Carol knew.
There was a fist-sized pain in Charlotte’s chest. Carol had known about this all along and she hadn’t bothered to mention it to her only daughter. The one she claimed to have never forgotten. She kept her voice low, but she could hear the emotion she was trying to hide break through. ‘You knew? You knew this life-changing information and you didn’t say anything?’
Carol nodded slowly, biting her lip. ‘My mum had it. My doctor said I should get checked out, but I’m chicken, to be honest. I don’t want to know, I don’t want it hanging over me. It’s one of those things, isn’t it… you put your head in the sand? If you get it, you get it.’
The disappointment mingled with anger. ‘No, actually. I wanted to know. I deserve to know, I think, and so do my kids. There are lots of options these days, options I’m going to take to stop me from getting it. But… I really wish you’d said something about it.’
Carol looked terrified all over again. ‘I was going to mention it, love. Build up to it, you know, once we’d met a couple of times. It’s not something you can just say out loud after meeting someone for the first time.’
I just did. And it was bloody hard, but she’d tried to be brave because she’d thought Carol deserved to know too. She’d put herself on the line, worried over and over and over about saying the words. Lost sleep. Stressed. Argued with Ben.
Was none of that important? Was she not important enough to warrant being told?
Maybe they didn’t have so much in common after all. Charlotte fought the expanding anger rising through her. ‘Well, I have the gene, so you really probably do have it too, because I must have got it from you. There’s a test…’ She pulled out the crumpled leaflet and pushed it across the coffee table. ‘You probably should have it. It’s just a blood test… no big deal.’ Until you got the result.
Carol’s hands were shaking. ‘But, what if…? What if…? I saw my mum go through it…’
Charlotte sat back, suddenly feeling very tired, the rush of emotion exhausting her. ‘Then I’m sure you’ll deal with it, like I’m having to.’
‘But I’m not like you, Charlotte. I’m not strong and brave. I just bumble along.’
The tea towel on Carol’s knee had been wound into a tight ball, the strain across the taut fabric showing the stitches on the hems, tiny bits of cotton thread pulling and tugging, unravelling in places. That was how Charlotte felt. Tight and stretched and on the verge of unravelling. ‘I’m not all that strong, actually. I just do what I have to do. I thought you should know, that’s all. I wouldn’t want silence on my conscience.’
Yes, it was a barb. Yes, she meant it to hurt. But lashing out wasn’t going to make any of this better.
But Carol didn’t seem to notice. ‘I’m sorry, love. I should have said something before.’
‘Yes, you should have. It would have been helpful. At least I’d have known what I was facing. Is there anything else you’ve not told me? Any other health issues in the family?’
Carol shook her head. ‘No. Not that I can think of. David… my brother… your uncle, I suppose… he’s got diabetes, but it’s the one you get later on and I don’t think it’s genetic, but I could be wrong. And Paul’s fine. So far. Touch wood.’ She tapped the coffee table twice and smiled. ‘I’ll have a think and let you know of anything next time I see you. Or before, if you want. I could email you?’
‘Yes. That would be good. Thanks.’ Relief mingled with Charlotte’s frustration. She wasn’t sure what to say next but she still had so many questions. ‘Er… David and Paul, my uncles… do they have families?’
‘Yes. Yes, they do. David has two boys and Paul has a girl. They’re older than you. All of them.’ Carol’s face screwed up a little as she thought. ‘They don’t know about you, though.’
Charlotte didn’t know whether she wanted to know them, whether she wanted to even meet them, but there was a ripple of something in the centre of her chest. A whole family was out there somewhere. Overwhelming. Cousins. Aunties. People she could turn to, have fun with. People who could have filled up her side of the church pews. Her whole life, she’d been on her own when there was this; something to belong to. ‘They must have known you were pregnant, though? That’s not something you can hide after a while, is it?’
‘No. Only my mum knew, but she didn’t say anything to them. The boys had both left home by then and they weren’t too interested in us. We don’t have a lot to do with each other.’
‘So, don’t you think they’d want to know me? Know I at least exist?’ That was the right thing to do. Surely? Yes, she wanted to know them, to meet them at least. So much. It didn’t seem fair she’d been unaware of them for so long and now they were within touching distance. Charlotte’s head went into overdrive, imagining a family reunion, tight hugs, big smiles. A family.
‘Oh…’ Carol snapped back, palms in the air, as if she’d been stung. ‘No, I don’t know about that. I don’t know how I’d be able to tell them after all this time. It’s hard, you know, facing a lie like that. And it’s a big deal. Secrets. Secrets like that, keeping them from your family, could cause a lot of damage. I don’t know what they’d say. I dread to think how they’d react.’
That was an outright no, there was no missing the intent. Charlotte’s throat felt crackly. Raw. And for someone who rarely cried, she felt the prick of tears in her eyes. She blinked them away. She wasn’t going to cry over yet another rejection from her birth mother. ‘Oh, I know all about secrets. And how they cause a lot of problems.’
‘So you understand, then.’
‘No, not really, not about something like this.’ Charlotte knew about keeping people in the dark. She knew about hiding her emotions, pretending things were fine when they weren’t. But this was about someone’s life. Their whole life.
This was a huge secret, she understood that, and there was little she could do if her mother didn’t want anyone to know of her existence. Never mind about her uncles; even Charlotte didn’t know what to think or how to feel now. Her mother had seemed so strong, a fighter… to have had a child and loved it enough to give it away must have been borne of strength. But now? Now it seemed as if she’d shut down, become anxious and scared. She didn’t even want to tell her family she had a daughter.
But who knew what had happened to her in the intervening years?
How could Charlotte judge the choices someone else had made when she’d never been in their shoes? All she knew was that she had to get out of here and get her thoughts in some order before she said or did the wrong thing. ‘Look, Carol, I’d better get going.’ Carol. It was definitely Carol, not Mum. At least that one thing was clear.
‘Oh yes. The planning.’
‘Yes.’ Charlotte stood up, swiftly followed by Carol, who was still clutching the tea towel like some sort of comforter.
‘Well, have a lovely wedding. You’ll be fine, love. A few nerves are normal. Talk to Ben, that’s the main thing.’
‘I will.’ It was definitely a matter of when, not if. She just had to find the right time, but who knew when that was going to be?
‘And you’ll come see me after the wedding?’ Carol opened her arms for a hug, and Charlotte went into them, but it was forced and stiff.
‘I’ll be in touch.’ That was the only promise she could make right now.
That was another thing about choices; they could hurt. Yes, she wanted to get to know her birth mother, but she was a little afraid she might not like her very much.
Could she learn to like her? To love her? She wanted to. So very much. That was the thing about staring down the barrel of a gun; she wanted to squeeze every drop out of every relationship. But building something here would take time and effort she didn’t know she had in her.
Things were already off to an unsteady start. Intense and yet disconnected and forced as they floundered around trying to cram as much information into the minutes as possible, all while trying not to be hurtful or intrusive. It was confusing,
mostly, and painful.
But this was her mother, after all. DNA and dodgy genes, but someone she shared real flesh and blood with, and you couldn’t turn your back on that, could you? Well, no, Charlotte determined. Even if Carol had done it to her, she wasn’t about to do it back. No matter how much pain there was stretching the gap between them, wider and wider.
Trouble was, it wasn’t just Carol she was having issues with; the gaps between Charlotte and all the people close to her seemed to be stretching wider and wider too, and she didn’t know how to straddle any of it.
***
‘Shhh… she’s here. Shhhh.’ Eileen’s voice wafted through from the lounge and the giggling Charlotte heard, as she stepped through the front door, stopped. ‘Hello, Charlotte, love. You’re late, everything okay?’
Not really. ‘Sorry. Sorry. People to see, things to do, you know how it is for a busy bride.’ Charlotte determined to throw off the dark mood she’d been in during the Tube ride back. She was rebounding from one surreal experience to another and felt strangely discombobulated. Hen weekend planning. Hen weekend. Happy face, she reminded herself, putting gargantuan effort into finding one for them. ‘But I’m here now. What are we talking about?’
‘Seriously, woman? What do you think we’re talking about? Booze, brides and… oh, what starts with a B and is to do with men’s… oh, yes… bodies and bits!’ Shelley handed her a glass of bubbly. Always there was fizz these days when they got together. No wonder there was a worldwide shortage of Prosecco forecast. ‘Come on, Charlie, think of something starting with B.’
Wow. The only things Charlotte could think of were the boobs she was going to lose, the mess she was making of things with Carol. And Eileen, if she ever found out where her daughter had spent the last hour. And definitely with Ben. ‘Ah, yes. Ben!’
‘He doesn’t count. You can’t pick a whole man, where’s the fun in that? You have to pick a part of a man. The funny parts. Balls!’ shouted Niamh, then reddened. ‘Sorry, Eileen; it was the only thing I could think of.’
‘Builders’ beautiful bums!’ Mia winked and giggled. ‘Do I get extra points for three words?’
‘No. We’re not playing Scattergories, we’re talking dirty. Oh… er… bulging biceps.’ Eileen laughed. She was really letting her guard down these days. Quite a new woman with this gang. She turned to Charlotte and whispered, ‘See, I can do this. I can.’
‘Mum, I really think you have the wrong idea of what talking dirty means.’
‘Never underestimate me, Charlotte. I wasn’t in charge of lower sixth for seventeen years without learning a thing or two.’ Eileen called across the room, ‘Don’t worry, Niamh. I’m not easily offended.’
‘Thank God for that. Because next weekend is going to be challenging if you are. Okay, altogether! Sing! One, two, three… Here comes the bride! All dressed in… pink!’
They all joined in; Eileen, Shelley, Mia, Sonja and Niamh… the only person quiet – unusually so – was Lissa, who was standing at the back of the room a little way from everyone else, but she smiled and raised a glass containing something that looked a lot like water, knowledge of the secrets between them evident in her eyes.
Had she made a decision yet? Told Ryan? Made a plan?
Charlotte desperately needed some time alone with Lissa, but that wasn’t going to happen any time soon. End-of-term classes were hectic with mums rebooking for next term and her evenings were filled with the wedding.
‘Here comes the bride! All dressed in pink!’
The screeches of laughter made Charlotte ache to feel so carefree as she dragged her eyes from Lissa and looked at the beaming – slightly drunken – faces. ‘Yes! Here I am! Looks like you’ve all got a head start on me with the booze. But what’s with the pink?’
Mia dipped her hand into a plastic bag and pulled out a cellophane package. ‘It’s your extra-special T-shirt for the weekend. This is going to be such fun. Here’s yours too, Eileen. Make sure you wear them on Friday to the airport. We might get special attention, upgraded or something.’
Or kicked off the plane.
‘Thanks.’ Charlotte took the fluorescent pink T-shirt with the word Bride. In silver sparkles. Looked at Eileen’s Mother of the Bride. In silver sparkles. And Chief Bridesmaid in a size that three weeks ago would have fitted Lissa nicely, but now might not stretch across her growing boobs. In sparkles. ‘I’m honoured. I really am.’
‘You’d better wear it. We’ve all got them, look.’ Mia pulled hers out of the bag and held it up. Hen. In sparkles. God only knew what else they had in store for her if this was something they were handing out now.
‘I really do hope this is all you’ve got?’
There was a silence as her hens looked at one another and grinned. Charlotte’s heart slumped. Eileen gave a little chuckle, her eyes flickering to a bulging plastic bag on the floor next to Mia’s feet. ‘Now, we don’t want to spoil anything, do we? Who’s for a top-up? Lissa? Your glass is empty.’
Lissa gave Charlotte a sideways glance, shook her head and said, very confidently, ‘Not for me, thanks, Eileen. I’ve got a tooth abcess. The dentist gave me antibiotics. No drinking for me, I’m afraid.’
Shelley looked at Lissa as if she had two heads. ‘Never stopped you before. I hope you’ll be sorted by Friday?’
‘I think so. But it’s a nasty infection. Might need a root canal or something.’
Shelley made an ouch face. ‘Well, keep taking the tablets, lovey, you don’t want to get all swollen and looking like a chipmunk on the wedding photos.’
‘Gee, thanks. I sincerely hope not.’
Charlotte smiled to herself. There was no abcess, no infection. It was all just excuses. The only swollen thing about Lissa would be those boobs and possibly, but only very slightly, her tummy.
Nurse Sonja chipped in. ‘You don’t need to be teetotal for all antibiotics. There are some you can drink alcohol with. Which ones did they give you?’
Oooh.
‘Oh. I can’t remember. Fluc… something… no, was it amez… something? Why do they have to have such difficult names? Why can’t they be called tooth infection tablets?’ Lissa frowned, nonchalantly. Charlotte had to admit she was lying very well.
Sonja stuck out her hand. ‘Got the bottle? Pass it over. I’ll have a quick look.’
The nonchalance was replaced by a fleeting moment of panic, then it returned. ‘Ah. I think I left it at home. Sorry.’
‘Never mind. Text me the name and I’ll let you know. If necessary you can ask the dentist to give you some meds you can drink alcohol with. Got to be able to drink in Amsterdam, right?’
‘Of course. Of course. I just hope they get on top of the damned infection. Anyhow… let’s get down to business.’ Lissa shot Charlotte an almost busted look, then rallied. ‘I’ve emailed you all the reference numbers for the flights, so you just need to download the airline app and you’ll be good to go. We meet at the airport at eleven. Flight’s at one. We’ll be there in plenty of time to check into the houseboats then go out on the town.’
‘Shopping.’ Mia’s eyes lit up. ‘Duty free and in Amsterdam. Double fun.’
‘Museums?’ Eileen clapped her hands.
Niamh chirped up. ‘What time’s Ben’s flight to Dublin? Is he going from Gatwick too?’
Lissa came and sat down on the sofa. ‘Nah. They’re going from Heathrow.’
Charlotte inhaled sharply. How did Lissa know that? Had Charlotte mentioned it? ‘They’re heading out earlier than us, so they can catch opening time.’
Lissa smiled in a weird way. ‘It would have been fun for us all to go to the airport together.’
‘Why?’ The giggling and laughter screeched to a halt in Charlotte’s head. Why did Lissa want to spend time with Ben? Why did she know his timetable? Charlotte’s gut contracted. ‘Why would that be fun? A bunch of guys, probably drunk, definitely being loud, and probably not funny. Really not your thing, is it, Lissa?’
‘Oh.’ Lis
sa looked taken aback. ‘It was just a thought. Nothing, really. You okay?’
The question everyone seemed to be asking her recently.
No. I’m not okay.
NO! Everything’s falling apart and there’s two weeks until I marry someone who doesn’t know I’ve lied. Who doesn’t know my future and… now you know things about him that you shouldn’t.
Shut up. Shut up. Charlotte wanted to switch her mind off and relax. She wanted everything to be how it was before. Before she’d had crippling news. Before she’d done stuff she really wasn’t proud of. Before she’d had stupid thoughts about her best friend and boyfriend having something weird going on.
Chapter Thirteen
‘I’ve been thinking.’
‘Uh-oh. That could be dangerous.’ Charlotte forced a laugh as she steered the car into St Anne’s Church car park. A final meeting of the happy couple with the priest before the wedding day. She was trying to be upbeat while knowing both of them were feeling very different things about the marriage than when they’d bounced in here a year ago so filled with excitement.
They’d come here today because they had to, but she got the feeling Ben would rather be anywhere than doing this. She felt the same. Because nothing had been sorted over the last few days. The tension between them was building and so thick it felt as if she was going to suffocate.
He grimaced. ‘Given the fact that neither of us has written anything, maybe we should just do the standard vows. It’d be less pressure on both of us.’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I like the idea of making it personal. Especially if Father Lukas is happy for us to do it.’ She got out of the car and waited for Ben to do the same. Which he did, very slowly, almost the way Lissa had walked to get her pregnancy test results. Every step was a trudge. There was an air of belligerence between them that couldn’t be shaken. ‘We just need to focus on it, that’s all. Give it some more dedicated time.’ Like our relationship.
The Other Life of Charlotte Evans Page 16
