EASILY AMUSED
EASILY AMUSED
Karen McQuestion
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious.
Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
This title was self-published, in a slightly different form, in 2009.
Text copyright ©2010 Karen McQuestion
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
Published by AmazonEncore
P.O. Box 400818
Las Vegas, NV 89140
ISBN: 978-1-935597-26-1
For Charlie, who gave me the title and who is also easily amused
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A novel isn’t created in a vacuum (which is a good thing because it’s awfully dusty in there). This book, in particular, benefitted from the support and expertise of many people.
Every writer should be lucky enough to have an editor like Terry Goodman. Truly, he’s the best. And his e-mails make me laugh, which is no small thing.
Besides being a marketing genius, I appreciate Sarah Tomashek because she’s always gracious when I’m completely clueless. Thanks, Sarah!
My gratitude to everyone on the AmazonEncore team for their work on this book. Please know your efforts and talents are valued by me.
Copyeditor Jessica Smith saved me from myself and taught me a few things along the way. I appreciate her keen eye and willingness to explain the craft.
A shout-out to Betty Dorst, who shares funny stories about her life, one of which made it into my previous book, A Scattered Life. After blatantly using her anecdote for my own means, I forgot to mention it in the acknowledgements of the novel. What kind of friend does that, I ask you? Betty, please accept my belated thanks.
Zach Trecker, a big thank you for describing my son Charlie as “easily amused.” It’s very true, and I stole your phrase. So sue me.
I’d also like to acknowledge the following folks, many of them excellent writers, and all of them wonderful people: Vickie Coats, Kay Ehlers, Geri Erickson, Kimberly Einiger, Alice L. Kent, Judi Littlefield, Joyce McGee, and Judy Bridges and the members of her Tuesday Roundtable at Redbird Studios.
Special thanks to Felicity Librie, Jeannée Sacken, and Robert Vaughn. This group of talented writers read every word of this book in manuscript form and offered insightful feedback and critique.
And to my kids, Charlie, Maria, and Jack, you’ve made my life richer and fuller than I could have ever imagined. Hugs and smoochies!
And most of all, to Greg. I’m glad it was you.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
READING GROUP GUIDE
CHAPTER ONE
When I saw a group of my neighbors clustered on the sidewalk in front of Mrs. Cho’s house, I was sure they were talking about me.
It was a sunny spring evening, and I was heading out to meet my friend Piper at a local bar. After work, I’d changed out of my office garb and into a lacy tank top and short skirt, then slipped my feet into a new pair of strappy sandals. A quick look in the mirror to touch up my makeup and I was set.
Despite my efforts, it was a sure thing Piper would look better than me, no matter what she was wearing—ironic considering she’s the one who’s married with a baby, while I, on the other hand, am currently and constantly unattached. Not her fault, of course, but still annoying.
I’d pictured a brisk walk to burn a few calories and hoped I might even collect a few admiring glances on the way, which would have done my poor ego a bit of good. But springtime in Wisconsin doesn’t necessarily mean warm weather; thirty seconds out of the house I realized it was a little too chilly to be without a jacket, and my hair was getting windblown. Worse yet, I sensed I was about to get waylaid by the four neighbors halfway down the block.
As I approached the group, Crazy Myra, who’d been leaning forward to whisper something to Brother Jasper, straightened up abruptly, like she’d been caught snooping in someone’s medicine cabinet. The other two ladies—Belinda, the dog woman, and Mrs. Cho—took a sudden, suspicious interest in a lilac bush adjacent to where they stood.
My plan was to smile and nod, and then circle around them, but I was stopped by Mrs. Cho, who grasped the fabric of my top with her bony fingers. “Pretty,” she said. For such a tiny lady, she had one hell of a grip.
“Mighty fine,” Brother Jasper said. And then he added, “Lola, you look like springtime.”
Before I could say thanks and press onward, Crazy Myra got into the act. “Where are you headed to, missy, all dressed up?”
“I’m meeting a friend for dinner.” The part about dinner was a lie. We were really meeting for drinks, but I hated to say that because it sounded trashy. I suddenly wished I’d taken Piper up on her offer of a ride. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I’d told her. “It’s like three blocks. I’ll meet you there.” Now I shifted awkwardly and glanced down the street, hoping to spot Piper in her silver minivan so I’d have an excuse to break away from the group.
At the office I’m known for having a take-charge personality, but socially I’ve always been a little unsure of myself, and these neighbors put me on edge. They were a little too eager and a little too Stepfordish, always stopping by to offer me cookies or invite me to the latest neighborhood gathering, none of which I attended. If they noticed a candy wrapper on my front lawn, they stopped to pick it up. If I struggled with heavy grocery bags, they were right there to help. I’d lived in the house for four months and still wasn’t used to it. Growing up in the suburbs, we collected mail for vacationing neighbors or exchanged friendly waves as we drove past, but there was no door-knocking or favor-asking. Not that people in the burbs are standoffish. I don’t mean to imply that at all—they just respect boundaries.
“Meeting a friend for dinner,” Brother Jasper said. “How nice.” He was my favorite of the bunch, not too intrusive but still friendly, always with a ready smile, his perfect teeth blindingly white against his mahogany-colored skin. Still I steered clear of him, always fearful he’d try to get me to go to his church-of-the-folding-chairs with the Styrofoam-cup coffee social they held afterwards. “We were just talking about our annual block party,” he said. “I’m not sure if your aunt mentioned it? We raise money for the shelter.”
“She might have,” I said. I’d inherited the house from my great-aunt May, a
nd everyone on King Street assumed we’d been close. In truth, I hadn’t known her all that well; we’d crossed paths at family weddings and funerals, and that was about it. I was as surprised as anyone else when I found out I was her sole beneficiary. Not that I’d turn down a free house in a great location—just half an hour from downtown and blocks from the lake.
“It’s quite an event,” Belinda said, gesturing wildly. Without a leash or two to hold on to, her hands moved in spastic jerks, seemingly involuntarily. “We get bands to play and have carnival games, and there’s lots of food. It’s the high point of my summer.”
Somehow I didn’t doubt that. “How nice.”
“Last year best year ever,” Mrs. Cho said. “Two thousand dollars, we make. All the neighbors work together.”
They looked expectantly at me. I was sure they wanted me to volunteer to make balloon animals or do face painting, but I wasn’t biting. “When is it?” I asked, thinking that the date could exactly coincide with a trip out of town.
“See, that’s the thing,” Brother Jasper said. “We didn’t want to plan it until we’d talked to everyone and made sure they were available. We don’t like to leave anyone out.” He grinned again, the kind of smile God must give you when he welcomes you into heaven. A person would have a tough time resisting the warmth and goodness of that smile. “Especially,” he added, “since you’re new to our neighborhood family. We want to make sure to include you.”
He patted my arm, and I had to look down or I would have promised anything. I’d wind up running the block party, when in fact all I really wanted to do was extricate myself from the whole damn thing. “That’s really nice,” I said in the direction of my toes. “But I’m still waiting to hear about my vacation time from work. Can I get back to you?”
I peeked upwards and saw all four of them nodding.
“Just let us know as soon as you hear,” Belinda said.
“Once we know,” Mrs. Cho said, “then we plan.”
Apparently the very existence of the block party hinged on my availability.
Piper was already sitting at the bar of Tad’s Dry Dock when I arrived. With her white pants and navy blue halter top, she looked perfectly in keeping with the place’s nautical theme: bar built to resemble the hull of a ship, porthole windows, and fake seagulls hanging overhead. I, on the other hand, looked like I was trying too hard.
“Guess what, Lola?” she said by way of a greeting, “Those nice guys bought me a drink.” She pointed across the bar where three guys in their early twenties sat hunched over frosted mugs of beer.
Seeing her gesture, they raised their glasses as if to toast her. “Hey, Piper and Piper’s friend!” yelled the one in the middle.
Piper waved and then leaned toward me. “I told them I was married but that my friend was single. They seemed interested.”
I glanced sideways and sized them up. They had the unshaven, unshowered look of frat boys just coming off a bender. “Good God, Piper, they look like college students. I’m not that desperate.”
She shrugged and sipped her white wine. “Younger is good. Women outlive men, you know.”
I ordered a rum and Coke. When it was served, the curly-haired bartender flashed a grin in Piper’s direction and told me it was on the house. Since high school Piper had created waves wherever she went, and I followed in her wake. There were benefits, of course, free drinks and the like, but it wore on me sometimes.
I steered the conversation toward the problem of my neighbors. “I have no idea how I’m going to get out of this block party,” I said to Piper. “I just know I’m going to get sucked into hot dog duty or something. And that won’t be the end of it. Before you know it, I’ll be on the neighborhood watch committee.” I squeezed the lime into my drink and stirred it with the straw. “I thought when I got my own house I’d be able to have complete privacy, but these neighbors are unreal. I can’t even sit on my porch without someone stopping by to chat. I’m starting to wait until dark to take my garbage out, and they still nail me sometimes. All this socializing is sucking me dry.”
“Neighbors who like you,” Piper said. “You do have problems.”
“I know it sounds lame, but honestly, I feel suffocated. It’s like if you live there you’re automatically part of the King Street gang or something.”
“Just tell them you’re not interested in helping with the block party, but thanks anyway,” Piper said.
“Easier said than done.”
“Or you could always tell them you’re twenty-nine years old, antisocial, don’t have anything in common with them, and they should please leave you alone.”
“But I don’t want to be mean about it.” I shifted on my barstool. Everything came easily to Piper.
“Well, you have to tell them something,” she said. “Or you’re going to wind up like your aunt May.”
“Great-aunt May,” I corrected. “And don’t be talking trash about May. She was a fine lady and left me one fabulous house.” I wiped a pretend tear from my right eye. “I miss her so much.”
“Oh please, you hardly knew her.”
“And yet, in our own way, we were very close.”
“Did you ever figure out why she left the house to you?”
“Nope,” I said. “But I’m sure glad she did.”
“You don’t get creeped out living alone in that big old place?”
“No.” At least I hadn’t yet. Now that she mentioned it, I probably would.
The three college guys got up from their stools to join a table of girls in the corner. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to ward off any drink offers or attempts at small talk, but part of me wondered, Hey, why not me? What—I wasn’t good enough for a bunch of hygiene-deficient, beer-saturated lunkheads?
“So have you decided what to do about the house?” Piper asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I just wondered if you’re selling it, or what.” With both hands she gathered her hair up into a ponytail and then pulled an elastic band off her wrist, twisting the whole thing into an elegant looking messy bun. It’s a trick some women do effortlessly, but I’ve never been able to achieve the same effect without half a dozen tries and a mirror. Underneath the bar’s dim lights, Piper’s blond hair looked almost luminous.
“Why would I sell it?”
“I don’t know. I just thought you might. It’s kind of a lot of space for one person. And you hate the neighbors. You could probably sell it, buy a condo, and still have a huge lump sum to stash away in a retirement account.”
“I like my house,” I said. “I just moved in—I’m not moving out.” I’d spent my entire life sharing space with other people—first my parents and younger sister, then various roommates. Most recently I’d shared an apartment with a girl named Andrea who talked continuously. And I mean continuously. About nothing. We became friends while I was working at my second job out of college—an ad agency made up mostly of men, except for the two of us. Thrown together in a testosterone-infested office, we bonded immediately, but it didn’t last. When we first moved in together, I’d thought her obsession with Celtic music was her biggest shortcoming. Then I discovered that her poor taste in music was exceeded only by her relentless pursuit of casual sex. She rarely met a man she didn’t want to bonk, as she so quaintly put it. And none of her pick-ups had their own place, judging by the fact that they always came to our apartment to do it. By the time I’d inherited Aunt May’s house, we were barely speaking. At this point, I didn’t miss her or her Celtic music CDs.
By comparison, living in this house, my very own house, was nirvana: my yard, my space, my garage. Mine, mine, mine. No one around to comment when I ate egg rolls for breakfast or opted to spend a Saturday home alone in my pajamas. No one to take my last yogurt out of the fridge and leave a note promising to replace it. (She never did—not to be petty or anything.) I never could have afforded this house under normal circumstances. The day I found out Aunt May left it to me, I’d walked around as
dazed as those people who buy a lottery ticket for the first time and find out they won the million-dollar jackpot. Even better was the look on my sister Mindy’s face when she heard the news. “Why you?” she’d asked. To which I answered, “Why not me?” For once the family princess didn’t get first dibs on something. Mindy came out ahead in the good-looks and outgoing-personality department. Not to mention her engagement to her high school sweetheart, Chad. But I got complete ownership of a cool, old house in a great neighborhood. This was my score, my victory. The universe did have a plan after all. And now Piper was suggesting I sell it. Leave my house? My haven from the world? Never.
“I don’t think I’m a condo kind of person.” I shrugged.
“I don’t mean right away. I was talking about eventually. Mike has some great ideas for long-term investing. If you’re interested, you can give him a call. I’m sure he’d be happy to spell out your options.”
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