by Jack Parker
Robin's heart was racing. His chest felt like it was about to explode from the strength of the feelings that he found himself at the mercy of. He felt dizzy and his limbs tingled from the surge of hormones that raced through his bloodstream, but still he felt as though he needed more. This wasn't enough any longer. He acted without thinking, almost without being aware of it. His hand reached down slowly to her waist and ran around her curves. He'd never felt that before. He was used to exploring the masculine form with his hands. This was different; softer. His fingers ran around her hips, the shape of her hipbone and round to her stomach. His fingers ran over soft skin where he knew there were tattoos gracing her belly. He'd see a hint of them sometimes poking out from under her top when she stretched up but he'd never seen what they were.
He heard her give a soft gasp as she felt his touch wander around her body. Not breaking the kiss once, he found himself aching for more. He couldn't explain it, or why this was different. He didn't know what was happening to his fear but it was fading. He needed to take advantage of it, to act now before he regretted it and his courage faded away.
Contorting his wrist into a less than comfortable position he felt for the button on her jeans and fumbled until it came undone. He heard her make a noise while their kiss continued. What did that mean? Was that good or bad? She didn't seem to be stopping him, so he pulled down her zip and slowly pressed his hand to her stomach. Now he had to end the kiss. He needed to take a deep breath. She looked at him in alarm as he moved away, worrying that he was about to go running scared, but he stared her right in the eye as he slowly slipped his hand downward, inside her lacy underwear. His fingers met a little hair, a trimmed line that he wasn't really expecting. He didn't know what he was expecting, to be honest. Knowing Kim it was probably died some random colour, or there was a tattoo beneath it. Maybe he'd get to see later. Maybe, if he made it that far.
He stalled. He didn't know where to go from there. His knowledge about the female anatomy was minimal; one sex education lesson some seventeen years ago in which the teacher had referred to Durex as Duracel was about the limit of his knowledge. He'd heard of a G spot but that could have been anything. Maybe Kim had that labelled, with a tattoo?
He seemed to have struck something though. For one thing, his fingers were covered with something wet and sticky, while for another he heard Kim make a noise he'd never heard her make before. He swallowed, terrified of doing something wrong and trying not to think about where his hand was going, then moved his fingers a little further down. He couldn't get much deeper between her legs, the jeans were still in the way, but he was deep enough to know that he had never seen Kim's face contort in this much pleasure before or heard her make those sounds, increasing in volume and desperation.
Kim could hardly believe it. She couldn't believe it. It seemed to be happening so fast all of sudden. When she'd felt Robin's hand moving downwards she thought that things were going to go south again, that he was going to send up fleeing the bed and locking himself in the bathroom. The step he'd taken shocked her deeply and showed her just what he was prepared to do for her, despite his fear and his internal struggle.
As he seemed to stop, unsure whether he should continue or not she stared at him, caught his eye and held his face.
"Robin," she breathed. He stared back at her, anxious, nervous. The look on her face soothed his worries right away. "Please don't stop."
Her plea did something to Robin that he just couldn't fight and despite all his worries he felt something overcome him; a strong need. A powerful yearning to please her. He wanted to make her feel better than that wife had made her feel since… well, since ever, by the sound of it. He pressed his fingers against her a little harder, started to move them back and forth, concentrating on the areas that made her gasp the most. He didn't know what he was doing, he had no idea if he was doing it right but he knew that he couldn't stop.
He was so hard now and still trying to get harder. He was aching for release, or at the very least to be set free from his trousers. It was hurting by now, driving him crazy. But then again, so was Kim. She grasped his face in her hands and pressed her lips against his, desperately needing to taste him again, a kiss that deepened as he moved his fingers and she found herself grinding against them. The pressure of her jeans pulled his fingers closer, keeping them going at speed. He wanted so much to bring her to a climax but she stopped him before she reached that point, pulled his hand away and breathed,
"No, Rob, not that way."
"What-?" Robin wondered what the hell he'd done wrong. It seemed to have been going so well! What could he have done any differently? He looked at her with wide eyes, a little hurt from her actions, and wondered fleetingly what he was supposed to do with his hand. His fingers were wet and sticky and he didn't have a towel. He thought about wiping them covertly on her back but decided that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do.
Kim stared at him and bore deep into his soul through his eyes She cupped his face and whispered,
"I want to do this properly."
Robin stared back. He swallowed as he felt his stomach flip over.
"What?"
"Please?" her eyes begged with him, "Robin, you know what I mean. Don't make me say it."
Robin stared on, he hoped he knew what she meant but he wasn't sure. Maybe he was wrong? Maybe he was mistaken? He didn't want to do the wrong thing and scare her away again.
"Kim…" he whispered.
Kim stared at him, swallowing with nerves. She couldn't bring herself to say the words. It seemed wrong, it didn't feel right coming from her mouth somehow, so she decided there was only one thing she could do. To show him.
When she reached for his belt he began to panic. He was so sure that she would run away again that he almost begged her to stop before they went too far and she freaked herself out again, but his body was overruling his common sense this time and all he could do was to lay there as she unfastened his buckle and started on his fly.
Her hands were shaking. She felt like a terrified teenager on her first time. She finally managed to pull down the zip, then slipped her hands inside the top of his trousers to pull them down. That was a step he hadn't been expecting as she disappeared under the covers for a moment and returned with her prize a few seconds later. She dropped his trousers to the ground and turned back to him. Her fear had stolen her words, all she had were actions. She held the tops of his boxers, breathed in deeply and pulled together all of the strength that she had, then slipped them down and shuffled them from his legs, over his feet and they soon joined his trousers on the floor.
Robin swallowed anxiously. How had they suddenly got this far? It seemed impossible. He stared at Kim, waiting for the inevitable. She'd get freaked out at any moment. She would. He knew it. But she didn't seem to be going anywhere this time.
That's when he felt her hand around him and he goddamn almost exploded everywhere. Fuck, no, don't do that! He told himself urgently. He gasped and pulled himself under control as her hand began to slowly move up and down him. He stared at her, their gaze met again. He could see such fear in her eyes but it didn't stop her. She'd found the strength now. They both had. It might not have been natural to them but the way they felt about each other overrode that.
Robin stared at her as he felt her hand moving up and down again. He shook his head slowly.
"You said we were going to do this right," he whispered. He didn't trust himself to hold back if she carried on and he didn't want to miss the opportunity to be inside of her, to really give her all that he had. He pulled on her jeans a little and she caught on, helping him out by pulling them down and dropping them onto their pile of clothes, followed quickly by her dampened knickers.
Fuck, this is it.
There was no going back now. And as his heart sped up even more, Robin knew he didn't want to either.
He turned her over gently, laid her on her back. He looked into her eyes, so beautiful. So deep. Suddenly the fear seemed to
have faded from her face. Why was that? How could that be? He thought she'd be more nervous by now but her face seemed free from anxiety. He reached up and stroked her hair gently from her face. He couldn't explain the way he was feeling. There seemed to be no logic to it at all, he only knew he couldn't fight it.
He felt anxious. He'd never…. Not with a woman. He didn't know where… well, he knew the general area, but… he wasn't used to this angle, or that particular orifice. Fuck, maybe he should have taken her up on her earlier offer to turn around.
No, he wanted to see her. He wanted to see her face. He wanted to know that this was what she wanted. He needed to know that he was giving her the pleasure she deserved.
He found himself on top of her, almost without knowing how he got there. He breathed heavily. This was it. All those times his mind had crossed to that scenario, all those times that she had appeared in his dreams, now he was going to make them real. There were fleeting moments of panic, a touch of fear, wondering how he was going to go through with it, but something just took him over. It was that look on her face; that peace, that need, just wanting him so badly.
Carefully, with just a little adjustment, he pushed deep inside of her. The cry she let out made him worry that he'd hurt her. She wasn't used to that, after all. Should he have taken it slower? But it wasn't a cry of pain, as he saw from her face. Her eyes closed and her head tipped back She lay there, just wanting him to take the lead. That worried him – he didn't know if he could do that. What if he couldn't give her what she needed?
He began to move slowly at first, still so nervous, still trying to be gentle but Kim had other ideas.
"Harder," she breathed. That command shocked him, it had been the last thing he was expecting. He gripped her body as he moved harder and faster inside of her, his hand sliding inside of her top, grasping her firmly while he steadied himself with his other hand. The sensation was different, not like anything he'd felt before. He could feel himself right on the edge. He needed to hold out, he wanted to give Kim the pleasure that she longed for. He started move a little more slowly, lowering himself onto her to kiss her again. He couldn't help it. He couldn't get enough of that. He felt her grasp him around his backside, pulling him in deeper, harder, faster. He groaned and gasped, the slickness of her wetness covering every inch of him as he explored deeper inside.
"Oh fuck," he cried. This was it, as much as he'd tried to hold out it was coming. He felt her grab his hand and move it to her clit, guiding him, moving his fingers faster and harder against her outside as found he couldn't hold back any longer and let himself go, just a few seconds before the wild motion against Kim's clit sent her over the edge.
He cried out as he came - that wasn't like him. He wasn't usually a screamer but it had been so long since he'd had intimate contact that he exploded with emotions as much as with pleasure. He heard her cry and groan as the waves of her orgasm pulsed through her body. He breathed so hard, trying to get some oxygen back into his lungs and as his senses slowly returned to normal he looked at her face, flushed all over. Her eyes were closed, letting the last of the pleasure fade away, and across her face was a smile like he'd never seen before.
He felt his arms giving way, weakened by the strength of his orgasm and he lay atop her, trying not to hurt her or put too much pressure on her. He breathed deeply for a few moments, his eyes closed, trying to absorb what had happened. He couldn't believe what he'd done – what they'd both done. His eyes opened and he gazed at her. There was life in her face. He hadn't seen that in quite a while.
"Kim," he whispered.
Her hands moved to his head and ran through his hair. She pulled his face toward her where her lips were waiting. As their kiss ended and he lay against her he could feel her heart beating every bit as fast as his own. That sensation brought a smile to his face.
He didn't want to think about tomorrow. He didn't want to think about where they would go from here. He didn't want to think about the inevitable guilt and the struggles that would come to pass as the enormity of what they'd done started to sink in. He didn't want to think about Linda or Simon or whether this was ever going to happen again.
For now all he wanted to think about was the woman who was still all around him and the look of pleasure on her face. That was what he wanted. That was all he wanted - for her to feel as good as she deserved to feel. And he'd given her that – because that's what you do for people you love, isn't it?
Fuck.
Love.
He closed his eyes and swallowed. Where the hell had that come from?
He lay with her, held her and felt her body against him, all the while trying to push that thought away. That was a step too far, and something he wasn't ready to face yet.
Chapter Eighteen
"Shit."
"Shit."
Silence fell as they stared at the ceiling. It was some time before anyone spoke again.
"You do realise what we've done?" Kim asked.
"Yes, I think I've got the gravity of this, thank you," Robin said a little awkwardly.
Kim bit her lip as she stared at the same ceiling tile she'd been focusing on for the last 20 minutes.
"I've cheated on my wife," she whispered, "I've cheated on Linda. Committed adultery."
"I can't even work out if I've cheated or not," Robin said quietly, "but I still feel awful." He glanced at her, "with guilt," he added quickly, "not regret."
Kim felt her cheeks burning a little. She kept her eyes focused on the ceiling. She knew what he meant – she felt a terrible sense of guilt, but that wasn't the same thing as regretting it because she didn't. She closed her eyes for a moment and cursed herself for her stupidity as she said,
"We didn't use protection."
"I haven't got any."
"Well I'm a married lesbian, I wasn't going to be carrying condoms!"
"I've been with the same man for years, I don't tend to carry a supply!"
Kim gave a deep sigh.
"I'm going to have to take the morning after pill," she said crossly, "that's not going to humiliation city, is it?"
Robin looked at her guiltily.
"Sorry," he said quietly.
Kim gave a sigh
"Both at fault," she said quietly. She turned to face him but struggled to look him in the eye. "Shit, Rob, what the hell was that? What the hell are we supposed to do from here?"
Robin shook his head slightly. His expression looked lost and confused, like a little boy. His looked so innocent and nervous.
"I don't know," he whispered, "I don't understand what's going on."
"We talked about this yesterday… we said it was because of our connection with that world… with Simon… with all the stuff that happened here with Alex and with Keats…. We agreed that neither of us would ever be able to handle things turning physical."
"I guess we were wrong," Robin whispered.
"Rob," Kim tried to find the words to explain the deep-set confusion in her soul, "what we did… you know it's not changed me. It's not changed anything about me. I'm still gay."
Robin nodded.
"I didn't think I'd have turned you," he said slightly sarcastically. He sighed. "Same goes for me, Kim."
"You're not that 'right man to turn me straight'," Kim commented, thinking of the lines she'd heard so many times from men who really thought they could try their luck.
"And you're not the woman to set me on the path to heterosexuality," said Robin.
Kim closed her eyes.
"We can't tell anyone about this," she whispered, "ever. Can you imagine? No one would understand this, and that's quite apart from what we've done. To Linda," she bit her lip and looked at Robin awkwardly, "and Simon."
Robin looked down. His guilt was growing.
"I know," he whispered. He just imagined what would happen if they tried to tell anyone about it. How could anyone understand? He knew that any response would just lead to them getting angry and hurt. People would make comments like
"So you were bisexual all this time and didn't know it?" or, "you must be just a little bit straight or you wouldn't have been able to do it?" or "Maybe you were never gay in the first place and your hormones were confusing you." How could anyone understand, it wasn't a physical attraction, it was… it was something neither of them could explain. He looked at Kim. There was turmoil expressed across her features. "Kim? Are you OK?" he asked gently.
Kim looked away. She wasn't really sure.
"I don't know," she whispered, "I don't know where we're supposed to go from here." She started to feel tearful. "I might not have always done the right thing in my past but I always swore I would do the right thing by Linda. I've always been faithful."
Robin looked at her.
"She doesn't make you happy," he said quietly.
"She used to," Kim said quietly, but she knew that even in their happier times there was always something missing.
"She's always putting you down," Robin said sadly, his heart breaking as he thought about some of the things Kim had said.
Kim looked down.
"I know," she whispered, "but it wasn't always that way."
Robin looked at her.
"Please, Kim," he said quietly, "don't let her destroy your life."
Kim glanced at him, her stomach churning as she thought about her situation.
"I know it's easy to say that from the outside," she whispered, "but what about my boys? I don't want to lose my family. I love them with all my heart. I don't want to tear my family apart."
"Linda's tearing you apart," Robin told her.
Kim closed her eyes. She felt sick even thinking about it. She knew that her relationship was far from perfect and there was fault on both sides but she'd started to realise that maybe they just shouldn't be together. But there was no way out. Separating would mean losing the boys, she was sure. She couldn't take that risk.
"I don't know what to do," she whispered. She looked at Robin. His brow was furrowed and he was deep in thought. "Rob? Are you OK?"
