by John Buchan
‘So I had a wife to add to my troubles. I began now to be really worried, for not only might Brumby turn up any moment, but his precious spouse, and I didn’t see how I was to explain to her what I was doing in her husband’s trousers. Also the last sentence disquieted me. Dr Miggle was determined that I should not bolt again, and he looked a resolute lad. That meant that I would be always under observation, and that at night my bedroom door would be locked.
‘I made an errand to go up to my room, while Grimpus waited for me in the hall, and had a look at the window. There was a fine thick Virginia creeper which would make it easy to get to the floor beneath, but it was perfectly impossible to reach the ground, for below was a great chasm of a basement. There was nothing doing that way, unless I went through the room beneath, and that meant another outrage and probably an appalling row.
‘I felt very dispirited as I descended the stairs, till I saw a woman coming out of that identical room... Blessed if it wasn’t my Aunt Letitia!
‘I needn’t have been surprised, for she gave herself out as a martyr to nerves, and was always racing about the world looking for a cure. She saw me, took me for Brumby, and hurried away. Evidently Brumby’s doings had got about, and there were suspicions of his sanity. The moment was not propitious for following her, since Grimpus was looking at me.’
‘I was escorted to the terrace by Grimpus, tucked up in a long chair, and told to stay there and bask in the sun. I must not read, but I could sleep if I liked. I never felt less like slumber, for I was getting to be a very good imitation of a mental case. I must get hold of Aunt Letitia. I could see her in her chair at the other end of the terrace, but if I got up and went to her she would take me for that loony Brumby and have a fit.
‘I lay cogitating and baking in the sun for about two hours. Then I observed that sisters were bringing out tea or medicines to some of the patients and I thought I saw a chance of a move. I called one of them to me, and in a nice invalidish voice complained that the sun was too hot for me and that I wanted to be moved to the other end where there was more shade. The sister went off to find Grimpus and presently that sportsman appeared.
‘“I’ve had enough of this sun-bath,” I told him, “and I feel a headache coming. I want you to shift me to the shade of the beeches over there.”
‘“Very good, sir,” he said, and helped me to rise, while he picked up chair and rugs. I tottered delicately after him, and indicated a vacant space next to Aunt Letitia. She was dozing, and mercifully did not see me. The chair on my other side was occupied by an old gentleman who was sound asleep.
‘I waited for a few minutes and began to wriggle my chair a bit nearer. Then I made a pellet of earth from a crack in the paving stones and jerked it neatly on to her face.
‘“Hist!” I whispered. “Wake up, Aunt Letty.”
‘She opened one indignant eye, and turned it on me, and I thought she was going to swoon.
‘ “Aunt Letty,” I said in an agonised voice. “For Heaven’s sake don’t shout. I’m not Brumby. I’m your nephew Michael.”
‘Her nerves were better than I thought, for she managed to take a pull on herself and listen to me while I muttered my tale. I could see that she hated the whole affair, and had some kind of grievance against me for outraging the sanctity of her pet cure. However, after a bit of parleying, she behaved like a brick.
‘“You are the head of our family, Michael,” she said, “and I am bound to help you out of the position in which your own rashness has placed you. I agree with you that it is essential to have no disclosure of identity. It is the custom here for patients to retire to their rooms at eight-thirty. At nine o’clock I shall have my window open, and if you enter by it you can leave by the door. That is the most I can do for you. Now please be silent, for I am ordered to be very still for an hour before tea.”
‘You can imagine that after that the time went slowly. Grimpus brought me a cup of tea and a rusk, and I fell asleep and only woke when he came at half-past six to escort me indoors. I would have given pounds for a pipe. Dinner was at seven, and I said that I would not trouble to change, though Brumby’s dress-clothes were laid out on the bed. I had the needle badly, for I had a horrid fear that Brumby might turn up before I got away.
‘Presently the doctor arrived, and after cooing over me a bit and feeling my pulse, he started out to cross-examine me about my past life. I suppose that was to find out the subconscious complexes which were upsetting my wits. I decided to go jolly carefully, for I suspected that he had either given Brumby the once-over or had got some sort of report about his case. I was right, for the first thing he asked me was about striking my sister at the age of five. Well, I haven’t got a sister, but I had to admit to beating Brumby’s, and I said the horrible affair still came between me and my sleep. That seemed to puzzle him, for apparently I oughtn’t to have been thinking about it; it should have been buried deep in my unconscious self, and worrying me like a thorn in your finger which you can’t find. He asked me a lot about my nurse, and I said that she had a brother who went to gaol for sheep stealing. He liked that, and said it was a fruitful line of inquiry. Also he wanted to know about my dreams, and said I should write them down. I said I had dreamed that a mare called Nursemaid won the Oaks, but found there was no such animal running. That cheered him up a bit, and he said that he thought my nurse might be the clue. At that I very nearly gave the show away by laughing, for my nurse was old Alison Hyslop, who is now the housekeeper at Larristane, and if anybody called her a clue she’d have their blood.
‘Dinner was no better than luncheon — the same soup and rusks and vegetables, with a bit of ill-nourished chicken added. This time I had to take three kinds of medicine instead of two. I told the sister that I was very tired, and Grimpus took me upstairs at eight o’clock. He said that Dr Miggle proposed to give me another go of violet rays, but I protested so strongly that I was too sleepy for his ministrations that Grimpus, after going off to consult him, announced that for that evening the rays would be omitted. You see I was afraid that they would put me to bed and remove my clothes, and I didn’t see myself trapesing about the country in Brumby’s pyjamas.
‘As Grimpus left me I heard the key turn in the lock. It was as well that I had made a plan with Aunt Letitia.
‘At nine o’clock I got out of my window. It was a fine night, with the sun just setting and a young moon. The Virginia creeper was sound, and in less than a minute I was outside Aunt Letitia’s window. She was waiting in a dressing-gown to let me in, and I believe the old soul really enjoyed the escapade. She wanted to give me money for my travels, but I told her that I had plenty. I poked my nose out, saw that the staircase and hall were empty, and quietly closed the door behind me.
‘The big hall door was shut, and I could hear the prize-fighting porter moving in his adjacent cubby hole. There was no road that way, so I turned to the drawing-room, which opened on the terrace. But that was all in darkness, and I guessed that the windows were shuttered. There was nothing for it but to try downstairs. I judged that the servants would be at supper, so I went through a green-baize swing-door and down a long flight of stone steps.
‘Suddenly I blundered into a brightly lit kitchen. There was no one in it, and beyond was a door which looked as if it might lead to the open air. It actually led to a scullery, where a maid was busy at a tap. She was singing to herself a song called “When the kye come hame”, so I knew she belonged to the countryside. So did I, and I resolved to play the bold game.
‘“Hey, lassie,” I said. “Whaur’s the road out o’ this hoose? I maun be back in Kirk Aller afore ten.”
‘The girl stopped her singing and stared at me. Then in response to my grin she laughed.
‘“Are ye frae Kirk Aller?” she asked.
‘“I’ve gotten a job there,” I said. “I’m in the Cally station, and I cam’ up about a parcel for ane o’ the leddies here. But I come frae further up the water, Larristane way.”
‘“D’ye
say sae? I’m frae Gledside mysel’. What gars ye be in sic a hurry? It’s a fine nicht and there’s a mune.”
‘She was a flirtatious damsel, but I had no time for dalliance.
‘“There’s a lassie in Kirk Aller will take the heid off me if I keep her waitin’.”
‘She tossed her head and laughed. “Haste ye then, my mannie. Is it Shanks’ powny?”
‘“Na, na, I’ve a bicycle ootbye.”
‘“Well, through the wash-hoose and up the steps and roond by the roddydendrums and ye’re in the yaird. Guid nicht to ye.”
‘I went up the steps like a lamplighter and dived into the rhododendrons, coming out on the main avenue. It ran long and straight to the lodge gates, and I didn’t like the look of it. My first business was to find my horse, and I had thought out more or less the direction. The house stood on the right bank of the burn, and if I kept to my left I would cross the said burn lower down and could then walk up the other side. I did this without trouble. I forded the burn in the meadow, and was soon climbing the pine-wood which clothed the gorge. In less than twenty minutes I had reached the gate in the wall by which I had entered.
‘There was no sign of my horse anywhere. I followed the wall on my left till it curved round and crossed the burn, but the beast was not there, and it was too dark to look for hoof-marks. I tried to my right and got back to the level of the park, but had no better luck. If I had had any sense I would have given up the quest, and trusted to getting as far as Gledsfoot on my own feet. The horse might be trusted to turn up in his own time. Instead I went blundering on in the half-light of the park, and presently blundered into trouble.
‘Grimpus must have paid another visit to my room, found me gone, seen the open window, and started a hue-and-cry. They would not suspect my Aunt Letitia, and must have thought that I had dropped like a cat into the basement. The pursuit was coming down the avenue, thinking I had made for the lodge gates, and as ill-luck would have it, I had selected that moment to cross the drive, and they spotted me. I remember that out of a corner of one eye I saw the lights of a fly coming up the drive, and I wondered if Brumby had selected this inauspicious moment to return.
‘I fled into the park with three fellows after me. Providence never meant me for a long-distance runner, and, besides, I was feeling weak from lack of nourishment. But I was so scared of what would happen if I was caught that I legged it like a miler, and the blighters certainly didn’t gain on me.
‘But what I came to was the same weary old wall with the bottle glass on the top of it. I was pretty desperate, and I thought I saw a way. A young horse-chestnut tree grew near the wall and one bough overhung it. I made a jump at the first branch, caught it, and with a bit of trouble swung myself up into the crutch. This took time, and one of the fellows came up and made a grab at my leg, but I let him have Brumby’s rubber-soled heel in the jaw.
‘I caught the bigger branch and wriggled along it till I was above and beyond the wall. Then the dashed thing broke with my twelve stone, and I descended on what looked like a highroad.
‘There was no time to spare, though I was a bit shaken, for the pursuit would not take long to follow me. I started off down that road looking for shelter, and I found it almost at once. There was a big covered horse-van moving ahead of me, with a light showing from the interior. I sprinted after it, mounted the step and stuck my head inside.
‘“Can I come in?” I panted. “Hide me for ten minutes and I’ll explain.”
‘I saw an old, spectacled, whiskered face. It was portentously solemn, but I thought I saw a twinkle in the eye.
‘“Ay,” said a toothless mouth, “ye can come in.” A hand grabbed my collar, and I was hauled inside. That must have been just when the first of my pursuers dropped over the wall.’
Part II. The Fire
‘I had got into a caravan which was a sort of bedroom, and behind the driver’s seat was a double curtain. There I made myself inconspicuous while the old man parleyed with the pursuit.
‘“Hae ye seen a gentleman?” I could hear a panting voice. “Him that drappit ower the wa’? He was rinnin’ hard.”
‘“What kind of a gentleman?”
‘“He had on grey claithes — aboot the same height as mysel’.” The speaker was not Grimpus.
‘“Naebody passed me,” was the strictly truthful answer. “Ye’d better seek the ither side o’ the road among the bracken. There’s plenty hidy-holes there. Wha’s the man?”
‘“Ane o’ the doctor’s folk.” I knew, though I could not see, that the man had tapped his forehead significantly. “Aweel, I’ll try back. Guid nicht to ye.”
I crept out of my refuge and found the old man regarding me solemnly under the swinging lamp.
‘“I’m one of the auld-fashioned Radicals,” he announced, “and I’m for the liberty o’ the individual. I dinna hold wi’ lockin’ folks up because a pernicketty doctor says they’re no wise. But I’d be glad to be assured, sir, that ye’re not a dangerous lunattic. If ye are, Miggle has nae business to be workin’ wi’ lunattics. His hoose is no an asylum.”
‘“I’m as sane as you are,” I said, and as shortly as I could I told him my story. I said I was a laird on Gledwater-side — which was true, and that my name was Brown — which wasn’t. I told him about my bet with Archie and my ride and its disastrous ending. His face never moved a muscle; probably he didn’t believe me, but because of his political principles he wasn’t going to give me away.
‘“Ye can bide the night with me,” he said. “The morn we’ll be busy and ye can gang wherever ye like. It’s a free country in spite o’ our God-forsaken Government.”
‘I blessed him, and asked to whom I was indebted for this hospitality.
‘“I’m the Great McGowan,” he said. “The feck o’ the pawra-phernalia is on ahead. We open the morn in Kirk Aller.”
‘He had spoken his name as if it were Mussolini or Dempsey, one which all the world should know. I knew it too, for it had been familiar to me from childhood. You could have seen it any time in the last twenty years flaming upon hoardings up and down the Lowlands —— The Great McGowan’s Marvellous Multitudinous Menagerie — McGowan’s Colossal Circassian Circus — The Only Original McGowan.
‘We rumbled on for another half-mile, and then turned from the road into a field. As we bumped over the grass I looked out of the door and saw about twenty big caravans and wagons at anchor. There was a strong smell of horses and of cooking food, and above it I seemed to detect the odour of unclean beasts. We took up our station apart from the rest, and after the proprietor had satisfied himself by a brief inspection that the whole outfit was there, he announced that it was time to retire. Mr McGowan had apparently dined, and he did not offer me food, which I would have welcomed, but he mixed me a rummer of hot toddy. I wondered if it would disagree with the various medicines I had been compelled to take, and make me very sick in the night. Then he pointed out my bunk, undressed himself as far as his shirt, pulled a nightcap over his venerable head, and in five minutes was asleep. I had had a wearing day, and in spite of the stuffiness of the place it wasn’t long before I dropped off also.
‘I awoke next morning to find myself alone in the caravan. I opened the window and saw that a fine old racket was going on. The show had started to move, and as the caravan bumped over the turf various specimens inside were beginning to give tongue. It was going to be a gorgeous day and very hot. I was a little bit anxious about my next move, for Kirk Aller was unpleasantly near Craigiedean and Dr Miggle. In the end I decided that my best plan would be to take the train to Langshiels and there hire a car to Larristane, after sending a telegram to say I was all right, in case my riderless steed should turn up before me. I hadn’t any headgear, but I thought I could buy something in Kirk Aller, and trust to luck that nobody from the Kurhaus spotted me in the street. I wanted a bath and a shave and breakfast, but I concluded I had better postpone them till I reached the hotel at Langshiels.
‘Presently
Mr McGowan appeared, and I could see by his face that something had upset him. He was wearing an old check dressing-gown, and he had been padding about in his bare feet on the dewy grass.
‘“Ye telled me a story last night, Mr Brown,” he began solemnly, “which I didna altogether believe. I apologise for being a doubting Thomas. I believe every word o’t, for I’ve just had confirmation.”
‘I mumbled something about being obliged to him, and he went on.
‘“Ay, for the pollis were here this morning — seeking you. Yon man at Craigiedean is terrible ill-set against ye, Mr Brown. The pollisman — his name’s Tam Doig, I ken him fine — says they’re looking for a man that personated an inmate, and went off wi’ some o’ the inmate’s belongings. I’m quotin’ Tam Doig. I gave Tam an evasive answer, and he’s off on his bicycle the other road, but — I ask ye as a freend, Mr Brown — what is precisely the facts o’ the case?”
‘“Good God!” I said. “It’s perfectly true. These clothes I’m wearing belong to the man Brumby, though they’ve got my own duds in exchange. He must have come back after I left. What an absolutely infernal mess! I suppose they could have me up for theft.”
‘“Mair like obtaining goods on false pretences, though I think ye have a sound answer. But that’s no the point, Mr Brown. The doctor is set on payin’ off scores. Ye’ve entered his sawnatorium and gone through a’ the cantrips he provides, and ye’ve made a gowk o’ him. He wants to make an example o’ you. Tam Doig was sayin’ that he’s been bleezin’ half the night on the telephone, an’ he’ll no rest till ye’re grippit. Now ye tell me that ye’re a laird and a man o’ some poseetion, and I believe ye. It wad be an ill job for you and your freends if ye was to appear before the Shirra.”
‘I did some rapid thinking. So far I was safe, for there was nothing about the clothes I had left behind to identify me. I was pretty certain that my horse had long ago made a bee-line for the Larristane stables. If I could only get home without being detected, I might regard the episode as closed.
