Finally, after a few more agonizing moments he walked away and drove off. I stood up and peered through the window by the door, watching the red of his taillights disappear into the darkness.
Left on the front porch was a bouquet of sunflowers in a vase and a letter. I opened the door and put the flowers on the table. I tore open the letter.
Dear Jes,
I don’t know what else to do. I didn’t mean to hurt you by keeping my secrets. I need to see you in person and explain this to you. Then it will make sense. Please give me a call when you are ready to talk.
I love you,
Cee.
I crumpled up the letter. He had hurt me too much. Betrayed me. I couldn’t let him back in. The only thing I wanted to feel was the ice cream in my stomach.
I didn’t even bother with a bowl and just took the whole pint and a spoon to the couch. I wanted to eat my feelings right now. I dug into the sugary goodness, determined to eat myself into a diabetic coma. At least then my heart wouldn't hurt so much. My eyes were heavy, but I was determined.
The TV let out a huge blast of sound and I woke up to some sort of horrid commercial of how to work my buns off. I didn't know how long I had slept. The pint sat half eaten on the table, most of it melted now. I got myself up and put it in the freezer, hopefully saving some of it for tomorrow.
It was tempting to stay on the couch, but my neck already had a kink in it. I dragged myself up the stairs and into the bed. My sleep was plagued with nightmares of Cee being with another woman and discussing about how stupid I was. I tried to yell at him, to tell him he was wrong but no sound came out. I was forced to stand in silence as he started to kiss her.
I woke up with a start. Cindy was sitting on my bed holding my hand.
“Are you okay? You were having a nightmare,” she said softly.
“Yeah, it was just a bad dream.” I sat up in my bed, a little taken aback that she was able to get into my room without me waking up.
“We thought you would have another rough day today. We came by because we knew without us you would continue to be a bum.” She gestured at my hair, which looked like a rat had made a nest and the stained sweats I was in. “Found you in here, but you were thrashing so hard I couldn’t help but stay until you woke.”
I nodded and tried to start de-tangle my hair with my fingers.
“We?” I asked. I was both grateful and pissed. I had thoroughly planned on being a miserable wretch today.
“Everyone else is downstairs getting breakfast ready. I came up when I heard you yell.” She smiled gently at me, and stood up from the bed. “We’ll have breakfast ready for you in about twenty minutes. Please go take a shower. You're starting to smell.”
She plugged up her nose with her hand and walked away. With a groan, I got out of bed and stepped into the bathroom, turning on the shower. The warm water felt good. It felt like it was washing away all of my pain and I never wanted to get out. Finally, the water turned cold and I decided I should get out before I turned blue.
It felt good to be clean, and I pulled on a pair of comfy sweats. I headed downstairs to kitchen where I found my friends. They were like a well-oiled machine. Tricia cooked breakfast, Melissa made the mimosas, and Cindy set the table. Another bouquet of flowers with a letter decorated the table.
“What’s this?” I gestured.
“I don’t know. We found it on the doorstep.” Melissa topped off her mimosa with some more Champagne and shrugged.
I looked at the flowers. It was a dozen roses, in yellow.
Dear Jes,
I’m sorry. . I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please let me explain.
I love you,
Cee
I crumpled up the note again and threw it in the trash. He couldn't win me over with flowers and cheesy notes.
“What did it say?” Cindy asked looking at the trash.
“Blah blah blah, he's sorry, please let me explain, blah blah.” I grabbed a mimosa and took a large sip.
“Oh, honey, he really looks like he is sorry. I kind of feel bad for the guy. I mean just look at your phone!” Tricia handed it to me “You left it on the coffee table last night, and it kept going off. He called you ten times. He's desperate.”
I shook my head. “We are not dealing with this right now.” I looked at Tricia. “Whose side are you on anyway?”
“Yours, of course. Just maybe he has some reason that he keeps wanting to reach out to you.” Tricia shrugged off my icy gaze and took a sip of mimosa. “Don’t remember when Richard was caught by you? He didn’t care, he was glad it was over. He didn’t fight for you. Cee's fighting.”
“Fighting? Maybe he should have been more truthful to me from the beginning.” The urge to start a brawl myself was filling me. I was going to need to hit something soon, or I was going to say something I would regret.
“Anyway,” Cindy cut in, trying to direct the tension somewhere else. “Breakfast is ready. Let’s dig in.”
We all sat at the kitchen table and ate in silence since no one wanted to set me off again. Cindy cleared her throat and asked, “What is your plan? What are you going to tell Ben?”
“Oh no. Ben.” I put my head in my hands. “I don’t even know what do about that.”
“Tell him the truth. He will understand,” Cindy suggested. “What time is he coming back from his dad’s?”
“In about two hours.” I checked the clock on the microwave. It wasn't much time.
“We are here if you need anything. We’ll clean up and head out so that you can come up with a plan.”
They all stood up from the table and started to clear the dishes. A wave of gratitude flowed over me. I had the best friends. I never would have survived Richard's betrayal, and now Cee's, without them.
“I'll do the dishes, just put everything in the sink,” I said, picking up my own plate. “I can’t thank you girls enough in taking care of me.”
“You'd do the same for us,” Cindy replied. After all the dishes were off the table, I walked to the door and I gave them all hugs. I was truly thankful for their help.
I filled up the sink with soap and water, wondering what I would tell Ben about Cee. Ben was going to be crushed to lose Cee. This was exactly the scenario I had wanted to avoid. By lying to me, Cee had not only broken my heart, but Ben's too.
Lost in thought, I was jarred back to reality by the water spilling over the sink.
I sighed. Just another mess I made.
I cleaned up everything, and ran different scenarios in my mind, but nothing felt right. When Ben came to the door, I still had no idea what to tell him. He gave me a big hug.
“Mom! You wont believe what we did this weekend. Dad bought me a bunch of new lacrosse stuff. And we got to hang out with Matt today. You remember him from my class? He wants to join the Bears team too.”
In the back of my mind I kept praying that he wouldn’t ask about Cee and my weekend. Luckily, he didn’t. At least not until bedtime.
“When is Cee coming over tomorrow? I want to show him the new helmet dad got me.” He grinned excitedly as I pulled the sheets over his arms, and looked into his eyes. They stared at me, waiting for an answer.
“He isn’t going to come over tomorrow. Cindy said she wanted to watch you so that Jake could hang out with you. Cee has some other things to do as well.” I watched his face fall as the lie left my mouth. I hated lying to my son, but I didn’t know how to answer the questions that would come if I didn’t.
“Oh, okay well I'll just see him on Tuesday,” he said with a yawn and rolled onto his side. Maybe by tomorrow I would have the courage to break my son’s heart. I kissed him softly and left him to drift off to sleep.
I crawled into my bed and waited for sleep to take me. I hoped that tomorrow would be busy so I wouldn’t have to think about what happened this weekend.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I hit the alarm in the morning, wishing that I could sleep through the day. I dragged myself into the shower a
nd got ready for the day anyway. I half-expected Cee to walk through the door and hear Ben scamper down the stairs to meet him.
I frowned in the mirror, remembering that I was the one who pushed him away. As I lugged my feet downstairs, I saw Ben sitting at the table slowly eating his cereal. He didn’t have his normal excitement that he did in the mornings Cee was here. I grabbed a cup of coffee and power bar, trying to come up with a way to tell Ben about Cee no longer being his nanny. I started opening my mouth but the words wouldn’t come out.
“Come on Ben, let’s drop you off at Cindy’s,” was all I could muster to tell him. He got up from his table and grabbed his bike as we walked out the door. I walked him over to her house since she was only three doors down.
“Hi Cindy, thank you so much for looking over Ben today. I really appreciate it. I owe you,” I said when she answered the door.
“Not a problem, honey. Jake was looking forward to having some time with Ben,” she greeted us.
I pat Ben on the head as he walked inside her home, placing his bike by the door. “I'll be back as soon as I'm done with work.”
Ben shrugged and hurried off to play with Jake. I waved to Cindy and went to work.
I barely got anything done the entire day. I distractedly typed at the keys trying to write up a summary of the spreadsheets I was working on, but I had only completed a single paragraph when the clock hit 4:30. I was glad this wasn't due until next week.
During my distracted work I had finally come up with a game plan to tell Ben about Cee. I went to Cindy’s house and knocked on the door. Cindy answered. She bit her lip and her eyebrows knit together as soon as she saw me.
“You okay?” I walked in the door. Her house was cool and welcoming compared to the summer heat outside.
“Yeah, I just, accidentally said something to Ben about Cee.” She looked at the floor as she said it. Her shoulders fell. “I was talking to Ray when he came by for lunch. He asked why Ben was over, and I told him it was because you and Cee got into a fight. Cee wasn’t going to be Ben’s nanny anymore, so he would be here for a few more days until you get another babysitter.” She paused looking up at me.
“Oh no,” I whispered, closing my eyes.
“I didn’t realize Ben was in the other room and heard everything. The next thing I heard was him running up the stairs and slamming Jake’s bedroom door. He hasn’t come out since. I was able to get Jake in there to try and talk to him, but I let him be for most of the afternoon. I thought it would be best until you came home and talked to him. I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean to.” I could see the pain in her eyes as she admitted everything.
“It's okay. It's not quite how I was hoping to tell him, but at least he knows.” I gave her a hug, trying to comfort her. “I really appreciate that you watched over him.”
“I'm so sorry, Jes,” Cindy apologized again. “I feel awful.”
“It solves my problem of how to tell him.” I shrugged and looked over at the stairs. “I guess I better try to get him out of Jake's room and back home.”
I climbed up the stairs. Cindy’s house was a lot like mine, yet decorated so differently that if felt entirely like a different place. She enjoyed a bit more of the family feel of a house with pictures hung everywhere of the kids and plaques with motivational sayings on them. Her house was also a bit bigger with an extra bedroom addition on the second floor. I walked to Jake's door where a “No Girls Allowed” sign was hung. I knocked on the door.
“Hey, Ben, it’s your mom. Will you come out and talk to me?” I yelled through the door. The door opened a crack and Jake stuck his head through the door. His auburn hair fell in his eyes as he looked up at me.
“Hi, Ms. Jes. Ben doesn’t want to come to the door right now, so can I take a message?” Jake asked. He bit his lip, chewing on it anxiously.
“Can you please let me in. I really want to see Ben.”
“Um... no you can’t come in.” He shook his head, looking hesitant.
“Jake, open that door for her. If you don’t, I'm going to take away all your toys for a month,” Cindy threatened, coming up behind me.
“I can’t Mom. I promised I wouldn’t,” Jake whined.
“Jake!” Cindy got in front of me, “I'm going to count to three. One, two...” her voice was getting serious. Jake opened up the door hurriedly, and I walked in.
“Where’s Ben?” I asked looking around the room.
“Not here.”
“What do you mean, 'not here'? Where is he?” I looked at Jake. Panic was starting to bubble up in my stomach.
“He made me promise not to tell.” He looked down at the ground and dug his toe into the carpet.
“Please Jake, I really need to talk with him. I know he is mad at me.” I tried to keep my voice calm. If I stayed calm, then so would everyone else. This would be fine.
“He went to go find Cee himself. He took his bike and rode off a little bit ago.” Jake kicked the toys in front of him with his foot. My mouth dropped.
“What?” I gasped. Cindy looked just as surprised as I did.
“I had no idea. I was here the whole day. The only time I wasn't inside was when I...” Cindy paled visibly. “I was in the back hanging up the laundry. He must have snuck out then.”
“Cindy, we need to go find him. Can you help me? I'm going to call him and see if he will pick up.” I dialed Ben’s cell to see if he would answer. It rang and rang, and then nothing. I ran downstairs, Cindy hot on my heels.
“I'm going to start looking for him. I'll pull up his location with my tracker.” I was glad I had installed that app on his phone. It had felt a little big brother-ish at the time, but after the last time he ran away, it was worth it.
I pulled it up and saw that it wasn’t moving—it was close by! I ran out the house door and followed the signal, about a block up I found the phone. It was resting on the sidewalk, just shy of the grass. It must have fallen out of his pocket. I was in a total panic now. Not only was he missing, he didn't have his phone on him. I ran back to Cindy’s, screaming that Ben had lost his phone.
“I'll drive south, and you drive north. I'll let you know if I find him and vice versa,” I instructed as I got in my car. She nodded and started up her own, pushing a scared looking Jake into the backseat of her minivan.
Stay calm, stay calm, I chanted. He's fine, he's fine...
I started scouring the streets, not knowing where he would have gone. I had no idea if he knew where Cee's apartment was. The fact that he was on his bike made things more difficult. It was starting to get dark and to get to Cee’s apartment he had to cross a lot of busy streets.
I banged my hands down on the steering wheel, knowing exactly what I had to do. I didn't have a choice. I picked up my phone and dialed Cee.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Hello?” Cee answered. I felt myself relax with just the sound of his voice and hated that he had that effect on me.
“Hi, Cee, its Jes. Now before you say anything, I'm still mad at you, and I don't want to talk to you.” I was harsh, making sure that he knew I meant business. “But, I need your help. Ben ran away. I think to find you. Have you heard anything from him?” I was out of breath by the time everything was said, trying to not let Cee interrupt me.
“No, I haven’t heard or seen from him today.” His tone was cool, but tinged with worry. I could tell he was still angry and had not let the hurtful things I said go, but at least he cared enough about Ben to let it slide. “Come by and pick me up, we can look together. I think I know of some places where he might be.”
“Okay, be there in five.” I hung up, trying to be as curt as possible. It only took me a moment to drive to Cee’s house, where I found him already on the sidewalk waiting for me. I stopped the car next to him and unlocked the door. He slid effortlessly into the passenger seat. He was wearing a tight black shirt and a pair of his classic board shorts. I looked away quickly, feeling those familiar urges start to take over.
“Jes, I'm so
sorry. I have been wanting to talk to you and explain...” Cee started. I held up my hand to stop him.
“I'm not here to talk to you, I'm here to find my son, and do not want to talk about anything else until we have found him.” I turned back to the steering wheel to show that the conversation was done. Cee closed his mouth and we sat in silence. “Now where do you think Ben is?”
“He might be up at the park a mile away, we used to go there to play lacrosse sometimes.” Cee pointed up the street. “If he was coming to find me, he would go there first. We went there a lot.”
“Okay.” I put the car into drive. The silence between us was deafening, only to be broken with Cee telling directions on which street to turn on. We pulled into the park’s parking lot and got out. It was a little park with a few benches and a playground. It had a wide-open field of grass and a swing set nearby. It was perfect for lacrosse and I could see why Ben liked it here.
“Ben, Ben are you here?” I shouted, trying to hold the fear back in my voice. It was dark now, and there were not many lights to help me look around. I strained my eyes to try and see a shadow or a shape that might be him.
“Ben, Ben!” Cee joined in the yelling, his deeper voice carrying across the field.
“Mom!” I heard Ben’s cry. Relief, pure and heavy hit my heart. I started running around following the voice with Cee right on my heels.
“I'm coming, Ben!” I yelled, following his voice through the dark. I finally found him in the playground, his bike was laying on its side and he was sitting hunched on a bench. I ran to him and hugged him.
“Mommy...” Ben whimpered as I pulled him into me. “It hurts...”I stepped back to take a better look at him. He had worn his helmet, thank God, but he was cradling his wrist.
Walking on Sunshine: A Sweet Love Story (Seasons of Love Book 1) Page 16
