Gertrude, Gumshoe Cozy Mystery Series Box Set: Books 1, 2, and 3

by Robin Merrill

  She laughed too, but it was humorless. “I didn’t do it on purpose, Calvin. I had this whole plan. But, well, she attacked me. She was crazy. Speaking of which, did they find her? Is she all right?”

  Calvin raised an eyebrow. “You’re worried about her? Little bit of Stockholm syndrome?”

  “I don’t know what that means, but yes, I’m a little worried about her. She was just a lonely, weird women who wanted friends. She didn’t go about it in the best way, but I still don’t want her to die in the forest, tied up in Virginia creeper.”

  Calvin barked with laughter. “You tied her up in Virginia creeper?”

  “Well, I’m no plant expert, but it was some kind of creeper. ’Bout near ripped my hands open trying to pull it out of the ground.”

  Calvin smiled. “Well, yes, to answer your question, she is fine. She’s right here in this very hospital, surrounded by State Troopers.”

  “And all the women? They’re all right too?”

  “Yes. Some of them definitely needed medical care. I heard that some of them hadn’t been able to take their medications, but it sounds like they’re all going to be OK.”

  “Sad, isn’t it?” Gertrude mused.

  “Which part?”

  “All those women, just taken, taken out of their cars, out of their lives, and no one even missed them. Where were their families? Their friends? Their churches? How could someone be stolen and no one even notice it? If Sue hadn’t slipped up and taken a young’un, we still wouldn’t even know anything was wrong.”

  Calvin paused. “Yes. It’s sad. But it’s also over. Are you all set to go home?”

  “Yes. The cops have already grilled me. They say I’m free to go.”

  “OK then, let’s get you back to your feline entourage.”

  As they walked toward the door, Calvin asked, “What’s it like, moving around without your walker?”

  “Worse than snow in August.”

  Calvin chuckled, and held the hospital door open for Gertrude. The few people in the lobby stared at them as they left. “But I guess this means that you don’t really need it, right?”

  “This doesn’t mean anything,” Gertrude said. “I can go a few days without cheese too—doesn’t mean I can live without it.”

  Calvin laughed. “You are certainly one of a kind, Gertrude.” He opened the Cadillac door for her. “If someone stole you, all kinds of people would notice.”

  She smiled up at him. “Thanks, Calvin.”

  “You bet,” he said, and shut her door.

  When he had settled into his own seat, she asked, “Have you talked to Hale?”

  “Yes, why?”

  “Just wondering if he was mad at me.”

  “Oh, I think so. I think that’s sort of a constant state of mind for him. I called him as soon as I realized you were missing.”

  “How’d you know I was missing?”

  “When I found your walker without you in it. And your cell phone was ground into the mud in your yard. I think you’re going to need a new one of those, by the way. Anyway, he flew into action. That’s when you were first on the news, as a missing person at eleven o’clock. And by the five o’clock news today, you were a statewide hero. You might actually get some paying clients now, which terrifies me.”

  “Speaking of paying clients—”

  “Yes, I talked to Andy too. He showed up at my place at midnight last night. I wasn’t too happy about that, but he made up for it when he called me today. That’s how I knew where you were. Samantha called him, and he called me. One big happy family.”

  “I see,” Gertrude said thoughtfully.

  “What is it?”

  “What is what?”

  “I don’t know. You’re being pensive.”

  “Well, I was just thinking. I need your help with something. But I don’t really want to hear your commentary about it.”

  Calvin groaned. “What is it now?”

  “I think it’s time for me to get a driver’s license.”

  18

  Gertrude slept for thirteen hours straight.

  She awoke to someone knocking on her door. She sat up, knocking a few cats off her in the process, and slid her feet into her slippers. Her hair looked like she had rubbed a can of mousse in it and then stood between opposing high-powered fans, but she didn’t think to smooth it down. She wanted to see who was at the door.

  There had been a few reporters there the night before, but she had given them a statement, and they had happily trotted along.

  She peeked out a window and saw Andy and Samantha on her steps.

  She opened the door. Andy jumped at the sight of her. Samantha elbowed him in the side.

  “Morning!” Gertrude said brightly.

  “Morning,” Andy said. There was an awkward pause while they both stared at her hair. Then Andy asked, “Could we come in for a minute?”

  “Oh!” Gertrude said, stepping backward, and sweeping her hand in a ‘come on in’ gesture. “Of course! Mi casa is you casa!”

  They stepped inside. She closed the door behind them, and Andy handed her an envelope. “Here’s what I have right now, and I’m sure I owe you more, so just let me know what my balance is. I’ll pay you as soon as I can.”

  Gertrude peeked into the envelope. It was full of twenties. She looked up at Andy. Then she handed him the envelope. “You know what? Don’t worry about it. I was glad to help.”

  Andy’s jaw dropped. “But, Gertrude—”

  “No, really, it’s all right. If you were rolling in the clams”—Andy frowned in confusion—“that’d be one thing. But I know you’re not. So really, this one’s on the house.”

  “Wow, Gertrude, I don’t know how we will ever thank you. And I mean, I was thinking that before you just handed me this envelope.” Andy took a deep breath. “I gotta admit, I thought I was nuts hiring you. But I wasn’t. You did it. I don’t know how, but you really did it. You saved my Samantha.” He looked at Samantha then, his eyes full of adoration. He pulled her to him, and kissed her on the top of the head.

  “All right, you lovebirds get out of here now. And Andy, you should know, I couldn’t have done it without Samantha. Well, actually, that’s not true. I could have done it without Samantha. But still, you should know that she was a big help.”

  Andy smiled at Gertrude, then at Samantha again. Gertrude hadn’t known Andy could smile that much. She opened the door for them and shooed them outside. Then she headed toward the bathroom for a visit that was rapidly becoming overdue. She’d only taken about three steps when there was another knock at the door. She sighed and turned back toward it. As she opened it, she loudly said, “I told you, don’t worry about—”

  Deputy Hale was standing on her steps.

  “Oh, you.”

  He smirked.

  “What can I do for you, Hale? Come for some investigative tips?”

  He shook his head, his smirk fading. “Gertrude, I don’t know how you did what you did. Sounds to me like you were reckless and got blind lucky. But I also don’t care. You want to get yourself killed, go ahead. I obviously can’t stop you. But that’s not why I’m here.”

  “Oh no? You selling Girl Scout cookies?”

  “I know you think you’re funny. But you’re really not. I am here because there’s been a complaint against you.”

  “What? From who? Sue? Dave?”

  “Who’s Dave? You know what, never mind. No, from Colby Rodin. He’s a PI in town—”

  “I know who he is.”

  “And he’s saying that you’re operating without a license. Wants me to put a stop to it.”

  “And you’re his errand boy?”

  Hale frowned. “No, but we do work closely with him sometimes, and I would like to stay on good professional terms. The thing is, he has a point—”

  “I never told anyone I was a private investigator.”

  “No, but you told them you were a gumshoe.”

  “And is there a law against that?”


  “Gertrude, I’m just saying, you’re treading on thin ice here. If something were to happen, you could easily get sued.”

  Gertrude cackled. “It’s hard to get blood out of a turnip!”

  Hale sighed. He rubbed his forehead. “I’m just saying. I think your choices are, find another hobby, or, and it pains me to say this, get licensed.”

  Gertrude’s eyes grew wide. “Get licensed? Don’t you need to go to school for that?”

  Hale nodded.

  “All right. I’ll think about it. Is that all?”

  Hale nodded again. “I think your heart’s in the right place, Gertrude. You helped to rescue those women, but you could have just called me when you figured out who it was—”

  “And would you have listened to me?”

  Hale gave her a long look. “How about this, Gertrude. I really, really hope there isn’t a next time, but if there is, I promise to listen to you.”

  19

  After a big lunch of saltines, seriously sharp cheddar, and pickles, Gertrude headed over to Calvin’s.

  “Can you take me to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and AmeriCell?” she asked when he opened the door. “I need a driver’s license and a new jitterbug.”

  “Isn’t this usually stuff you call the CAP bus for?” he said, turning toward his living room and walking away from her, leaving the door open.

  She stepped inside and shut it behind her. “Yes, but I don’t want to take the CAP bus to the BMV.”

  “Why not?”

  Because, what if I fail? Everyone will know. “Because I just don’t. Now are you going to take me or not?”

  “I’ll take you to AmeriCell, but you don’t need to go to the BMV. You can do it all online. I’ve already printed out the application. It’s on the desk.”

  Gertrude hobbled over to the desk.

  “How’s your back?” he asked.

  “Much better now. Thank you.”

  “Probably all that walking around without your walker.”

  She gave the back of his head a dirty look, and then looked down at the application. “Ten dollars? Are they bonkers? Ten dollars just to apply?”

  Calvin guffawed. “You just wait. Driving is expensive. Besides, isn’t that Andy fella going to pay you?”

  “OK, I’ll fill this out,” she said, avoiding his question. She sat down and started to write. It didn’t take long. “Do you have an envelope?”

  “Top of desk.”

  “And a stamp?”

  “Good grief, Gertrude. Can’t you do anything for yourself?” He got up and walked over to the desk. He opened a drawer and pulled out a stamp.

  “Also, can you write a check for ten dollars? I don’t have a checkbook. I’ll pay you back.”

  “If it means I no longer have to drive you around everywhere.”

  “I’m getting a driver’s license, Calvin. I still don’t have a car. You going to let me drive the Cadillac?”

  “When pigs fly.”

  “Danno lets McGarrett drive his car.”

  Calvin smirked. “You are no McGarrett, and Danno doesn’t let McGarrett drive. McGarrett just does.” He ripped a check from his checkbook. “Not that I’m suggesting you try to do the same. Come on. Let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “The post office. And AmeriCell.”

  ***

  Gertrude expected, when she got her new phone, that there would be a pile of voicemails waiting for her. She was wrong. “Huh,” she said. “Didn’t you think this case would bring me more customers? I mean, with the publicity and all?” She looked at Calvin.

  “Can you lean back, please?” He was trying to pull out of the AmeriCell parking lot. “I can’t see anything but your hair.” He pulled out into traffic. “It’s only been a day. I wouldn’t worry about it, Gert. Cases seem to find you. And while you’ve certainly gotten some press, it’s still a small town. Not much crime. Small state. Not much crime.”

  “It didn’t feel like a small state when we were driving on endless dirt roads.”

  “True. Big state by land. Small state by people.”

  “Which reminds me,” Gertrude said. “You wanna go for a ride?”

  “No.”

  “Remember how I told you about Dave? Let’s go pay him a visit. Maybe he’ll tell us who he is, if there’s not so many people around.”

  Calvin looked at her. “You want me to drive three hours into the woods to visit a man with lots of guns who specifically asked to never see you again?”

  Gertrude nodded. “Yes.”

  “Sorry. Not happening. And don’t threaten to hitchhike this time. We both know you’d never get picked up on those roads. Except maybe by a moose.”

  “What if he’s a really bad guy? Don’t you want to figure out why he’s hiding in the woods?”

  “Gertrude, he helped you ladies. And some people just like their privacy. I used to like my privacy, back when I had some.”

  “Calvin, he drugged me!”

  “Or you just fell asleep.”

  “You didn’t see the way he smiled at me.”

  “Yeah, let’s slap the cuffs on him. The man smiled. So, so suspicious!”

  “All right. Can you drop me off at Samantha’s apartment then?”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “What?”

  “You’re going to make that sweet girl drive you into the bowels of Aroostook County?”

  “She owes me.”

  “Fine. Just fine. I’ll take you. But you’re going to be quiet the whole way. Deal?”

  20

  Calvin needn’t have worried. Gertrude slept the entire drive north. He poked her a few times to ask for directions, but then she would drift off to sleep again. It was starting to get dark out when he gave her arm a good shake.

  “What? Where—”

  “Stay awake. I think we’re close.”

  She rubbed her eyes and cracked the window.

  “I’ve got the air conditioning on,” Calvin said.

  “Need a bit of fresh air to wake me up.”

  “And I need you to stop ruining my gas mileage. Now roll the window up.”

  She rolled her eyes, and the window up.

  “There!” she cried.

  “What?”

  “Right there! Up ahead, on the right.”

  He slowed down.

  “You don’t need to slow down yet.”

  He ignored her, and crept up to the driveway. “There’s no mailbox.”

  “I don’t think he gets much mail.” Gertrude looked around. “His truck’s not here. I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

  “Me neither. I wish we’d gotten here before dusk. Or even better, not come at all.”

  Gertrude got out of the car and then wrestled her walker out of the back.

  Calvin climbed out too, grumbling the whole time. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. Now I’ve got to drive home, a hundred miles, dirt roads, probably hit a moose and die …”

  Gertrude knocked on the door. There was no answer. She knocked again. Nothing. The knob turned easily in her hand. She pushed the door open.

  “Gertrude!” Calvin tried.

  Gertrude went inside. Her fingers found a light switch, and she flicked it, but nothing happened. Her stomach sank. All the furniture in the room was still there, but the room still looked emptier somehow. Gertrude looked to her left. The gun cabinets were empty. She saw a piece of paper on the table. She went to it. It read:

  Gertrude, I assure you, I am not a criminal, and I beg you to not try to find me. I was happy to help you ladies, but now I really just want to be left alone. — Dave

  “Well, I’ll be darned,” Calvin said, reading over her shoulder. “He knew you were coming.”

  Gertrude looked around the now-empty cabin. “That rascal. I wonder where he went.”

  Calvin put his hand on her shoulder. “Let’s go, Gertrude. We’re not going to find him. Let’s get you home. We should start
studying for your driver’s test.”

  “Can I practice driving on the way home? It’s all dirt roads! No traffic!”

  Calvin laughed all the way to the car.

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  The Jesus Diet: How the Holy Spirit Coached Me to a 50-Pound Weight Loss

  More Jesus Diet: More of God, Less of Me, Literally

  POETRY

  Almost Touching: new and selected poems