For sure I wanted to see that plan. This could be the breakthrough we’d been waiting for. I called her back and arranged for her to bring the plan to my office at 2:00, which gave me time to go home, grab some lunch, and get down there.
Paige showed up promptly at 2:00, waving a small red spiral notebook. “Here it is,” she said. “Like I said, I found it in her locker.”
“What made you decide to look in Sabrina’s locker?” I asked. “And why hadn’t the police already checked it?”
“I’m sure no one thought about checking her yoga locker,” Paige said. “I know I didn’t. But today I had some extra time at my studio because of classes cancelled due to the snow, so I was cleaning out old abandoned lockers for the new year. The lockers are rented by the month, but some people stop paying, go off and leave locks on lockers, and never come back to claim their stuff. So I have them sign a contract in advance that includes a statement saying if they haven’t paid for three months without making arrangements with me, I will cut off the locks and remove the contents.”
“So you decided to cut off Sabrina’s lock too?”
“Exactly. When I came to her locker, I thought—hey maybe there’s something in there that could help us find her. I didn’t really think there would be, but I figured that if she comes back, she’ll understand why I’d cut her lock off to check. So I did. And there was this notebook. Take a look.”
Paige handed me the notebook. I opened it to the first page. There it was. Sabrina’s handwritten thirty-day plan.
My 30-Day Plan
Sabrina Larson
November 1
Next week I turn forty—a major milestone that will be the beginning of my new life. It’s time to make some major changes. I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. I’m not the person I was in my twenties. Back then I spent a lot of time depressed, broke, floundering, trying to make screwed up relationships work, trying to be the person I desperately wanted to be. My thirties were better, but I still made a lot of mistakes, especially by naively trusting people who were using me to further their own causes.
I take care of people. It’s what I do. It’s in my DNA. I’m a nurse. I’ve taken care of my sister Brandi practically all my life. And my friends rely on me to be the strong one, the careful one, the responsible one. And I am. I’m always there to give and give, expecting very little in return.
And men. Men have used me. I break up with them, but they beg me to come back. I feel so guilty, I can’t say no. I go back, and guess what? Nothing changes. By the time I finally break up for good with one of those jerks, I’m wrung as dry as an old washcloth. I always vow to never again get myself into that situation again, but somehow I do.
For years Diana has been telling me I’m codependent. Deep down, I know she’s right. I like to be needed. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. And I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. But I’m tired of following other people’s lead. I’m tired of feeling used. I’m going to change my life.
Now, on the doorstep of age forty, I feel calmer, more experienced, more competent. I’m ready to toughen up, stand up for myself, and be a friend to myself first.
I plan to celebrate my fortieth birthday with a Moxie getaway retreat, which will be the beginning of my new life. I’ve already taken some steps by telling people in my life what has to change in my relationships with them.
I’ve made this 30-day plan to give them the opportunity to make changes on their own. Some of them are involved in illegal and unethical activities. Others are using me to make their own lives easier. They think that because I care about them, I won’t act against them. But I will. I have to. If they continue as they are, there will be consequences.
Here is what I’ve told each of them so far. I’m writing it here as a record for myself of what I’ve said to them. I’ll put this notebook in a safe place where none of them is likely to accidentally run across it.
Hana and Diana: You crossed the line in exacting retribution. Your vigilantism is not only unethical, it’s illegal. By standing by and letting this go on, I feel tainted and dishonest. It’s over. You have thirty days to take down your website and compensate your victims, or I will post details of your cyber-crime along with your names and contact information all over the internet.
Paige: I admire your devotion to your brother, but if you choose to support him, you need to do it on your own. A year ago, I loaned you money for what you said was an emergency. You said you’d pay me back quickly, but you haven’t, even though you seem to have money for vacations and a new car. I’ve let that go by, but now I’m asking you to repay that loan within the next 30 days.
Lark: You took an oath. You are violating it. You have 30 days to make a change or I will report you to the state board of nursing.
Brandi: I’ve coddled you too long. It’s time for you to become a self-sufficient adult. You have 30 days to move out of my house and find a way to support yourself. If you choose to ignore this warning, I will take steps to force you out.
Ian: You’ve been neglecting your schoolwork and expecting me to give you a pass on that so you can put all your energy into snowboarding competitions. But I need to step up as a mother and make you consider your future beyond riding. You have 30 days to improve your grades or I will seriously curtail the amount of time you spend riding.
Erik: You’re harassing me. There’s a reason I broke up with you. I don’t trust you and at this point I don’t even like you. I’m not even going to give you 30 days. Stop calling me, stop contacting me in any way at all, or I will give the police and anyone else who is interested any information I have that will help them track you down.
Getting my relationships straightened out is the beginning. From there I’ll take care of myself and Ian, but others in my life won’t be leaning on me. Caring will always be part of my life, but only a part. I plan to leave nursing. It’s not as rewarding as it used to be. I can afford to take some career risks. And I have the confidence to try new paths. Turning 40 will be about freedom, being true to myself, letting myself be who I am.
Chapter 27
I closed the red notebook and wiped the tears from my eyes. My heart ached for Sabrina. “After all that self-examination, goal-setting, and planning, she didn’t get a chance to implement any of it,” I said shaking my head as I looked over at Paige.
“I know,” she said, her voice quivering. “I cried when I read it, too. She was so open about her past vulnerability and so determined to start fresh in her forties, and then …” She stopped, closed her eyes and took several deep breaths before she opened them again. “But maybe she’s still alive. We don’t know for sure. Maybe she can still have that new life that she planned.”
I wanted that chance for Sabrina. Or at least I wanted justice for her. I cared about her now in a deeply personal way. A surge of determination energized me. “We have to find out what happened to her,” I said. “She deserves that. Let’s call Gayle and get her over here to help us decide what to do next.”
“Why Gayle?”
“Because she’s not mentioned in the plan, so whatever happened to Sabrina, she probably wasn’t responsible. Plus she’s the one who got me involved in trying to find Sabrina. And she’s Sabrina’s best friend, the one she wants to raise Ian if something happens to her.”
§ § §
Twenty minute later, Gayle dashed in, face flushed, eyes wide. “You have it? Omigod I can’t believe it. Let me read it. I have to read it right now.”
Paige handed her the notebook. We watched in silence as Gayle sat on the couch turning pages with a dazed look on her face. As she read, she alternately gasped, nodded, slapped her hand against her cheek, or shook her head “no” and then “yes.” When she finished, she looked up with an incredulous stare. “Sabrina never told me this stuff,” she said softly. “She did talk about forty being a milestone and wanting to make some changes, but not this, not these ultimatums. She says she felt used. Was sh
e angry? You’re in the plan, Paige. Was Sabrina angry when she told you she wanted you to pay her back in thirty days?”
“No,” Paige said. “She was clear and determined, but I didn’t get any sense of anger from her. But it’s not like she’d been pushing me for the money. This was the first time she’d asked and I promised her she’d have her money in thirty days like she wanted. But she might have felt differently about some of the others. It sounds like she’d been asking them to change, but getting nowhere, and she was losing patience. She might have been angry with them.”
“Maybe we should think about which of them was likely to have been angry with her,” I said. “Several people in the plan have good reason to want Sabrina to disappear. Who looks most likely?”
“Ha!” Gayle barked. “Brandi’s the one.” Her face hardened. “That irresponsible flake would have been penniless and homeless at the end of Sabrina’s thirty days and now she’s got everything Sabrina owned, or at least she does until there’s actual proof that Sabrina’s dead. She set it all up to keep it looking like Sabrina’s missing. We know she lied about Erik calling her. Who knows what else she’s lying about? I say we go after her and push her until she cracks. She’s not as strong as she pretends to be.”
“I agree,” Paige said, her usually melodic voice taking on a firm tone. “Let’s go see if she’s home.”
§ § §
I was not optimistic about confronting Brandi—figuring she’d just stonewall us—but Gayle and Paige were so insistent that I went along. They also convinced me to go up ahead of them and ring the bell, saying that if she saw them at the door, she might not open it.
After a few minutes, Brandi answered wearing a purple down robe and fuzzy green slippers. No makeup. Messy hair. Very un-Brandi-like. “I’ve been thinking about Erik ever since you called,” she said. “I can’t believe he’s really gone, when he was here just last night. It’s such a shock.”
Gayle and Paige got out of the car and started up the walk behind me. Brandi recoiled when she saw Gayle. “What’s she doing here? You have no right to bring her here.”
Paige stepped up beside me. “I found a notebook Sabrina left at my yoga studio,” she said, smiling warmly. “I think you’ll find it interesting. It has some very important information that might help us find out what happened to her. If you’ll let us come in, we’ll tell you about it.”
Brandi glowered and stood her ground. She pointed at Gayle. “She’s not welcome in my house.”
“Oh put a lid on it, Brandi,” Gayle snapped. “What can I really do to you with Cleo and Paige right here?”
“We just want to talk a little,” I said. “We’re trying to find Sabina and we need your help.”
Brandi backed grudgingly away and let us in. The living room was trashed. Dirty dishes, soft-drink cans and empty chip bags covered the tables. Stacks of what looked like dirty laundry balanced in one corner. “I’ll give you five minutes,” she said, as she gathered up a bunch of papers from the couch so we could sit. “If what you have to say doesn’t interest me by then, you’re out of here.” She sat down in a chair across from us and folded her arms across her chest.
Paige smiled at her again. “Did you know Sabrina had a thirty-day plan to change her life?” she asked.
Brandi glared at us. “She never said anything about that.”
“It was in the notebook I found in Sabrina’s locker,” Paige said.
“Why would I believe you bunch of liars know more about my sister than I do?” Brandi said with a sneer.
Gayle lost what little cool she had, jumped up and stood in front of Brandi, legs planted wide. I shuddered as angry words erupted from her mouth like lava from a volcano, but it was too late to stop her.
“It’s a real plan that Sabrina made and you’re a big part of it,” Gayle said pointing at Brandi. “Sabrina said she gave you thirty days to move out and find a way to support yourself. Now isn’t it just too convenient that Sabrina is missing and you’ve got control of her money.”
Any hope of a rational conversation with Brandi was over at that point and I knew it. But I watched transfixed for another couple of minutes as the vitriol continued.
Brandi jumped up facing Gayle. “I’ve had enough from you,” she screamed. “Get out and stay away from me, or I promise you I’ll file a harassment suit against you so fast it will make your head swim. And if you think you can get Ian away from me, think again. I’ll find Ian’s dad and have him file for guardianship and that will leave you up shit creek.”
Then she turned her attention to us, waving her arms wildly. “And you,” she said, pointing accusingly at Paige. “What were you doing going in Sabrina’s locker? You have no right. Any property of hers that you found belongs to Ian and me. So hand it over or I’ll sue your ass too.”
Before she could turn her wrath on me, I stood up and looked her directly in the eyes. “Enough, Brandi,” I said firmly. “We hear you. We hoped to get your cooperation, but clearly that’s not an option. So we’ll go.”
I could only hope that Gayle and Paige would follow me to the door, and fortunately they did. We all ignored Brandi’s shouts. “Give me that notebook right now. It’s not yours to keep. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.” She threw a couple of soft-drink cans at us as we went out. They clattered down the walk behind us.
§ § §
Back in my office, we congratulated ourselves on our decision to leave the notebook locked safely in my office when we went to Brandi’s. “If one of us had it in our hands, that bitch would have gotten it away and destroyed it for sure,” Gayle said.
“Well that didn’t happen,” I said. “But nothing useful happened either.”
“Sorry,” Gaye said. “I screwed up. I thought we could crack her, but I went at her too hard and too fast.”
“Never mind,” I said. “Getting information from her was always a long shot. Let’s move on.” We sat silently for several minutes. Then I knew what we had to do. “Paige, I think you should go into my apparition chamber and try to reach Sabrina,” I said.
Paige blanched. “So you think Sabrina is dead?”
I looked at Gayle who was looking down at her feet. “I think she must be,” I said, “because Gayle reached her spirit in the chamber two days ago.”
Paige gasped. “Gayle! You contacted Sabrina? Why didn’t you tell us? What did she say?”
Gayle squirmed and rubbed the back of her neck, continuing to look down. She looked like she had swallowed something slimy.
“Gayle,” Paige said softly. “Was it so upsetting that you can’t even talk about it? Maybe Cleo can tell me.” She turned to me. “What did Sabrina say to Gayle?”
I sat back and let a minute go by. “It’s not for me to tell,” I said. “It’s up to Gayle whether she wants to share what happened.”
Gayle sat up straight, arms crossed over her chest. She stared at me and took a deep breath. “Okay, Cleo,” she almost whispered. “I think you know what I’m going to say next. I didn’t actually contact Sabrina. You knew that all the time, didn’t you?”
“What?” Paige asked, tilting her head to the side. “Why would you lie about that, Gayle?”
“It was the only way I could think of to undercut Brandi’s story that Sabrina is missing, but alive,” Gayle said.
I wasn’t surprised at Gayle’s lie—only a little surprised that she admitted it with so little prodding.
“That’s what I figured,” I said. “You thought if you pretended to contact Sabrina’s spirit everyone would believe she’s dead and by the terms of her will, you’d have control of Ian and Sabrina’s estate.”
“That’s right,” Gayle said, her voice flat. “But afterwards I couldn’t go ahead with it. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone else. I don’t want Sabrina to be dead. I want to be thinking positively, to have my intention be that she’s still alive.” She bent forward again, covering her face with her hands.
Paige wrapped her arms around Gayle. “It’s
alright, Gayle,” she said soothingly. “This is a terrible time for all of us and we’re all cracking a little under the stress. But if you and Cleo think I should go in the chamber and try to reach Sabrina, I’m ready.”
Chapter 28
An hour later, Paige stumbled out of the apparition chamber, pale and trembling. “We have to go back,” she said, her voice choked with tears. “All of us. Back to Indian Peaks.” She stood shakily in the middle of the room, staring past us, blinking as if a spotlight shone in her face.
Her stunned look told me she had contacted someone in the apparition chamber, and the experience had deeply shocked her. I walked slowly toward her and put my arm around her shoulders. “Rest for a minute,” I said, guiding her toward a chair. “Then tell us what happened.”
Paige twitched and shook free of me. “No,” she said, her eyes darting around the room. “We can’t waste time resting. We need to get all the Moxie members together and go up there now.” She darted out to the waiting room.
I followed. She was already pulling on her boots when I got out there. She kept getting the left boot twisted on her foot, shaking her foot to get it off, and trying again with jerky hands. Her agitation worried me. I could see she was in an altered state after her contact session. I couldn’t let her drive into the mountains in this blizzard. I stood in front of her, took hold of her shoulders and pulled her to face me. “Paige, stop,” I said firmly. “Think for a minute. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon in December. It’s already dark in the mountains and we’ve just had a blizzard. You wouldn’t be able to get to the campground, and even if you did, it would be too cold and snowy to do anything.”
She stared blankly at me. Then her face crumpled and she began to sob. “Sabrina is dead,” she wailed. “And she told me to bring Moxie back together up there. I have to do it.”
I put my arms around her and hugged her as she sobbed on my shoulder. I wasn’t surprised that Paige had reacted strongly and viscerally to the contact session. A creative, spiritually-attuned person like her can easily let go of inhibitions and relax into an experience.
Lynn Osterkamp - Cleo Sims 03 - Too Many Secrets Page 16
