by Daria Defore
"Great, we can do it every fucking day as long as you let me come."
"Mhm. You will." Jiyoon sat up again, resisting when Danny tried to keep him there with his legs. "Let me do my job, dammit," he laughed, and grabbed a condom off the bedside table, only to throw it at Danny's chest. "Open that."
He somehow managed to keep fucking Danny with his fingers while he watched him carefully rip the package open. Danny's hands were shaking, and when the pads of Jiyoon's fingers dragged over his prostate, he nearly crushed the condom in his clenched fist. His hips rocked instinctively into Jiyoon's hand, seeking more pressure. He tossed the unwrapped condom back to Jiyoon.
"Please tell me that's gonna be in me in, like, under a minute."
"I don't know, Danny, I'm just not sure how much you want it." Jiyoon twisted his hand so the pad of his thumb could rub gently at his taint. Danny moaned and fisted his own cock and he could come just from this, he could, there was pressure building in his groin and he couldn't even keep his eyes open—
Then Jiyoon's fingers left him empty, and he cried out in frustration. Gently, Jiyoon pulled his hand off his cock and twined their fingers together.
"Hold on. I've got you." He dropped Danny's hand on the mattress and quickly pulled the condom over the vibrator, then slicked it with lube. When he pressed the head of it to Danny's ass, it slid home with barely an effort, and Jiyoon actually gasped. "Oh my God."
"Fuck me. For the love of God, fuck me."
There was the plastic click of a button and suddenly Danny was shuddering and shaking with it, pressing his hips to the mattress and trying to get the right angle on the vibrator. Jiyoon had him covered; Danny could feel Jiyoon's hand against his ass as he gripped the vibrator to fuck him with it, and damn was he good at it. The curved head kept hitting him just so, and just when Danny was about to reach for his cock again, Jiyoon's other hand was already there.
The vibrator felt big inside him, and each pulse of it shot up his spine in a ceaseless rhythm. And with every deliberate push into him, Danny thought about Jiyoon fucking himself and how many times he must have done this. How many times he fucked himself in this bed and wished it had been Danny there with him.
The teasing, incessant rhythm built to an impossible crescendo, and Danny couldn't keep from clenching around the vibrator, writhing to bring it deeper inside him.
He came with a broken moan, and Jiyoon lazily circled the vibrator until Danny squirmed. Then he pulled it out slowly, not switching it off until it was well clear of his ass. Danny lay there with the certainty that this was it—he was never going to be able to stand again.
Jiyoon set the vibrator on the floor and laid his hands on Danny's thighs. "So…"
Whatever noise came out of Danny, it sure as hell wasn't articulate, or even words. Jiyoon laughed and lifted Danny's leg off his lap so he could crawl into bed next to him. Danny was dimly aware that his shoulder was being used as a pillow, but mostly he was hyperaware of everywhere else their bodies were pressed together now, and the gentle weight of Jiyoon's hand on his chest.
"Good at that," he managed.
"You can be good at anything if you practice." Jiyoon kissed and then sucked gently at his neck, before letting out a happy sigh and settling back down. "You feel all right?"
"Dead."
"Sorry to hear that." Jiyoon's hand drifted south to rest on his stomach, and Danny covered it with his own. "When you're coherent again, I'd like it if we could have that talk about boundaries."
"Right." Danny came back to himself with a jerk. "I don't think anyone's asked me to talk about it like that before."
"Is that something that makes you uncomfortable?"
Danny tried to gauge how much of his nervousness was genuine, and how much was worry that he was being set up to fail some romantic test that he didn't know the answers to.
"Kinda?" He took a deep breath. "I don't wanna say the wrong thing."
"Because you think you're going to hurt my feelings?"
"Yeah…"
Jiyoon huffed and rolled onto his back. "Back… well, a while ago I did some research. Not academic research, I was just Googling things. 'Can you date an aromantic person'. And then 'How to date an aromantic person'. That's when I realized that I needed to be asking what you wanted, and not what any number of people want. But it seemed unfair to put you on the spot." Jiyoon's voice shrunk with embarrassment. "So I did some self-reflection. And I made a spreadsheet of the things I consider integral to a relationship, and the things that don't matter to me."
"Holy shit."
"I know. I went overboard." Jiyoon sighed. "In any case, I found that for me, the important things were mutual respect…" He started ticking them off on his fingers, "Compatible goals, and… and kindness." He dropped his hands. "I think that, minus number two, those are qualities we've had for a while now. And if I were in a relationship defined by those things, rather than any other… romantic impulse, I could be happy."
"I… yeah." Danny's voice was scratchy, and he felt like he was in freefall, but he knew the landing wouldn't kill him. He hated putting voice to things like this, but Jiyoon just had and the things he listed weren't scary or impossible. It was the same way Danny felt about him. "I guess for me it'd be… we're friends. I want to be friends first no matter what. And I want to know if I'm doing something that hurts you. The other stuff you said was also good."
"Mhm. And what are some things that would make you upset? Don't feel like you have to be thorough. I'd just like something to start with."
"Okay, well… I don't mind being public. And I want to be actually, I mean, once you're not my TA." Danny winced, but Jiyoon just laughed. "I like being honest about who I am and shit."
"So far, so good."
"Right. But then I don't want people to get the wrong idea that it's a romantic thing—and that's gonna suck for you, I know it's gonna suck, because people are always shitty about it."
"I can handle shitty people."
"I want to go out with you and stuff, but I'm not really into the whole… performance thing? Like getting all fancy and spending lots of money as a date. Or even just the flowers and candles thing… I don't get that. I'd rather just hang out."
"So you don't like material displays of affection?"
"I guess that's a way of putting it."
Jiyoon leaned up on one arm. "What if, for example, I was going on a trip, and I wanted to travel with you."
Danny thought about it. "That would be different. I wanna go places with you."
"Okay. That makes sense."
"I'm serious about people being shitty to you." Danny swallowed, and cleared his throat. "They're gonna ask why the hell you're with me when you could be with anyone else."
"And I will tell them it's none of their fucking business. And maybe if they found a greasy hipster who gave the best oral they'd ever had, they wouldn't be so stuck-up about it." Jiyoon bent down and kissed him on the mouth. "So. Speaking of oral."
Danny laughed and grabbed him around the waist. "Get up here."
*~*~*
"Pencils down. Turn your tests in at the front of the room, please."
Danny finished jotting down his response and nearly shoved his accounting final over the desk in his haste to be done with it. Instead, he gathered up all his crap and marched the sheaf of papers to the front of the room, where Jiyoon was waiting to take tests. They shared a nod and a smile as Danny put his test on top of the stack, and Jiyoon craned his neck to look at it. He made a soft humming noise.
"What does that mean?"
"I'll see you later, Mr. Kim."
"Right…"
As soon as the testing room door shut behind him, it all hit Danny like a train. He was done. Done, done. That afternoon could be spent doing literally anything he wanted.
So he got on the bus and headed straight for the studio.
He had barely touched his music since the concert, and his brain was buzzing with pent-up ideas. All that shit he ha
d learned could be jettisoned forever.
That week had been spent mostly in Jiyoon's apartment, trying to cram his head full of knowledge and avoiding a series of meltdowns.
Any promises of not spending time together outside of studying had fallen out the window once they had started sleeping together, and that had been just fine with Danny.
He stayed in the studio till midnight. A lot of it was spent dicking around: trying to pick his way through some famous guitar solos, messing with the effects on the recording equipment, letting out pent-up energy on the drum set. He laid down a few vocal tracks just for fun, and at one point Lei joined him to jam out before heading back home.
Jiyoon showed up with bags of Thai takeout for dinner, and they sat on the floor eating until Danny felt like he was going to explode or go into a food coma.
"I have to go," Jiyoon groaned. He was leaning back on his hands, and looked about ready to go to sleep. The last few days hadn't been kind to either of them, but Danny was still high off of the scent of freedom. Jiyoon still had another day of finals to go.
"Haven't you studied enough?"
Jiyoon laughed out loud. "Maybe when I'm dead." He checked his watch and then leaned in to give Danny a kiss. It might have been meant as a quick goodbye kiss, but one thing led to another and then Jiyoon was kissing him so deeply Danny forgot his own name. Finally he gave him a little nip on his lower lip. "I really do have to go."
"Yeah, yeah. Good luck with the thing."
Jiyoon picked up the takeout bags. "Tomorrow," he threatened. "You and I are celebrating."
*~*~*
"Celebrating" turned out to mean meeting in Jiyoon's apartment with the honest intention of going out, only to fall asleep by ten p.m.
The next day, "celebrating" meant loafing around in bed in varying states of undress.
After a week of winter break, Danny was sure things were damn near perfect. He even snuck in some honest-to-goodness gift shopping (thanks to daily reminders from Sam) and didn't go back to Lynnwood empty-handed for Christmas.
Considering how cool his parents had been about the prodigal rock-and-roll son thing, it was really the least he could do.
"I still feel kindly weirdly guilty every time I go home, you know?" He told Sam as they rode the bus up to Lynnwood together. "Just for like five minutes, and then I'm like, what the fuck am I doing?"
"It's not totally ridiculous. They might be supportive, but we still don't have a lot to show for it."
"Are you kidding? We have a ton to show for it. Look at us last year compared to now."
Sam prickled. "I'm not saying we haven't done anything. It's just not enough."
"Not yet." Danny jiggled his knee restlessly. He had been able to scrape up enough to get a nice bracelet for his lawyer mom and a set of mixing bowls for his cooking hobbyist dad. But even saying that was a little disingenuous, since they were still contributing money for the apartment, and those little necessities like food, when Danny's loans fell short.
He knew he was home as soon as he was holed up in the kitchen with both his parents foisting food on him. To his relief they asked him about the concert and the band first, giving him a chance to gush before his dad got around to gruffly asking, "And how is school?"
Danny made sure his mouth was full while he thought about it. "Uh, fine. No, it's shi—bad. Not great."
They listened while he explained the how and the why of that quarter being rough, and then the dreaded question came:
"What are you taking in January?"
Danny could barely remember, and he certainly didn't care. It was all a black hole in his mind, until summer, when his life would open up again.
He traipsed up to his old bedroom after dinner, peering out the window as he went up the stairs to glimpse Sam's house across the street.
Back in his childhood room, worn posters were still stuck to the walls with rolled-up tape, and a massive CD collection spread across shelves, dressers, and his nightstand. Danny flopped down on his twin bed and texted Jiyoon a picture of the mess.
Gross, came the reply a few minutes later. Are you still a teenager?
What does your room look like? Danny texted back. A picture of a sparse, neat bedroom popped up on his phone. He laughed, and was glad Jiyoon wasn't there to smack him.
He put the phone down and flipped through a few of the CDs, reading song names and looking at the jacket photos. Every album reminded him of a day, a person, or a feeling. A few yawns later, he put them back in the pile on the night stand, rolled over, and went to sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
It seemed like Danny blinked his eyes, and winter break was nearly over. He had spent Christmas with his family, glutting himself on home-cooked meals and talking up his plans for the next year.
He had squeaked through Fall Quarter all right, getting a solid 2.9 in accounting. Jiyoon broke the news to him before it went up on the website, and Danny had actually almost cried with relief.
"I told you you weren't going to fail," Jiyoon had murmured in his ear before kissing it.
"Rub it in why don't you?"
"Mhm. I knew you could do it."
Danny still wasn't convinced he had done it. And anyway, had it even been worth it? Sure, he was one step closer to graduating, but all those hours of suffering had left him with nothing but a head full of formulas he had spent the last three weeks forgetting.
And a cute boyfriend who was a good kisser and gave him space when he wanted it.
He wondered what would happen when classes started again. Maybe this time it would be easier.
Still, compulsion drove him to the studio at all times of day. With Jiyoon still visiting his parents for Christmas, Danny didn't have any other place he'd rather spend the night.
There was a knock on the studio door, and Danny looked up to see Erika in the doorway. Her dark, curly hair was up in a tie and she was holding two Styrofoam cups.
"Hey, boss. You're here late."
She smiled wryly at the nickname. "I saw the light on. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yeah, totally. Come on in." He took the coffee and Erika sat down on an amp across from him. She was wearing casual, comfy clothes for a late night at the office.
"Are you writing?"
"Yeah, just jotting some shit down. Some stuff down," he corrected himself, patting the notebook on his lap. "I don't know if it's any good, but—" He shrugged.
She didn't blink at the language. "Do you not work well at home?"
"I do, but if I want to play anything, I have to do it here 'cause of the noise regulations. I just wanted to get this done while I can."
"What do you mean?" She crossed her legs, not taking her eyes off him. He felt like a shrinking violet in front of her.
"It's just with school starting next week… I don't know. I have this feeling like I have to do this now, or else I won't have time. Or it just won't be good, because I'll be so busy. But I like busy," he hastened to add. "Busy is good."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"Yeah, totally."
"It's time for you to consider applying yourself to this seriously. If this is what you want to do."
Danny's heart sank. "What do you mean?"
"Speaking as your manager, I would like you to weigh how important school is to you right now. After the last concert, there's been a buzz around The Trouble. It's all good news, but what I'm hearing from you now makes me concerned. Does that make sense?"
"Because I'm… too busy?"
"You have an excellent work ethic, and your focus is impressive. But if burning out and overworking yourself is something you feel is possible, I want you to refocus."
"On the band."
"On whatever is more important to you right now."
"So, the band," Danny said, a little more forcefully. "I'm serious about this."
Erika nodded. "I've got a lot on my plate right now. I'm booking slots at summer concerts, and planning out the spring and summer tours. When I think
about the bands that would do well on the road, The Trouble is on the top of my list. But if I don't have clarity about what your plans are, I can't make any moves on your behalf. Do you understand?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense."
"I know this is a lot to drop on you at once."
"It's not. Really. Thanks for telling me straight up." Danny's heart was pounding.
"You can take a few days to think about this."
"I don't need to. Seriously, I can call the school tomorrow." Danny shrugged, feeling the movement in slow motion. The familiar studio suddenly felt very far away, like he was looking down on it from a precipice. And he realized he was going to jump. "I'll drop out. It's not a big deal. This is what's important to me."
"Let me know what you decide," Erika said. "You can call me anytime."
She stood to leave, and Danny wished her a good night. After she was gone he remembered the cup of coffee, now cold in his hands.
All night he paced the studio, stomach in knots, thinking about making that call.
But when he considered about the next six months of his life and with it no school, the world seemed to open up. The pressure of grades and papers and classes would diminish into nothing.
He could write. He could learn a new instrument. Hell, he could get better at playing guitar. And if he decided to stay in the studio till two in the morning, he wouldn't be fucking himself over for the next day.
A knot that he hadn't known he had dissolved in his stomach.
*~*~*
As it turned out, dropping out was as easy as pressing a button on the UW website. He got a concerned email from the registrar asking him to contact a counselor, which he ignored in favor of meeting up with Jiyoon for Thai food on the Ave.
Jiyoon breezed into the restaurant looking bookish and competent, messenger bag full of books slung over his shoulder. It clunked when he set it down. Jiyoon gave him a sharp smile.
"Pre-quarter reading."
"That's, like, twenty pounds."
"Oh, more than that." Jiyoon started unwinding his huge winter scarf and shrugged off the puffy down coat that enveloped his small shoulders. "You look like finals week came early."
