“How did she do that?”
“She brought in a lot of self-help books that we all read and talked about. Reading books like Women Who Love Too Much helped us discover how we had ended up in toxic relationships with men and how to avoid repeating that pattern. She constantly reminded us to focus on being well and strong and to direct our energy toward making things happen rather than letting things happen. Unfortunately lately she hasn’t been happy with the direction we’ve been going.”
“Can you tell me more about that?”
Hana pressed her lips together and ran her hand through her hair. “Not really,” she said. “I’d be violating the Moxie confidentiality code.”
“Maybe this is a situation where the confidentiality code can’t be the main priority,” I said quietly.
Hana squeezed her eyebrows together and looked off into the distance. “I’ll say this and this is all I’ll say,” she said. “We Moxie members believe in Karma—that it has a way of teaching people lessons. But after a while we realized Karma isn’t enough. We might fix our own lives, but the problem with men who mistreat women is still out there. Other women are still being hurt the way we were.”
She paused, her eyes darting nervously around the room. Then she took a deep breath, pulled her shoulders back, lifted her chin, and looked me directly in the eye. “At some point you have to go beyond surviving and turn around and face the problem,” she said. “Sometimes action is necessary. We realized we couldn’t count on Karma to right all the wrongs women suffer at the hands of men. We needed to help Karma along. We had to find the courage to act to make things better for all women. And we did that.”
“Mom! Mom, I need help,” Carina shouted from downstairs. “This DVD is stuck. It won’t play.”
Hana jumped up and turned toward the stairs. “I’ll be right there, Carina,” she yelled down. She turned to me. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.” then she disappeared down the stairs.
I sat quietly, reflecting on what I had learned from Hana. Sabrina—whom I noted Hana consistently described in the present tense—is or was a hard worker, responsible, caring, a loyal friend and parent who sacrificed her own needs to help others. But as Gayle had divulged a couple of days ago in my office and Hana had implied today, the joy had somehow gone out of Moxie, especially for Sabrina.
“I only have a few minutes left. Are we getting closer to trying to contact Sabrina?” I jumped at Hana’s words. She had come silently back up the stairs and was standing on the other side of the coffee table.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “Can you tell me what happened at the gathering in the mountains and what you think happened to Sabrina?”
Hana dropped down onto a large floor pillow across the table from me and tilted her head to one side. “What do I think happened to her? I think she worried too much and took too much responsibility for balancing an inharmonious situation, which brought out the self-righteous aspect of a six. This led her away from her destiny and she can’t find her way back.”
“Are you saying that metaphorically or practically?”
“Both, I suppose.”
“Does that mean you think she’s still alive and lost?”
“I think she’s alive. I don’t know about lost.”
Chapter 9
“Moxie was just what I needed for most of the last seven years, but I’m done with it now,” Lark Dove said, shaking her head so emphatically that her long blonde hair almost dipped into her bowl of soup. Because Lark lives in Nederland forty-five minutes up the canyon from Boulder, we were meeting at Breadworks, a bakery cafe near the hospital where she works as a nurse. It was late Thursday afternoon just before Lark’s twelve-hour shift and the cafe was pretty much deserted, except for staff cleaning up after the lunch crowd.
I leaned forward to hear her over the clatter of cutlery and plates. “I had decided to drop out even before Sabrina disappeared,” she continued. “One thing you should know about me is that I think for myself. I don’t let other people make decisions for me. But somehow every time I was ready to tell the others I was leaving Moxie, Sabrina talked me into staying one more week to see if things changed the way she hoped they would. Now that she’s gone, I don’t see Moxie in my future.” She sat back, arms crossed, as if waiting for me to challenge her decision.
But I had no interest in questioning her plan to leave Moxie. I just wanted to keep her talking about Sabrina. I kept my face and voice impassive. “What was Sabrina hoping would change?”
Lark dipped a chunk of crusty bread in her white bean soup, took a bite, and chewed slowly before she responded. “Some members went off on a crusade that others of us don’t totally agree with or support,” she said, rolling her shiny blue eyes. “They have this strong feeling that Moxie is here for a reason they need to act on. We all believe in taking conscious action to be a creative force instead of a victim in your life, but their actions have gone too far.” She shook her head dismissively.
Confusing. I had no idea what she meant. But her eye rolling and head shaking signaled defensiveness. I spooned some chicken noodle soup into my mouth and considered how to prod her into being more specific without making her clam up. Given what Hana and Gayle had said about Moxie’s confidentiality code, I figured she’d back off if I pushed for details. I decided to explore her feelings about Moxie first, and then work my way up to more sensitive topics. “It sounds like you’re clear that you wouldn’t miss the group,” I said.
She looked down at her soup as she crumbled some bread into her bowl. “No. I wouldn’t miss it. I’m pretty much an individualist, not one to join groups. Like I said, I think for myself. My parents were hippies in the 1960s and basically still are. They raised me and my brothers in the mountains as self-sufficient free spirits, always outside, hiking, biking, climbing, and skiing. I like to do my own thing.”
I spread some butter on a cranberry muffin as I decided what to ask next. Lark dug into a large salad of mixed field greens. “I’m not much of a group person myself,” I said. “So I’m wondering how you happened to join the Moxie group.”
Lark looked off to her left as she finished chewing, then turned back to me. “I joined Moxie mostly because of Sabrina,” she said. “I met her at work—we were both nurses at the hospital— and we started eating together in the cafeteria when we were on the same shift. She was so cheerful and sincere and kept going on about this great group of strong single moms. And I was a single mom. My son Darby was two then. His father and I had a free and open relationship. Never married. Neither one of us wanted to be tied down.”
This relationship sounded familiar. I could certainly relate to those feelings of not wanting to be tied down. Wonder how that worked out for her and Darby.
“Are Darby and his dad close?” I asked hopefully.
“No. Jacob said he would stay around and be a dad, but when Darby was a year old, Jacob got this great opportunity to travel with a band—he plays bass—and he never came back. That’s why Moxie appealed to me. I was feeling kind of lonely and the idea of a group of independent women friends who were all single moms sounded good.”
I felt a jolt of empathy for Lark as my own possible future flashed before my eyes. What if Pablo decided to go off again like he did years ago? Could I be a good enough mother to my baby if I was alone? Would I be like Lark— a lonely single mom looking for supportive friends? “That must have been awful having him leave you and Darby like that,” I said softly.
Lark shrugged. “Not as bad as it sounds. I have a good job and a lot of support. That’s one reason I still live in Nederland. My mom and dad are there and they help out a lot with Darby. By working three twelves, I have plenty of time to spend with Darby and time for climbing and skiing.”
This woman did sound like someone who knew her own mind and acted accordingly. But yet, she let Sabrina influence her. Why? “If you were clear about leaving the group, how did Sabrina keep talking you into staying in Moxie?” I asked.
; Before she could answer, the front door opened, letting in a gust of cold air and a group of five women, all about our age. They waved and smiled at Lark. “Nurses,” Lark said softly as she waved back at them. “I can’t talk anymore here. Are you up for a short walk?”
It was only about 4:45, but the sun had already set being that it was mid-December and close to the foothills. Walking along the storefronts of the small shopping center in the cold and the dark didn’t sound very appealing, but I wanted the rest of the story, so I agreed. We got our jackets on, took our dishes to the bin, and headed outside. “Where were we?” she asked.
I was already shivering in the cold wind but Lark didn’t seem to notice the temperature at all as she strode along. I hustled to keep up, hand in my pockets. “You were telling me what Sabrina said to keep you in Moxie,” I said.
“Right. She’d remind me of the powerful friendship we’d all shared over the years, how we’d been there for each other when we went through bad relationships, sick kids, career crises, and other stuff like that.” Lark sighed deeply. “Sabrina and I have always been close, working together and all. She has a way of reaching my soul, like she knows me in ways most people don’t. Somehow I find myself going along with her even when that wasn’t my original plan.”
We’d reached the end of the sidewalk already, so we turned back in the direction we came from. By then I was too cold to focus. I hated to wimp out, but my car ahead promised warmth. “Let’s go sit in my car and talk,” I said. “I’ll turn on the heat.”
She gave me a puzzled look. “Oh, are you cold? Sorry, I didn’t realize.”
Once we were inside my Toyota and I relaxed into the warmth, we picked up the conversation. “Does Sabrina have this irresistible effect on all the group members?”
“Sometimes, but sometimes not. Who else have you met with from Moxie so far?”
“Gayle and Hana.”
“Did they talk much about the problems the group was having?”
“They both told me the group had changed direction in some ways that Sabrina especially didn’t like, and wanted to change. But they didn’t give any details. They said Moxie has a confidentiality code that specifically prohibits talking to other people about what goes on in the group.” I took a deep breath, then plunged in. “As a therapist, I certainly understand confidentiality, and I would keep your secrets if you’d be willing to tell me more.”
Lark pressed her lips together, then lifted her chin and spoke in a slightly strained voice. “Okay. I’m not afraid to rock the boat. I’ll tell you more about Moxie. The group is over now anyway, so its secrets don’t really matter except for the ones that can incriminate specific members. But I won’t betray people by telling you things that implicate them.”
“I really only need to know about stuff that affected Sabrina. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing about that can help.”
“Well, Sabrina had the vision for Moxie in the beginning. She and Gayle brought us together. All of us were fed up with being victims, so we didn’t want to sit around sharing our miserable stories of how we’d let men walk all over us. Sabrina kept reminding us of Oprah’s belief that your life is defined by your intention—that what you put out comes back to you.”
I’m not an Oprah watcher, but that sounded positive to me. It’s always better to move forward rather than obsessing over past injuries. “How did that work out for you?” I asked.
“Pretty well at first. Going on that path, we plowed through exercises from stacks of self-help books, and explored different spiritual paths and practices. One idea that kept emerging was ‘concentrate your efforts on what you can control.’ We got that this was about being good parents, taking care of our physical bodies, building or growing our careers, and looking forward with enthusiasm. Sabrina loved all of that and so did I.”
“But that all changed at some point?”
“Yes, gradually Moxie turned sour. Some members wanted to get revenge against exes who had treated them like shit. These guys had lied and cheated, then denied everything when they got caught. Never apologized. Showed no remorse. Some of the Moxie members started thinking about the memories of these bad old relationships as clutter they needed to get rid of in their lives, the way feng shui gets rid of clutter in a room. They decided that getting revenge was a healthy way to clear their minds and build their personal power.”
Hmmm…feng shui. That might be Hana. I still wanted more detail about these bad old relationships. “What kind of stuff had these guys done? Can you give me an example?”
Lark paused for a minute, leaning back, eyes closed. Then she straightened up and looked at me. “Okay. One ex was sleeping with someone else when his wife was pregnant, and blamed her for not being affectionate enough. This was when she was working sixty hours a week to support them both because he was unemployed. He spent money on whatever he wanted and told her it was none of her business what he did. He said she was nosey. Sometimes he hit her, but she stayed with him because she wanted them to be a family. When it got worse and she finally saved some money and decided to leave him, he found it and took it. Then she found out she was pregnant again. She decided to stay. She tried to get along with him but he found every excuse he could to have a tantrum and leave the house. Sometimes he stayed away for days. It took her another year to come up with the money to take the kids and leave. She’s been really bitter about the whole thing.”
“What did Moxie do to get revenge on guys like him?”
“They found out how to set up websites in a way that hides the owner’s identity. Then they started creating sites about these guys telling what they had done in the past. They kept their own names out of it, but they told the truth. They used keywords so the search engines would pick up the sites and they’d come up if anyone googled the guy. Apparently it’s not illegal as long as you’re telling the truth, but it sure sends out a lot of negative energy.”
“Is that what you and Sabrina were upset about?”
“We weren’t happy about that stuff, but it was nothing compared to what came after it. Some Moxie members made it their mission to punish men who mistreat women. They made themselves the judges—kind of a warped worldview. It’s risky and it’s wrong and Sabrina was determined to change it. But that’s all I can say about it, and I need to get to work.”
She opened the car door and got out, leaving me sitting there wondering why Tyler had told me not to let Moxie blow it. It sounded like they already had.
Chapter 10
When I got home from my meeting with Lark, I had a sudden urge to start a painting of the Moxie women. I headed out my back door to my studio in the stone carriage house remodeled by my grandmother years ago. It’s where I learned to paint in the peaceful summer mornings I spent there with Gramma during my childhood and teenage years.
I hadn’t been doing much painting in the last couple of months, partly because since my pregnancy the smells of the pigments and thinners made me sick. But I was feeling good and I had a strong vision of how I wanted to portray the complex women as individuals and as a group. I knew painting them would help me get in touch with my subconscious insights about these multifaceted women.
The Moxie members began to take shape as a pack of sleek panthers, elegant and strong, each with the face of one of the women in the group. I painted the faces to sharply contrast the women’s most distinct traits: Hana’s analytical impassiveness, Gayle’s vivid intensity, Lark’s confident independence, Paige’s earnest inclusiveness, and Diana’s forceful confrontation. As the painting came together, I sensed their individual strengths contributing to the group energy but fragmenting it at the same time.
I was deeply absorbed when my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but decided to pick up in case it was one of the Moxie members wanting to change an appointment.
“Cleo Sims.”
“Hi, Cleo. This is Brandi Peyton. I’m Sabrina Larson’s sister and I really need to talk to you.” Her warm friendly voice drew
me in immediately.
But wait—this was Brandi. The sister Hana had called an ungrateful brat. The sister Gayle had said Sabrina didn’t want taking care of Ian. But then again, also the sister Maria had said she and Ian think is hilarious and fun to be around. Another complicated woman added to the mix.
I kept my voice neutral and gave no indication that I’d heard anything about her. “Oh, hello, Brandi. I’m sorry for what you must be going through with Sabrina being missing.”
“It’s important to stay positive. I still believe we’ll find her alive. That’s what I want to talk to you about.”
“Sure. Would you like to make an appointment to come into my office? I think I have an opening at 11:00 tomorrow. Would that work for you?”
“Maybe,” she sad tentatively. “But I need to ask you a few things right now. This is a difficult time for me and for Sabrina’s son Ian, and I’m afraid you’re going to make it worse. Are you setting up some kind of séance for Gayle Winfield to contact Sabrina’s spirit?”
“Brandi, I know this is a hard time for you and I certainly don’t want to make it worse. And, no, I don’t do séances.”
“But you do help people get in touch with spirits of the dead, right?”
“Sometimes.”
“How does it work?”
“That’s way too complicated to explain over the phone, Brandi. But I’ll be happy to explain it to you if you’d like to come in to my office.”
“Is Gayle going to do it?” Her voice rose insistently.
“That’s confidential. I can’t talk to you about what I’m doing to help other people.”
“So you are helping her. I knew it. Well, you should know Gayle is using you. She says Sabrina made a will appointing her as Ian’s guardian and trustee. She’s desperate to show that Sabrina is dead so she can get that will into court.”
Whew! Brandi sure was working hard to suck me in to the conversation she wanted to have. But as a therapist I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with manipulation. She wasn’t going to lure me into discussing her problems over the phone.
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