Fuck, I said it—I do love her. That’s just sick. I can’t remember a single time she’d ever hugged me or told me she loved me. I thought maybe there’d been one memory, but no, there wasn’t. She’d spewed hate most of her life and now, just when it looked like she might have agreed to get the help she needed, she was dead. Just goes to show you, no one is guaranteed a tomorrow.
Eventually, I passed out and only woke up when we arrived back to the studio. I got in my car and went to pick up my suit. I’d had one fitted and I expected it to be ready by now. Surprisingly, I wasn’t hungry at all so I decided to make it an early night. I pulled back into the driveway of the house we’d shared and I was happy to see kids playing in the street again, but no one came to greet me. That was cool. It was better to be safe than sorry and I couldn’t blame the parents for wanting to protect their kids from someone like me.
I walked through the dusty yard and up the crooked steps. I hadn’t replaced the door yet, but surprisingly, no one had bothered to break in. I guessed this place was still too hot, or if they’d come in, they would have seen that there was nothing to take anyway. I’d cleaned it up, but it was still a dump. I hung my suit on the back of my bedroom door and walked to Nellie’s room. Inside, it was a disaster—as always, with her nightgowns and slippers strewn everywhere. I grabbed a cardboard box and began tossing her stuff into it, but there was no way I was giving any of it to the Goodwill—she didn’t have anything worth keeping or of any value. I stuffed her clothes into the box including all the socks and underwear I could find. She rarely hung up her clothing, so most everything was in a rickety particleboard dresser. I pulled out the bottom drawer and found an old jacket I’d seen her wear a few times and I tossed that in the box too. I heard something rattle and looked inside. There was a small metal box, like a security box, in the drawer under some clothes.
I’d never seen it before so I took it out and put it on the bed. It was locked and I didn’t see a key, so I guessed she’d probably lost it. She lost everything when she got drunk—keys, money, cigarettes—you name it. I shook it. Yeah, there was definitely something in there, so I took it to the kitchen and easily broke the lock with a butter knife.
I found a small stack of photographs, none of which I’d ever seen before either. One was of my mother and I assumed it was probably her high school graduation photo. She’d been a pretty girl with green eyes and long, wavy, blonde hair. I could hardly believe it was her and if her name hadn’t been on the back of it, I would have never thought that was my mother.
Next, was a picture of the two of us together at the hospital. She had a big smile on her face as she held me close to her. I couldn’t have been but a day or two old. On the back of the photo she’d written, “Sweet baby Jack” and the date. I stared at it—it was the nicest thing she’d ever said about me. I found a seashell, some old foreign coins and a few more photos of people I didn’t know. The last thing in the box was a painting, a kid’s painting of a house and two blonde-haired people. I didn’t recognize it, but I turned it over and saw my childish handwriting. “To Mommy, Love Jack.” I touched the paint marks with my fingers and tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. She did love me. At least she seemed to back then. I fell down onto the chair and cried. I bawled like a baby for what seemed like hours. I cried for her, for me, for the life I’d had and for the life she’d never have. I cried like a fucking kid.
The little kid I’d forgotten all about.
Chapter Eleven — Mollie
I took a deep breath before I walked into the chapel of the funeral home. My heart was pounding and a hard lump had found its way into my throat. I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to shake hands yet, since my palms were all wet. I hadn’t spoken to Jack since the day Nellie had died, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I wasn’t a bit surprised to see that there were very few people attending her funeral. She hadn’t been a nice person, but she was Jack’s mother. Elaina was there and she turned to look at me when I walked in. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. A few of the older kids from the neighborhood were there, as well as Mr. Jernigan. Jack was sitting on the front row. I’d never seen him in a real suit before, and he looked amazing. I didn’t approach him, this wasn’t the time to chat, and he didn’t look back. An attractive, dark-haired woman, maybe thirty, sat beside him. She talked to Jack quietly, and I saw her touch his arm. My stomach churned and I swallowed against the hard lump in my throat. I needed water. Jack had told me he had no other family, so she had to be a friend—or a girlfriend. That thought sucked, but I wasn’t here to get him back or anything. I was here to pay my respects to Nellie.
I wouldn’t even have known about the funeral, except I’d read her obituary notice in the newspaper earlier in the week and I’d decided at the last minute that I’d go. I already had a black skirt, jacket and black heels, so no shopping was required. I peeked at Nellie. The woman lying in the coffin didn’t look anything like the ranting lunatic I’d known. Someone had gone to a great deal of trouble to make her look presentable, and they’d done a fantastic job.
The minister came out of a side room and greeted the audience. He made some remarks about life, and how we should appreciate each day as it came to us. We should treasure the people around us and tell them how we felt. I didn’t envy his job—he obviously didn’t know Nellie at all.
He quoted some scriptures, then asked us to stand and invited us to view the body. Jack stood by the casket and greeted each one of us as we walked to the front. I could tell from his expression that he didn’t expect to see me there. He looked surprised, but not unhappily so, and I held out my hand to shake his and began giving him my condolences when he grabbed me and hugged me tight. Before I knew it, he was sobbing on my shoulder, so I rubbed his back and cried with him. My friend was hurting and I couldn’t help him. The dark-haired woman joined us and handed us both some tissues.
“You want to sit down?” she asked him in a soft, feminine voice.
“No, I’m okay,” he sniffed. His nose was red and his eyes were wet with tears. I put my hand on his face and he covered it with his own and squeezed it. I gave him a squeeze back and a smile then walked away and took my seat at the back of the chapel. A few more people shuffled past the coffin, and each of them paused to offer what comfort they could to Jack. He didn’t break down again, but thanked everyone and once the procession was over, the minister stood behind the podium.
“Nellie’s son, Jackson, would now like to say a few words.”
Jack walked to the podium with a somber face. He had a sheet of paper, obviously containing some notes he’d made and I silently prayed for him as he began to speak. “Anyone who knew Nellie knew that she was not a soft person or an easy person to get along with.” He paused and clutched the podium with both hands. “Sorry.” He spread the paper out on the podium and stared at it. “Thank you all for coming today to say goodbye to my mother, Nellie Fitzgerald. I thought a lot about what I would say today. I began to think about what other sons would say about their mothers. They’d probably tell you stories about happy holidays together, being tucked in at night, getting hugs or wise words of advice, but I’m sorry to say that I have none of those stories to share with you.”
He looked around the room at each face and cleared his throat before he continued. “I wish I could say that she was a nice person, a good neighbor or a volunteer somewhere, but I can’t. I’m not the kind of guy that can stand up here and lie to you about my mother, Nellie. You all know her, or most of you do—did, anyway. When I was packing up her things yesterday, I found something I didn’t expect. I found a box that I’d never seen before. I opened it and was surprised to find some photos, and a drawing that I’d given her when I was in kindergarten. Like many kids, when you’re little, you don’t realize how screwed up people are—you just love them anyway.” He paused, obviously swallowing a lump in his throat.
“I can’t explain to you how I felt when I saw those things. You all know I’m not comfortab
le talking about my feelings, but I guess I felt happy that she’d kept them, but sad as well. Sad, that even though they’d once meant something to her, they hadn’t meant enough to help her find the strength she needed to overcome her demons.” He paused, and for a second, I thought he’d cry. “I’ve never been to a funeral before, so I don’t know exactly what I should be saying, so forgive me if I sound like a crazy person. Thanks, Erin, for helping me with that, by the way.” He looked at the woman on the front row and my heart broke. That should have been me.
“Nellie wouldn’t want me to lie about her and tell you things that weren’t true. From what I found in her box, she was a person who once loved other people. She cared, she loved, she tried but she didn’t quite make it. I think there is a lesson in that…yeah, there is. I think Nellie’s life should remind us that we can’t quit, we can’t give up when things get tough. We have to keep trying. That’s what is important. The truth is, today, I bury my mother, but honestly, she died a long time ago. I hope that wherever she goes, heaven or paradise, or wherever we go,that she understands that. I hope she knows I forgive her…” Jack’s voice broke and I wiped away the tears that were falling down my face. “I hope she knows I love her. Thanks, everyone.”
Jack stepped down from the podium and soft music began to play. People crowded around him, some crying too and hugged him. I wiped away more tears and slipped quietly out of the chapel. I’d decided I wasn’t going to the gravesite—today would be a good day to visit my own mother. She was buried here as well, but in a different area. I walked to my car and drove the circle around the massive cemetery. I hadn’t been to her grave in a long time, years in fact, but here I was and I knew exactly where to go. I was surprised to see fresh pink roses in the vase on her headstone and I wondered who could have put them there. I was almost sure it wasn’t Charles DuBois.
I stood there for a minute and looked down at her name and the script that was underneath it. Loving Wife and Mother. “Mommy, I really miss you.” I sat down on the grass next to her. No one else was around and no other graves were close by. My father would be buried here and I would too, when the time came. “Mom, I don’t blame you for being sick or leaving us. I understand you didn’t want to leave me but it’s been hard without you. Very hard. Dad hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone, and me…well, I’m just trying to get by. I really want to help people. Remember all those great nurses you had when you were in the hospital? I do and I want to be just like them. I wish I could have helped you. I wish I’d been a better daughter.” I stared at the grass, pretending she could hear me.
“I remember the time you wanted me to read to you, but I just wanted to go outside and ride my bike—the pink one with the silver streamers on the handles. I’m sorry about that and I regret it every day. What I wouldn’t give to have one more day with you! To spend one more hour with you! Now I can’t.”
The sun beamed down on me and I tugged at a blade of grass. “If you see a lady there named Nellie—Nellie Fitzgerald, please help her out. She’s lost, Mom, and she needs some help.” I sat for a moment and watched the cars leaving the cemetery. I wondered again what life would be like if my mom was still alive. “I love you, Mommy. I’d better go. Bye now.”
When I got back to my car, I leaned back in the seat and stared at myself in the rearview mirror. I looked a lot like my mother. I’d never forgotten how she’d looked. She was gorgeous, and I missed her so much—even after all these years.
I thought about Jack and the dark-haired woman. He had a long road ahead of him, but it looked like he’d have some company—hopefully a good woman to support him, and he’d be able to race—legally. I really wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn’t. That beautiful brown-haired woman by his side could’ve been me.
I jumped when I heard a knock on the window. “Mollie?”
“Jack?”
“Yeah, you okay?”
“I’m fine, what are you doing here? Your mom is over—”
“—there.” He nodded toward the other side of the cemetery. “But you’re here. Can I get in?”
“Sure, where’s your car?” I looked around and in the rearview mirror to see if he was parked behind me. He opened the passenger door and sat down beside me.
“I had Jernigan drop me off. My car’s at Stockton right now. Is your mom over there?” He got in and shut the door. He smelled amazing. “Are you okay, Mollie? Like really, okay?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “No…I don’t know. I haven’t been here in so long, I thought I’d come see her.”
“You want to talk about it? I mean, I’m here…if you need me,” he answered. I bit my lip and looked out the window toward my mom’s grave. I wasn’t about to lose it with him in the car. I bit harder and stopped the tears that were welling up in my eyes.
“I think it’s time we should go. Do you want a ride back to the chapel?”
“I want to be here with you, if that’s okay?”
“What about the lady who was at the funeral service with you?”
“Dr. Grey? She’s my therapist. Jernigan’s friend. He thinks I need to talk to someone,” he scoffed. “I actually think he’s full of it, but I promised him I’d give it a try.”
I put the car in gear and said, “Probably wouldn’t hurt. Might do you some good. Where to?”
“Can we just drive? I mean…I just need to be next to you.” I put my hand on his and squeezed it as we drove out of the cemetery and on to the highway. I didn’t know where we were going, so I just drove. After about fifteen minutes, we were at the same light he’d run the night he almost crashed into me and Natalie.
“Remember this spot?” I asked him with a small smile on my face.
“Yeah, how can I forget? It was the night I met you,” he sighed. “What happened to us, Molls?”
Hot tears ran down my cheeks—I tried to stop them, but they just came. I looked over at Jack and smiled. “Life, I guess.” The light turned green and I drove on down the street. We sat in silence for about a half hour until we somehow ended up on the highway where the illegal street races were held.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve raced out here,” he said, and then he pretend-shifted and made a vroom sound. “But now I’m legit. No more illegal racing for me.”
“I know. That’s the best news ever.” I smiled, and thought about the night he’d crashed his car. It was our first official date.
We drove back toward town in silence again, until he finally pointed his finger and said, “Turn right up here at the next light.” I turned down the street and after a couple of blocks, found myself in the parking lot of the D’Arcy Hotel. The fanciest hotel in town.
“What are we doing here?” I was totally confused. A hotel? This hotel? D’Arcy was for rich businessmen and billionaire playboys, not for half-broke, twenty-something's like us. Jack got out of the car and went inside. I watched him walk and he really did look fine in that suit. After about ten minutes, he came out and opened my door. “What? Where are we going?”
“Just come with me, Molls. Trust me.” A wicked grin appeared on his face and I wondered what he’d done.
“Trust you? You didn’t do anything illegal did you?” I laughed. I wanted to trust him so bad. He dangled a key card in my face and said, “It’s legit, Mollie.” We walked inside, arm-in-arm and I was in awe at the splendor of the hotel lobby. Everything was off-white with gold accents and a touch of green here and there. I thought about Natalie and how she’d love to come see the décor. Towards the back of the lobby was a huge, half-circle staircase covered in plush white carpet with a golden handrail. Above us in the center of the domed ceiling was a chandelier that sparkled like diamonds. I honestly didn’t know what or why we were here, but I wasn’t asking any more questions. I was just going to roll with it.
Jack took my hand, and we walked up the stairs and to room 271. He slid the card into the slot, then the door beeped and we heard it unlock. He pushed it all the way open and gestured for me to
go in. “For you, my love.”
“Wow—”
Chapter Twelve — Jack
I watched them load the casket on the straps and a few of the older kids volunteered to be pallbearers with me. The load was surprisingly light, but then again, Nellie didn’t weigh very much. I hadn’t opted for a graveside service, since I’d figured we’d say everything that needed to be said back in the chapel. I noticed that Mollie had disappeared, and that made my day even sadder. Dr. Grey stood on one side of me, and Mr. Jernigan on the other, so at least I wasn’t completely alone. If I had no one else, I had my attorney and my therapist and as ironic as it seemed, I’d be keeping them both in business for a while.
I watched them lower Nellie into the grave, then I followed Mr. Jernigan back to the car. He drove and offered to take me to dinner. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday and I didn’t want to be alone, so I agreed. Erin had already left and I’d said goodbye to all of my friends and thanked everyone else who’d attended, for their thoughtfulness. I honestly didn’t think anyone would come to Nellie’s service, and I was surprised to see how many people had showed up.
“I know the perfect place. It’s a little spot I dine at a lot. I hope you like Greek food.”
“Sure,” I said, though I’d never tried it before. We drove down the gravel road towards the entrance of the cemetery when I shouted, “Wait, let me out.”
Jernigan slowed the car, but didn’t completely stop. “What, did you forget something?”
“No, but drop me off here, please. That’s Mollie over there. Thanks for the offer of lunch, but I’ll call you later,” and with that, I jumped out of the car and walked towards Mollie’s Camry.
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