I suddenly wanted to harm her. Badly.
Thanks only to her impressionable boys sitting in my living room, I stifled the urge to call her a bitch and a coward. Instead, I shook my head and pointed my index finger at my friend, but for nothing. The damage was done and she was out of my reach.
I watched their car pull out of my driveway and turned back inside the house, wondering what preteen boys liked to eat for dinner.
* * *
An hour and two pizzas later and the boys were stuffed and quiet, sitting on the couch, each still playing their games. Well, when I say quiet, I mean they, themselves were quiet, but the beeps, boops and music of their devices was driving me crazy. Although I really couldn’t complain about the boys themselves.
They had sat at the table with me to eat, put napkins in their laps all by themselves (how charming!) and acted like little gentlemen. I was going to have to congratulate Zoë on her great success at teaching them manners. Once they were done eating more than I ever imagined boys their ages could, they thanked me for dinner and got up with their plates to take them into the kitchen.
Andy had returned to the sofa. But with my permission, Will coaxed little Ex out from under my bed and had forged some sort of secret bond with the cat who was now sitting at his side on the couch, his tail twitching against the boy’s thigh. It was very cute, making me wonder if Will was some sort of cat whisperer.
I left them to go put the dishes into the dishwasher when it happened: the phone rang.
As I turned toward the phone, I suddenly became paralyzed with fear. Zoë had given the veterinarian my number. Was it him calling me? Had he even asked for my number or had she forced it upon him?
Maybe it was Jen, I told myself, just calling to say hi, in which case, I was being stupid for getting nervous. I wouldn’t know unless I went and actually looked at the phone to check for caller id.
Third ring, better get a move on or voicemail would pick it up. I closed the gap between me and the phone. Yup, sure enough: Lewis, Eli. I was going to leave it for voicemail, but then figured it would be easier to just nip this whole situation in the bud and not have to endure the guilt over dodging his call.
“Hello?” I answered, pretending not to know who it was.
“Hi, uh, Vicky? This is Eli Lewis, the veterinarian?”
I couldn’t help but smile: as if I wouldn’t know who he was. How many Eli Lewis’ did he figure I would know?
“Oh hi,” I said, sounding surprised that it was him calling. God only knows what Zoë told him, but the last thing I needed him thinking was that I was a party to it, or worse, had orchestrated the whole scheme.
“I got your number from Zoë today. I hope it’s okay that I asked her for it. She didn’t think you’d mind.”
It was of some comfort that he had actually asked for it. Zoë could be very aggressive; she was, after all, in real estate.
“No, it’s okay that you asked,” I said, feeling very lame.
I really didn’t mind that he asked. My discomfort had nothing to do with him wanting to call me and everything to do with me not being ready for this.
“So anyway, I hope you don’t think I do this very often, because I really don’t.” Although I’d heard men say this particular line before, the almost imperceptible quiver in his voice told me he was probably telling the truth. It was very sweet.
He continued, “But I was hoping you might like to have dinner with me sometime.”
As he was asking, a little detail piqued the tip of my consciousness: he had access to my phone number without having to ask Zoë. Why on earth would he ask her for my number, when he had all my personal information in a file at the clinic?
“Vicky? You still there?”
I came back to earth, but the question still nagged at me. “How come you asked Zoë for my number when you have it at your office?”
There was a long pause. “I guess to see if Zoë thought you’d go out with me. And if I get your number from her, it doesn’t seem like I’m getting it inappropriately.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “You think my cat would be offended if you used him to get to me?”
He chuckled into the phone. It was a very sexy sound, low and very masculine.
“No, I guess not, but I guess I just didn’t want it to seem like I was using my practice to fill my social calendar.”
It was a satisfactory answer; one that made me wonder if Dave could say the same about his own practice. Now that he was officially out there, was Dave using his practice to rope in fertile single moms? Ugh, I needed to not think about things like that.
“So?” Eli said after a long pause.
Earth to Vicky.
I had forgotten there was still an unanswered question dangling between us. “Sorry, um…You know, I’m not sure what Zoë told you about my situation, but I’m only recently separated.”
“Yeah, I know. I got that from what you named your cat.”
I groaned inwardly, feeling very stupid. “You seem like a nice guy, really. But I’m not ready to go out just yet.”
God: I am such a cliché. You should never want to go out with me, my inner voice screamed at him.
“If it helps, a couple of years ago I had a long relationship end and I was really reluctant to get back out there. But I did find that once I forced myself to, it wasn’t nearly as scary as I’d thought.”
Maybe I’m not scared, maybe I’m in denial, I couldn’t help but think, remembering how jealous I had felt seeing Dave with that other woman in the grocery store. “Still, I appreciate the offer, but I’m just not into dating.” I hoped he realized that I wasn’t saying I wasn’t into him.
“I’ll tell you what. How about a rain check? When you’re ready, give me a call?”
That sounded fair. I said as much before thanking him for calling and hanging up the phone.
“I’m so never going to be ready,” I said out loud, suddenly convinced that I was destined to a long life of spinsterhood.
As I went to check on the boys, I heard Zoë’s admonishing voice in my head, telling me I had just made a colossal, stupid mistake.
* * *
At ten minutes after one, there was a light rap at my door. It was just enough to wake me up from my light sleep. I looked around, momentarily unsure as to why I was on the couch, but the two sleeping bodies on the sofa across from me jogged my memory.
I got up and gingerly removed Ex from Will’s lap as I gently shook the boy awake. Then it was his brother’s turn, although he gave me a grunt and rolled over. “Come on, Andy, your parents are here.”
I left him and meandered over to the door, yawning.
Zoë was on the other side of the peephole, so I unlocked and opened the door.
She was still wearing the gown, but she looked a bit disheveled; her hair had mostly fallen out of the bun and her makeup definitely needed a touch-up.
“Hey, Vic, how were they?”
“They were really great. No trouble at all.” It was the truth. They really had been a pleasure to babysit. My fear had been completely unfounded.
“Mom, we were good,” Will said in his tired voice. He pushed himself against his mother and wrapped his arms around her waist.
She smiled down at him. “Where’s your brother?”
“I’m here,” Andy said as he shuffled towards the door, his game gripped tightly in his hand. Even in his almost vegetative state, he would never leave it behind.
“What do you say?”
“Thanks, Vicky,” the boys said in unison as they struggled into their coats and shoes.
I smiled; it was hard not to like Zoë’s kids. “Anytime, guys.” I looked at Zoë, who had that special glow. “Really, anytime.”
She smiled, “C’mon boys, get in the car, Dad’s waiting for you.” She pushed them gently in front of her as she leaned in close. “Did he call?”
I nodded, rolling my eyes
“And?”
“I’m not ready. I told you t
hat.”
She put her hands on her hips. “You’re being ridiculous.”
She was pushing my buttons, but I was too tired to argue. “Please, don’t start on me. It’s late. And in case you’ve forgotten, I never asked you to set me up.” I hoped my tone was enough to make her drop the subject.
Apparently it was; she dipped her head in a nod. “Fine, then. I’m sorry if I overstepped, I guess I shouldn’t have forced him on you.” She shrugged. “But listen, I really appreciate you watching the boys.” She suddenly grinned like a schoolgirl as she turned to glance at her sons as they ambled sleepily towards the vehicle. She turned back to me, her eyes twinkling. “We did it like four times.”
I snorted. “Did you even make it to dinner?”
She shook her head. “We went through the drive through just now. That’s why we’re late picking them up.”
“You’re something else,” I folded my arms across my chest, but couldn’t help the smile. There had been times when Dave and I had spent almost entire weekends in bed, eating ice cream and Oreos in between making love. Sometimes we ate ice cream and Oreos while making love.
“Thanks again, Vicky, really.”
I smiled and watched as the boys heaved their tired bodies into the car.
“Anytime, Zoë. They really were no problem.”
Zoë leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “God, I swear, I think you saved our marriage.”
As I watched her leave, my heart sighed as I thought about what it would have taken to have saved mine.
Chapter 29
I hadn’t been this nervous to see Dave since our first official date, the day after we met on campus over a decade ago. But there I was, standing on the doorstep that used to be my own, poised to ring the doorbell. I just needed a moment to breathe first.
I had called and told him we needed to talk. He sounded reticent but had agreed to let me come over and spill my guts, even though I could tell he wanted me to get it out over the phone. He had never been one to enjoy any kind of suspense or surprises. But I had stuck to my guns and said that I wouldn’t discuss it over the phone, but I had assured him it was going to be a good conversation.
So there I was, standing at the door, my stomach doing flip-flops, even though I couldn’t get the shit-eating grin off my face.
He was going to be so happy when I told him my news.
I finally knocked on the door, feeling that perhaps the doorbell was too formal. This wasn’t a formal visit: but more of a ‘hi, how’s it going? Want me back, ‘cause I’m ready to have kids’ conversation.
He was at the door in seconds, looking hotter than I remembered in his button-down and Dockers. A memory came screaming back to me in that instant: me greeting him at the door after one of his three-day conferences when he wore the exact same outfit and I wore nothing at all. His bags made it to the front hall; we barely made it to the sofa…
“Hi Vicky, come on in,” he said, his tone a bit cooler than I had expected.
My smile dissolved as I entered the house, shocked by how clean it was.
“Wow. Hey, Dave, did you hire a cleaning lady?” Cognizant of the pristine floors, I kicked off my boots and shimmied out of my coat.
Dave took the coat and hung it up in the closet. “No, I’ve just been tidying up, you know.”
Everything was the same but seemed foreign; even the smell of the house seemed different than when I lived there. No longer the smell of a boys’ dormitory, but clean and yet different than the clean smell it held when I was there. I don’t know why it seemed so strange, but it did and I didn’t like it. Nothing about Dave was ever supposed to change. He was supposed to stay exactly the same as I left him.
Obviously, he hadn’t read the Vicky Blumenfeld guidebook to separation.
“So, what’s up Vicky?” he was obviously not in the mood to draw this conversation out any longer than necessary. And his being a poor host and not even offering me a beverage was absolutely deliberate. He had never let a guest sit before offering a drink. He had always prided himself on his hospitality. But not today, not with me. Today he was excruciatingly uncomfortable and having a great deal of trouble hiding it.
Or maybe he wasn’t trying to hide it.
He sat on the arm of the couch across from me, staring at me, waiting.
I took a deep breath. I could do this, had rehearsed it a hundred times in the car on the way over. I would start out with the easy part.
“Dave, I’ve come to a conclusion that I think you’ll like. I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past while and I’ve realized that we made a mistake. I’ve made a mistake.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but I held up my hand to stop him. I needed desperately to get it all out.
“No, let me finish. I’ve realized a lot and I don’t want you out of my life. No, to the contrary, I so want you in my life and I want us to get back together.” Now I would give him a minute to take it all in and digest before I’d read him the rest of my script. I was ready for his protest when he would tell me it would never work because I didn’t want to have kids. That would be the best part because then I would be able to say, “No, I DO want a family with you and speaking of which, guess what?”
But he hadn’t read my script.
His face scrunched up, making him look constipated. “I’ve met someone,” he said softly, avoiding my eyes.
He may as well have kicked me in the stomach. All the air left my lungs.
“What?” it was incomprehensible.
“I’ve met someone.”
But that’s impossible: you’re my husband. What about my baby? What about the family we were supposed to have?
Adrenaline rushed through my veins and my brain kicked into panic mode.
“But I’m ready to have a family with you.” That should do it. I, Vicky, your wife, is ready to have kids, this is everything you’ve ever wanted.
But instead of welcoming me back with open arms, he just crossed his arms and shook his head.
“I think I’m in love, Vicky.”
My hand rose involuntarily to my lips as the tears sprung into my eyes. I prayed my suddenly weak legs would carry me as I took flight, running past him to the bathroom.
I slammed the door behind me, only a half a second before I heard Dave’s muffled voice through the door.
“Vicky, I never wanted to hurt you, I didn’t see this coming. If I had ever thought you would have come back, I never would have gotten involved with Daphne, but…”
And she even had a name. At least I had the decency to have sex with a stranger in a bar and not get involved with a real person.
I knew I wasn’t thinking straight, but I never thought I could be so hurt by the man I loved so much.
“How could you?” I demanded through the door.
“You left,” Dave said, his voice barely audible.
“I was stupid; how could you let me go?”
“Come on, Vic, don’t make this harder than it is. You didn’t really think I wouldn’t move on, did you?”
I had to admit, at least to myself, that I didn’t. Well, maybe deep, deep down, under all the denial I had known, but he was supposed to always remain my Dave. Single for as long as I was single, miserable for as long as I was miserable. How could he be otherwise?
“Don’t you want me to be happy, Vic? I want you to be happy and I know in my heart it’s not going to be with me.”
I opened the door to look at him. He was crying too, the way he always had when we had fought about the family issue, but it never diminished how much I loved him.
“I do want you to be happy, Dave. But I want you to be happy with me.”
He pulled me to him, wrapping his strong arms around me, squeezing me to him. “We wouldn’t be happy. I’m ready to move on. You need to, too.”
It wasn’t working. I had one card left in my hand and it had a pregnant queen on it. Did I dare tell him? But he said he was in love. He was in love with someone else. I pulled away
from him and looked into his glossy eyes.
“God, Dave, I really fucked up.”
He looked down. What could I expect him to say?
“Dave?” I waited for him to look at me again. “I will never stop loving you. You know that, right?”
He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and nodded.
“So there’s just one more thing you need to know.” I took a deep breath while he waited patiently for me to continue.
I looked at him and he was wide open. How could I not wish him the kind of happiness that I could never give him? What had I been thinking coming over here? What was wrong with me? I needed to get my head out of my ass and get over myself.
I swallowed hard. “Dave, just promise me that if it doesn’t work out with this Daphne person, that you’ll give me a call.”
He pulled me into another hug, this time, tighter than before, maybe tighter than ever, and we cried together for the last time.
Chapter 30
“Okay, now wait a minute, let me see if I’ve got this straight…” Zoë squeezed her eyes shut as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “First you blow off the good doctor Lewis, an eligible, financially stable hot guy with no baggage, when he calls to ask you out on a date. Then, you go over to Dave’s and tell him you want to reconcile because you’re pregnant and you want him to raise some stranger’s baby as if it were his own. Have I got that right?”
I suddenly wished the earth would open up right under me. None of it had seemed so foolish until I had opened my mouth and confessed it all to Zoë over coffees at the Starbucks by the real estate office.
The way she stared at me made me feel like I was being scolded by my mother, although what I had just spilled on my best friend was hardly anything I would ever tell my mother. God, my mother didn’t even know I was pregnant.
I looked down into my latte, feeling suddenly very stupid. Now, in the light of day after having been totally rejected by Dave, my attempt to reunite with him didn’t seem like such a stellar idea. “No, you don’t have it right; I didn’t tell Dave about the baby.”
Life, Sideways Page 18
