Gertrude, Gumshoe Cozy Mystery Series Box Set: Books 1, 2, and 3

by Robin Merrill

  “She’s fine,” Samantha said.

  “Shouldn’t we let her go to the bathroom?” May asked.

  “Seriously?” Samantha said.

  May looked down at Sue, crumpled on the floor. “Well, she just woke up, and we’re going to leave her here, right? All tied up? Shouldn’t we at least let her use the bathroom first?”

  They all stood there silently, looking down at their captor, appearing to think over May’s suggestion.

  “She kidnapped us,” Samantha reminded them.

  “I’ll do it,” Dorothy said. “I used to be a nurse. I’ll take her.” Then she looked at Samantha. “Can you help her up?”

  Samantha rolled her eyes, but she helped Sue up and to the bathroom. Sue and Dorothy wouldn’t both fit into the small room, so they left the door open. All the women turned around, so as to give them some privacy.

  They heard a flush, and then Sue said, “Thank you, dear friends.”

  What an absolute fruitcake, Gertrude thought.

  Samantha helped her sit back down, her back against the wall.

  “Samantha, do we have the van key?” Gertrude asked, eager to get this show on the road.

  Samantha’s brow furrowed. She reached into Sue’s pocket and then her face relaxed with relief. She tossed a set of keys to Gertrude.

  Gertrude tried to catch them, but they bounced off her ample chest and landed on the floor.

  “Good stop,” Samantha said.

  “That’ll be enough out of you, wise guy.” Gertrude grunted as she bent over to retrieve the keys. “Is she tied up tight?”

  Samantha gave the vines a good tug. “Seems to be.”

  “Let’s go then.” Gertrude opened the front door of the cabin and started shooing women outside. “We’ll send you help, Sue,” Gertrude added, and then stepped outside, pulling the door shut behind her.

  The women were standing clustered in the clearing, looking up at Samantha and Gertrude.

  “Let’s go,” Gertrude said.

  “We don’t know which way to go,” Dorothy said.

  “We go north,” Gertrude said. “Just keep the sun to your right.”

  “We can't see the sun,” Dorothy said.

  Oh Mylanta, Gertrude thought in exasperation. “It's right there,” she said, pointing to the brightest area of the dawn sky.

  They started walking. Gertrude turned around to look back every few steps, but there was no one behind them.

  “How far is it?” Samantha asked.

  “Sh, I’m counting.” They walked in silence for several minutes, Gertrude once again longing for her walker, and then she abruptly stopped.

  “What is it?” Samantha stopped too.

  “That’s it. We should be here.” Gertrude looked around. “That was 543 steps.”

  “OK, well then, we’re close. Ladies,”—Samantha turned her attention to the rest of the women—“we are close. Fan out a little and look for the van, but don’t lose sight of one another in the process.” She looked at Gertrude. “It’s OK, Gertrude. You did it. You got us out. We’re almost home free.”

  The women spread out to look. Gertrude sat on a log and kept watch against spiders.

  In just a few minutes, a woman called out, “I found the road!”

  The rest of the women hurried to the sound of her voice, and sure enough, there was the road.

  “Which way?” Deborah asked, panting.

  “That way.” Gertrude pointed.

  “Isn’t that back toward the cabin, though?” Deborah asked, her voice sounding tired and scared.

  “Yes, but it’s also toward the van. You can walk the other way, if you want,” Gertrude said. “We’ll pick you up when we go by.”

  “Can we just wait here?” Deborah asked. “We’re not all young pups like you.”

  Gertrude smiled. “Of course. You girls take a break. We’ll go fetch the van.”

  Gertrude and Samantha headed up the road. “You know,” Samantha muttered, “you can stay here too. I know you miss your walker. I can go get the van.”

  “No way, José. Deborah just called me young.”

  Samantha laughed.

  “You have a pretty laugh, Samantha.”

  “Thank you, Gertrude.”

  They rounded a corner, and there it sat.

  “Tally ho!” Gertrude cried.

  Samantha groaned. “I hate that thing.”

  “Me too,” Gertrude said, and handed her the keys.

  Samantha took them. “You don’t want to drive?”

  Gertrude put her hands on her hips. “Not that it matters on this road, but I don’t exactly have a driver’s license.”

  Samantha frowned. “What kind of a private investigator doesn’t have a driver’s license?”

  15

  It wasn’t easy loading those tired, sore, scared women into the back of a seatless van. One by one, Samantha and Gertrude helped them up and in. Most of them were able to sit on the floor. Ruth said it hurt to sit, so she lay down, resting her head on Martha’s lap.

  Gertrude and Samantha climbed into the front, and Samantha put the keys in the ignition. She turned the key. The van started. Samantha let out a big puff of air.

  “Were you not expecting it to start?”

  Samantha shook her head and put the van in reverse. “I had my doubts. So far this whole escape has seemed a little too good to be true.” The van was pointed in the wrong direction, so Samantha had to do some creative maneuvering to get it turned around in the narrow road, that was really more of a path. Finally, the van was pointed south.

  “And we’re off like a terd of hurdles,” Gertrude said triumphantly.

  “What?” Samantha asked.

  “I said, we’re off like a herd of turtles. It’s an expression.”

  “Except that’s not what you said.”

  Gertrude gave her a dirty look. “You’re not making any sense, Samantha. But it’s all right. I know you’ve been through a lot. You’re not used to the crime-fighting life like I am.”

  Samantha drove over the muddy, bumpy one-lane road for over an hour before she reached an intersection. The van rolled to a stop. She groaned and put her head on the steering wheel. “Now what,” she muttered.

  Gertrude looked around. “Straight ahead looks like it gets traveled more often. Let’s try that one.”

  Samantha looked up. “What if it doesn’t go anywhere?”

  “We’re traveling south, Samantha. We’ll get somewhere eventually.”

  Samantha pushed on the gas pedal. “What the heck. Maybe we’ll get to Mexico. I could use a Corona.”

  They drove for another hour, and finally reached an intersection with an actual road. It was still gravel, but it looked maintained. “Which way, now?”

  Gertrude pointed to the right. “South.”

  Samantha turned right.

  “How’s the gas gauge?” Gertrude asked.

  “An eighth of a tank.”

  “It’ll be all right. We’re on a real road now. Someone will find us eventually.”

  Now that they were on a smooth road, Gertrude had trouble keeping her eyes open. She started to nod off and then felt guilty, as she was all comfy up front, while the other women were crammed in the back. She forced herself to open her eyes. And that’s when she saw it. “Look!” she cried, pointing.

  Samantha gasped. “What is that?”

  “It’s a building!”

  “Well, I can see that, but what kind of a building?”

  “It looks like a house.”

  “But who has a house way out here? What if it’s a relative of Sue’s?”

  “First of all, that’s not funny. Second, I’ve still got the gun. You just go knock on the door. I’ll cover you.”

  “OK.” She pulled the big clunker into the short driveway, and climbed out of the van. The women in the back all pressed against the windows to watch.

  Samantha didn’t even get to knock. A man met her on the porch. Gertrude leaned out her window to
try to hear what they were saying, but she couldn’t hear a word. Still, the man looked friendly enough, and Samantha’s posture seemed to be relaxing. Soon, she was headed back toward the van, smiling.

  “He says he’ll call the police, but it will take them a while to get here, so we can go inside if we want. He says he’s got more guns than God, and he’ll let us use them if she comes after us.”

  “Really? He’s going to arm the Red Hats Society?”

  Samantha blinked in confusion.

  “Never mind. Did he say where we are?”

  “Yep. He said we’re in 5R11. Not even a real town.”

  “Does he live here?”

  “Says it’s his vacation home.”

  “Hm. Well, that’s suspicious.” Gertrude looked over her shoulder at all the nervous faces. “You girls want to get out of the van?”

  Samantha opened the back door, and the women slowly tumbled out. Samantha had to help most of them, but getting them out was far easier than getting them in had been. There was a lot of stretching and a little crying. Gertrude wanted to comfort the women who seemed really upset, but she had no idea how to. Sure do wish Pastor were here. He’d know what to say. This thought made her feel guilty for skipping church so often. Get me home, God, and I’ll go to church Sunday. Promise.

  Samantha led the way to the small house, and Gertrude brought up the rear. When she stepped inside, it took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the indoor lighting of the cabin. Their host shut the door behind her, and she took a good look at him. He was a small but muscular man, dressed like a Mainer, in boots, blue jeans, and a plaid flannel shirt. Gertrude could make out the outline of a holster under his shirt. He caught her staring, and she tried to smile.

  He nodded stoically.

  “My name’s Dave,” he said, and she knew that it wasn’t.

  She nodded back. “We are much obliged for your help, Dave.”

  He smiled, as if they had just shared some secret, but she didn’t know quite what it was. “Happy to help. But I’d be also be much obliged if, when this is over, you all forget you ever met me. I’m not really a people person.”

  Gertrude nodded. She took a step closer to him, and whispered, “Are you a spook?”

  He chuckled dryly, and shook his head. “I’m not anything. I’m just a retired guy who likes to live in the woods. Like I said, not much of a people person. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable. It could be quite a wait.” Then he walked away, making it clear that their conversation was over.

  No way he’s old enough to be retired. Unless he’s retired from the military. They can retire a lot younger, right? Gertrude surveyed the room. All the available seats were already taken. Samantha was sitting on the floor, her back against a wall, her eyes closed. Beside her stood an impressive gun cabinet, and it was chock full of weapons. Beside that, another gun cabinet. More guns. She looked at “Dave.” He was talking to Martha. There was definitely something weird about him, and yet, he wasn’t giving her the heebie-jeebies at all.

  At the other side of the cabin was a small kitchen. Beside that was a doorway, but a blanket hung in it, blocking her view of what lay beyond. Trying to act casually, she strolled along the wall, nodding to the women in her path, and eventually made it to the blanketed doorway. She reached out to move the blanket. She was only going to move it a bit. She only wanted a peek. But seemingly out of nowhere, Dave’s hand covered hers. “I think there’s plenty of room for all of us out here, don’t you?”

  She looked up at him.

  He was smiling.

  “I was just exploring,” she said.

  “I know.”

  “Could I trouble you for a glass of water?”

  “Of course.” He stepped back and used his right hand to make a sweeping invitation. He wanted her to walk toward the kitchenette, and he wasn’t going to move until she did. So, grudgingly, she headed toward the sink, and he followed.

  He rummaged in a cupboard until he found a glass. Then he held it under the faucet.

  “Thanks, Dave,” she said when he handed her the drink. “So, this place is awful neat and tidy for a man who lives alone.”

  “I understand you’re the one who rescued all these women,” Dave said.

  Gertrude was aware that he was changing the subject, and that he was using flattery to do it. “I had some help,” she said.

  He nodded. “I wish I’d known something was going on up there. I saw that van go by frequently. At first, I just thought that woman was someone like me, someone who liked living in the woods, but I did get a little suspicious when she drove by so often. People who like to live in the woods usually stay in the woods. Anyway, I should’ve checked it out. I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

  Gertrude nodded. “You strike me as a man who doesn’t like to get involved.”

  Dave smirked. “Nice try, but really Gertrude, there is no mystery to be solved here. I’m not a fugitive. I’m not a spy. I’m not anything. I’m just a guy in the woods.”

  “What’s your last name?”

  Dave began to show signs of exasperation. “Don’t you want to drink your water?”

  Gertrude took a small sip. “Could I use your phone?”

  Dave looked at her, seeming to think about that. Then, apparently, he decided against it. “I’ve already called the police. They should be here any second. I’m sure they’ll take you to a phone.” He leaned back against his counter, crossed his arms, and looked out a window facing the road.

  Gertrude drank her water.

  16

  When Gertrude woke up, she was lying on the floor, with no idea how she’d gotten there. A paramedic was asking her if she was OK. She looked around for Dave, and saw him standing near his front door, looking at her, smiling. She glared at him. He drugged me!

  She looked at the paramedic, “He drugged me!”

  “It’s OK. You’re OK. My name is Ashley, and we’re going to get you to a hospital.”

  Gertrude sat up, which brought on an unpleasant bout of dizziness. She put her hand to her head. She looked around the room, and it looked like all the other women were still there. Another paramedic was tending to Dorothy. A police officer was talking to Samantha, and someone in a different uniform was standing beside Dave. She squinted at the patch on his shirt and decided he must be a game warden.

  “No,” Gertrude said, “you should get these other women to the hospital first. I’m fit as a fiddle.”

  Ashley smiled. “Do you need a stretcher, or can I help you walk to the ambulance?”

  Gertrude looked at her. “I said, I don’t want to go to the hospital. Take someone else.”

  The paramedic sighed and looked toward the cop, “Jack, can you help me get her into the ambulance?”

  Jack flipped his notebook shut and strode across the room to Gertrude. He bent over and put her left arm around the back of his neck. “Up we go,” he said, and in one smooth movement, pulled her to her feet. The paramedic held onto her right arm, and in this way, they escorted her out the door and to the ambulance. “Step right up,” the officer said, and Gertrude stepped.

  Ashley thanked Jack, and Jack vanished.

  “Are you comfortable sitting, or would you rather lie down?” Ashley asked.

  “Why don’t you care that that man drugged me?”

  “He said you fell asleep.”

  “I didn’t just fall asleep.”

  Ashley looked at Gertrude. “I’m telling you, you did. Now let it go. You are safe. You are a hero. Leave it at that.” She spoke into her radio. “Antoine, I’m going to stay out here with the patient. Can you get the others out?”

  “Sure can, Ash.”

  Gertrude looked out the back of the ambulance to see the cabin door open. Three women, one of them Samantha, followed Jack to the police cruiser. He opened the door for them, and they climbed inside. Three others followed the game warden to the truck. And Antoine led three women toward the ambulance.

  “Gonna be snug,” Gertr
ude remarked.

  “Yep, but we’ve done it before.”

  “Has someone already gone to help Sue?” Gertrude asked.

  “Sue?”

  “The kidnapper?”

  “Oh! Yes. I haven’t heard yet that they’ve found her, but yes, they’re looking.”

  “We left her tied up,” Gertrude said, suddenly feeling a little guilty about that.

  Ashley patted Gertrude on the knee. “You did good, Gertrude. Real good.” Then Ashley hopped out of the ambulance so that she could help the others climb in. Two slid onto the bench seat beside Gertrude. Ruth took Ashley’s seat.

  When they were all loaded, Ashley started to shut the back door of the bus. Gertrude looked out past her, and saw Dave standing in the doorway of his cabin. He smiled at Gertrude. And then waved.

  17

  At the Greenville Hospital, a kind woman in green scrubs asked Gertrude if she could call anyone for her. Gertrude didn’t answer immediately. Normally, in circumstances such as these, she would call someone from her church, but this time she kind of wanted to call Calvin. But she didn’t want to annoy him. And she wasn’t sure he would even drive all the way to Greenville just to pick her up. As she chewed on her lip, trying to make a decision, Calvin appeared in the doorway. She felt her own face light up, and then tried to hide her joy. “Would you give me a ride home, Calvin?”

  Calvin nodded.

  Gertrude looked at the woman with the clipboard. “I’m all set. Thanks.”

  The woman left, and Calvin crossed the room to Gertrude. “Gertrude,” he said, “you’re famous.”

  She cackled. “What?”

  “You’re all over the news. Gertrude, Gumshoe saves lives. You’re a hero. For real this time.” He sat down in a chair beside her.

  “Well, that’s all well and good, but I really need my walker, and I miss my cats, and I think they must be starving—”

  “I fed your cats.”

  “You what?”

  “This morning. Before I heard the news. I knew you weren’t home, so I fed your cats.”

  “Wowsa … thanks, Calvin. I didn’t know you had it in ya.”

  He chuckled. “Well, I don’t. I really don’t like cats. Or any other creatures that defecate indoors. So don’t make a habit of getting yourself kidnapped.”