Steve moved over to the window and leaned down to take in the back yard. “I like the yard, you could build a kick-ass deck.”
Zoë, or should I say, a huge cellophane-wrapped gift basket entered the room. My friend peeked around it, a huge smile on her face. “Hey!”
I laughed. “Hey, Zoë. This was not necessary. It’s not like I’m one of your paying clients.”
“Just fucking take it from me, will you? It weighs about a thousand pounds.”
Rushing forward, I took the basket from her and placed it down on the carpet. Looking through the green-tinted cellophane, I could see assorted edible goodies; cheese, fruit, a big salami stick. “Wow, thanks, Zoë. Although, it really wasn’t necessary,” I added.
“Whatever, just give my business card to everyone you know. I wanted to make sure you had something to eat since I know it’s going to take you a while to get settled.” She turned to look at my brother, seeming to just notice him for the first time. “Hey, Steve, looking for a house yet?”
Steven shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. What’s the market like right now?”
I left them to talk real estate in my bedroom while I took the huge basket into the kitchen. I placed it on the counter since there was no fridge to unpack it into yet and grabbed my keys to head back to my car to retrieve my bucket full of cleaning supplies. I still had a lot of work to do.
* * *
Steve never did get his coffee, although arguably what he got in return for helping me move was much better than the caffeinated beverage I had promised.
Jen showed up at one with a bag full of McDonald’s sandwiches and fries and a bottle of red wine (no mix necessary, was her reasoning for not bringing vodka, her normal drink of choice).
I thought Steve was going to propose to her right then and there. Food, booze and hot body barely covered by an inappropriately short miniskirt; the trifecta of bangability. I was a little curious as to why Jen would wear a miniskirt to help me clean my house, but when I saw the way she smiled at my brother, I figured it out; when she had called to take our lunch order and heard that Steve was there, she had obviously stopped at the apartment and altered her outfit. Shameless.
I actually felt like I was back in high school, watching a teen romance unfold right in front of me. I wouldn’t even have bothered to stick around to watch the show, but I was starving and in desperate need of a break. So as we ate and took turns pulling from the bottle of wine, Steve worked his magic.
“So, Jen, it’s good seeing you again,” Steve said over his quarter pounder.
Jen nodded and grunted, her mouth full although her lips still turned up in a distorted smile.
Zoë caught my eye, her eyebrows arched in question.
I rolled my eyes and shrugged.
Zoë nodded, understanding.
“So after we eat, I can show you around if you want, Jen. Vicky said you haven’t seen the house yet.” Steve was really trying too hard; it was embarrassing.
“Hey, that would be cool,” Jen said, having swallowed the heaping mouthful of food. Apparently she wasn’t put off by Steve’s awful attempt at flirting. She really knew how to string a guy along.
I was almost offended that my brother was so willing to give my friend the royal tour of my new house, but I just wanted to get the place clean for when Sears showed up with my furniture, so I let it slide. How long could it take him to show her around a two bedroom bungalow, anyway?
It was almost forty-five minutes later, well after Zoë left to go pick up her kids when I finished scrubbing the kitchen floor in anticipation of my new appliances when I realized neither Jen nor Steve was anywhere to be found.
“Steve? Jen?”
No answer. I shrugged, maybe they went out to get us some coffee. I just hoped they got me an extra-large; that wine had given me a huge headache.
Finished with the kitchen floor, it was time to move into the living room, but I needed some clean water in my bucket first. I headed down to the laundry/furnace room to dump out the dirty water and encountered one of the most horrifying sights I’d ever seen.
Worse than seeing Jen riding Seth in her own bed was seeing Jen and my brother doing it standing up against the wall in my furnace room. They were both still fully clothed except for Jen’s underwear which was wrapped around her right ankle. Thankfully, other than the top of her thigh which was showing due to her miniskirt having been pushed up, I couldn’t see much, although the whole image would be burned in my memory, replacing the scene of her and Seth having sex as the new ‘Nastiest thing I’ve ever witnessed with my own two eyes.’
Apparently they were so involved in what they were doing, that they didn’t hear me approach (Thank God!). I almost dropped the sloshing bucket of dirty mop water but was able to reestablish my grip so I could turn and sneak back up the stairs, hopefully unnoticed.
So much for that coffee I had been hoping for.
As I dumped the dirty water into the bathtub, I oscillated between anger and disgust at Jen’s behavior. My brother was acting obnoxiously as could be expected, so it was difficult to put the blame on him, but Jen was supposed to be my friend, there to help me get my house ready. But instead of helping me, she was fucking my brother in the basement of my brand new home.
I had half a mind to go back down there and break up the party. But ew, what if I saw more this time?
Before I had a chance to contemplate how long they would be christening my new home in their own special way, the doorbell rang.
Sears had arrived.
I turned off the tap and made my way to the front door, my anger dissipating (a little) at the thought of my new furniture. I opened the door and there stood two delivery guys, flanking my brand new washer and dryer.
“Hi, um,” Delivery guy number one looked down at his clipboard. “Mrs. Blumenfeld?” he looked back up at me hopefully.
“Ms. Blumenfeld,” I said, emphasizing my new title, full of independence and mystery.
He gave me a blank stare as obviously my independence and mystery were lost on him. He handed me the clipboard. “I’ll just need you to sign there.”
I scrawled across the line and handed the clipboard back to him. “Great,” he said. “Just show us to your laundry room and we’ll get down to business.”
“You wouldn’t be the first,” I mumbled under my breath. “Yup, just one second, I just need to get some stuff out of there.”
As I turned back into the house, my resolve to stop the laundry room sexcapade strong now, I saw Steve coming up the stairs, his face red and his hair tousled. Thankfully, his pants were done up so it was feasible to pretend I knew nothing.
“I was just showing Jen your furnace, it’s a good one,” Steve, whom I never pegged as the kind of guy who knew anything about furnaces, said, a weird grin on his face. Christ, even the delivery guys could probably figure out he had just gotten laid.
“Where’s Jen now?” I couldn’t help but ask; it was need-to-know information.
Steve’s smirk deepened. “Oh, she’s just, you know.”
I was not about to question his vague answer so I led the delivery guys down the stairs, announcing loudly that we were approaching the laundry room.
Thankfully, Jen was standing at the bottom of the stairs, acting like one of Bob Barker’s Beauties, showing the way for the delivery guys.
“Great house,” she said to me, her goofy post-coital smile a dead giveaway. It was unfortunate that I was even able to recognize that smile.
“Glad you like it,” I snapped.
We exchanged a look and I watched her face contort as it occurred to her that I knew what she had done. She broke the gaze and looked down at the cement floor.
“Just in here, guys,” I said, leading the delivery men into the new home for the washer and dryer.
They grunted as they carried the heavy washer through the doorway and into place.
“How could you?” I hissed at Jen.
She was still inspecting the floo
r. “I don’t know, I really like him. Is it so bad that the guy I like is your brother?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, Jen. It’s so bad that you were fucking him in my house, with me right upstairs. Don’t you think that’s kind of wrong?” I felt like someone’s mother. There was a time when I would have had sex anywhere with almost anyone. Hell, look at the mess I was in. But something about Jen doing it with my brother under my roof felt so immoral. “I hope you at least used a condom.” I couldn’t help it; my current conundrum demanded that I become a crusader for safe sex.
Of course, I was preaching to the choir. “Duh, I’m a public health nurse, Vicky.”
“Well, at least that’s a relief.” I crossed my arms, still pissed, pissed enough to ignore that little bit of my brain that was waiting for her to start lecturing me about my own lack of safe sex diligence.
Luckily, she didn’t go there. “I’m sorry. I was totally out of line.” Jen whispered. “I do like him, though. A lot. That part is okay, right?” she looked up at me, cringing, waiting for me to say it wasn’t.
I looked at my friend and sighed. How could I deny her any happiness? Although I had been with Dave and had many happy years, she had always struggled in her relationship with Seth. When I’d told her I was leaving Dave, she admonished me because I had the life she wanted, had dreamed of. How could I be so selfish as to take the chance of that away from her just because it was with my brother? I was a better friend than that.
“Yeah, it’s okay, but please, Jen, I’m begging you, do it in your own apartment.”
Her smile returned. “Sure, I’ll be easier now that you’re gone.”
The delivery guys walked past us on their way back up the stairs to get the dryer.
“Mm, nice ass,” Jen said under her breath.
Although it was totally inappropriate for her to say so, I couldn’t help but agree.
Chapter 25
Notwithstanding the fact that I was capable of providing my own sustenance, my friends and brother refused to eat the gift basket of food Zoë had brought, but instead ordered a carb and fat-laden feast of extra cheese and pepperoni pizzas along with more wine with which to wash it down. They were good friends and helped me get at least settled enough that I would be able to sleep on my new bed and take a bath in my new house (Zoë had run home to get me some towels, one more thing I hadn’t purchased yet).
But then, several hours and a pizza dinner later, I was alone in the new house. My new house. My new house that looked completely different in the dark. My new house that creaked and groaned, obviously missing its last occupants: the Moore family (their name had been on the purchase documents).
What house was ever built to hold one person? I could hear the walls complaining. “One person? That’s what condos are built for. Who will play in my yard or continue the height measurements on the doorframe? Who will cuddle up around my fireplace on dark winter nights?”
It felt as though my own loneliness was seeping into the walls.
I needed to justify my presence, to show the house I was worthy. I needed to make it homey and there was one thing missing; one thing I couldn’t purchase at Sears.
“I’m going to get a cat,” I told the house. “Right after everything settles down.” That was code for ‘after my procedure,’ which was planned for the following week. I didn’t tell the house that I was going to deprive it of the family it craved.
Feeling like a nut for speaking out loud to my new home, I got up and headed to the bathroom to take my new tub for a test drive.
As I turned the hot tap on, I heard a knock at the door. I was painfully aware of the other implications of being alone. It was decided in that very moment, I would be installing an alarm and maybe even a camera over my front door.
I turned off the water and snuck into the dark living room to see if there was a familiar car out front.
Indeed, there was. It was Dave’s car. I swallowed and unbolted the door.
“I hope it’s not too late.”
“It’s pretty late, Dave. Is everything okay?”
He nodded down towards the three big boxes sitting on my porch. “You never called. I thought I’d bring this stuff in case you need anything.” He shoved his fingers through his hair. “God, this is awkward.”
It was awkward. It was SO awkward.
I just stood there staring at him like an idiot.
“I’m sorry it’s so late, I really wanted to come earlier. But to be honest.” He looked down at his hands before he shoved them into his pockets to keep from fidgeting. “It took me until now to get up the guts to come. I figured when you didn’t call, you didn’t want to see me.”
“Okay, first of all, it’s beginning to snow and I’m not paying to heat the neighborhood, so get in here.” I stepped forward and grabbed one of the boxes, thankful it wasn’t too heavy.
Once the door was shut behind him, I continued. “And don’t ever think I don’t want to see you, Dave. It’s just hard. I mean you looked great at my parents’ place and that just makes me feel shittier.”
He snorted. “But I’m not great.”
“Well, then you’re putting on a good show.”
He shrugged. “You do what you have to, right?” he didn’t wait for an answer before he moved past me into the living room. “So give me the tour.”
I was so tired, the last thing I felt like doing was dragging another person from room to room, telling him my decorating plans. But how could I not? It was Dave.
Once we got downstairs, he wanted to look at the electrical panel “To make sure it’s safe and up to code,” he said.
I shrugged. “Sure, have at it. It would have to be on fire before I would know it was unsafe, so be my guest.”
“Wow, you’ve got underground sprinklers, that’s cool.”
“I do?”
He pointed at a bunch of knobby things, “Yeah look at this.”
I leaned in and looked over his shoulder. “Hmm. Zoë never said anything.” He turned towards me and suddenly my face was in his chest. His good-smelling chest.
And then before I realized it we were kissing. Somehow we were making out in front of my electrical panel. Apparently Steve and Jen had left some of their highly contagious mojo in my basement.
I had to push him away. I couldn’t do this again. “I can’t, Dave.”
“Maybe we can make it work, Vic.”
“Have you stopped wanting kids?” I croaked out, knowing his answer.
He shook his head. “I never stopped wanting you, though.”
I looked away. Why did we keep coming back to this?
“I’d better go,” he finally said. Last time it had been me to run out.
I nodded. I wanted to say so much, but there was no air in my lungs to form the words I wanted to say.
And then he was gone, leaving me alone again in my new house. And it seemed even emptier than before.
Chapter 26
I wasn’t willing to wait until things settled down before going cat shopping. My house was empty, lonely and in desperate need of something else with a heartbeat. Even my dreams were permeated by my loneliness, so the second I woke up on my first real day in the new house, I knew I would forego unpacking in favor of finding myself a new companion.
At precisely eight-thirty-five I called Zoë on her cell.
“Want to go to the humane society with me today?” I asked, not even bothering with pleasantries.
“Huh?” Zoë was distracted; probably focusing most of her attention on getting out of the school parking lot in one piece.
“I want to get a cat. Do you want to go with me?” I stretched, feeling most of the muscles in my arms and back tighten in protest.
“Sure, whatever. When?”
I had an epiphany as I realized I had no coffee nor a coffee maker. “Why don’t you swing around now and grab coffee on your way?”
Zoë gave me her most authoritative tone. “How about this instead: I go home and c
hange out of my pajamas and then I grab coffee and swing by.”
I laughed out loud, having thought my mother was the last of the generation of moms who drove their children to school in their rollers and pajamas. I had a vivid, yet mortifying memory of dear Mom driving right up to the door of my first-year psychology lecture in her pajamas and bed head. I was sure that one morning’s events contributed to my celibate streak which lasted all of freshman year.
I was sure Zoë’s kids were just as mortified. But for some reason, the thought of my friend being an embarrassment to her kids made me smile. “Sounds like a plan, see you soon.”
Suddenly happy that Zoë had bought me some more time, I rolled over to grab a few more minutes’ worth of z’s.
* * *
“Do you want a boy or a girl?” Zoë asked as drove to the SPCA.
For half a second I thought she was talking about the tiny fetus inside of me. I was just about to say ‘uh, neither’ until I realized she was referring to what sex I preferred in a cat. Duh.
Relieved that the conversation was remaining innocuous, I sipped at my lukewarm coffee and shrugged. “I don’t know, I hadn’t thought about it.”
“I like boys. My two guys are so sweet, well you know.”
I did know. I knew that every time I set foot in Zoë’s house, I was bombarded by screaming kids, a barking dog and two cats that never seemed to get enough attention.
“What’s wrong with females?” I asked, a veritable cat newbie. My parents had been of the mind that animals, no matter how clean, did not belong in the home. That coupled with my mother’s sensitivity to dander, dust, or anything that displeased her, ensured that we grew up in a pet-free home.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve just found them to be aloof.” Zoë put the coffee down into the cup holder and shoved her hand into her purse, fumbling for something. As the car swerved, I decided offering to help would be more of a survival technique than just a friendly gesture.
“Need something?”
She glanced over at me, a guilty smirk on her face. “Can you grab the cigarettes? Do you mind?”
My eyes widened involuntarily as I stared at my friend. “When did you start smoking again, Zoë?” The four of us had all quit together many years before, right after Kendra’s dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Although Jen had relapsed several times until she finally went on the patch, the rest of us had been able to boast smoke-free lives. And good thing, too, at least for me since, as a dentist, Dave had abhorred smoking, having had to deal with many a diseased and cancer-riddled mouth.
Life, Sideways Page 15
