by S. Moose
So why the fuck did I do that?
When I was little, I thought she was an angel and I’ve always loved her. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me and she’s here with me. But I was the one who never believed in love or wanted love. I never pursued her or told her how I felt. I knew she was in love with my brother and I fell in the shadows.
Going through the days and nights without her, watching her fall in love with him was hard. Hearing her say it’s always been Tyler and no one else was painful.
She never gave me a chance and I never asked for one.
After the night she got raped, I had to get out of there. I couldn’t bear to see her in pain, but I couldn’t leave. When everyone was gone, I snuck into the hospital and sat with her. There were machines everywhere and she wouldn’t wake up. I sat there with her, holding her hand, telling her over and over again how sorry I was. Then I kissed her forehead and left.
I watched her for a while and I wondered if she was getting better. She never left her house, only to go to court, and I followed her. She looked frail and pale. Tyler was there, holding her, supporting her, loving her. Something I was doing from far away.
The day she took the stand, I wanted to murder Tony. I wanted to watch the life escape his body and see his face when he fought to take his final breath. The fucking defense attorney was a douchebag too. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill everyone.
When the verdict came back, I knew it was time to leave and I did. I followed my dreams and traveled the world, until pain struck me, bringing me back to Rochester. I was admitted and had to face the news.
I was dying.
It was my punishment for not protecting her from Tony. I should have been there to watch over her. But instead, I picked a random whore instead of the girl I love. I deserve this pain and I deserve to die. I’m the reason Bayleigh’s fucked up in the head. She’s scared of her shadow and when I’m gone, I’m scared of what’ll happen to her. Will Tyler man the fuck up and watch her? Who’ll push her to live?
I get my phone and send a text to Mandy.
Me: When I’m gone please watch over her. I know you’re busy with your life and I’m so happy for you and Damon. But please make sure she doesn’t stay in her room the whole time. Please watch her and make her do things.
Mandy: You know I will. Tyler still acting like a jackass?
Me: Yes and I don’t blame him . . . Promise me Mandy she won’t know pain. .
Mandy: She won’t Ry . . . I promise. Get some sleep please
Me: Yeah . . . Sleep . . . I love you Mandy. Thanks for always being there and send my best to Damon
Mandy: Of course. .We love you too Ry
Hoping to soon fall asleep, I bring her in my arms and kiss the top of her head. My world has everything I need because of her. Everything I do and everything I feel is because of this woman in my arms. Nothing will ever happen to her because I’ve made sure she’ll be okay.
I know she will.
The next morning, she heads home so I can spend time with my mom. We sit on the deck and I drink her famous hot chocolate. Reaching over, I squeeze her hand, “I love you, Mom.”
“Oh Ryan,” she cries and gets up to hold me. “I love you so much, son. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish,” she sobs, “I wish you could fight this.”
Holding my mom in my arms, I reassure her everything will be okay. “It’ll be fine. I promise. I love you so much. You’re the best mom and I know I wasn’t the easiest son to raise, but thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for teaching me about life.” I hold back my sob and hold her tighter, “I’m going to miss you so much, Mom.”
“Ryan,” she sobs and there’s nothing more I can say. My mom is the strongest woman I know. “Say hi to your dad for me and please watch over us.”
“Forever, Mom. Until we see each other again.”
She lets me go and kisses my cheek. We sit by the pool for hours and I’m getting cold. Asking her to help me inside, I don’t have the strength to make it up the stairs. Tyler helps me to my favorite chair and wraps me in a blanket. I hear my mom crying on the phone with my doctor. I see Tyler hugging her and hanging up the phone.
A sharp pain is in my head and it makes me dizzy. “Hold on just a little while longer, Ryan. Keep fucking fighting.” I cry and hold my head in my hands.
The pain intensifies and part of me wants my life to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. The only thing I know is I have to. I want more time with her. I need more time with her. I need to look into her beautiful eyes and remember our love. I need to feel her lips on mine and feel her soft hands touching my face. I need to hear her voice, telling me everything will be okay.
I’d give anything to see a smile on her face and to see her truly happy and in love.
With him.
Hearing the door open and close, I move my head so I can see her walking in. She’s wearing leggings with a white off the shoulder top. The cool air comes in and I breathe it in, hoping to make it last forever.
“You’re back,” I smile and see her walking towards me. She bends down and kisses my lips.
Heaven.
“Can I get you anything? Do you want to watch a movie?”
“Yeah, can we watch a Disney movie?” I smile and remember when we were sick my mom put in Beauty and the Beast. It was usually because Bayleigh would be over taking care of us too.
“Okay,” she smiles again and goes to the kitchen to get my mom and Tyler. I hear the whispering, but I can’t make out where they’re saying. Soon, the three of them are sitting down and Tyler’s getting the movie prepared. I reach over to hold her hand and she willingly takes it and blows me a kiss.
This is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Right here in a room with the people I love so much.
The movie plays and we’re still holding hands. I look over at Tyler and see his eyes on our hands. My chest aches thinking about how much he hates seeing this and how he longs for her. I fucking hate this shit and wish I could give back a piece of her heart so it’ll be whole again. I need my girl to be whole again.
When the movie’s over, Tyler helps me upstairs and to the bathroom. I hear Bayleigh and my mom talking. I look at Tyler and thank him for helping me.
“So, how are you feeling?”
I cough a little and hold the wall for support. The dizzy spell hits me again with full force and my head feels like it’s splitting in two. “Like shit.”
“I know, man and I’m sorry,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “Keep fighting.”
“I’m trying.”
When Tyler’s done helping me get to bed, he says goodnight to the both of us and I’m back to where I need to be. In her arms, next to her.
“Do you know how easy it is to love you?” She smiles and rests her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and feel her body relax. “Loving you is keeping me alive and strong. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me,” she answers and holds me tight.
I hold her close to my body and hear her slowly breathing. I know she’s asleep. I don’t want to sleep yet. I’m afraid I won’t wake up in the morning and see her again. Shit, please don’t take me away yet.
Not yet. Please.
“I love you. Thank you for giving me my piece of Heaven.”
I wake up the next morning and kiss Ryan’s forehead. I check his pulse and make sure he’s still alive. I know it’s morbid, but I need him alive. I can’t lose him. The day’s coming and I hate seeing him in so much pain, only saying goodbye to him is going to be one of the hardest things.
The bond we share is so strong and that’ll never change. No matter where we are, we’ll always be side by side.
Heading downstairs, I see Tyler outside. He’s sitting on a chair on the deck and drinking a cup of coffee. Quickly making myself a cup, I walk outside and sit down next to him.
“Do you ever wonder about life and the meaning of it?”
“All the time.” I take a sip of my coffee and look at him. “What are you thinking about?”
“That it fucking sucks my brother is dying and my mom’s a wreck. That the woman I love is sharing his bed and even though there’s not much I can do I still wonder if life will bring us back together.”
I watch his eyes on me and I wonder the same thing. When Ryan passes away, things are going to be different. I’m not sure how we’ll handle the loss and I’m not sure what we’ll do when it happens.
“I think everything happens for a reason and we’ll find our way,” I smile and take his hand. “Do you want that?”
“I’m not sure. There are things I’ve said and done and I don’t think you can forgive me.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and wonder what he’s talking about. Instead of asking I relax in the chair and squeeze his hand.
“I have something for you.” Before I can say anything, Tyler heads inside and comes back out holding a box. He hands me the box and I open it to see a beautiful infinity necklace.
“This is beautiful,” I cover my mouth and cry. “Thank you so much, Tyler.” He takes the necklace from my hands and places it around my neck. The way his fingers are brushing my skin is making my heart beat fast. I miss his hands on me. I miss him.
Coming around to sit back down he looks at me and smiles. “It looks beautiful on you. A beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl.” He lifts my hand to his lips and we both close our eyes.
“I have to go and check on Ryan.”
“I know,” he whispers and lets me go. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will, Tyler. Thank you.”
Kissing him on the cheek, I go inside and back to his room. Sitting down next to him, I touch his cool face and put more blankets on him to make sure he’s comfortable. I wish this wasn’t happening to him. I curse God for taking away someone who deserves to live his life.
I’m not sure how long I’m up here for. Ryan’s still sleeping and I wonder when he’ll wake up. He needs to eat something. I’m scared to wake him up. He needs his strength, so I lie down next to him and read on my Kindle.
Night falls and Ryan slowly wakes up. He turns his head and smiles. “Hi.”
“Hi, sleepy head. How are you feeling?”
“Okay. But can we sit outside again. I know it’s cold out, but I want to look at the night sky with you.”
Grabbing his sweater and jacket, I help him down and we walk downstairs. Tyler and Moira are in the living room and watch us walk outside. They look worried and I give them a reassuring smile.
When we sit down, I look at Ryan and he’s mesmerized by the stars and clouds.
“Do you think I can touch a star when I’m in Heaven?”
“I think you can do anything you want to do wherever you are,” I hold his hand and try my best to hold back the tears. “You’re so strong, Ryan. You can do anything and you’ll be pain free soon.” I can’t hold it back anymore. “God, why does this have to happen to you?”
“I know, Bayleigh. But we have a purpose in life. I was sent to come back to you and make sure you’ll be okay and you will be. I know it’ll be hard, but please don’t forget the promise you made me. It’ll all be okay.”
I hear his voice getting weaker and his hand is getting colder. I yell for Tyler to come out here and help me bring Ryan back inside. We get him up the stairs and back in bed. Moira brings us blankets and puts it on him. My heart sinks when I see the color in his face go pale and the light in his eyes slowly disappearing.
I need him to keep fighting. He can’t leave yet. No, please Ryan fight.
Rushing over to his side, I curl up next to him and sing a song. I sing about love and finding peace. I sing about anything to keep him awake.
“Please stay awake.”
The hours pass and I feel Tyler’s hand on my hip. Everyone is in the room and I look around to see Mandy holding Moira and Damon is standing in the corner wiping his eyes.
“Everyone’s here, Ryan,” I whisper, softly waking him up. When he opens his eyes, there’s a small smile on his face.
“Hey everyone. Sorry I look like shit right now,” he laughs, “thanks for being here and promising to watch over this girl. God I love her,” he says, laughing and holding my hand. “I want to say I love you all and I know you’ve been through a lot since I’ve been back. Thanks for never giving up on me.”
Everyone in the room cries and I hold onto him tighter, and longer. I don’t want him to leave yet. Not yet. Please keep fighting. Ryan gives me the strength I need to keep fighting and living my life. He’s the breath I need to get through the day and now not only will he be leaving, but he’s taking away my light.
My strength.
Watching him smile with his eyes on everyone and softly talking to Mandy and his mom, I look over at Tyler and he’s in the corner with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. This can’t be easy for him. He’s not only losing his brother, but friend. These boys have been through so much together.
Looking back at Ryan and hearing his voice, I’ll miss hearing him talk to me. I’ll miss hearing him say my name. I’ll miss how he pushed me and made me do things, even though I fought against it for so long.
I’ll miss it all.
When everyone says their goodbyes, they leave us alone in his room. I rest my head on his shoulder and our hands are stretched out, resting on his lap.
“Bayleigh Renee.”
“Yes, Ryan Alexander.”
“When I was sleeping, I had a dream about you. It was our future. Five or seven years from now and we have a baby. She’s beautiful,” he coughs and holds me tighter. “Stay with me tonight.”
“I’m not leaving you, Ryan. I promise this is where I’ll be.”
“I’m not going to make it,” he whispers and I shut my eyes to force myself to remain calm so I don’t cry. “I’m glad you’re here though.”
My heart aches when I hear his frail voice. He’s okay with dying. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how he’s at peace and I’m lying here with a broken heart.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I nod my head. “Your love kept me alive and I’m so thankful for you. I’m so lucky to have spent the last few weeks with you.” Tears stream down my face. I can’t maintain my composure. This is harder than I thought. I don’t know how I’m going to be okay when he leaves this Earth. I don’t know how any of us will be okay.
“I need you to promise me you’ll be okay,” he coughs and struggles to breathe. I get up and look at him, telling him to breathe and relax.
“Stop worrying,” I cry, “I’m going to be okay. I promise you I’ll be okay and I’ll be happy. But I need you to stop talking and hold me.”
“I’ll hold you. Always in my heart. Always.” He slowly closes his eyes and opens his eyes again. “There you are,” he smiles and kisses me on my lips. “Please stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone.”
“You have nothing to worry about. I won’t leave you.”
“When I see you again, you’ll have so much to tell me, “ he smiles, “and I’m going to enjoy listening to you talk about your life. You’re going to live to be old and gray, with your great great grandchildren around you. You’ll have the family you’ve always wanted and I’ll get to watch it all happen. When you watch the sunset, please think of me. Please remember our love and remember how strong you are. Even though I’m gone, it doesn’t mean I’m not standing by your side because I promise that’s where I’ll be until it’s your time to come to heaven.”
I sob in his arms, uncontrollable ugly sobs. I can’t be strong for him because I know that soon he’ll be gone. “I love you so much, Ryan. I’m always going to love you. Your memory will live on and it’ll be us. Just us.”
“Good,” he smiles, “I love you so much and I’m sorry I have to leave. I’m in so much pain, and I’m not sure how much more I can hold on. I’m trying for you. I’m sorry I won’t ever get to see you smile
or hear your voice. I’m sorry I won’t be here for you. But remember you have so many people who love you. You have Tyler. And that makes me so happy.”
“Ryan,” the sob escapes me and I throw myself on his body and hold on tight. “I love you.”
“I’m never going to leave you. I promise.”
I can hear him struggling to take breaths. This is killing me. I don’t want him to stop talking, but I need him to rest.
“You fought for me when no one else would. Thank you for loving me and staying by my side. Thank you for everything.”
“You never have to thank me, Ryan. This is what I want.”
“It’s time for me to go to sleep. Can you look at me please?” I turn my head and see his blue eyes staring back at me. “There’s my beautiful angel. My angel who gave me life and made me live longer. I love you,” he says and kisses me again. “So much.”
I watch as he closes his eyes and struggles to breathe. I hear the door open and Tyler comes in. He sits on the other side of Ryan and soon his mom is in the room sitting next to me. Tyler gets Ryan comfortable and the three of us hold his hand and say a prayer to God so his soul makes it to Heaven.
The hours go by and I can see his breathing drastically slowing. “Take care of her, Tyler. Take care of her and love her. She’ll forgive you. Just fight.”
“I love you, Ryan,” he cries and holds his hand.
“You can let go now, Son,” Moira adds, “We love you so much. Please don’t worry.”
Tyler rests his head on Ryan’s hand. “Go to Heaven, Ryan. Remember how much we love you.”
“I love you all . . .” he breathes and lets it out, “so much.”
His hand goes limp and his chest stops moving. My world comes to a slow end and there’s nothing else I can do.
Standing in front of my mirror, I press my hands down on my dress and smooth out the wrinkles. But fuck! As hard as I rub, there are still wrinkles. Whipping off my dress, I grab the iron and ironing board and pace my room, waiting for the stupid iron to heat. It’s the twenty first century, wouldn’t you think by now there would be an instant heat iron?
