“Could we come up with a game plan?” I asked as Cee was turning out of the neighborhood.
“A game plan?” Cee responded, a touch of confusion in his voice. His eyes darted toward me for a moment to evaluate, but returned quickly to his task of driving.
“Yes, I mean, I don’t want to send Ben mixed signals. I think it might be best if we keep what we did between us for now.” The words came out in a jumble. I started to make a sound again, wanting to clarify what I just said.
He grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I completely understand. Ben’s emotional state is the most important priority, and too much, too quick, would just be confusing.”
I squeezed his hand back, so thankful that he understood what I had said and didn’t take it personally. He really did care about Ben. Knots formed in my stomach as we continued to drive. I couldn’t grasp what bothered me, but I also couldn't shake the uneasy feeling growing in the pit of my belly.
We reached the field as the team was warming up, and I could see Ben, on the far side, stretching out near the goal. I hopped out of the car and walked towards Richard , who was standing on the opposite side of the field. He saw me and smiled, giving me a slight wave, seemingly transformed. A flinch of shock passed over his face in seeing Cee, but he quickly covered it up with a tight smile.
“Hi,” I said pleasantly to Richard. After last night, I could conquer anything.
“Hi, I didn’t realize you would be here too,” responded Richard looking at Cee. He seemed still be wary of him after their last encounter.
“I wanted to see Ben’s game today. He was really looking forward to using some of the skills I taught him during our practice, and he wanted to see what I thought,” Cee said nonchalantly.
“How was time with Ben last night? I didn’t get any texts so you must have had fun.” I wanted to try and redirect the tension somewhere else.
“We did. We went and got some pizza. Then saw that movie he wanted to see, the one about the superheroes,” Richard explained to us.
“Sounds like a blast,” Cee said.
We stood in awkward silence waiting for the game to start, and I debated about grabbing an iced Americano before the game, but the line was a mile long. My skin crawled with each silent second that ticked by, looking for any distraction I could find.
I decided that concentrating on my son was the only way I could ignore the awkward tension between the two men, and so I took a big breath in to try and focus on Ben’s warm up. The men seemed to be unfazed by the quiet, staring at their shoes or Ben, but making sure to not look at each other. Luckily, the whistle blew and we all let out a breath of relief as now we had something to focus on other than avoiding catching each other’s eye.
I could feel my shoulders relax, the tension dissipating as we watched the team race back and forth. Ben was on his game today. He saved eight of his ten shots on goal. We cheered with each save and I felt my voice start to go raw as I yelled with excitement. Even Richard yelled words of encouragement when Ben made a save. When the half ended, Ben ran out of the goal to us.
“Hi, Mom!” Ben yelled as he ran over. I wanted to bend over and give him a hug, but knew that he would hate that. I gave him a high five, instead. “Cee came too! Awesome!” He gave him a fist bump.
“You’re awesome. Ben!” Richard exclaimed fist-bumping Ben as well.
Ben beamed. I could see how happy he was that his dad was there.
“Hey, Ben, lets huddle up!” the coach yelled. Ben ran back to the huddle with a grin on his face.
I touched Richard on the shoulder. “Thank you so much for coming. I haven’t seen Ben this happy a long time.” It was hard for me to admit how much he meant to Ben. Resentment and anger still burned in my stomach, but I would do anything for my son, even swallow my own pride.
“I never realized how much he loved this sport, and how good he is at it,” Richard replied as he turned toward me. “Last night all he talked about was lacrosse. He actually managed to teach me about it. All those months that I ignored him, I missed it. I missed him growing up.”
I couldn’t believe this was the same man that’d been ignoring us for months. Shuffling us off when we tried to call, refusing to be a part of Ben’s life. It was like he’d finally woken up, and realized what he’d almost lost.
All because of Cee.
It was a big deal for Richard to admit he was wrong. He still had never apologized for cheating on me, but I was glad he could at least put his son in front of his pride.
Richard held out his hand to Cee. “Thank you for helping me see what I was missing.”
“It's all good,” Cee said. “I just didn’t want you to learn about it the hard way like I did.”
“Like I did...” I thought about the way he said it. I still knew so little about him. I would have to ask him later about that.
Cee ended the conversation by turning back toward the field to watch the game. I looked at him from the corner of my eye. He was looking across the field, not watching the players run back and forth. Every so often his eye would drift down to the ground and he seemed to be lost in thought.
The last half of the game went off without a hitch. I learned not to expect too much of the little kid games, but Ben saved shots left and right. The final whistle blew and the Bears had won again! We cheered as Ben ran over. I even jumped up and down with excitement.
“Nice game,” Cee said, slapping Ben on the helmet. “You had some really fast hands.”
“Awesome job,” Richard agreed.
I smiled and watched Ben as the two men that mean the most to him praised him. I looked at how different those two men were to each other, and yet how much this one little boy meant to both of them.
I used to think Richard had shut me down to the prospect of ever being able to trust, let alone love anyone again. Then Cee came into my life and showed that he was someone worth trusting. Maybe he could knock down this wall that I have built. Maybe he was the one I was waiting for.
My stomach twisted. But maybe wasn't good enough for me to make this risk. Maybe wouldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t cheat on me, leave me, or break me into a million pieces. Maybe wouldn’t guarantee that Ben would have someone in his life forever.
The struggle between my mind and heart waged on. Should I listen to my head and protect myself, or should I listen to my heart and allow someone into it? I didn't know the answer, and it made me nervous.
I walked over to the group and got between the two men to reach my son. I bent down, took off his helmet and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. This was the only man that I needed in my life. My head and my heart at least agreed on that much.
“Gross mom!” Ben whined.
“I had to give you some mommy cooties. You looked a little low. Now you and your dad have fun tonight,” I tussled his hair. “I'll let you two guys have your boy time, and I'll see you tomorrow afternoon.” I stood up and gave a slight wave to Richard.
“See you on Monday,” Cee said as he nodded toward Ben. We walked in silence to the car.
Chapter Eighteen
After seeing my son and my ex today, I felt like I had sobered up from last night’s events. Last night had been amazing, but I finally realized why my stomach was in knots today.
Ben was my first priority and I couldn’t let anyone hurt him or myself again. Even someone as wonderful as Cee.
I got into the car and shut the door, staring out the window. Cee slid into the driver’s seat and started the car. He grabbed my hand but I was lost in thought and didn’t notice his grasp.
My head whirled with thoughts of what ifs. What if Ben got attached and it didn’t work out? What if I fell in love—would it work out? What if we didn’t, could I handle the heartbreak?
Worries tumbled out of my head when we came to a stop in front of my house. I finally realized we had been moving this entire time.
“What’s wrong Jes? Did I do something?” Cee cocked his head to the side, giving me
that confused puppy-dog look.
“No, you didn’t. I'm just am lost in thought.” I paused, looking into his dark eyes. They were their normal violet. I could feel myself getting sucked in to them. I shook my head trying to break the spell.
“Jes...”
“I just have to keep Ben in mind. He is the one I should focus on. I don’t want to endanger anything that he has with you for my pleasure.” I breathed out a big sigh that was harder then what I expected. I felt my heart sagging as I said the next words. “I've seen what happened to Ben when his father left. I don’t want him to go through that again with his best friend.”
“What are you saying, Jes?” Cee's voice was quiet.
I looked down and pulled at my hair, but was unable to find anything to fix as it was still secure in its bun. “It was a one-time thing, but I don’t think it should continue any farther than that.”
I could feel my brain applauding my actions, even if my heart ached and I wanted to throw up.
“Jes,” Cee said gently, grabbing both my hands. They were warm and it sent a shiver up my spine. “I don’t want it to be a one-time thing. You were not just a lay that I needed because I thought you were a hot single mom.”
I looked at him, shocked that he thought I was hot.
“I care for you, deeply. I know I haven’t really shown it, but I was trying to keep it professional for Ben’s sake. I can see a future with you, and that’s something that I have never looked forward to in a long time. I usually only worry about the present. I want to make this—” he held up our entwined hands, “work. I know we jumped a few steps last night, but I'm willing to take it slow. Nothing has to change with Ben either. I'll keep it completely separate. Let me prove it to you.”
His eyes were big, and I could tell he really did want this to work. I sighed, knowing this was a dangerous path, but I had never had anyone fight this hard to get me. I sat in the car with him, letting the battle wage on inside me. He lifted my hand and gave it a kiss. He had just let my heart win the battle. My head was too clouded with his lips to focus on anything else.
“Okay, slow, no repeats of last night.” As I said the words, I knew they were I lie. My body wanted a repeat of last night, and this morning as soon as possible. I felt sapped of energy after the conversation and was ready to go inside to relax.
“Would you like to come in?” I asked.
“No.” He looked down at his phone. “I sadly have other plans for this evening.”
I frowned. “Oh, okay.” I start to turn to get out of the car. He softly gripped my wrist and pulled me in.
“But how about breakfast tomorrow?”
I grinned. “Okay, but I get to cook. You haven’t tried my French toast yet.”
“Can’t wait.” He leaned in and I closed my eyes expecting his mouth on mine. I felt a kiss, but it was on my cheek. I opened my eyes, shocked and a bit disappointed.
“You said you wanted to take it slow.”
I shook my head, already regretting the ‘take it slow’ statement. He seemed like the type of person who would torture me with my own words. Somehow, I was looking forward to it, though.
I watched from the window as Cee drove away. I decided to keep myself busy and cleaned the leftover dishes. I made sure all the evidence from last night was either in the washing machine or dishwasher. As the sun started to set my stomach let out a low grumble reminding me it was time to eat. I’d gotten so involved in cleaning I'd forgotten what time it was.
It was time to order some Sushi, I thought excitedly.
As I pulled out my cell, I noticed a text. It was from Cee.
I know the rule is to wait to text or call a girl for at least three days, but I couldn’t wait that long. Just wanted to wish you a relaxing night. I'll see you tomorrow bright and early. Remember, you don’t have any coffee.
—Cee
I smiled as I read it over and over again. He was definitely trying. Now to see if he would keep it up, was the real question.
At about eleven o’clock and feeling full of sushi, I headed upstairs. I gave my face a quick wash and switched into a pair of oversized shorts and a shirt with a few holes in it. As I crawled into bed and noticed how large it was without someone else in it, I rolled onto the side Cee had slept on. It still smelled of his cologne. I brought the sheets around my neck, and sunk into a peaceful slumber, hoping I wouldn’t have to result to dreaming about him for much longer.
Chapter Nineteen
With a late start to the morning, I zoomed to the nearest supermarket, grabbing bread, eggs, bacon and coffee. Luckily, it was early enough that the Sunday shoppers hadn’t arrived yet, so no one saw me in my random grab-anything outfit. Once back home, I only had a few minutes before Cee showed up. I started making the French toast.
I dipped the bread in egg mixture, then coated it in some Choco-crunch cereal from the cupboard before frying it on the stove. I also added a large dash of cinnamon to each piece of bread to give it that extra kick. The kitchen warmed up with the stove and I removed my sweater so that I was just in the shirt I went to bed in.
There was a knock at the door and Cee waved at me through the glass. I gestured him in with an egg soaked hand. He came in wearing a pair of gym shorts and a cutout tee of his old Alma mater. His shirt was still in good condition and it made me realize just how young he really was. All of my college shirts were ripped to shreds years ago.
He also had stubble all across his face, which was much redder than his hair. All I wanted to do was rub my hand the rough hair and let it tickle my neck.
“Good morning,” I said cheerily. Even though I was still unsure about this whole seeing each other prospect, it was undeniable he always put me in a better mood when he was around.
“Good morning,” he replied. His voice seemed husky with sleep.
“Sorry I'm not more dressed. I ran a bit late this morning.” I blushed a little.
“No worries, my suit was out at the dry cleaners so I thought I would be a bit more casual today,” he teased.
I giggled at him. “We are going to have Chocolate French toast.”
“Sounds delicious. I didn’t realize you were such a cook.” He grinned, watching as I made my way around the kitchen. “Anything I can help with?”
“If you want to start the coffee, I'd appreciate it. It's there in the grocery bag.” I gestured to the table with my head and dropped another piece of bread in the batter.
“Not a problem.” He grabbed the coffee and gently put his hand on my waist to scoot by. I relished his touch. The aroma of beans filled the air as he dumped in the coffee grounds in the coffee maker. I heard the click of the machine and felt Cee move behind me again. He made his way to the kitchen table and sat down facing me. His eyes were following my every move.
“What are you staring at?” I asked. I felt bare under his eyes.
“I know you wanted to take things slow again, but you are giving me a bit of a peep show. And I'm thoroughly enjoying it.” He pointed at my shirt. I looked down to where he pointed and turned cherry red. My holey shirt had stretched out since I washed it. The little hole near my arm had expanded to reveal the entire side of my breast. I put my arms down trying to hide the hole.
“I hope you didn’t go out in that shirt.”
“I did, but luckily I had a sweater on top of it.” I felt the blush creep down to my fingertips as I tried to remember the past two hours to make sure I didn’t give any one else an early morning surprise.
He let out a chuckle. “I had to work hard to get a view like that, and then I find out you are giving it away for free?”
“You are enjoying this entirely too much.” I huffed at him while rinsing my hands off in the sink and then I walked to the laundry. There was an old shirt hanging from the laundry room with a giant kitty on it. I groaned, knowing that it was the only clean shirt I had left and threw it on. I tossed the holey shirt into the trash.
“Better?” I walked back in raising up my arms and
doing a spin.
“No, I enjoyed the view. It made watching you cook much more exciting.” Cee pouted his lower lip out. “But I mean I do like seeing your big, giant... cat.”
“Now I guess you will have to partake in meaningful conversation.”
“Ugh.” He made a disgusted face. “You probably want to know about my hopes and dreams.”
“I'm not getting that crazy. Let’s start with something simple. Cats or dogs?” I tossed the bacon onto the skillet. It made a hissing sound as I prodded it with my fork.
“Dogs.” He leaned back in his chair. “You?”
“Both. I haven’t had one in years, though. Richard was allergic to animals. I've always wanted a little lab, or a mutt of some sort,” I explained. “Now, your turn to ask a question.”
“Favorite food?”
“Anything with bacon, or chocolate.”
“I like those. It may be strange, but I love chocolate, too. I love sweets, which is a problem if I want to keep my girlish figure,” Cee joked, grabbing his non-existent love handles. I rolled my eyes at him. I wished I had his young metabolism.
We bantered with each other, questioning each other back and forth, learning all we could. I learned that he loved the beach, but didn’t know or like to surf because the ocean actually scared him. It was hard for him to move so far away from his family when he started college, but enjoyed his college days a little too much.
I told him how I met Richard just out of high school, and how sunflowers were my favorite flower. He found out about my college, and that I graduated with a degree in Accounting. I told him how I had never really used my degree before now because I had gotten married and pregnant soon after.
“What made you guys separate?” Cee asked, taking a sip of his coffee.
I squirmed as I scrambled the eggs. That question always made me uncomfortable.
“He cheated on me.” I focused on the eggs to try and avoid his gaze. Cee sat there silent until I continued. “He was running around with his secretary for almost a year. I guess we had hit a dry spell after Ben was born. I never realized it, but he was sneaking around with texts and phone calls. Then I walked in on him.”
Walking on Sunshine: A Sweet Love Story (Seasons of Love Book 1) Page 11
