The Bad Boy's Secret Romance

by Jessie Gussman

  “I guess I have to be, right?”

  “No. If you’re not, we can just sit here. Being beside the river is almost as good as being on it, right? And I’m fine either way. We can even sit in the raft on the sandbar if that’s what tickles you.”

  Justice laughed, a deep, from-her-belly laugh, at the idea of Thad and her sitting in the raft on the sandbar because she was too scared to go out on the river. She almost asked if he were truly willing to do that, but she knew he was. He really would. She could test him, but there was no need. She was the one that had to pass the test. Not that she thought Thad was making it a test. It was more herself. This was a risk, a chance, something that made her uncomfortable, and she didn’t typically do things that made her uncomfortable. So she was going to now.

  She didn’t say anything else but put her hand on the edge of the raft and put a foot in. The bottom was not sturdy and gave under her weight.

  The raft made a sandy sound as the bottom scraped against the rocks.

  “What happens if we get a hole?”

  “I guess the raft will sink and we’ll swim. Can you swim?”

  “I know it shouldn’t make a difference... I can swim, but I’ve never swum in the dark before.”

  “Oh yeah, that’ll be a problem. It’s completely different swimming in the dark.”

  “You’re making fun of me.”

  “No, I’m not. It’s completely different. Really. You have to close your eyes. And then you can’t tell it’s dark. Then you’ll be fine.”

  Another laugh climbed out the back of her throat as she put her second foot in. The raft wobbled, and she sat down quickly. Balling up at the front of the raft, wrapping her arms around her legs, and scrunching up tight. Somehow, when one was petrified, curling up in a ball always made one feel better. Apparently, being on a raft in the middle of the river in the dark wasn’t any different than any other time she’d been petrified in her life.

  “Okay, I’m pushing off.”

  Thad no sooner said that than the raft started moving forward. Slowly. Justice tensed, although she didn’t know what for. What did she expect? For the raft to tip and for her to tumble into the water?

  But there wasn’t any such danger. Or it didn’t feel like it anyway. The raft glided slowly and smoothly with very little rocking.

  She could hear the splash behind her as Thad stepped through the water, then the raft tipped and shook as he got in. One leg pushed through on either side of her as he settled down.

  “You can back up if you want to.”

  She stayed where she was for a few more seconds, until the rocking stopped and the raft settled.

  She could see how this could be fun, since at this point, the river just moved slowly and lazily, and she knew immediately if she allowed it to be, it would be relaxing.

  She scooted back.

  And romantic.

  Thad’s arms came around her, and she leaned back into his chest, her head on his shoulder, looking up at the stars by his ear.

  It didn’t take another three whole seconds in that position with the warm night wind blowing softly, the sounds of the river, the stars shining down, for her to be glad and grateful that he’d suggested it.

  There were still twinges of fear in her stomach, because of the dark and the unknown, but that feeling was far exceeded by the strength and comfort of the man behind her.

  “You can relax.” One of Thad’s hands found hers, and he threaded their fingers together. His other arm was hooked on the raft, the way he might hook his arm on the window of his truck if it were down. “I don’t know if it’s the river or if it’s me that’s making you all tense. But I can promise you, you don’t have anything to be afraid of with me. And I can come really close to promising you that the river’s not going to hurt you either.”

  “You know when you have head knowledge—you know some things are true, but you just can’t get your heart to believe it?”

  The rumble in his chest might have been a groan or a laugh. She wasn’t sure.

  She kept going. “That’s how I feel. I know everything’s going to be okay, and I’m talking about the river by the way, but I haven’t quite gotten my body to settle down and be good with it yet. Even though it’s beautiful. I’m glad you suggested it.”

  “Okay. So I guess the good thing out of all that is it’s not me you’re afraid of.”

  It was her turn to snort. “I wouldn’t be here if I were afraid of you.” She turned her head, breathing in his scent—the one that was partially a fresh, clean scent mixed with strength and work in the outdoors—and touched her lips to his neck under his ear.

  His breath caught and stopped. She smiled a little at his reaction. Not because it was funny, but because it made her happy.

  She was tempted to put her tongue out and touch the salty skin, but she turned her head back up, facing the stars again. He hadn’t brought her along on his raft to instigate a make-out session. Although, once her fear of capsizing and being lost in the river alone in the dark was completely gone, the raft might be a good place to make out.

  Definitely different.

  “What?” he asked in the silent darkness. “I can feel you smiling, but I don’t know what you’re smiling about.”

  She could hardly tell him she’d been thinking about making out, that she wanted to but didn’t want to at the same time. That was definitely a woman thing to do. Not be able to make up her mind.

  “Tell me about your mom,” she said instead.

  “I know that’s not what was making you smile. There’s really nothing good to tell.”

  “Oh, come on. There have to be some good memories of your mom.”

  He was quiet for a bit, and the boat rocked slowly back and forth, a little harder as they went over a few ripples before settling back down.

  “I remember her getting us ready for school in the morning. She always made us drink a glass of orange juice. I hated the stuff. And I would take it in the bathroom with me and dump it down the toilet.”

  “So you were a typical kid.”

  He snorted. “Yeah, I guess. She caught me one day though.”

  When he didn’t say any more, she asked, “What happened?”

  He shifted just slightly behind her. “Maybe that’s why I remember it so much, because I didn’t really get in trouble. Normally, it’s something she would’ve been really upset about. Looking back, orange juice isn’t exactly cheap, and I was wasting it every morning. But she seemed surprised that I didn’t like it. She took the empty glass from me and told me I could drink milk instead.”

  The muscles in his throat worked as he swallowed. “I guess I was just really surprised that she wasn’t angry.”

  By that admission, Justice could assume his mother was angry a lot. Or maybe just overstressed because it wasn’t easy to raise four boys. Not that Justice had any idea about that. She hadn’t been around kids much in her life.

  “How old were you when she left?”

  “She waited until Blade was in first grade. I guess that was a small mercy for my dad. That put me in third. What are you? Like eight or so in third grade?”

  He said it like it didn’t really matter, keeping his words deliberately light. There was no way a kid’s mom could leave and have it not affect him. Like she didn’t love them enough to stay. Or like she abandoned him. Didn’t care.

  Of course, it left scars.

  “I think she was gone a year before Dad moved Judy in. They never got married. She just lived there. She had a couple girls about the same age as my brothers. I think she probably cared about us in her own way, although having girls is a lot different than having boys. At least that’s what she used to say. That boys are brats, or something like that.”

  “She called you brats to your face?” Justice asked, unable to keep the incredulousness out of her voice.

  “Yeah, among other things. Looking back, we probably deserved it. We were brats. And undisciplined. Probably real big pains in the butt.�
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  “That is awful. This adult comes in the house and calls you names.” Her parents weren’t perfect, her dad especially could be difficult to live with, but at least she’d never doubted that they loved her.

  “It’s really not a big deal, Justice. I’d seen lots of kids’ real mothers call them names. And we knew we were bad. She wasn’t telling us anything we didn’t know.”

  “You weren’t bad. You were kids. There’s a difference.” She couldn’t get over her shock.

  “Well, she left too. So I guess it doesn’t really matter. I don’t know if she was there ten or twelve years, maybe. I think about the time Foster graduated from high school. I think she was there for his graduation, she had a girl in the same class.”

  “Your stepsister.”

  “Not really. I told you, they just lived together. They never got married.”

  “But she lived in the house with you.”

  “I was in the house as little as I had to be.”

  Chapter 12

  Justice knew there were kids like that out there. Also, in a part of her brain, she knew that growing up like she had with two parents—the same ones her whole childhood—was almost abnormal now. She knew it.

  But still, for Thad to talk about it like it was just so normal, because that was his normal... It made her heart ache but also made her curious as to how that would have shaped him. She knew enough about men that she figured there was probably no point in asking. Even if he did know, he probably wouldn’t be able to find the words to tell her.

  Still, even though she knew it, she couldn’t keep her mouth from asking, “Did that bother you? Doesn’t that still bother you?”

  “What?” He sounded truly puzzled.

  “That your mom left. That your stepmother was a wicked witch. That your home life was so bad you didn’t even want to be in your house. Doesn’t that bother you?”

  She shouldn’t have asked. She shouldn’t have pointed it out. If he truly wasn’t bothered by it, she didn’t want to make him realize that he should have been. But he just didn’t seem to have any emotion. She couldn’t believe that there wasn’t any feeling behind that.

  “Sure. It bothered me. Still does, I guess.” He stopped speaking. She could feel him tense behind her, like he wasn’t sure whether he should say anything more.

  She waited.

  Finally, he said, a little softer, a little less confidently, “I guess I just kind of feel like women leave. I know that’s not fair, and I don’t mean to insult you, but I never really thought about marriage and kids and all that, because I didn’t want to get stuck when whatever girl I’m with decides she wants something different. Or...just leaves.”

  Which reminded Justice of Amber. She was going to ask, but she didn’t have to.

  “I had a girl in school. We weren’t anything more than friends, but we were good friends.”

  “Amber.”

  “Yeah. I guess you knew her too.”

  “I did.” Justice and Amber were friends in school, but Amber rode the bus with Thad and talked about him a lot. They lived close to each other.

  “So, yeah. She died. It was between the time my mom and Judy left. Just...they always leave.”

  She bit her lips. What could she say to that? He knew not every woman was like the ones he had experience with, but he couldn’t stop the way his experiences had shaped him.

  “I guess, too, if I really think about it, I think a lot of girls are fake. My stepmother, she was always super sweet in public. And she was different when my dad was around. I don’t know why I always thought her true self was the one where she was being mean. Maybe her true self was the one where she was being nice. Or maybe they were both her true selves. I don’t know.”

  Justice thought about that for a bit after he’d finished. But all she could think of to say was, “Thanks. I guess I wasn’t expecting you to answer me. But I really wanted to know.”

  A little air huffed out, like he was chuckling under his breath. And his hand dropped down and trailed in the water, creating a little trickle of sound. “I guess I kind of figured you did something hard for me tonight, that you didn’t really want to do, because we’re here, floating down the river. And you’d rather be on dry ground, somewhere safe. I guess I can do something that feels a little unsafe for you.”

  “Unsafe?”

  He was quiet for a while, his fingers still trailing in the water, his breathing steady behind her. Finally, he turned his head, and his lips brushed her forehead.

  “I guess in order to tell you that, I did trust a little bit. Trust you. And maybe that’s something I took from my childhood. It’s not easy to trust women. I know it’s not fair to lump all women in the world in the same category as my mom and stepmom and the girls who lived with us, and also Amber, I guess.”

  She noticed he didn’t say stepsisters. And she found that odd. She doubted she was going to hear about that.

  “But that’s what we do, isn’t it? We have a bad experience with a person named Jim, and we don’t really like the name Jim. No matter who has that name. Right? So I guess I just did that with women.”

  “I see. You’re right.” She had her teeth clamped down on her tongue. Because she’d already pried way more than what a person should. Finally, she couldn’t keep the question in any longer. “The girls that lived with you? Judy’s daughters. You can’t call them your stepsisters?”

  He huffed. “No. They weren’t my age, and I didn’t do anything with them anyway. I already told you I wasn’t home any more than I had to be. But I think the younger one did something to Foster. He was good friends with the one that was his age for a while, or it seemed like he was. We never talked about it. But something happened, and I don’t think he’s talked to her since she graduated. Nothing I know about anyway.”

  There didn’t seem to be anything more to say about that. He didn’t seem inclined to give details, and she wasn’t going to ask for them.

  Thad spoke. “I heard from somewhere that daughter was coming back and going to move in with my dad. I guess she’s going through a divorce or something. Had a chuckle about that, because Foster was going to live with my dad for the summer, while he renovated his place. Bet he changes his mind if Holland moves in too.”

  Justice laughed with him. Because it was kind of funny. The idea of a stepbrother and stepsister who didn’t get along moving back in together. But it was also sad in a way.

  She was content to let go. She’d pushed enough for tonight.

  They floated lazily down in the dark for a while. The rocking motion, the soothing river sounds, the stars, and the cool breeze that kissed her flushed cheeks all combined to relax her. Her eyes drifted closed.

  His voice kind of startled her, since she wasn’t expecting him to speak. “You know, with my mom leaving, and the stepmom, and everything, I guess that probably was part of it. But the worst thing was when Mariam accused Blade of molesting her. And he denied it. But he ended up in prison anyway. That just kinda solidified everything in my head that I’d been thinking.”

  She’d been half-asleep. So content and relaxed that it took a few minutes before his words really penetrated into her brain, and she thought about what he said.

  Realization dawned in a shocking kind of way.

  “That was my sister. My sister that put your brother in prison. It made you distrust women. And yet you’re here with me.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you trusted me?”

  “Yeah.”

  She wanted to say something about how hard that must have been, but it sounded trivial. The words would not do the thought justice. But she could acknowledge to herself what a big step this had been for him.

  Being with her, yeah, that was a big step. But talking about it? It was huge.

  Even though she still believed that Blade was guilty and was disgusted by what he had tried to do to Mariam, she understood that Thad believed in Blade’s innocence. The idea that there was no evidence, and Bla
de went to prison anyway, might turn someone against the person they thought had lied.

  She didn’t need to agree in order to understand how that might have affected him.

  And they didn’t need to get into an argument now about whether or not Blade was guilty and whether or not he deserved the prison sentence that he had been given. They’d already discussed it, and they disagreed. She wasn’t changing her opinion. Mariam hadn’t been wrong.

  “Thanks for saying that. I can see the connection and how the effect would be amplified because of your childhood.”

  “I figured you’d understand.”

  She felt even more honored than before, that he had shared what he had with her.

  “So what about you?” he finally asked. “You hate men? Why?”

  “I don’t hate men,” she said automatically, knowing even as she said it that it wasn’t quite true.

  “Sure you do. Win the competition. Beat the guys. Prove that women are superior. I’m okay with that. Women are superior in some ways. Like your shape for example.”

  She chuckled, liking that he asked her a serious question but made her laugh too.

  “There must be something that started that. Something that makes you feel like you need to win. Against men in particular.”

  She thought about it for a while, rubbing her thumb over his hand as she did so.

  Obviously, men and women were different. She’d never really appreciated those differences maybe. Resented them, almost. But being with Thad, who was different than any other man she’d ever been around for any length of time, had maybe helped her appreciate some of those differences. She actually liked that he was bigger than she was. That he pushed her to do things she might not do without him. Like now. But to say where her resentment began was difficult.

  “I suppose it’s a part of the culture that we were raised in. You know, men have all the advantages, women don’t have any.”

  He kind of grunted behind her. She couldn’t tell whether it was in agreement or disagreement. But if one compared his story with hers, she was the one with all the advantages. There wasn’t a single point in their lives where he had an advantage over her. Not in their families, not their homes, not their school. She’d had it all. And yet he didn’t hate and resent women because she had had a better family life and upbringing than he had.