Gertrude, Gumshoe Cozy Mystery Series Box Set: Books 1, 2, and 3

by Robin Merrill

  “What is your name?” Hale asked.

  “Akayla Malone.”

  “And what’s your relationship to Samantha Cooper?”

  “I’m her roommate. I’m the one who told you where the car was.”

  “OK, well, we’re going to have to ask you a few questions too. Can you come with Andy to the office?”

  Akayla groaned and folded her arms across her chest.

  “What are you going to do for a ride?” Andy asked Gertrude.

  “Don’t you worry your handsome little head. I’ll just call Norm.”

  Norman was one of the drivers of the CAP bus (a van provided by Community Action Program). Gertrude didn’t know if he was on duty at the moment, but she hoped. She dialed the familiar number to ask for a ride, and sure enough, it was Norman who pulled into the parking lot.

  “That’s a lot of blue lights,” Norman said as Gertrude heaved herself into the van. “What have you got yourself mixed up in now, Gertrude?”

  She pulled her walker into the van behind her and then slammed the door. “Norm, I’m happy to share with you that I officially have my first paying client.”

  Norman glanced at her in the rearview. “Has he actually paid you anything yet?”

  “Norm! Don’t be nasty. His girlfriend’s missing.”

  “Missing? Wow, so it’s like a real case?” Norman pulled out onto Route 201.

  “Of course it’s a real case. Real as crunchy peanut butter. And yes, she’s missing. Hasn’t been seen since she left work yesterday at six. She had the name Patsy on her fancy calendar app for six-thirty. Do you know anyone named Patsy?”

  Norman appeared to be thinking it over. “I don’t think so. Nothing comes to mind except Patsy Cline.”

  “Well, I doubt ole Patsy is snatching young women off the street. That's just Crazy.” She laughed at her joke.

  Norman either didn’t get the reference or just didn’t think it was funny.

  “Norm, you ever heard of VardSale?”

  Norman chuckled. “Yeah. My daughter-in-law is kind of obsessed with it. Apparently you can buy and sell just about anything on there. She claims to have made a lot of money selling ‘décor.’ I don’t know what décor is, or how she makes so much of it, but apparently, it sells like hotcakes.”

  “Hmm … that’s fascinating, Norm. Could you ask her for me if she’s ever dealt with anyone named Patsy?”

  “Sure. You want me to do it right now?”

  “You mean call her?”

  “Well, she’s not in the van, so yes, I would use a telephone. But I’ll have to pull over. It’s against the rules to drive and use the phone at the same time. You in a hurry?”

  “Nah. Go for it.”

  Norman pulled the CAP bus into the dollar store parking lot. Gertrude had the urge to jump out and go shop, but she didn’t want to miss the conversation.

  “Hey, Melody, it’s Norm ... Yeah, I’m good, thanks ... No, it’s much better now. Hey, I’ve got a friend here who wanted me to ask you if you’ve ever dealt with anyone on VardSale named Patsy—”

  “Put it on speaker phone,” Gertrude said.

  “Hey, hang on, Melody, I’m going to put you on speaker.” He pressed a button. “OK, so as I was saying. You know anyone from VardSale named Patsy?”

  “Pelotte,” Gertrude said. “Tell her Pelotte.”

  “Patsy Pelotte,” Norman repeated.

  “No, I don’t think so. I’ve dealt with so many women though. Maybe if I could see a picture?”

  Gertrude shook her head at Norman. “Her profile’s been deleted. If she’s the kidnapper, she probably wouldn’t have posted a photo anyway—”

  “Kidnapper?” Melody practically shrieked. “What’s going on?”

  Norman gave Gertrude a disappointed look. “No, no, Melody, don’t worry. My friend here has a flare for the dramatic. We don’t know if anyone has been kidnapped. We’re just looking for someone.”

  “OK, well don’t expect VardSale to help. I called them once because I accidentally deleted a phone number that I needed for a buyer, and they wouldn’t help me at all. Went on and on about respecting their users’ privacy. Not that they would know anything about ‘Patsy’ anyway, if that’s even her real name. Anyone can make an account in like two seconds. The best they could probably find is an IP address, and I doubt they’d give it to you.”

  “OK, well, thanks, Melody. I’ve got to get back on the road. But you be extra careful with these VardSale deals, OK? Make sure you always meet in a well-lit area, with lots of people around. You hear me?”

  “You bet, Pops. And if you know anyone who needs décor—”

  “I know, I know, send them to you. Bye bye now.” Norman hung up the phone. “Sorry, that wasn’t much help.”

  Gertrude scrunched up her face. “What in tarnation is an IP address?”

  4

  Norman started to slow the van down in front of Gertrude’s trailer.

  “Actually, Norm, can you take me two doors down? To Calvin’s place?”

  Norman gave her a suggestive look she didn’t care for. “You been consortin’ with Old Man Crow?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I just need his computer. And his air conditioning.”

  “OK then. Here you go.”

  “Thanks, Norm.”

  Gertrude climbed the few steps to Calvin’s door and then pounded on it.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming, hold your horses,” Calvin hollered, and then ripped the door open.

  “Ah,” Gertrude exclaimed, stepping inside. “That cold air feels good.”

  “Don’t you have an air conditioner, Gert? This is the twenty-first century.”

  “I have several air conditioners. But none of them are working right now.” Gertrude plopped onto the sofa and put one foot on Calvin’s coffee table.

  “Have a seat,” Calvin said to Gertrude.

  “Thanks, but I already did,” Gertrude said, honestly confused. “So, we’ve got a case.”

  “A-yuh,” Calvin said doubtfully.

  “No, a real one. As in someone is paying me. You remember Andy, the janitor from the strip club?”

  “The one you claimed was from Cambodia?”

  Gertrude frowned. “I don’t remember saying that. But we’ve only met one strip club janitor. Anyway, he has hired me to find his missing girlfriend.”

  Calvin smoothed out his pants and sat down. “She’s really missing?”

  “Yes. Really. And we need your computer.”

  Calvin heaved a great sigh. “Here we go again. Gertrude, why don’t you get your own computer?”

  “I might have to, you keep giving me so much grief about using yours.”

  Calvin stood back up and crossed the room to his computer desk. He jiggled the mouse, bringing the screen to life. “What do you need?”

  “I think we need to create a VardSale account.”

  “VardSale? What’s that?”

  “Near as we can tell, it’s a buy and sell website, like Uncle Henry’s, only online,” Gertrude explained.

  “Uncle Henry’s is online,” Calvin said.

  “So I’ve heard. Anyway. Just type it in—V-A-R-D-S-A-L-E,” she spelled.

  “OK,” he said. “I’m here. Now why am I here?”

  Gertrude got up and hobbled toward him. “The last thing we know about Samantha’s—she’s the missing girl—schedule is that she was supposed to meet someone named Patsy Pelotte from this website, to buy a pair of sneakers. Her car is still at the meeting place, but she isn’t. She hasn’t been seen since, that we know of.” She winced and shifted her weight to the other foot.

  “You all right?” Calvin asked.

  “Yep. Just a little back pain is all.”

  “You want some ibuprofen?” he offered.

  “Nah, don’t need any of that stuff fogging up my mind.”

  “Oh yeah.” Calvin laughed. “Your mind is sharp as a tack.”

  “All right,” Gertrude said, pointing her chin at the
screen and ignoring his jab, “right there it says ‘Join now.’ Click it.”

  “My, my, aren’t we bossy today?” he said, and clicked the button.

  “Either type my name into the box, or get up so I can,” Gertrude said.

  Calvin looked up at her, but this means he only looked up a few inches, as she was barely taller than him when he was seated. “Are you sure you want to use your real name? What’s the plan here?”

  “Not sure. I think best on the fly—”

  Calvin snorted.

  “What?” Gertrude asked defensively.

  “You think you think best on the fly, because you don’t ever try to think pre-flight.”

  Gertrude frowned. “That didn’t make any sense, Calvin. Now, as I was saying, I don’t really have a plan yet. But you’re right. Better not use my name. Old Patsy, or whoever she is, might recognize my name as the local gumshoe.”

  Calvin laughed again. “Good point. OK, what’s your alias then?”

  “Oooo, an alias. Like a code name! I’ve always wanted to need a code name.” She thought for a minute. “And I’ve always wanted to be named Hazel.”

  “Hazel. Of course. How youthful.”

  “Really? You think Hazel's youthful?” Gertrude was delighted.

  Calvin shook his head. “Hazel what?”

  “Hazel Green?”

  Calvin looked up at her. “Don’t you think that sounds a little fake?”

  “I know!” Gertrude snickered. “Hazel Hale!”

  Calvin shook his head. “Nope. She might actually recognize that name. We don’t want her to think you’re a cop’s grandmother.”

  “I’m not old enough to be Hale’s grandmother! Are you bonkers?”

  Calvin looked at her thoughtfully. “Gertrude, I know this is impolite to ask, but …” He hesitated.

  “But what?”

  “Well, one can’t help but wonder, just how old are you?”

  Gertrude scowled.

  “I mean, it is just a little unusual. Because you don’t look very old, but you act …” He hesitated again.

  “I act what?”

  “You know what? Never mind. Where were we?” He looked at the computer. “Ah yes, your new last name.”

  Gertrude was still scowling. “You pick. Make it youthful so it will match Hazel.”

  Calvin didn’t say anything. He just typed Hazel Walker into the field. Then it asked for her zip code. He entered it. Two green buttons appeared. Sell or shop. Calvin looked up at her. “Which one?”

  Gertrude didn’t even hesitate. “Shop.” Calvin clicked the button, and the page filled with secondhand goodies. Gertrude scanned the wares. “How do you show you want to buy something?”

  Calvin scrolled down. “There’s a button below each item.” He pointed at one. It said, “Set up a meet.”

  “All right then. Let’s set up some meets. Then we’ll ask people if they know anyone named Patsy.”

  Calvin looked impressed. “That’s actually a pretty good idea, Gert.”

  “I know.”

  “So what do you want to buy?”

  “Go down again,” Gertrude said. He scrolled. Then she said, “There!” so loudly he jumped in his chair.

  “Easy, Gert. You’re right in my ear, you know. Now, which one of these pieces of rubbish has you all shook up?”

  “There,” she said, “that cast iron cat doorstop!”

  Calvin chuckled. “Of course. Gertrude, that hunk of junk is twenty bucks. Don’t you want to find something cheaper?”

  “No, really. I’ve been looking for another one of those. Besides, I can dicker. Click on it, quick, before someone else does.”

  “I doubt there’s going to be a mad rush.” Calvin clicked. It opened up a message box. He looked at Gertrude. “Now what?”

  She scowled. “Not sure. Now I guess I send a message to the buyer? Type, ‘Hi, I’m Gertrude.’”

  “You mean Hazel? And I don’t think we need to chitchat. The button said ‘Set up a meet,’ so let’s offer a meeting place and time.”

  “All right, then. How about my trailer ...” Gertrude looked around for a clock. “What time is it?”

  “Time’s right there on the screen, Gertrude,” Calvin said, pointing to the bottom corner of the monitor. It read four o’clock.

  “No wonder I’m hungry. How about four-thirty?”

  “I think we need to give her more of a warning than that, Gert. Not everyone is just sitting around in their trailer waiting for something to happen.”

  “But I’m going to give her some cold, hard cash! That should get her up and moving! How about five o’clock then?”

  Calvin sighed. “All right, we can offer that. But I don’t think we should say your trailer. Let’s meet somewhere public, somewhere neutral.”

  “Does that mean you’re going to give me a ride?”

  “Have you acquired a car since I’ve last seen you?”

  “No.”

  “Well, then, I guess I’ll give you a ride. Otherwise, you’ll never leave my trailer.”

  5

  Surprisingly, the cast iron cat doorstop owner, whose name was Carol, agreed to meet Calvin and Gertrude in the McDonald’s parking lot at five.

  “Hi, I’m Ger—”

  Calvin elbowed her in the ribs.

  “Ow!” she exclaimed. “Ahem. I’m Hazel.”

  “Hi, Hazel. Here’s your cat.” She handed the iron doorstop through her driver’s side window. Gertrude took it and almost dropped it. “Wowsa! That’s a heavy son of a gun. Would you take ten?”

  Carol looked horrified. “No, I won’t take ten! When you set up a VardSale meet, you agree to the price. You want to haggle, you do it online, not once I’ve driven all the way into Mattawooptock!”

  “All right, all right, I’ll give you twenty. Calvin, give her twenty bucks.”

  Calvin looked annoyed, but not necessarily surprised, as he pulled out his wallet.

  “I’m sorry, Carol, I’m new to this VardSale thing.”

  “That’s all right,” Carol said, although it was clear that it wasn’t.

  “Are you?” Gertrude asked.

  “Am I what?”

  “New to VardSale?”

  “No, I’m not new. I’ve been doing this for months now.”

  “Oh. Do you make any money at it?”

  Carol hesitated. “A little. Why?”

  “Oh, I was just thinking about selling some stuff of my own.” She handed the cat to Calvin. “Take this thing, would you? It hurts my back just to hold it. Thing must weigh fifty pounds.”

  Calvin was obviously miffed, but he took the cat and put it in the trunk.

  “All right then. You have a nice day,” Carol said.

  “Wait!” Gertrude cried.

  “What?” Carol asked, startled.

  “Have you ever dealt with anyone named Patsy Pelotte?”

  “No, why?”

  “Just wondering. Have you ever dealt with anyone suspicious, anyone who made you feel a little, well, uncomfortable?”

  “You mean other than you? No.”

  “Well, that was rude!” Gertrude said, appalled.

  Calvin returned to her side then and gave her a look that said, “Calm down!”

  Gertrude tried to ignore him. “Have you seen anything out of the ordinary?” she asked Carol. “Anything at all?”

  “Actually, now that you mention it,” Carol said reluctantly, “something unusual did happen the other day. I was supposed to meet a woman named Martha—”

  “Martha who?” Gertrude interrupted.

  Carol thought. “Martha … Giles. Anyway, I was running late, and she texted me from the parking lot, said she was there, but when I got there, she was gone. And her car was just sitting there. That was pretty weird.”

  “And you didn’t tell anyone?”

  “Who am I going to tell? I didn’t know where she was. I don’t even know her. I just figured she gave up on me.”

  And left her car? What
are the chances of that? “All right then. Where was her car?”

  “At the Catholic church.”

  “Was there anyone else around?” Gertrude asked.

  “No. It’s a popular place for VardSalers to meet. Nice big parking lot, right off the main drag, but no, when I got there, there was no one else around.”

  “All right, then. Look, Carol, I know we got off to a rough start, but can I give you my business card? In case you think of anything else you can tell me?”

  Calvin elbowed Gertrude in the ribs again.

  “Ow!” she exclaimed, and reached into her walker pouch. Then she held out the card. Carol reached out and took it.

  “Gertrude, Gumshoe?” she read, and then looked up at Gertrude, an eyebrow raised.

  “That’s right,” Gertrude said.

  “I thought your name was Hazel.”

  6

  As soon as they were back in Calvin’s car, Gertrude fished out her Android.

  “You calling Hale?” Calvin guessed.

  “Don’t you think I should?”

  “I suppose.”

  “Somerset Sheriff’s Department,” a tired-sounding woman answered.

  “This is Gertrude. I need to speak to Deputy Hale.”

  “Hold, please.”

  “I’m on hold,” Gertrude whispered to Calvin.

  “Congratulations,” Calvin said.

  “Hale here.”

  “Hi, Hale. This is Gertrude. So, I was just talking to someone from VardSale. Her name is Carol, and I met her at McDonald’s to buy a cast iron cat. I offered her ten for it, but—”

  “Gertrude, I’m busy. Do you have a point?”

  “As a matter of fact I do, and I would’ve gotten to it by now if you hadn’t interrupted.” She took a long, deep breath before continuing, “So, as Andy probably told you by now, Samantha was supposed to meet someone from VardSale, someone named Patsy Pelotte. Well, I just met someone else from VardSale, and she was supposed to meet someone named Martha Giles in the Catholic church parking lot, but when she got there, Martha wasn’t there. Just her car was there. Same M.O. as our case.”

  Hale snorted. “Same M.O.?”

  “What? I’ve been watching Hawaii Five-0. I just can’t get enough of Danno. You should watch it. You could learn a lot from him. Anyway, you might want to check it out. The lead, I mean, not Hawaii Five-0. See if you can find Martha Giles.”