind, I’m not sure what I’m walking back into.”
I’ve been talking to Anna about Bayleigh and Ryan. She listens and doesn’t offer too much advice. Between talking to her and Serena, I feel a little better every day, but it doesn’t take away from the odd ache I feel deep inside. When I go back home, things aren’t going to be the same and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.
“So that’s all you have to do,” Damon explains to me, pulling out a chair in the conference office. “Any questions?”
I look up and glance at the notes I wrote during our meeting. “I don’t think so, Damon. It’s pretty easy.” I relax and set down my notepad. “Everything’s been going really well. I’m so happy to be here.”
“I am glad you are here too,” he points at me and laughs. “You have this energy about you, Bayleigh. It’s rare.”
“Energy?”
“Yep. Energy. When you’re around, people feel safe and they feel good. Me? I feel incredible. Keep up with that energy and whatever you need, let me know.” He pats my shoulder and I follow him out.
I think about his energy statement and it makes me feel better. The work day goes by pretty fast and Damon’s been keeping me busy with scheduling and cancelling appointments, reviewing his notes and pretty much anything he needs.
“What’s with the face?” Mandy plops down on the chair and crosses her legs. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just keeping busy. Some of these notes aren’t making sense. So I’m going over it before asking Damon what I wrote,” I laugh and put away my file. “So, are you ready to fess up?”
“No.” She sits down and crosses her legs. “Nothing to report. I’m not interesting at this moment. You are.”
“Not talking about it Mandy.”
“Oh come on!”
For the past few days, I’ve been with Ryan. We’re hanging out at the lake or going out to dinner. Things are interesting and I’m not sure how to put all my thoughts and feelings together. He still hasn’t told me the reason for his unexpected return and I haven’t asked. Instead of having nightmares about Tony, I’m dreaming about Ryan in ways that aren’t good. In my dreams, he’s kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.
“I can see right through you,” Mandy states. “Are you falling for him?” I shrug. I really shouldn’t be. It’s been Tyler and it’ll always be Tyler.
“Happy hour starts in ten minutes.” Mandy points at her watch and gives me a wink before leaving my office. “And don’t think I’m letting this go either.”
Happy hour.
Drinks.
Bar.
People.
I feel my heart beating and my breathing hitting overdrive. I’ll be with Mandy and it’ll be fine. I’m a grown woman and there’s nothing to be afraid of.
We get to Black and Blue and Mandy orders us a dirty martini. I sit outside on the patio, and take out my phone. I haven’t texted Tyler yet. I look at his last message from early this morning and wonder why he was up.
Me: Happy hour right now for me . . . How’s work?
Ty: Busy as hell. How are you? We haven’t talked
Me: I know and I’m sorry . . . Been busy at work, working out, hanging out with Mandy and Ryan
Ty: Sounds fun. Are you hanging out with Mandy and Ryan or hanging out with them separately
I cringe with his question. I’ve never lied to him and I don’t want to now. The topic of Ryan with Tyler is hard because of their fight and hate for one another. Every time I bring up Tyler to Ryan, he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk. I’ve never understood their fight and no one ever wants to explain it to me.
Me: Separately . . . Don’t be mad
Ty: Ok
And he’s mad. Great.
“Here ya go, girly!” Mandy says, sitting down and handing my drink to me. “Cheers to figuring life out.�
� We clink glasses and I take a sip. The alcohol feels good sliding down my throat. It’s been a while since I’ve had a drink. Drinking makes me lose control and I don’t like that feeling. I always have to be in control.
“What a beautiful day out,” I say, looking around again, putting on my sunglasses. Even though Rochester has the wackiest weather, today isn’t bad. “What’s going on with you?”
“Oh you know,” her voice trails off and she takes a drink. “Loving Damon and trying to get him to commit to me. He says he’s giving me everything he can and I can either take it or leave it. For now, I’m taking it.” Her eyes look away from mine.
“Why won’t he commit?”
“I don’t know to be honest. He mentioned an ex and I think she fucked with his head and now he’s scared of any sort of commitment, so he busies himself with work and at night and on weekends, that’s our time.”
“So, what exactly are you guys?”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t want to label it.”
I reach out for Mandy’s hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry you’re confused. I wish I had advice. But if you want my opinion, I think he likes you more than he’s letting on. I saw the way he looked at you, girl. He’s totally falling for you.”
“I hope so. I mean, it’s been a year,” her voice trails off again and she finishes her drink.
“A year?”
“Sorry! I’m not even supposed to talk about it. I need to though, because my head is so fucked up. Like, I don’t know what to do. I want more and he won’t give me more.”
“Then talk to him,” I tell her, “tell him how you’re feeling.”
“Not that easy,” she sadly responds, “I’ll deal. Okay, enough about Damon. Tell me about the Scott boys.”
“Oh you know, I have a jealous ex in Cali and a mysterious best friend who is back in town and won’t tell me anything, so yeah there’s that.”
“How does it feel to have Ryan back?” She sips on her second drink and lets me think. Honestly, the question is making me wonder. I’m not sure how I really feel. “Are you happy? Mad?”
“I mean,” I drink my martini and lean back in the chair. “Okay, so Ryan has been my best friend since we were little. You know how they are. And you know how I am with him. Remember how I told you I met Tyler first and that means something. Sure they’re identical and all, but I knew it was Tyler. It’s always been Tyler. There’s nothing to feel for Ryan, yet there is. Yes, I am happy he’s here. A part of me wonders why, though. He’s been gone for two years. But I’ve been dreaming about him. It’s so weird.”
Mandy sighs, “I saw him the other night.”
“What?”
“Yeah, we had dinner. You know, catching up and all that. He texted me and wanted to talk.”
A pang of slight jealousy hits. I didn’t know they had dinner. He told me the other night he was going out with his mom. Why would he lie?
“So how was it?” She looks down and I know that look. “Mandy?”
“I can’t say. I want to, trust me, but I can’t.”
I reach over and put my hand on hers. We sit in silence and drink our martinis before our server comes and takes our order. Mandy doesn’t say much and looks distant.
“Hey, so I was thinking about going to Del Monte this weekend. Spa day! Wanna go?”
“Yes please,” she smiles, “I need a deep tissue so bad.”
And now my best friend is back.
When dinner is over, I head to the gym and get on the treadmill. It’s too late outside to run and I need to clear my head. Listening to Mandy talk about Ryan and telling me she knows something I don’t know is bothering me. She’s never broken a promise and I didn’t want her to start now. My wandering mind goes to different places and I can’t get it out of my head. What could he have told her? I kick up the speed to seven and focus on my breathing instead of Ryan Scott.
Relief washes over me and thirty minutes later, I’m exhausted. Grabbing my things from the locker room, I head out and drive home. Once in my room, I look around and feel like something is off. Putting down my bag, I look down and notice a box on my bed. Sitting down, I open the box and inside there is a frame with a picture. The picture is of me, Tyler, and Ryan when we graduated high school. I pick it up and smile looking at the three of us. A card slides down and I pick it up to read it.
I thought you’d like this picture. It’s been with me every day since I left. I never stopped thinking about you or my brother.
Ryan
I look out the window and see his bedroom light on. Heading out to his house, I go inside and call his name. Taking the steps one by one, I feel weird being here. It’s been a while since I’ve been over, but I know Moira won’t have an issue with me here.
Opening his bedroom door, I see Ryan in bed. He’s on top of his covers and looks peaceful.
Sitting down, I pick up a book he was reading. It’s a book of poems by Robert Frost-his favorite poet. Flipping through the pages, I see the poems he’s marked and notes he’s made. Reading his words, the emotions, the metaphors, and the way he fluently highlights the painful expressions, noting his own. I look at him, questioning if this is how he feels.
“Why are you back?” I whisper, softly touching his face.
“Bayleigh?” I turn around and see Moira at the door. “Hi honey. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I came in without saying hi to you. I didn’t see your car so I thought it was just Ryan home.”
“Oh goodness, don’t worry,” she smiles. “Come downstairs when you’re done.”
“Okay,” I smile back and turn to Ryan. Grabbing a blanket from his closet, I drape it over him and whisper goodnight before heading downstairs.
“Cookie?”
“Ah, I can’t. I just got done working out.”
“Oh please,” she waves her hand at me, “have one. You’ll be fine.” I give in and die as soon as the cookie touches my tongue. Honestly, this woman can bake. “How’s everything going?”
“Good,” I answer. “Working with Mandy at the firm as Damon Ridge’s PA and keeping busy.”
“Have you talked to Tyler?”
“Actually, we haven’t talked. I’ll text him later.” Moira smiles and puts out cookies on a plate. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she answers and I’m not convinced.
“Moira?”
Her head is down and I hear her sniffling, “Be there for my boys.”
“Of course. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, honey. Just wanted to say that. They miss you and I know you’ve been there for them all these years.”
Taking her hand, I give her a hug and we stand like this for a while. Since the death of her husband, David, she’s been fragile and sensitive. I don’t blame her. David was her world and he unexpectedly passed away.
Aneurysm.
I remember the day it happened and how broken they were. Ryan took it the hardest and Tyler took it upon himself to be strong for everyone.
“It’ll be okay,” I reassure her, “I’ll be here.”
It’s late when I get home so I don’t call Tyler. Instead I send him a text, letting him know I’m thinking about him and all is okay at home.
My heart races and my breathing is quick. My eyes won’t open. I feel his weight on me and his hands on my back.
“Get off me,” I cry, trying to pull away, trying to do anything I can to run.
“Bayleigh,” I recognize that voice, “it’s me, sweetheart. It’s me.” Turning over I see Ryan and the overwhelming emotions take over. The control I thought I had over me is gone. I feel helpless and I’m still letting Tony control me.
Ryan carefully pulls away, with his eyes on me, and lightly strokes my arm. The look on his face makes me turn away. Pity. Fear. I hate those looks.
“Are you okay?” I don’t answer. “Can you talk to me because you scared the shit out of me?”
“I thought you were Tony. During the rape,
” I start to say, swallowing the lump in my throat, “he never let me see his face until the very end when he thought I died. He’s the last thing I saw before I blacked out. When you touched me, I don’t know what happened, I thought it was back to that night.”
I shouldn’t be going through this anymore. The vice grip on my throat tightens and the weight on my chest gets heavier. I’m panicking because I don’t know where I am. I know I’m in my room. I know I’m safe and Ryan’s here with me, but I’m not here.
“If me being here is too much, I’ll leave. But I thought it would be nice to have you sleep through the night without waking up screaming.”
“It’s not your fault, Ryan. I’m still scared and messed up. I appreciate you being here.” I mean what I say, but I know I’ll push him away the way I push Tyler away. I’m a mess. A hot mess and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me. Therapy didn’t help. Being around Tyler didn’t help. There’s nothing. The only one who can help me be stronger is myself. I need to pull myself out of the nightmare.
He runs his fingers through my hair and rests his other hand on my knee. “It’s going to be okay. You can’t let him take you down.” I nod, listening to what he’s saying, forcing myself to believe it.
“I’m going to protect you. Even if I have to buy a blow up bed and put it in your room or sleep on the floor up against the wall, shit, I don’t care. You need to tell me what I can do to make this better for you.”
“You’re doing it now,” I admit.
He leans down and kisses my forehead. I feel his breath on my face and feel his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and hold him back. But when I close my eyes, I don’t see Ryan. I see Tyler and the blue eyes I love so much are looking back at me with regret and sadness.
A vibration near my face wakes me up. I pick up my phone and see Ryan’s name on the screen.
“How do you feel about heights?”
