by Albert Ellis
I’ll sooner or later probably pass this test and get some kind of a decent career. I’ll darned well pass this test one of these days, probably this time! And whether or not I do, I’m absolutely determined to get a good career!
If I keep working in a menial capacity, it won’t kill me. Whatever capacity I keep working in, I am determined to get some very good things out of the work. And even if I never do enjoy it, I can always find other aspects of my life that will be exceptionally enjoyable!
If I make very little money all my life, I can still get by. If I make very little money all my life, I cannot only get by but somehow manage to have a damned good time. Money is important but it clearly isn’t everything!
It would be pretty inconvenient to make little money all my life, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. It would be damned inconvenient to make little money all my life, but in one way or another I will work my butt off to make more. If somehow I don’t succeed, I will merely reduce my expenses and be one of the happiest people alive who lives on very little!
If I fail this test and make less money for the rest of my life, I’ll only be a person who failed but not a rotten worm. No matter how many tests I fail or how little money I make in life, I am never a worm or a totally incompetent person. I am and will always be a fallible human, but I can always fully accept myself and look for every possible pleasure in life no matter how badly I act in certain respects. I am I; just because I am alive and am myself I ALWAYS deserve to have the best time I can have during my lifetime. Now how the hell do I manage to have that good time? By striving for it!
IRRATIONAL BELIEF
My friend, Norbert, borrowed money from me and said that he’d pay it back quickly. Now several months have gone by and he still hasn’t paid it. What is more, he’s acting as if I just gave him the money as a gift and that he’s not supposed to pay it back. If he gets a lot of money, he says, he will give me back what I lent him, but just out of the goodness of his heart and not because he really owes it to me. How could he do a thing like that to me?! What a thorough bastard he is! This means that he has no real good qualities. He deserves to be severely damned and punished, and I think I’ll really get back at him. I’ll show him that he can’t act that way to me!
ILLUSTRATIVE DIALOGUE
Irrational you: How could he do a thing like that?
Mild answer: He just could. That’s the way he often behaves just like that. Well, that’s his problem.
Strong answer: He damned well easily could do a thing like that! It’s not the first time he’s acted that way, and I’ll bet it won’t be the last! I wish to hell that he wouldn’t be like that, but he often is. Tough! But I expect it—and take it!
Irrational you: But after all I did for him! I went out of my way to lend him the money and he still insists that I gave it to him! What a thorough bastard he is!
Mild answer: Yes, I really went out of my way to lend him the money, but that doesn’t mean that he has to go out of his way to pay me back. He’s not a thorough bastard—though he sometimes acts in a bastardly manner.
Strong answer: Yes, I went out of my way to lend him the money, but that never in the least means that he has to go out of his way, or to be very honest, and to pay me back. Whatever I decide to do is me; and what he decides to do is Norbert. Well, that certainly is a rotten thing for him to do, and I definitely won’t trust him in the future—or lend him any more money! But he’s not a thorough bastard—not even an unthorough bastard. He’s just a fallible human, like all of us are, and this is one of his great fallibilities. Well, I’ll never like his having this kind of failing, but I can clearly live with it, still try to get my money back, and be a happy human—though not as happy—if I never get it. Isn’t it too darned bad that some of my best “friends” turn out to be unfriendly?
Irrational you: I still think he’s a thorough bastard! If he can do a thing like this, he has no real good qualities.
Mild answer: Isn’t that an exaggeration on my part? Of course, he, like all humans, has some good qualities. It’s just this aspect of him that is bad.
Strong answer: What nonsense! Of course he has good qualities, too. Everyone does. Even Hitler doubtless had a few. But for all his good qualities—and I’d better admit that at other times he has been quite good to me—his not accepting that he borrowed the money and falsely claiming that I gave it to him is really a bad act. And that’s just what I’m going to try to show him—not that he is bad but that his dishonest act is. I’m really going to persist at trying to show him that. But if I can’t, I can’t. At worst, I’ll just lose the money and cut him off as a friend.
Irrational you: Damned well I’ll cut him off as a friend! Me, friendly with a person like that? Never! He deserves to be severely damned and punished, and I think I’ll really get back at him.
Mild answer: What’s the use of getting back at him? I’ll only waste more time doing that. I might as well drop it. But he really is a pretty crummy person.
Strong answer: How silly of me to try to get back at him! I wasted enough time and money already in dealing with him, and now I’m just going to continue this nonsense by thinking about him and wasting time and energy trying to get back at him. He may theoretically deserve, in a thoroughly just world, to be penalized for his bad behavior to me, but he hardly deserves to be severely damned and punished. No human is subhuman; no human is damnable. If I foolishly stole from him, the universe wouldn’t spy on me and command that I must be damned and punished. Why, then, should he be? I’ll still try to put pressure on him, but not angry pressure, to get my money back. But no waste of time damning him!
Irrational you: No matter how much time and energy it takes, I’ll show him that he can’t act that way to me. I’ll fix his wagon! And while I’m at it, maybe there’s something I can do to get back at his wife and family, too!
Mild answer: There’s no way that I can certainly show him that he can’t act that way to me. He has a right, as a human, to do whatever he wishes, even when he’s clearly wrong. I’d better drop the whole thing and forget it.
Strong answer: Of course, he can act that way to me. Damned well he can! In fact, he has a great talent for acting in that unfriendly way, and now that I’ve discovered this I’d better accept that grim reality. And I have no way, probably, of showing him that he can’t act that way to me. No matter how vindictive I become, and even hurt his wife and family, that won’t show him. In fact, it will probably show him, in his eyes, what a “louse” I am, and then he’ll deliberately not pay the money back to me—and perhaps vindictively try to hurt me and my family. If I foolishly try to fix his wagon, I’ll very likely fix my own wagon in the process. Then I’ll suffer even more than I’m now suffering. What crap on my part! Just because he’s wrong doesn’t mean that I have to spend the rest of my life vindictively being wrong, too. Let me just try to talk to him, without anger and vindictiveness again, and see what I can do. And if I can’t do anything, well, I just can’t! I’d better still drop it. Yes, drop it and go about my own business!
When you have written out or done a tape recording on forcefully debating and disputing your irrational Belief about something, go over it to make it even stronger. Let some of your friends or associates go over it with you. Work on being strong but not violent. Try not to perpetuate the craziness in which you are engaging or that is being destructively used against you. Practice strongly—yes, s-t-r-o-n-g-l-y—disputing your own nutty ideas!
16
REBT Insight No. 11: Achieving Emotional Change Is Not Enough—Maintaining It Is Harder!
As Mark Twain said: “It’s easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it a thousand times.”
This sums up the history of dieting, too. For every hundred people who lose thirty pounds or more by various diets, well over 90 percent gain all or most of it back.
Similarly with psychotherapy. Millions of people change by going for therapy. But almost all of them at times fall back. For a while, their feelings
of anxiety, depression, and rage disappear. And then return!
Sometimes, if you work at erasing your emotional misery, you take two steps forward—and only one step backward. Sometimes the reverse. Sometimes you completely free yourself of depression. Then you fall right back in the thick black soup again. You may never again experience an old problem—such as a fear of public speaking. But then you bring on an entirely new one—such as fear of job hunting.
This brings us to Insight No. 11: You may for a while find it easy to change your feelings. But you’d better keep working, working, working to maintain your gains.
Almost no person gets completely or forever cured of misery. Including you!
What can you do, then, to maintain your improvement and to deal with backsliding?
A great deal.
At the Albert Ellis Institute in New York City, we have given much thought to this question and have come up with a pamphlet that we give to all our clients. Let me demonstrate Insight No. 11 of REBT by showing you some of the main points in this pamphlet, How to Maintain and Enhance Your Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Gains.
What are important things you can remember to maintain your improvement? Try these:
1. When you fall back to old feelings of anxiety, depression, or self-downing, zero in on the exact thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you once changed to make yourself improve. If you again feel depressed, think back to how you previously used REBT to make yourself undepressed. For example, you may remember that:
a. You stopped telling yourself that you were worthless and that you couldn’t ever succeed in getting what you wanted.
b. You did well in a job and proved to yourself that you did have some ability to succeed.
c. You forced yourself to go on interviews instead of avoiding them and thereby overcame your anxiety about them.
Remind yourself of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you have changed and that you have helped yourself by changing.
2. Keep thinking, thinking, and thinking rational Beliefs (rBs) or coping statements, such as: “It’s great to succeed but I can fully accept myself as a person and enjoy life considerably even when I fail!” Don’t merely parrot these statements but carefully think them many times. Yes, strongly think them through until you truly begin to feel that they are true.
3. Keep looking for, discovering, and disputing your irrational Beliefs (iBs) with which you are once again upsetting yourself. Take each important irrational Belief—such as, “I have to succeed in order to be a worthwhile person!”—and keep asking yourself: “Why is this belief true?” “Where is the evidence that my worth as a person depends on my succeeding?” “In what way would I be a rotten human if I failed at an important task?”
Keep forcefully disputing your irrational Beliefs whenever you see that you are letting them creep back in again. And even when you are not bothering yourself, realize that you may bring them back. So ask yourself what you think they are, make yourself fully conscious of them—and vigorously dispute them.
4. Keep taking risks and doing things that you irrationally fear—such as riding in elevators, socializing, job hunting, or creative writing. As you are overcoming one of your irrational fears, keep thinking and acting against it on a regular basis. Do what you are afraid to do—and very often!
If you feel uncomfortable when you force yourself to do things you irrationally fear, to hell with the discomfort! Don’t allow yourself to cop out—and thereby to preserve your fears forever! Often, make yourself as uncomfortable as you can be, in order to erase your fears and to become unanxious and comfortable later.
5. Learn to clearly see the difference between healthy bad feelings—such as those of sorrow, regret, and frustration—when you do not get some of the important things you want, and unhealthy bad feelings—such as those of depression, anxiety, self-hatred, and self-pity—when you are deprived. Whenever you feel overconcerned (panicked) or needlessly miserable (depressed), admit that you are having a very common but an unhealthy feeling and that you are bringing it on yourself with some dogmatic shoulds, oughts, or musts.
Realize that you are quite capable of changing your unhealthy (or musturbatory) feelings back into healthy (or preferential) ones. Get in touch with your depressed feelings and work on them until you only feel sorry and regretful. Get in touch with your anxious feelings and work on them until you only feel concerned and vigilant.
Use rational emotive imagery to vividly imagine unpleasant Activating Events even before they happen. Let yourself feel unhealthily upset (anxious, depressed, enraged, or self-downing) as you imagine them. Then work on your feelings to change them to healthy emotions (concern, sorrow, annoyance, or regret) as you keep imagining some of the worst things happening. Don’t give up until you actually do change your feelings.
6. Avoid procrastination. Do unpleasant tasks fast—today! If you still procrastinate, reward yourself with certain things that you enjoy—for example, eating, vacationing, reading, or socializing—only after you have performed the tasks that you easily avoid. If this won’t work, give yourself a severe penalty—such as talking to a boring person for two hours or burning a hundred dollar bill—every time that you procrastinate.
7. Make an absorbing challenge and an adventure out of maintaining your emotional health and keeping yourself reasonably happy no matter what kind of misfortunes assail you. Make the removal of your misery one of the most important things in your life—something you are utterly determined to achieve. Fully acknowledge that you always have some choice about how to think, feel, and behave; throw yourself actively into making that choice for yourself.
8. Remember—and use—the three main insights of REBT that were first outlined in Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy in 1962:
Insight No. 1: You largely choose to disturb yourself about the “upsetting” events of your life. You mainly feel the way you think. When obnoxious and frustrating things happen to you at point A (Activating Events), you consciously or unconsciously select rational Beliefs (rBs) that lead you to feel sad and regretful and you also select irrational Beliefs (iBs) that lead you to feel anxious, depressed, and self-hating.
Insight No. 2: No matter how or when you acquired your irrational Beliefs and habits, you now, in the present, choose to maintain them—and that is why you are now disturbed. Poor conditions (in the past and present) affect you, but they don’t disturb you. Your present philosophy creates your current disturbance.
Insight No. 3: There is no magical way for you to change your personality and your strong tendencies to upset yourself. You really change with work and practice. Your work and your practice.
9. Keep looking—steadily but unfrantically—for personal pleasures and enjoyments—such as reading, entertainment, sports, hobbies, art, science, and other vital absorbing interests. Make your major life goal the achievement of emotional health—and also that of real enjoyment.
Try to become involved in a long-term purpose, goal, or interest in which you can remain truly absorbed. Make yourself a good, happy life by giving yourself something to live for. In that way you will distract yourself from serious woes and will help preserve your mental health.
10. Keep in touch with several other people who know something about REBT and who can help review it with you. Tell them about your problems and let them know how you are using REBT to overcome them. See if they agree with your solutions and can suggest additional REBT methods to work against your irrational Beliefs.
11. Practice using REBT with some of your friends and associates who will let you try to help them with it. The more often you use it with others, and try to talk them out of their self-defeating ideas, the more you will understand the main principles of REBT and be able to use them with yourself.
When you see other people acting irrational and upset, try to figure out—with or without talking to them about it— their main irrational Beliefs and how these can be actively and vigorously disputed. This, again, gives you practice in working
on your own iBs.
12. Keep reading REBT writings and listening to REBT audio-and audio-visual cassettes. Read and listen to several of these—particularly my books, Humanistic Psychotherapy; A Guide to Personal Happiness; A Guide to Rational Living; Feeling Better, Getting Better, and Staying Better; and Overcoming Procrastination, as well as Paul Hauck’s Overcoming the Rating Game and Howard Young’s A Rational Counseling Primer.
Keep going back to this REBT material to remind yourself of some of the main rational emotive behavior philosophies.
Georgiana, a thirty-four-year-old bookkeeper, came to REBT because she was intensely jealous and angry when her husband, David, kept staring at attractive young women whenever they went out together. He denied doing this, but she insisted that he did and was convinced (to her horror) that every time he had sex with her he was imagining some woman with enormous breasts (Georgiana had small ones) that he had been staring at that day.
She became so upset about this that she often stopped having intercourse with him just before the two of them were about to come to orgasm. This “drives me up the wall,” he said. And although he loved and liked her, he was just about ready to leave.
Georgiana saw me for several sessions of individual REBT and then joined one of my regular therapy groups for eight months. She realized that she was absolutistically demanding that David lust after only her and never even think of another woman. She also saw that even if he did at times stare at other women and think of them while having sex with her, that meant nothing about her own looks or sexiness. So she became only moderately jealous of David’s interest in other women.
A few months later, however, Georgiana again became extremely jealous and insecure. So, as a homework assignment that she worked out with her therapy group, she spent several weeks reviewing and working on some of the points listed in the previous chapter of this book:
