by Albert Ellis
This is not a new discovery of REBT. Many philosophers have pointed this out—especially the Greek and Roman stoics, almost 2,500 years ago. One of their outstanding thinkers, Epictetus, put it clearly in the first century AD: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.” And Shakespeare restated this idea in Hamlet: “There’s nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”
So REBT’s view of the ABCs of emotional disturbance has an honorable history. Not that REBT—as you will see later—is pure stoicism. It isn’t! But it agrees with Epictetus: You largely (not entirely) create your own misery. And you can choose not to do so.
How can you prevent and undo your upsetness? By gaining insight into the Bs in the ABCs of REBT.
What are these Bs?
The Bs of REBT are Beliefs-Feelings-Behaviors. REBT calls them Beliefs-Feelings-Behaviors because they include all three processes. But in this book we shall mainly use the term “Beliefs.”
You can be aware or unaware, conscious or unconscious of your Beliefs. You can express them in words, images, fantasies, symbols, and various other ways. If you would clearly understand and use them to change yourself, you had better state them consciously and verbally. But you can undo your misery-creating ideas yourself. In fact, one of the virtues of REBT is that it shows you many ways of changing your Beliefs—as I shall emphasize in this book:
When you needlessly make yourself miserable, you use two main kinds of Beliefs:
1. RATIONAL BELIEFS (rBs)
Your rBs are thoughts (and feelings and actions) that help you feel healthily and behave effectively—that enable you to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. They include “cool” thoughts or calm descriptions of what is going on (WIGO) in your life. For example: “This job interviewer is frowning at me and may not favor me for this job.” This is a “cool” thought because it tells you what the interviewer is doing but not how you rate or evaluate his or her act.
You can understand your feelings better if you look for the “warm” thoughts that you include in your rational Beliefs (rBs). For example: “Because I would like to get this job, I dislike this interviewer’s frowning at me and wish he would stop frowning and instead beam at me.” With these “warm” thoughts you express your desires, wishes, preferences, and dislikes. They rate or evaluate what is occurring in terms of your basic Goals (G).
“Warm” rational Beliefs are also undogmatic and are based on probability instead of certainty. For example: “There is a good chance that I would like this job if I get it, but I actually may not. And even if I would like it very much, I don’t have to get it or keep it—though it would be very nice if I did!”
2. IRRATIONAL BELIEFS (iBs)
Your iBs are thoughts (and feelings and actions) that help you feel unhealthy and behave ineffectively—that interfere with your getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. They start with “cool” thoughts (“This job interviewer seems to dislike me”) as well as “warm” thoughts (“I wish he would like me and I hate his disliking me and keeping me from this job”). But they also include “hot” thoughts that strongly rate what is going on and are absolutist, dogmatic, and commanding. For example: “No matter what, I must have this interviewer like me and give me this job! If he doesn’t it’s awful! I can’t stand it! If I lose this job that proves that I am an incompetent, worthless person who will never be able to get and keep a good position!
Note well! REBT does not hold that all emotional disturbance stems from iBs, because it may have other important causes. Nor does it claim that all irrational Beliefs lead to disturbance, because (as John Dewey once said) many of them don’t. You may irrationally believe, for example, that all women are crazy, that eating turtles will cure warts, and that two and two equal five, and you may not feel miserable. You will probably act inefficiently if you believe these (and a hundred other) irrational Beliefs. But you may or may not disturb yourself by holding them.
REBT merely—and uniquely—contends that when you rigidly hold certain irrational Beliefs—when you dogmatically command that you must do well, have to be approved by others, have got to have people treat you fairly, and always ought to live with easy and enjoyable conditions—when you stoutly hold these iBs, you will tend to make yourself needlessly miserable and will probably defeat some of your most cherished goals.
REBT further states that when you hold irrational Beliefs (iBs), you consciously or unconsciously choose these absolutist shoulds, oughts, and musts—and therefore you have the ability to consciously explore and change them.
Let me therefore repeat Insight No. 2: You largely (not completely) create and control your own disturbed thoughts and feelings; and therefore you have the power to radically change them. Providing that you accept this insight and work hard at using it!
More specifically: You can undo your misery if you work at finding and surrendering your irrational Beliefs.
George, who had heard that REBT deals with irrational Beliefs, came to see me because he “irrationally” lusted after almost every woman under forty that he met. George was twenty-five.
I soon showed George that he mainly had a strong preference for sex with many women—but that was hardly irrational, as long as it was only that, a preference. His rational Belief (rB) was, “I like sex very much and wish I could have it with most of the women I meet.”
His main irrational Belief (iB) was, “I must not have such a strong sex preference! I should always be more selective in my lusting—and only want to go to bed with women whom I really like.”
“Why is this belief irrational?” George asked me when he acknowledged having it.
“Because,” I answered, “it’s a command rather than a desire. You can rationally prefer to have less desire—even to be without any lust. But once you say to yourself, ‘I must not desire! I must not lust!’ you will become obsessed with your desire—and probably experience it more intensely. Moreover, you will not be able to plot and scheme how to diminish it. So your determination to be less lustful will get you into trouble. It will tend to make you anxious and guilty.”
“It does!” George exclaimed.
“So you’d better see what your irrational Belief really is,” I pointed out.
“You mean,” said George, “I have an irrational Belief about a rational Belief—about my strong preference for sex. Is that right?”
“Very well put! In REBT terms, you have an iB about an rB. Now if we can help you to give up your irrational Belief that you must not be lustful, you will still have the rational Belief that sex can be very enjoyable, and will probably be able to engage in more sex—and enjoy it thoroughly!”
“I see!” said George.
But although it was easy for him, with my help, to see the difference between his rB and his iB, he at first had trouble eliminating the latter. For he correctly asked himself, at D (Disputing of irrational Beliefs), “Why must I not lust after many women? Why is it wrong for me to do so?” And he correctly answered, “It’s okay for me to have strong sex drives. Therefore, I’m okay as a person.”
This was a wrong answer because he soon went back to thinking: “But suppose it is wrong for me to be so sexy? Other men aren’t as hungry as I am. So maybe I’m abnormal in that respect. And if I am, that makes me a pretty lousy person!”
When George came up with this answer—and still remained anxious and guilty—I showed him that he had a highly inelegant solution to his guilt problem and that a more elegant REBT solution would be for him first to show himself that his preference, “I would like to have sex with many women,” was rational. But second, he had better also understand that even if his sex desires were unusual, and if too much indulgence in them was irrational, that would only mean that he was a person who had “abnormal” desires but not an “abnormal” or lousy person. For REBT shows people how to stop damning and to fully accept themselves even when some of their acts are stupid, wrong, or immoral.
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br /> Anyway, when George saw the difference between his rational and irrational Beliefs and when he kept working to surrender the latter, he finally became unanxious and unguilty about his strong sex drives. And one time, when he foolishly spent several weeks compulsively having sex with several women while sadly neglecting his retail business, he was able to conclude that his behavior was stupid and self-defeating but that he was not a stupid, rotten person. After that, he was able to handle his promiscuous desires more reasonably.
By understanding—and working at—Insight No. 2, George was able to control his emotional destiny. And sometimes to feel sorry but not depressed about his compulsive sex acts.
REBT Exercise No. 6
Try to remember a recent time in which you felt anxious about something—such as feeling anxious or panicked about taking a test, playing in an important game, or asking for a promotion or a raise at work. Assume that you created this anxious feeling by thinking (a) a rational Belief (rB) or preference and (b) an irrational Belief (iB) or strong demand.
Example of your rB or preference: “I would very much like to pass this test, but if I don’t I can try to pass it later. And if I never pass it, I still can live and be happy.”
Example of your iB or demand: “I have to pass this test, and if I don’t I’ll be a truly stupid person who will never be able to get what I really want.”
Think, now, of a recent time when you felt depressed about a failure or a rejection. Assume, again, that you created this depressed feeling by telling yourself rational Beliefs (rBs) and irrational Beliefs (iBs). Find them!
Example of your rB or preference: “I strongly wanted to win that game but I can accept losing it and learn to play better next time. I can also enjoy playing even if I lose many games.”
Example of your iB or demand: “I absolutely ought to have won that game and because I lost it I am a thoroughly rotten player and an incompetent person.”
Think of a time when you became angry or enraged. Assume, once again, that you made yourself angry by holding both a rational Belief (rB) or preference and an irrational Belief (iB) or godlike command.
Example of your rB or preference: “I would have very much liked my boss seeing that I deserved a raise and giving me a good one. Since he didn’t, he unfortunately doesn’t appreciate my work and that’s too bad, but hardly the end of the world.”
Example of your iB or godlike command: “Because I am a good worker, my boss absolutely should have appreciated me and given me a good raise. Since he didn’t, he’s no damned good and deserves to lose his rotten business!”
Keep looking for and persist until you find your rational Beliefs (rBs) and irrational Beliefs (iBs) whenever you feel anxious, depressed, enraged, self-downing, and self-pitying. Try to see that your rBs just about always express your preferences and distastes—what you want and don’t want—and that your iBs express your unconditional musts, shoulds, and oughts—your godlike demands and commands on yourself, others, and on the universe. Practice seeing this difference many times until you easily and automatically tend to clearly see it. Work at fully accepting the reality that however legitimate and appropriate your goals and wishes are, they are hardly the same as your dogmatic and needless demands.
8
REBT Insight No. 3: The Tyranny of the Shoulds
What main specific irrational Beliefs (iBs) do you use to upset yourself ? You probably adopt and invent many of them, as we shall keep revealing in this book.
Your most important irrational pathway is musturbation—or your devoutly following of what Karen Horney called “the tyranny of the shoulds.”
Following Horney’s lead, we arrive at Insight No. 3: You mainly make yourself needlessly and neurotically miserable by strongly holding absolutist irrational Beliefs (iBs), especially by rigidly believing unconditional shoulds, oughts, and musts.
How do you acquire or invent your destructive musts?
Very easily! As a human, you are first of all born suggestible—gullible—to the commandments of your parents and your culture. Worse yet, you have your own genius for inventing rules and regulations that you rigidly believe that you (and others) have to follow.
You, like virtually all humans, are a natural-born reasoner and problem solver. But you are also a master of rationalization, self-delusion, and bigotry.
You think straightly—and crookedly. In fact, you are sane enough to keep yourself alive and happy—and you are crazy enough to be irrational, illogical, and inconsistent. As the long history of humanity clearly shows!
You so easily think foolishly that your thoughts often bring on emotional problems. I described twelve major irrational beliefs in my first paper on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy that I gave in 1956 at the American Psychological Association’s annual convention in Chicago.
Psychologists soon became so enthusiastic about these irrational Beliefs (iBs) that they devised several tests of irrationality and have now published hundreds of studies using these tests. Over 90 percent of these studies support the REBT theory that emotionally disturbed people subscribe to more irrational ideas than do less disturbed individuals.
Following my lead, a number of other therapists created tests of crooked thinking (such as the Beck Depression Inventory) and have used them in hundreds of research studies. Again, the results almost always show that disturbed people subscribe to more unrealistic and dogmatic thoughts than do less upset individuals.
This widespread interest in irrational ideas has had some bad as well as good results. For humans create many kinds—perhaps hundreds—of irrationalities, which tend to influence their feelings and make them act inefficiently. But not all of these irrationalities, by any means, lead to neurosis.
If you believe that you are a good poker player when you really are not, you will probably foolishly risk playing with good players—and will often lose. If, however, you irrationally believe that you must be a great poker player and that you have to continually show others how good you are, you then probably will compulsively gamble and keep gambling even when you steadily lose.
After I described the first twelve basic iBs of REBT in 1956, I continued to explore my clients’ irrationalities. To my surprise, I discovered that I could condense my original list into three main iBs—and that these were all musts instead of preferences. The three basic musts that create emotional problems are:
1. “I must perform well and/or win the approval of important people or else I am an inadequate person!”
2. “You must treat me fairly and considerately and not unduly frustrate me or else you are a rotten individual.”
3. “My life conditions must give me the things I want and have to have to keep me from harm or else life is unbearable and I can’t be happy at all!”
As I boiled down the previous irrational ideas I had discovered into these three major musts, I also found that my clients’ other upsetting beliefs were not independent but were consciously or unconsciously derived from their musts.
Take, for example, one of the most popular iBs, which I have named awfulizing or horribleizing: “It’s awful if I fail at this important task and it’s horrible if people reject me for failing.”
This is a crazy idea because although it may be highly unfortunate for you to fail and very inconvenient for you to be rejected, when you call failure and rejection awful and horrible you imply that they are more than bad or 101 percent inconvenient—which, of course, they cannot be. They aren’t even 100 percent bad—because they could usually be worse. When you overgeneralize and go beyond reality in this way, you will make yourself feel panicked and depressed (instead of appropriately sorry and frustrated) if you fail and get rejected.
Now why does a bright person like you resort to this kind of silly, unrealistic awfulizing? Mainly, I contend, because you start with a conscious or unconscious must and then you easily and “logically” derive your awfulizing from it. Thus, you start with “I absolutely must perform this task well!” Then you “reason
ably” conclude, “And since I didn’t perform as well as I absolutely must, it’s awful, it’s more than inconvenient, it’s as bad as it possibly could be, it’s the end of the world!”
If you only stayed with your preference for doing well and never escalated it into a dire necessity, a must, would you awfulize about your poor performance? Hardly ever! I contend. For your preference statement would be, “I would like to perform this task well, but I don’t ever have to. So if I fail, too bad—but not awful!”
Take another set of iBs: personalizing and all-or-none thinking: “Now that the person I truly love has rejected me, I’m sure I acted very badly. Therefore, I am a thoroughly inadequate person who will always be rejected and never be loved by someone for whom I care.”
These ideas are irrational and self-defeating because:
1. You may not have acted badly at all and still may have been rejected because the person you love has unique tastes or prejudices. In fact, you may act so well that your beloved may conclude that you are too good and that therefore he or she had better reject you before you later do the rejecting.
2. Even if you act badly with your beloved and therefore get rejected, you are hardly an inadequate person but a person who acted inadequately this time and who can learn to act better in the future.
3. Just because you get rejected now doesn’t prove that you’ll always be rejected and never be accepted by everyone for whom you care. If you keep trying, that’s most improbable. Your conclusion is a silly overgeneralization.
Now why, again, does a reasonable person like you make such crazy conclusions?
Not because you simply want to be accepted. For then you would conclude that it’s undesirable when you are rejected and would keep trying for future approval. You might possibly criticize your efforts but hardly damn yourself when a loved one rejects you.
But suppose you irrationally begin with strong and devout musts—such as, “I must win the love of everyone I truly love and must never be rejected!” You will then easily and naturally conclude, “Because I have been rejected, as I must not be, I am sure I acted badly and am an inadequate person who will never be loved the way I must be!”
