Offbeat

by S. Moose

  He hangs his head, with his hands resting on my knees. “That’s why we fought last night. We’re both in love with you and neither one of us are willing to leave and let go.”

  “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

  “Go back to him. I’m no good for you and he’s perfect for you.”

  Getting up from the swing, I throw my mug across the yard and fall to my knees. “Stop telling me this! Stop telling me Tyler’s perfect for me. I’m so confused. My life shouldn’t be like this,” I cry. “Haven’t I been through enough? Now let’s go ahead and add that I love two guys and can only be with one.”

  I cover my face and regret the words. Feeling Ryan close to me, I open my eyes and see him. His eyes are closed and his hands are resting on his thighs. We’re facing each other and I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what I’m thinking.

  “Bay,” I call out, watching my brother and love of my life. She looks at me and stands up slowly. Ryan looks at me too and stands up, staring at Bayleigh and then me.

  “Looks like I came back at a good time. So you love us both, Bay.”

  “You weren’t supposed to be back for another few days. Then you show up at my house and kiss me, then leave! You’re confusing me. I told you I need time and I was doing so well. I was learning how to miss you and love you, then you,” she points at Ryan, “you came back and now my head is full of shit. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready for this conversation.” I see her body tense and her voice trembles, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to hear that.”

  “Well,” I shrug, “I did. You said what you said and did what you did. You spent time with him and now you’re confused. I’ll add that I haven’t been perfect either.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Walking over to them, I stop midway and shake my head. “There’s been a girl back in Cali who wants my fucking dick. She keeps pressuring me and wants me. Do you know what it’s like to be fucking wanted?” I scream, “It feels fucking good. I felt like a damn man because someone wanted me and she wanted to be with me. Unlike you,” I seethe, “you act like you’re so innocent. Well newsflash Bay, you aren’t.”

  “Tyler,” she cries, “stop. Please understand . . .”

  “No!” I scream, “I waited for you. I gave you space and I was faithful. I’ve been gone for three fucking weeks and now I come home and you’re in love with my damn brother. What the fuck did I do wrong?” At this point I’m in her face. I’ve never yelled at her or been really angry, until now.

  “Fall back, brother.”

  “Get the fuck away from me,” I seethe. “Why the fuck are you back? You were gone and left her alone. I’m the one who took care of her and waited.”

  “You know the truth, brother.”

  Anger takes over and I feel my fist connect with his face. “It doesn’t matter who she met first! We were five fucking years old,” I scream.

  “What are you talking about?” Bayleigh asks, looking at me then at Ryan.

  Ryan shakes his head and backs away. “Remember how you always said you fell in love with Tyler when you first met, then you met me?” She nods and I’m about to punch him again. “You met me first, so that means you loved me first and then you fell for my brother. Do you know how hard it was to watch you fall in love with him when you loved me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I never told you my name when we first met. You assumed it was Tyler because he saw you through the window and wanted you. There was something about you that drew us both in. So when you met him, you assumed and we never corrected you because that’s what you do when you’re in love. It’s a sacrifice. You were supposed to be mine and now I’ll never have you because I’m fucking dying.”

  Both of us look at Ryan and he moves away, wiping his mouth. The tears in his eyes fall and he stands taller.

  “That’s right. I’m dying. I only have a few more weeks. There’s a tumor in my brain and there’s nothing that can be done. I ignored all the headaches and shit I’ve been feeling. That night you got me from the hospital was the night they told me it was terminal.” I watch him laughing and soon the laughter turns to tears. “Do you know what it’s like to live like this? I knew about the tumor and a specialist in Chicago helped me. It was a few months after the rape,” he explains, “I went through surgery and everything necessary. I fucking followed their instructions!” He screams, falling to the ground and punching the grass. “Everything,” he cries. “They said I would be okay and there may be a chance the tumor would come back. So I lived my life and then came back because I had to see you. The headaches came back and I felt sick. So I made an appointment.”

  Bayleigh takes my hand and I don’t pull away. We don’t move from where we’re standing and we listen to everything he’s telling us.

  “I want my last days to be with you, Bayleigh, and to make things right by you, Tyler.” He looks at both of us and cries, “Now I’ll never know what it’s like to be with you. All I fucking want is to make things right.”

  Ryan gets up from the ground and walks away. I’m speechless. When I turn to look at Bayleigh, there are tears streaming down her face. I don’t make an attempt to dry her tears because my very own are falling.

  I help Bayleigh to her room and stay with her until she falls asleep. Kissing her forehead, I head home and try to deal with the news of my brother. Walking into the living room, our mom is sitting by the fireplace and she’s looking at pictures. Our photo albums are all around her feet, and there’s a bottle of wine next to her with an empty glass.

  “Mom?” She turns to look at me. “What’s going to happen?”

  “I wish I had the answers, Tyler. I wish I knew what to do,” she cries. “He’s only twenty-three,” she sobs, “how can this happen?” Running over, I take my mom in my arms and hold her. We sit and cry, asking ourselves how life can be so fucking cruel.

  Helping her get to her room, I open Ryan’s bedroom door and go inside. “There’s nothing they can do?” He turns my way and shakes his head.

  “Nothing. I’m dying and it’s something I have to accept.”

  “So you’re giving up?” This causes him to stand up and get in my face.

  “I tried everything. I had the best fucking team and there’s nothing that can be done. Terminal, Tyler. Fucking terminal means no fucking cure. Nothing. There’s this fucking thing in my brain, pushing down and causing me to be sick. Do you think I want this? Huh?” He screams and turns away from me, punching the wall and collapsing on the floor. “I wanted to live, man. I wanted to come back and be the good guy for once.”

  It’s been three days since I talked to Ryan and Tyler. I’m keeping busy and putting my energy into work. I bring home my laptop over the weekend and review Damon’s reports and come in early on Monday. I look at the calendar, and notice the original date of Tyler’s return. The big circle I drew with his name and a heart taunts me. Even though I want to see both guys, I know I can’t. It’s hard for me to put in perspective how I feel. I want to see a psychic so they can tell me which path to take. I need a sign or something to tell me what I need to do.

  With Ryan, I’m alive and I can breathe. He doesn’t treat me like an assignment and pushes me to face my fears. While Tyler looks at me like a broken project that he has to fix or else I’ll always be incomplete. But the difference between Tyler and Ryan is one brother was there for me during my darkest time and the other ran away because the guilt ate him alive. The answer seems clear, yet it’s not. My heart beats for both of them.

  Resting my head on my desk, I groan and close my eyes, taking me away from where I am to a different place. No words can explain what’s going on inside of me. Maybe if I run away and not be with either brother, I’ll be okay.

  Then who’ll be happy?

  Who wins?

  “Come on Bay, get your shit together,” I mutter and lift my head up to work on the reports again. I work to keep busy so my mind doesn’t go to the place I refu
se to go.

  An hour later, my office door opens and in walks Damon. “Real talk,” he says, sitting down in front of me. I don’t want to look at him so I keep working. “Bayleigh eyes here now,” his deep voice scares me so I listen. “Okay good you’re with me. What’s going on with you?”

  “Whatever do you mean, Damon?”

  “Don’t play cute with me. You’re working a shit load of hours. And don’t lie to me. I know everything. You’re here early as hell and stay until late. You worked over the weekend and I have no idea why.”

  “Because I want to work.”

  “No.”

  “Yes,” I glare at him. How dare he try to figure me out? “Damon with all due respect, who do you think you are?”

  “Ahh, my little spitfire is back. Lay it on me, babe, what’s going on?”

  “Ugh,” I groan, “I’m in love with two guys and both are perfect in their own way.”

  “Go on.”

  I tell him about the Scott boys and he listens to every word, hanging on, nodding when appropriate and handing me a tissue when I need it. Talking about the rape is hard, but I do it and make it through. Bringing up how I treated Tyler turns into me ugly crying and blowing my noise every minute. Then I bring up Ryan and how he’s been with me. By the time I’m done, my makeup is ruined and my eyes are swollen and red.

  “Johnny Depp said if you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”

  “I’ve heard that quote and I disagree. We can love more than once because there are two types of love. There’s the forever kind and the always kind.”

  He kinks a brow, “You lost me. Forever and always is the same.”

  “No,” I shake my head, “a forever love is when you spend your life with that one person through thick and thin, and when you’re old and gray you look at your forever love and say we’ve lived a good life. Your always love is a love you keep in your heart. You keep them close because they’ve changed your life in one way or another. That’s the difference.”

  “Still confused.”

  “Ultimately forever is stronger than always. Forever is a bond you can’t break. Life will throw every obstacle your way and you make it through, even when the odds are against you. When you think about forever, you think about happily ever after and how you’ll experience the good and bad.”

  “So you won’t experience that with an always love?”

  “You do,” I explain, “but in a different way. The always type love is strong but it doesn’t take away from forever. Always means continuous, and is measured in time. Forever means eternally and there’s no ending.”

  Damon looks at me with curious eyes. He leans back and rests his ankle on his knee. We stare at one another and it hits me.

  “By the look on your face, I think you answered your own question. You love both guys, and that’s normal, but you can’t shake the life you’ve made with Tyler. Even though you love Ryan, there’s something special with Tyler or else you would have broken it off completely and you wouldn’t be in this position.”

  “But I think about Ryan all the time and I am in love with him. It’s all I can think about. He’s where I go when I don’t know how to handle everything. But Damon, he’s dying, so is my love out of guilt?”

  “That’s tough. I think you know who you love and want to be with, only you don’t want to hurt anyone. You have to admit to yourself what you want and who you want. With Ryan dying, that complicates things. I think you should spend as much time as possible with him and explain why you need to do this to Tyler.”

  “Thanks Damon,” I quietly tell him. “I’m sorry I made you worry.”

  “I get it,” he says, “truly I do.”

  I want to bring up Mandy and I feel like he’s giving me an opening to. “So, what’s up with you and my best friend?”

  “Complicated,” he tells me, “she’s this amazing woman. Someone like I’ve never met before. My ex fiancé hurt me pretty bad. Relationships are scary.”

  “I agree. Have you talked to her?”

  He shrugs and shakes his head. “I want to. I want to be honest with her. I know she’s falling for me and it scares the living shit out of me. She deserves more than I can give her, but I’m too selfish to let her go.”

  “Talk to her. She’ll understand. Mandy’s stronger than you think and she really likes you. I think she loves you.”

  “She does?” I nod and see the relief and hope in his eyes.

  Sitting on the swing on my porch, I watch the house next door. No one’s been over to say anything to me and I can’t bring myself to go over and see what they’re doing. I check my phone and see there have been no calls or messages. I’m not sure how either of them are doing or if they’re talking. After the bombshell, I walked away and locked myself in the room. I finally have both of them back and now I’m going to lose Ryan and maybe Tyler.

  The look in his eyes when he was screaming at me, I don’t know, I don’t think I can erase that image. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, going up and down and upside down. There’s an end in sight and the ride will soon stop, only I’m not sure who is going to be next to me in the end.

  How do I explain any of this to Tyler? I told him I need space and when he comes back, I’ll see where I’m at. It’s always been about me and never him. I understand his feelings and I wish he’d come and talk to me.

  “Bayleigh Renee.” I look up and see Ryan coming up the steps. Our eyes don’t leave the other and we’re in a trance, one I’m not fighting and neither is he. Holding out his hand, I take it and stand before him.

  I look down at his hands and notice they’re resting on my hips. The burning desire to kiss him sets in and my mind is racing along with my heart. I love Tyler and Ryan is a friend, I repeat over and over. The way his hands feel on me is something I can’t describe.

  “I want to kiss you,” he admits to me.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Ryan don’t.” I don’t realize what leaves my lips until he leans down and kisses me. Our kiss is simple and different. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him closer. Opening my mouth to let his tongue slide in, he takes his time and deepens the kiss.

  Pulling away I stare at him, “Oh no.” This isn’t happening. I didn’t enjoy kissing Ryan. “I have to go.”

  I ball my fists when I see them kiss. It’s only been a few hours and my fucking brother is making his move. Moving away from the window, I take the stairs and wait in her room. Everything I want to say to her is in pieces. I’m not sure what to do.

  When the door opens, she walks in with wide eyes and an expression I’m not used to seeing. She’s thinking and the kiss is affecting her more than it should.

  “Bay.”

  “Ty. What are you doing here?” I relax when I hear her voice and try to clear my head. I shake my head and stare at the floor. I have to keep my anger and emotions in check.

  “Wanted to talk.”

  She sits down next to me and places her head on my shoulder. “Everything is going wrong,” she whispers, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve made a mess of the situation and I’m trying to find a solution. Please can we not fight?” she begs me, her voice shaking, and all I can do is pick her up in my arms and hold her.

  “I agree, we should talk. Only, I have no idea where to go from here.”

  “I don’t either,” she agrees, still holding my hand. “I want answers and I don’t know what to do. I love you so much and I love Ryan. The thing is, I don’t know at what degree my love for Ryan is.”

  “I know,” I softly answer. Everything I want to say is on the tip of my tongue and I can’t say it. I want to tell her I hate her and never to talk to me again. I want to scream and yell, but that’ll leave me nowhere.

  “Why are you even back? Don’t I cause you pain and grief? You can do so much better than me.”

  I hug her and feel her soft cheek against mine.
“Because when you love someone, you accept all their flaws. You don’t fall in love with perfection, you fall in love with imperfection and create a perfect kind of love.” I rub my fingers along her shoulders and down her body, trying to hold back the sadness. “I love you, Bay. That’s never going to change.”

  Bayleigh looks into my eyes and renders me breathless. She touches each side of my face with her hands and brings her lips to mine. I freeze for a moment, forgetting what I saw outside, and take her with everything I have.

  “I miss you,” I tell her, holding her against my body. She fits perfectly and this is where she needs to be. I feel her lips on my neck. Closing my eyes, I enjoy this moment with her.

  “I want you. I need you,” she whispers in my ear.

  Her words are doing things to my body and I hope she means it. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  She deepens the kiss and moves closer to me, pushing me back on her bed. Each movement is telling me she’s thinking of me, wanting me, loving me. I’m the one she loves and wants to be with. When her lips touch my neck I let out a groan and move my hands down her body. She meets my lips again and opens her mouth, letting my tongue in to explore her sexy mouth.

  “I love you so much.” Her words sink in and I so badly want this night to be forever in my head.

  Straddling me, she pulls off her shirt and bra, leaving her exposed body for my eyes only. I grip her shoulders and close my eyes.

  “Bayleigh, we don’t have to do this.”

  “I want this, Tyler. I want you.”

  No matter how strong I’m trying to be, the look in her eyes is all I need to know that this is what she wants. I grab the back of her head and my lips meet hers again. Flipping her over on her back, I take off my shirt and feel her soft fingers pull down my jeans. When they slide under the elastic band of my boxers and I feel her on my bare skin, a low grunt escapes my lips. I bring my lips to her chest and kiss her all the way down until my mouth touches her inner thigh. Pulling down her panties, she does the same with my boxers.