I went to the fridge and pulled out the eggs and a gallon of milk, turning slowly to watch Cee as he rummaged in the pantry for the flour and sugar. He moved so smoothly that it was intoxicating to watch him. He turned and caught my gaze, and I quickly turned bright red at being caught.
“Here,” I offered, putting the milk on the counter as if I hadn't just been staring at him.
“Thanks,” he murmured, grinning at my obvious red face. “Will you grab the spatula? It should be in the drawer over there.”
I turned and went to the drawer, searching for the plastic spatula that I knew he preferred. The idea that I knew which of my spatulas he preferred made me pause. It was so comfortable to have him here. So right. A tightness, a longing that I couldn't control was growing in my chest.
“I found it,” I announced, turning around just as Cee stepped back with the bowl full of batter. We collided, and the batter went flying into the air.
I watched as the bowl fell in slow motion and splattered all over my dress.
“Oh, Jes, I'm so sorry.” Cee stared at my ruined outfit. Not even the top had been spared. He grabbed a towel from the counter and tried to brush some of the batter from my shoulder. So much for my hot outfit.
“It's fine,” I said, catching his hand in mine. He was so warm and strong beneath my fingers. And close. For the briefest moment, I considered kissing him. It felt like I could, like this could be our moment.
He reached toward my face and my breath hitched in my lungs. His violet eyes locked on mine and I forgot how to breathe. His strong hands caressed my cheek and I nearly melted into a puddle of desire. “You have batter on your face.”
“Oh,” I whimpered, hating the way my voice came out heated and full of desire. I cleared my throat. His fingers stroked my cheek and it took all that I had not to lean into him and beg for more.
There was a small sound behind me and he pulled away as if burned by my touch.
“Mom?” Ben's voice filled the kitchen and I knew why Cee had stepped back. “What happened?”
“We had a little accident,” Cee informed him, his voice deeper and richer than I remembered. “So, now we're having French Toast. Will you go grab the bread from the counter, please?”
“Sure.” Ben looked at me for a moment. “You can't wear that to work, Mom.”
“Thanks.” I said, trying not to roll my eyes. “I'll go change.”
“I'll have breakfast done when you come back down,” Cee promised.
“I'll be right back,” I said. I darted upstairs, desperate to not have the heat of desire flowing through me. He had touched me. Caressed me. It was making my heart do funny things and my stomach perform flip-flops.
I quickly changed into a pair of slacks and a light v-neck shirt. It wasn't anything as nice as my previous outfit, but at least it wasn't jeans and a t-shirt either. I checked the mirror to find my eyes shining and my cheeks flushed. I barely looked like myself. I looked like I was ready for sex.
It was a look that was not appropriate for my six-year-old son and his nanny. I splashed cold water onto my face, unable to get the excitement off my face. I would just have to deal with it, since now I was running late.
I hurried down the stairs, hearing Ben laugh at Cee's retelling of the pancake accident. I smiled and ducked my head into the kitchen.
“Pancake lady has to get to work,” I interrupted. “You be good today, Ben. I have my girl's night out tonight, so I'll come up and tuck you in when I get home tonight.”
“Have a good day at work, Mom,” Ben replied, smiling at me from his big plate of French Toast.
My stomach grumbled, but I needed to get going. I gave them both a wave and hurried to the front door.
“Wait,” Cee called out after me. “Here, have some breakfast and remember your coffee.”
I turned at the doorway and he handed me my cup of coffee and a napkin wrapped sandwich of French Toast and eggs. He must have made the sandwich just for me, knowing I was going to be running late. I couldn't wipe the grin of my face.
“Thank you,” I said softly, completely taken aback at the simple yet sweet thought. I didn't think, I just moved forward, meaning to kiss his cheek.
Unfortunately, he turned into it and I kissed his lips. His soft, perfect, warm lips. I reacted like I'd touched lightning.
“Oh, I'm so sorry,” I gasped, taking a step back and wishing I had a spare hand to press to my mortified face. Instead, I focused on not dropping my sandwich or coffee. “I didn't mean to do that.”
Cee blinked twice. “My fault. I turned my head. Don't worry about it.” He smiled, his eyes dark and absorbing me. “You should go or you're going to be late.”
“Right.” I didn't move. “Again, I'm so sorry-”
“I moved into it. Nothing happened.” He gave me a gentle push on the back of my shoulder. “Go to work and have a good time out tonight. I'll see you when you get home.”
“Okay,” I whispered, turning and heading out the door. I nearly turned around to apologize again, but I knew it wouldn't do anything. Hopefully, he just thought I was a disorganized mess and never brought it up again.
I set the coffee and sandwich down in the car, finally pressing a hand to my swollen lips. He had felt so good. His lips had felt so good pressed to mine. Even though it was an accidental kiss, I wished I could have another.
He's the nanny, I reminded myself. But today, that didn't seem like much of an obstacle. Especially because he hadn't drawn back from the kiss either.
What was I thinking? There was no way I could do this.
Chapter Twelve
I didn't mention the kiss to the girls at Girl's Night. I didn't want them analyzing it and telling me it really was just an accident and that I shouldn't be reading into it. I wanted to keep it for myself for a bit, so instead I simply kept quiet and simply said that Cee was still amazing for Ben.
I came home from the girls’ night out to find my ex- husband’s car in the driveway.
Oh no, I immediately thought. My stomach dropped, anxiety overwhelming me. I never told Richard about Cee. I had mentioned a nanny, but never a male nanny. And I definitely hadn't said that he would be staying late tonight.
Ever the controlling force, he would be seething if he felt like I kept something from him. I shouldn’t have cared. I mean, after all, he did keep his mistress from me, but old habits took over as I imagined the fallout.
I leaped out of my car and darted up the lawn. I could just make out the outlines of Richard and Cee standing on the doorstep illuminated by the dim porch light. Richard's wiry frame only came up to Cee’s chin and his belly protruded slightly over his black tailored suit pants.
To be fair, he was in prime physical condition when we married. Years of office work had taken its toll. He had neglected his body just as he had neglected me. All he had ever cared about was staying longer at the office than anyone else, even if it meant that he missed going to the gym or eating dinner with his wife and son.
“Who are you to think you have the right to take care of my son? I don’t know you. I have no idea who you are.” Richard's voice was carrying across the yard, rising in pitch and anger. He held up his expensive phone and waved it under Cee's nose. “I just got this text from my son saying that he and a “C” have been practicing and I should come to his game.”
“Sir, I tried to let you know who I am. I'm the nanny that has been hired on. I have been here for almost a month. We can call Jes again if you don’t believe me,” Cee interrupted politely, somehow maintaining a calm voice.
“I tried calling Jes, but she ignored me,” Richard yelled. I hated the way he twisted my name into something akin to a swear word. “I drive all the way over here to see her gone and you sitting watching TV. You won’t even let me in to my own house and see my son!” Richard’s screeched, pushing Cee in the chest with his pointer finger. His glasses teetered on the edge of his nose, threatening to fall off thanks to the waterfall of sweat pouring down him now.
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“Richard!” I called as I made it up to the door. “Hi, I am so sorry. I completely forgot to tell you about the new nanny.” I don’t know why I apologized, I didn’t need to. Sole custody meant that all of my choices were my own. Still, I persisted on. “This is Stacey, and he has been watching out for Ben for the past few weeks.”
I smiled as sweetly as possible, hoping to keep Richard from starting a fight. I knew it wasn’t going to be enough, so I pushed my way in between the two men. My heart pounded in my chest as I considered the possible outcomes. None of them were pretty. Being shorter than average, Richard always had a point to make with bigger guys. He wasn't about to back down.
My eyes darted to Cee who was a statue and his jaw clenched so hard a vein pounded just beneath the surface, visible to all. Those dark violet eyes stared at the little man, and I wondered what he was thinking.
“You FORGOT to tell me?” Richard turned his anger toward me and got in my face. “He's my son! I should be kept informed if some strange man is watching out for him. He could be a criminal for all we know.”
The sweat from his face flew onto mine as he bobbed his head at each word to punctuate it. I wiped the beads from my forehead, disgusted. My voice had left me and I was unable to come up with a response. He was always able to turn it back on me and make me believe it was my fault.
I shrank, unable to find the words to defend myself, let alone Cee.
“Excuse me, Richard?” Cee said in a flat tone. He stepped in front of me so that he could face Richard directly, blocking me from Richard's wrath. I could tell Cee was trying to control his temper. His hands were clenched in a tight fists and every move he made screamed with carefully controlled fury. “I'm sorry that I didn't know who you were. I've been working with Ben for almost a month now. I’ve never seen you at any of his games, or heard about any quality time you spent with him. Ben talks about you like you moved to another country.”
Richard’s mouth opened to continue on his tirade, but Cee cut him off before he even started.
“Stop right there. Maybe if you were involved in Ben’s life a bit more, you would have met me sooner.” Cee’s voice didn’t get louder, but he was getting angrier with each word. It was like we were in the eye of the storm, it seemed calm, but you knew any second something would change.
“I'm involved in my son’s life just fine, thank you very much. I'm his father!” Richard's balled hand was in a fist that he waved under Cee's nose. Cee stood motionless against the threat. He took a big breath in, making his chest puff out further.
“When was the last time you went to one of his games? When's the last time you sat down with your son and talked to him?” Cee asked calmly. It was only because I had been observing him so closely that I knew he was angry. Otherwise, he looked completely calm.
“How dare you!” Richard spat. He stepped up closer to Cee.
“You're so lucky that you have such an amazing kid. You never know when someone you love will be taken away.” Cee tucked his chin and looked Richard in the eye. He was so close he was fogging up Richard’s glasses with each breath. “I can tell that you think you have all the time in the world, and one day they are just gone. A part of you is just gone. Don’t deny him the bond that only a parent can share with his child.”
“You have no right to talk to me this way!” Richard hollered, spit flying as the words came out. A few beads landed on Cee, but he didn't seem to even notice. Richard pushed Cee's chest with his finger, trying to get Cee to react. To fight him. My ex-husband wasn't the kind of person who took criticism well, especially from a more masculine man like Cee.
When Cee just stood there, taking it without reacting, Richard turned on me. “Are you going to let the help talk to me this way?”
I grimaced, not knowing how to respond. I never did know how to respond when Richard got like this. I opened my mouth to reply and Cee put a hand gently on my shoulder. Suddenly, I found my inner strength.
“Yes, I am. He's right. He's finally put into words everything that I have been thinking about for the past few months. You should listen to his advice.” I felt liberated as the words left my mouth. I had wanted to tell Richard this, and never had the courage, but Cee had helped me express it. “You're missing out on the best part of Ben's life.”
Richard’s mouth fell open like a fish gulping for air. His face started to turn a deep shade of crimson. I don’t think I had ever spoke to him like that, and now that I had, he didn't know how to react. His meek, submissive nothing of an ex-wife suddenly had a little bit of a backbone.
Richard stammered and then tightened his fists, looking to continue this fight. He was a little man and needed to prove that he wasn’t scared. “How dare you! You can't-”
“Daddy!” Ben opened up the front door and ran straight for Richard’s arms, stopping whatever Richard had been thinking of saying. “Daddy, I missed you! I've tried texting you but you didn’t answer.”
Richard seemed taken off guard. He snapped out of his anger at the sight of his son. “Hi, Ben, I'm so sorry. Did we wake you up? We were just talking.” His face was still red, but he bent down to give Ben a hug, looking up and glaring at Cee and I as if it were our fault.
“Have you met Cee?” Ben tugged on his father's hand to greet the other man. “He's my best friend this summer. He taught me loads of stuff about lacrosse, but I told him I want to learn about football to make you happy.” Ben smiled, looking up at his father, then Cee, and then to me.
I blinked away my tears. Ben deserved someone so much better for a father. I wanted to give him so much more than that. He deserved someone who loved Ben for Ben, not for what Ben could do for him.
Richard knelt, drawing Ben to him. “You really love lacrosse, don't you?”
“Yes,” Ben said slowly, never taking his eyes from his father. “But you don't. I want to make you happy. I miss you.”
Richard looked up at me, and then at Cee with a frown. Understanding slowly filled his green eyes as Ben continued to talk about all of the facts he learned about football and how he was going to play the same position that Richard did.
“I don’t really like it too much, but I hope I can be just as good as you were. I'll work hard and then maybe you'll come to my games,” Ben said. He paused, frowning slightly and looking up at his beloved father with hope.
Realization slowly crossed Richards face, painful and harsh. It finally dawned on him that he was not a part of his son’s life like he should be. This man that he had just met knew more about his son, and was also being a better father figure.
“Oh, Ben you don’t have to do that. Your mom and Cee said you're great at lacrosse and really like it. It makes me happy to see you happy.” His voice cracked and his color slowly returned back to normal. There it was. The reason I stayed with him for so long. When he was here, he really did care. The man wasn't pure evil, as much as I wanted him to be.
“But you don’t come to my games, and you never want to hang out on the weekends. You are always hanging out with that bitch-”
“BEN, I told you to never say that word again,” I cautioned. I cringed knowing that he picked up that word from me. I’d said it in a moment of anger, and immediately regretted it. Well, at least regretted saying it in front of him.
Richard looked at me with a face of disgust, and I heard Cee try to stifle a laugh. It was rather hypocritical of Richard, considering the circumstances.
Richard faced Ben again. “I promise to come to your games every week. I will talk to your mom and see if I can have you for a weekend, and we’ll hang out the whole time. Just like we used to.” Richard hugged Ben. I hoped he would keep this promise.
He looked at Ben the same way as the first day he held him, full of love and hope. It was almost enough to make me feel some remorse for my anger at him. Almost. I knew who Richard really was, and the last thing I wanted was for him to disappoint Ben again. If he let his son down for yet another time, I would have to kill him.
; Ben yawned, his jaw nearly cracking from going so wide. It was way past his bedtime, and he still had a busy day in front of him tomorrow.
“Ben, I think it's time you go back to bed,” Cee said softly. He made a small motion, but nothing that said he was taking Ben from Richard. With a final hug, Richard released Ben.
“Bye, Dad. Will you really come to my game this weekend?” My heart ached with the expectant hope in Ben's voice.
“Of course, Ben. I'll see you at your game,” Richard replied. His voice was full of promise. I closed my eyes and sent up a silent prayer that he would actually keep this one. There were so many broken promises littered around Richard that it was difficult to believe he would keep even one as simple as coming to a game.
Cee held out his hand for Ben and together, they went inside, leaving me and Richard out on the patio. Awkward silence surrounded us as we stood there, unable to say anything to each other.
I didn't know how to spend time alone with him anymore. He wasn't the man I had married eight years ago. Hell, he wasn’t even the man I knew two years ago. My skin crawled as I considered all the things he’d done to me. I finally broke and spoke first.
“I'm sorry, Richard. I forgot to tell you about the nanny. I didn’t think it was a big deal,” I started. Guilt flared up in my stomach. I could have prevented this entire thing with a simple voice mail message.
Richard held up his hand for me to stop. “Jes, I don’t really want to hear your apology. This is not about you and me. This is about Ben.” He shook his head slowly, turning to face out to the night sky. “The fact that this nanny knows more about my son then I do- it's upsetting to me.”
Richard turned back to look at me, the porch light surrounding the two of us like our own little island in the dark. “I'm glad you got an extra set of hands. He seems protective of Ben. I can appreciate that, and Ben seems to like him too. But if you think I will help pay for this Cee character, you are fucking wrong.”
And there was the man I learned to despise, always about the money.
Walking on Sunshine: A Sweet Love Story (Seasons of Love Book 1) Page 7
