Lia scooted closer to M’Tek, finally settling between us on the sofa, and allowing M’Tek to draw her into a hug. M’Tek held my gaze over Lia’s head, mouthing the words, I’m so sorry, Lore. I nodded and reached to squeeze M’Tek’s shoulder. When M’Tek released her, Lia took M’Tek’s hand, holding it tightly. For the remainder of the afternoon, Ania thought up an endless stream of questions, as Lia sat near, silently watching M’Tek, as if frightened she might disappear again.
Pet didn’t join us for dinner, and as M’Tek was the far more interesting parent to both of my daughters that evening, I stole away from the table early to seek out my friend. I knocked at the door to her sitting room, but there was no response. I knew she was likely out walking along the cliffs, so I headed out to track her down. I found her alone at her favorite lookout point. The wind was high across the headland, so even with her acute Fae senses, she didn’t hear my approach. I came to a stop beside her, draping an arm across her lower back.
“Have you ever wondered why I always come to this point on the cliffs?” Pet asked without turning to look at me.
“I assumed it was the view. It’s spectacular here,” I observed.
“But that’s not the reason,” she replied.
“Tell me,” I said next to her ear.
“This was my mother’s favorite lookout point. She liked to bring me here when I was small. We would climb down to swim sometimes, but usually we just gazed out at the glowing water together,” she explained. “And then one day, she carried me out here, placed me down at the edge, where I’m standing now, and then she jumped to her death.”
“Deus, Pet!” I said. “I’d no idea.”
“Because I never told you,” Pet replied. “I know what it is to lose a mother. Your girls are blessed, as is my cousin. You’ve brought her back from the dead. Shiroane has told everyone that she saw you return life to my cousin’s cold corpse through a simple kiss,” Pet said, turning her head to the side to appraise me. “Is the High Priest correct? Are you Deus?”
“Pet, I’m sorry,” I said gently.
“How could you possibly be sorry? This must be the happiest day of your life, and your daughters’ lives. You’ve restored life to their dead mother. And you’ve returned my cousin to me,” Pet observed. “You’ve given the Fae back their Queen.”
“That’s not why I’m sorry,” I admitted. “I love M’Tek more than my own life.”
“Then my cousin’s the most fortunate woman alive,” Pet said. “Are you aware that I’m profoundly in love with you?” she asked. She laughed at her own question and shook her head. “Of course you’re aware of it. I’ve made no secret of my feelings. But what am I supposed to do now, when my hopes are shattered?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“She was dead. I mourned her,” Pet whispered. “I wouldn’t have let myself feel so much if…”
“Everyone thought she was gone,” I interrupted.
“You didn’t,” Pet said. “You tried to tell me, I know, but you were grief stricken,” she observed. “When you seemed almost happy, and you finally quit wearing those dark clothes, I thought maybe it was because of me. I thought you were beginning to feel for me what I feel for you.”
“Pet,” I said her name gently, and her head came to rest on my shoulder, her forehead pressed to my neck.
“Why do you always have to smell so wonderful?” she whispered as an arm came across my back, holding me close to her. “You said you love her more than your own life,” she observed. “That’s how I feel about you,” she said. “And I love your daughters. I wanted to be a mother to them. I’ve tried so hard. You’ll never know how I’ve tried. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, my family.”
“You’re extremely important to Ania and Lia,” I said, trying to reassure her.
“But I’m not their mother. I’ve been a poor substitute. And I’ll never be wanted in your bed, as you explained so succinctly,” she added. “I’ve waited so long for you, Lore. I don’t think I can let go now.”
“You know I love you, Pet,” I said.
“Yes, but not the way I want you to love me,” she observed. “Why does she deserve you? I’ve loved you as long as she has, maybe longer. We could have been so happy together. I would have lived to make you smile. You’re everything to me.”
“Can you be happy for me?” I asked.
“Of course I’m happy for you,” she said emphatically. “I love you. I want to see your eyes light up, even if it’s because you’re looking at her.”
“Is this my fault?” I asked.
“It’s no one’s fault,” Pet replied, absolving me when I doubted I deserved such generosity.
“What can I do for you?” I asked. “How can I make this easier?”
“Send me away,” she replied without a moment’s thought. “Give me a task in Saranedam, or I’ll go to Tannukyn. I’ve never even seen my family seat. I’m told the place is in need of repairs. If I can get through the next few months, I might survive this.”
“But you can’t leave me,” I said too quickly, beginning to panic. “I need you here. You’re my strength, Pet.”
“You don’t need me anymore, Lore. You have her back. And if I stay here, and watch as my cousin enjoys everything I’ve been yearning so long for, I’ll go mad. If you love me at all, don’t make me witness it. Let me recover my sanity in peace,” she demanded.
“All right,” I consented. “When do you want to leave?”
“I’d go now, but that would be too obvious,” she replied with a tense laugh. “So, I’ll leave tomorrow morning.”
I started to turn away, to head back to the palace, but her hand came out to catch my shoulder.
“Pet, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said. “Please, just stay out here with me a little longer,” she pleaded, as tears started to run down her cheeks. “I need to memorize the feel of you next to me, the smell of you, the rhythm of your breathing. It’s all I’ll have to take with me.”
She wrapped her arms around me and pressed her face against my throat as she cried. I hesitated only a moment before my arms slipped around her, holding her slender shoulders as she shook. It was my fault, after all. I ran my fingers through her beautiful copper hair and cradled her head as she cried.
I wandered back into the palace a few hours later, and made my way to my rooms. M’Tek had long since put Lia and Ania to bed, and sat reading in a chair in the sitting room. Her gaze shifted from her book to me as I entered the room.
“How is my cousin handling the shock?” she asked softly.
“I don’t think I should discuss her with you,” I replied.
“All right,” she said, accepting my refusal and raising her book again.
“You’ll really let it go?” I asked, surprised.
“As you wish,” she said in a cool tone. “I wouldn’t want to challenge your authority, my Queen.”
“You always get upset with me when I…” I started, but the expression on M’Tek’s face stopped me.
“When you what?” she asked quietly. “You’ll have to spell it out for me clearly, since you’ve been blocking me from your mind all evening,” she snapped. “Do you think it was easy for me to remain in this room reading all evening, while you consoled my cousin over my return from the dead?” she asked, restraining the fury in her voice. “I love Pet, so I’m trying very hard to understand why she’s clearly devastated that I’m alive,” she added. “If I didn’t know better, and if you had not assured me of your faithfulness, I’d be inclined to believe that my beloved cousin claimed my place in your life, and in our bed.”
“For four years Pet thought you were dead,” I pointed out. “She mourned for you, M’Tek. Believe me. She wasn’t trying to seduce me the moment you were gone. But she’s been helping me with the girls, and with the work of ruling two realms, all the while trying to comfort me through my own, very profound, grief. During all of that, somehow, she fell in love.
It wasn’t something she chose.”
“Have you managed to appease her?” M’Tek asked in a gentler tone.
“I’m sending her to Saranedam,” I replied. “I’ll make her my Prime in Nogeland.”
“That’s an excellent idea,” M’Tek observed.
“I don’t know how else to keep her with us,” I said. “Pet asked for a task, something to keep her mind occupied. She threatened to leave us completely, to return to Tannukyn, where she would be beyond our reach. She’s been helping me rule both Faeland and Nogeland for years now. I’m just making it official, I guess. I’ll give her the Baneland Territory to oversee too, I think.”
“Lore, you may think I have no reason to ask this, but I’m Fae, and my senses are more powerful than yours, my sense of smell in particular,” M’Tek said calmly. “Do I need to worry about your feelings for my cousin?” I shook my head.
“No,” I said evenly. “I love Pet, probably more than I should. I find her beautiful, gentle, and warm. If you had truly been lost to me, I would have found solace with her. I won’t deny that. Now, hear me when I say this, because I won’t say it again. Nothing ever happened between us, and as long as you live, nothing could.”
“Fair enough,” she said, stretching before placing her book down on the side table. “It’s been a long day. Let’s go to bed, my love.”
Three years later
M’Tek was putting Eren through her paces while I watched. The dark, leggy, little filly had grown into an elegant young mare, and had taken eagerly to her training. As I watched, M’Tek asked for an extended trot, and Eren gracefully stretched her long legs beneath her, her back remaining rounded, her head exactly perpendicular to the ground, the bit soft in her mouth. M’Tek pressed her into a leg yield, and Eren glided over the ground at the perfect angle to the rail. M’Tek had been correct when she said the filly would grey out, but she was still dark, with only a few dapples on her hindquarters.
As I watched, M’Tek collected Eren beneath her, encouraging the mare to lift her hocks and knees, elevating her movement into passage. It was the first time M’Tek had been able to coax that particular movement from Eren, and I saw a broad smile of satisfaction reshape M’Tek’s face, as they appeared to almost float above the ground. She urged Eren forward into a simple collected trot and began patting the mare on her neck vigorously, clearly excited with the accomplishment.
M’Tek raised her gaze to me as she slowed Eren to a walk and headed over to where I waited for her, balancing on the rail. I patted Eren on the shoulder, and told her what a good girl she was, as M’Tek grinned at me.
“That was amazing,” I offered.
“I know,” M’Tek said, her grin turning cocky. “She’s very willing.”
“I came to tell you, I received a letter from Pet,” I said, smiling.
“A personal letter?” M’Tek asked, raising an eyebrow.
Pet had cut off all communication with us after her move to Saranedam Palace. We’d allowed it, hoping in time she would feel comfortable with us again.
“Yes, well, partially,” I replied.
I received communication from her continuously in regard to her duties as Prime of Nogeland. The letters were always prefaced formally to Your Majesty the Noge Queen, and signed impersonally by the Grand Duchess of Tannuk, Prime of Nogeland. The formality of Pet’s tone always left me feeling as though I’d been slapped. I suspected that was her intent.
“Well, what did she write?” M’Tek asked.
“I’ll walk with you while you cool Eren down,” I replied.
M’Tek gathered her reins and dismounted. Eren tried to rub her face against M’Tek, but M’Tek quickly moved away from the mare’s head. I watched as M’Tek ran her stirrups up, and loosened the girth, before leading Eren out of the arena to join me. I waited, appreciating the fit of M’Tek’s breeches as she approached.
“So, is she finally coming for a visit?” M’Tek asked when I fell in step with her.
“No,” I replied. “At least she’s communicating with me again, though, I mean about something other than the tedious details of governing Nogeland and Baneland.”
“A definite improvement,” M’Tek agreed with a nod.
“She’s involved with someone,” I said, raising an eyebrow at M’Tek. “He’s Noge. Lord Carlen of the House Vischieu, if you can picture it,” I said, trying to imagine the two together. It was difficult for me to picture Pet with anyone. “Can you imagine kissing someone with all those whiskers?”
“I’m not certain how best to respond to that,” M’Tek replied, grinning. “I’m pleased for her, though.”
“Do you think they’ll join?” I asked, diverting my eyes to the cliffs in the distance. I truly wanted Pet to be happy, but the idea of her joining with anyone, especially Lord Carlen, with his square shoulders and strong jaw, troubled me.
“I wouldn’t count on it,” M’Tek said. “It’s not in my cousin’s nature to settle down.”
“I wish she’d invite the girls to the summer solstice celebration at Saranedam this year,” I observed. “Do you think she might if I hint at it?” I asked. “They’ve grown so much since the last time she saw them,” I observed. “I know they’d love to spend time with her. Ania especially.”
“I think you should be happy Pet’s finally opened up with you a little. Don’t push her,” M’Tek said. “She’s made it clear. She’s not comfortable being around us.”
“But I miss her so much,” I admitted.
M’Tek reached her arm across my shoulders, drawing me against her before pressing a kiss to my temple. I wrapped my arm across her back, enjoying the horsey smell mixed with citrus that permeated the air around us.
“What else did my cousin have to say?” M’Tek asked.
“Only gossip. Apparently, Nogeland is a hotbed of adultery and confused parentage,” I said, laughing.
“Really?” M’Tek chuckled. “Pet has always enjoyed exaggerating scandal, unless of course it was about me.”
“Do you think it will ever be the way it was between us all?” I asked. M’Tek shrugged.
“Maybe, if you’re patient, and you want it badly enough,” M’Tek observed. “You seem to have a knack for getting what you want, my love.”
“Yes, I suppose I do,” I agreed, dropping my head to M’Tek’s shoulder.
The Changeling Page 49
