by T. Rudacille
***
My father’s memories invaded my mind, because he was sleeping, and I was sleeping, and in his sleep, he was dreaming of the past. His body was heavy from the alcohol, and his vision was blurred. His fist was pounding on the door of her apartment.
“Lara!” He shouted, “Lara! Open the door!”
My mother had never had an apartment. He knew that. Somewhere in his drunken mind, he knew it was not her apartment. But still, he kept banging on the door, shouting her name. Banging, banging, banging, banging, banging, on the door… It was so loud. It woke me up. It scared me. For years, that sound would terrify me, even when I could barely remember why.
It dawned on him that he had a key. It took several minutes to find it, and several minutes more to slip it into the lock. The door crashed open, and she was there.
“Seeing him again, aren’t you?!”
He didn’t want to do it, really he didn’t, but he grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her with him as he walked towards her bedroom. Except it was not her bedroom, and the exclamation of pain she made was not in her voice. When she screamed, it was not the screams he was so used to hearing behind their bedroom door at home, when she became hysterical and uncontrollable and in need of temporary imprisonment.
“Did you go see her, too?! She is dead to us!” He shouted at her as he forced her onto the bed, pulled her pants down, and covered her mouth sloppily with one hand to stop her from calling him “Dan” or “Dad” or something similar, to stop her from begging.
“She dead like Luc. Deader than Luc…”
He was inside of her, and she was quiet, only sobbing now, her hands clawing the black bedspread… Their bedspread was white… Something wasn’t right. When he finished, she turned over and slapped him so hard that he crashed to the floor.
“Lara…” He moaned, crawling after her as she stormed into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. For such a long time, she vomited. When it was over, there was a phone in her hand, and she was crying out a woman’s name. All she could do was stammer, stammer out this woman’s name. R…R…R… Ray… Ray.. Chal… R… R… Ray… Chal… Rachel. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel.
He was gone before that woman came, and it was the next day he realized what he had done. Only for a moment did he let himself realize it and hate it, hate himself. When he got drunk again two weeks later, and it happened again, he knew it was not Lara. It was not his wife. He had broken this girl’s hand when she tried to call the police, and he had not meant to.
When she told him and Lara two months later that she was pregnant, they had shouted at and mocked her. He had overheard Maura telling her that she would pay for an abortion, but she had refused. And when the news came to him through Maura that the baby was gone, he pictured her bleeding out on her living room floor, surrounded by blood and tissue and insides, and she deserved it, because he knew, more surely than he had ever known anything, that she had killed Luc as revenge…
That I had killed Luc as revenge for them exposing me to Michael, for letting him rape me…
My eyes shot open, and I was sobbing in Adam’s arms because he had been holding me as I dreamed. Penny was beside me, holding my hand, and James was stroking my hair and kissing my forehead.
“It is a nightmare, my love.” Adam whispered as I curled up into a ball against him, making myself smaller than I had ever made myself before. “It is over now, my sweet love.”
“You’re alright, baby.” James told me, “Everyone’s alright. We’re all still here. We’re all right here with you.”
“Adam…” I whispered, and only he could hear me, “Please… don’t… let… Daniel…”
His heart plummeted; it was lost forever, I feared. He could not imagine it; he could not fathom a sickness that could make a man… To his own child?! I could not tell James, because James would tear through that jail to find him. Adam wanted him dead; in his heart, his rage was boundless, but he was controlling himself for my sake. James would jump the guards the next time they came into the room, tear through the prison until he found my father, and kill him brutally, even if he would be killed for it.
“I can’t keep it away anymore, Adam.” I cried, and my desperation to keep those terrible memories at bay was evident in my voice.
“I know, sweetheart. I am so sorry. It is the final stage. It is the last stage of your evolution. You must face everything, even that which you have suppressed. You must face all your demons, even those about which you did not know. I am so sorry, my love.”
“She has faced everything.” James told him, “She is strong, and she doesn’t run from anything. She has faced them all before and won.”
I cried harder into Adam’s neck but reached back to take James’s hand.
“Alright. Alright. Come now, my love.” Adam was whispering. He laid me on the cot and waited for Penny to hop up beside me and lay on my chest. Then, he covered us both up with the blanket. James laid on the other side of Penny and draped his arm over us both. My hands grasped his arm but my eyes stayed fixed on Adam’s.
“Go back to sleep now, Mama.” Penny told me softly, “James, Adam, and I won’t let anyone hurt you. We’ll protect you.”
“She is right as always. Just like her perfect mother.” Adam told me softly as he wiped the tears from my eyes.
I nodded and kissed her forehead.
“Rest now, baby.” James told me softly, “Close your eyes.”
My grip on his arm tightened, and in my other hand, I held Adam’s. Adam was stroking my hair lightly, Penny was cuddled up against my chest, and James was holding me so tightly in his arms. With the three of them around me, sleep was able to take me back easily.
