Mom leans into me and wraps her arms around me. She shushes me while she strokes my hair and murmurs unheard words into my ear. Her hand runs slow circuits up and down my back, soothing me like only a mother can. The occasional kiss to my crown as she squeezes me closer. The extra squeeze in her hug every once in a while.
“I’ve got you, sweetie. No matter what, I’ve got you.”
I sniffle between sobs. “Thanks, Mom. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too. And if you want to talk about it more, I’m here. Okay?”
I squeeze her tighter and nod into her neck. “Maybe another day. I just need a day without tears.”
When I told Mom I needed a day without tears, I didn’t mean today. I had already cried thousands of tears today and was okay shedding more.
But shortly after Mom left, Shelly called. As if the two of them were playing telephone tag and I was the name they passed back and forth. Shelly told me she was bringing Erin and Jonas over tonight. That we would watch movies and eat junk food and just hang out together.
The first thing I wanted to tell her was not to come over. That I wanted more alone time. Honestly, the only thing I want to do is sleep. Sleep for days or weeks or months. Sleep an eternity and erase all the bad memories. I just want everything that happened to fade away. Out of my mind. Out of my heart. Gavin. Layla. The whole thing. I want it all gone. Forgotten.
But there is no chance in hell Shelly will ever let that happen. She is determined to keep me from drowning. To keep my head above water as I gasp for breath. For life.
And that would be why my living room resembles something from our preteen years—blankets and pillows and snacks strewn across the floor. The television plays some movie from Netflix. To be honest, I have no clue what we are watching. Since the movie started, my eyes have been glazed over. My mind in a fog.
All four of us lay on the floor. Shelly on my left, Erin on her other side, and Jonas on my right. The only source of light spills from the screen. Occasionally, the room goes dark. I relish those scenes the most. The ones that give me a semblance of solitude. A breath of privacy.
Currently, Shelly’s fingers play with my hair as her eyes remain glued to the television. Erin is out of my line of sight, but I assume she’s focused on the movie. And although my eyes aren’t absorbing a single minute of the movie, I am fully aware that Jonas has been staring at me for the last five minutes.
And I don’t know how that makes me feel.
I glance over at him—to confirm—and catch him before he can look away. His eyes crinkle at the corners and his sadness for me weighs heavier than I can bear. When he turns back to the movie, he scoots down and lays flatter. And something inside me flips. Begs for his comfort.
Shelly and Erin bring me solace, but it isn’t the same. Women experience emotion different than men. They also console in other ways.
I roll onto my side and snuggle against Jonas’s frame. Without hesitation, he wraps his arm around me and draws me closer. His heat warming my cool skin. But the second he places a kiss on the crown of my head, I lose it. The flood gates open once again and I cry into his shirt. Soak the cotton. With each round of tears, he holds me tighter, strokes my hair softer, shushes my cries more, and I clench his shirt in my fists harder.
We lay like this for hours—me curled into his side and him cradling me. The first movie ends and a new movie starts right after. I have no idea what plays, nor do I care. I just want to lay here and cry my eyes out. Cry until I have no more tears. Cry until I pass out.
After my tears subside a while, I sit up and notice Erin and Shelly fell asleep at some point. I envy how peaceful they both look. And I pray to whatever power resides over me, please let me sleep tonight. I need a deep, dreamless sleep. Just one solid night.
Jonas sits up and tenderly tucks my hair behind my ears. I don’t doubt I look a hot mess right now. Hair a rat’s nest. Pajamas still on from earlier when Mom was here. Eyes puffy and bloodshot. Lips cracked. But the way Jonas stares at me right now, I feel the exact opposite. His swirly blue-hazels are gentle as he searches my face.
“You want to go lay down? Maybe try to get some sleep? I’ll tuck you in.”
God, I hate myself and the fact I was never able to be anything but friends with Jonas. He is such a good man. A family man. Is someone I depend on. Someone I trust. Someone I care about. He likes me on a much deeper level than friendship. In the back of my mind, I think I have always been privy to this. I just shoved it away. Smothered it. Because my stupid brain has never been able to let go of Gavin.
But after everything that has happened, maybe I should let myself try again. Let myself find love with someone else. Someone who won’t abandon me. Someone who will do anything for me.
“Yeah, okay,” I say.
Jonas stands and extends his hand out to me. I take it and rise from the floor. He walks me toward my bedroom with his arm around my shoulders. A sudden nervousness hits me when we walk into my bedroom. It’s like nothing I have experienced with Jonas. Like a hurricane swirls beneath my ribcage.
I slip under my covers and he slides them up to my chin before sitting beside me on the bed. He gazes at me with an expression very un-Jonas. His forehead bunches and straightens and bunches again. When he reaches forward and brushes his knuckles across my cheek, the gentle touch trips a live wire inside me. I lean into his touch and close my eyes momentarily. The pent-up emotions I have ignored with Jonas detonate with ferocity.
I study his blue-rimmed hazels as they hone in on my lips. His eyes perplexed and loaded with indecision. Then his tongue darts out and wets his lips. Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. But after a second, I catch a slight shake of his head. The indiscernible gesture probably wasn’t meant to be seen, but I am the body language detector and pick up on the smallest of signals.
“How are you?” Jonas asks, voice soft and endearing. And something tells me that wasn’t what he wanted to say. But I shove the thought aside.
When most people ask me this question, I tell them I am fine. That everything is okay, although I silently scream in my head. Although I am slowly shattering inside. But there are a select few people I am straightforward with, Jonas being one of them. Shelly, Erin, and my mom being the others. I talk with Dad, but we discuss different stuff—less of the emotional, more of the rest.
“I don’t know. Feels like I’m falling apart. Like someone took a chisel and hammer to my heart and started chipping it away all over again. It took so long to somewhat heal from the first time. Jonas, I don’t think I’ll survive this time.” As the final words slip from my lips, tears roll down the sides of my face and spill to the pillow.
Jonas scoots closer, gently plants his hands on either side of my face, and leans over me. He hovers there a moment, inches from my face. From my lips. “You will get through this, Cora. I won’t let it be any other way.” He lifts one hand from the bed, brushes my hair from my face, and wipes away my tears. His calloused fingers so tender on my temples. “This time will not be the same,” he says, huskily.
“How can you be so sure?” I ask, needing some form of reassurance.
“Because you have me and Shelly and Erin and so many others. We’re all here for you. On your team. And no matter what happens, we’ll be here for you.”
I nod, not knowing how else to respond. But the truth in his words erases some of the chill in my bones.
“Try to get some sleep. If you need me, I’ll be on the couch. And we’ll all be here when you wake up in the morning.”
Jonas leans in and I hold my breath as he presses his lips to my forehead. His lips are soft and warm. I close my eyes and allow myself to feel something other than sadness for a brief moment in time. To envision what life could be like if I gave Jonas a chance. If I set my heart free from the cage it has been in for far too long. Because life with Jonas would be good. Filled with smiles and laughter and warmth and love. I don’t have to experience it to know it.
When he slow
ly lifts his lips from my skin, I shift below him and move my lips closer to his. And for a split second, our lips touch. The air crackles and steals my breath. But as quickly as our lips make contact, he breaks away.
“No, Cora.” He rears back and scoots farther away from me, his eyes closed and head shaking.
Rejection hits me with incomparable force. Tears sting the backs of my eyes as I press a hand to my lips.
He doesn’t want me? How could I be so stupid? What the hell was I thinking?
“I’m sorry. I just thought…” I stumble over my own words as I fight crying in front of him.
When he opens his eyes, glassy hazels stare back at me. “Please don’t apologize. Believe me, I have wanted this—us—for so long. But after seeing you around Gavin this past week, it’s quite clear where your heart lies. He hurt you, but you wouldn’t be this devastated if you didn’t still love him.”
“I don’t love—”
Jonas holds up his hand to stop me. “You’re upset right now, and I understand why you’re saying that. But you can’t run from the truth, Cora. And as much as I care about you, I don’t want to be the runner-up. For a long time, I thought I had a chance. But after seeing you two together, and seeing how devastated you are right now… you never fell out of love with him. And that’s okay. If us just being friends is the only way I get to have you in my life, so be it. At least I get to have you.”
Jonas said he cares about me. That he would be with me, if I could give him my whole heart. Although he didn’t outright say he loves me, part of me deep down knows he does. But our love isn’t the type to stop time. The type that consumes every breath and thought and cell. And that’s okay. Because at least I still have him. Even if it isn’t the way he wants. And that speaks volumes to the type of man he is.
I nod. “Okay. Thank you.”
His brow knits in the middle as he tilts his head. “Why are you thanking me?”
“Because I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Lucky I met you. Our friendship is like none I’ve had.” I swallow past the emotional lump in my throat and blink back tears. “I wouldn’t get through this without you. Wouldn’t make it out of this whole without you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always.”
“I know.” He leans forward and kisses my cheek, his lips lingering a little longer than friendship warrants before he sits back up. “Ditto. Try to get some sleep. And in the morning, we’ll all go out to breakfast.”
And before I respond, Jonas gets up and walks out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him. I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like Jonas in my life, but I am indebted to whatever power brought us together. Maybe the universe knew I needed someone as tenderhearted as Jonas to help heal my heart. Not completely, but enough to live in the world.
I roll over and hug the other pillow to my chest, catching Gavin’s scent. I inhale deeply and, for the first time in twenty-four hours, allow myself to purposely think about Gavin. Flutters echo in the chambers of my heart and I hug the pillow tighter. I imagine my arms wrapped around him as his scent fills each alveolus in my lungs.
Within minutes, my eyes grow heavy and drift shut as I dream about beaches and sunsets and giant evergreen trees.
Six
Cora
Thirteen years ago
Summer was once my favorite time of year. Now it officially sucks.
It has been two weeks since Gavin left and all I feel is hollow. A mere shell of the girl I was weeks ago.
Talking with him on the phone every day relieves some of the anguish in my heart. But it never fully dissipates. The strangest part of it all… Before Gavin, I was this loner girl. Someone who never cared for the company of others—with the exception of Shelly. Before Gavin, it had never been challenging to sit beneath a tree by myself and get lost in a book. To hang out in my room alone and listen to music. To walk in the park and listen to the leaves rustle and the birds chirp.
Now, I don’t want to even imagine sitting beneath our tree when school starts again. It is bad enough Gavin won’t be there, but I also don’t have Shelly to hang with since she goes to another school. Listening to music hasn’t been the same and I have no desire to step foot outside unless absolutely necessary.
I reach for my sketch pad and pencils and drag them closer. For the next two hours, I get lost in art. At least with art, I create whatever I feel. Art doesn’t have to be rainbows or cheeriness or the sunny side of life. It can be anything at any given time. Emotion spilled on paper or canvas and up for interpretation.
When I finish, I dust off the page and take in my drawing. The graphite dons the page in sharp lines and subtle smudges. The scent of pencil shavings pricks my nose. A layer of shiny carbon coats the edges of my palms and several fingertips.
On the page, I drew a beach sunset with a silhouette couple walking hand in hand by the water. In the bottom right corner, I scribble the signature I add to all my art pieces. Before I fold it into thirds, a tear slips from my eye and lands on the page.
I don’t wipe it away. I let it stay and bleed through the paper, knowing Gavin will see it when I mail it to him.
On a piece of notebook paper, I start writing a letter to Gavin. Although we talk on the phone regularly, there is something different about sending him drawings or pictures and letters. Like I am sending a physical piece of myself to him. Something for him to hold in his hands when he can’t hold me. Something he can look at in the future when he needs me with him. A form of solace in our time apart.
Gavin,
I miss you so much. Sunsets aren’t the same without you by my side.
And I’m so tired of everyone asking me if I’m okay. Why would they think I’m okay? My boyfriend, the love of my life, just got shipped off to California. I mean… would they be alright if it happened to them?
I seriously doubt it.
Have you gotten your room situated yet? I know it’ll never be like your room here, but maybe you can make it as close as possible.
Thanks for sending me the picture of the California sunset. It’s definitely a different view than anywhere here. I hope we can share the sunsets there together sometime. More to add to our memories.
Have I mentioned how Shelly has been following me around all summer like a lost puppy? It’s annoying as fuck.
I know she means well, but is it wrong for me to not want to be around anyone else right now?
Whatever. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. All I know is this sucks.
It’s like I’m hyperventilating all the time. I’m never able to catch my breath. And it’s like my heart is literally missing. If I thumped on my chest, I wouldn’t be surprised if it sounded like tapping on a watermelon.
Anyway. The point of these letters isn’t to depress you. You miss me as much as I miss you. I just wish I could hug you. You give the best hugs. Did I ever tell you that? No other hug on earth compares to yours. It’s warmth and peace and home all wrapped up in the perfect package.
Fuck! I’m crying again. I am sick and tired of crying. My eyes hurt. They’re always red and puffy and I have to hide them behind big sunglasses everywhere I go.
This really fucking sucks!
I really hope you’re able to come home sometime during the summer. Even if it’s just for a long weekend. I’m not picky and will take whatever I get.
Okay, I’ll wrap this up. In a few hours, you’ll call me and we’ll talk until we’re forced to hang up. But I never want to hang up. Ever.
I love you so much!
Cora
I trifold the letter and stuff it in an envelope, along with the drawing. After I address it, I ask Mom for a stamp and then walk it out to the mailbox. I place it in the mailbox like it’s my most prized possession. And for good measure, I press my palm over the envelope and send a piece of myself with the envelope to Gavin.
When I walk back inside, Mom tries to lure me into the kitchen. “Want to make cookies with me?”
Do I look l
ike I’m five and I want to lick the dough from the mixer blades? But I don’t say that because I know she is only trying to lift my spirits. She has been trying since Gavin told me they were moving. And more so since the day his parents put him on the plane. I am grateful to have her as my mom, but her love will never be the same as what I give and receive from Gavin.
She means well, and I love her greatly for that, but I just don’t see how making cookies will make up for losing someone.
“No thanks, Mom.”
I walk back to my bedroom, lay on my bed and curl into a fetal position. I hug my phone to my chest and close my eyes. It won’t be long before Gavin calls, but until then I just want to sleep. Sleep away all the minutes and hours and days between when I get to talk with him again. Sleep away every tick of the clock until I get to see him again. And hopefully that day arrives soon.
Seven
Gavin
Present
Is this what dying feels like?
All the years spent apart from Cora and I never felt as horrible as I do now. Did I miss her every goddamn day? Hell yes, I did. Seconds felt like years and years felt like centuries. Did I want to kick myself in the balls for the choices I made? More often than not. Do I regret my idiocy? More than ever.
But the past cannot be changed. It is what it is. No use dwelling on what has come to pass. The future… now that is something I have more control over. Or at least I hope I do.
My stomach churns as I picture her on the ground crying. I stop breathing. Clutch my chest because it feels like I am having a fucking heart attack. Fear rips through me and shreds my insides. And I let the feeling consume me. Let it slither through my veins and take me over. Let the pain settle in my bones. Because seeing Cora in that state was like having someone throw mace-coated sand in your eyes. And I deserve to suffer for not sharing everything with her.
Time Exposure (Click Duet #2) (Bay Area Duet Series) Page 5
