I don’t know what made her say it. Maybe it was her parents dying when she was so young. Maybe it was that she saw a glimpse into our future, but I simply pulled her closer, kissed her softly, and promised I’d always be in her heart.
Time is irrelevant now. I only measure time when I’m with Jess and Charlotte again, and only then do I remember I’m dead. It’s still not a sad feeling, merely a fact, and I know that in time Jess and Charlotte will be here with me too. I’m now with Jess and Charlotte, at home, as they sit on the couch eating popcorn and watching something on television, laughing together and commenting on the action going on before them. I’m startled by how much older Charlotte looks sitting there with her long blonde hair, unruly like her mother’s, hanging over her shoulders. It seems just like yesterday when the three of us were sitting in that very spot watching Brave for the millionth time. My heart settles realizing that it at least looks like another Disney hit with some ice princess that has the two of them captivated. I smile to myself, knowing how much Jess is a child a heart and is probably enjoying the movie more than our daughter. When she found out we were having a girl, she squealed with delight predicting all of the girly things they’d do together, and seeing her smile a real smile for the first time in a while, gives me hope my time to move on is drawing closer.
When the movie ends Charlotte turns off the television, looking a little nervous. “Is Gage coming over for dinner tonight?”
Jess lovingly brushes Charlotte’s hair out of her face. “He’ll be here right when he can. Don’t worry, he didn’t forget his promise. He’s bringing black and whites from Freedman’s for dessert.”
Charlotte’s face lightens up and I can see the youth that is still there. “Awesome! He’s the best!” Charlotte looks down at the blanket and starts playing with my St. Michael pendant, avoiding Jess’s gaze. “I like Gage a lot, Mom. Do you?” The cute way she stammers makes Jess smile and pull her onto her lap.
“I do like him, Charlotte. I like him, a lot,” she says with a smile.
“He likes you a lot too, Mommy. I can tell.” She smiles shyly up at Jess through her long lashes.
Jess laughs and taps her nose. “You can, can you?” She gets that sad smile again and I need to know why.
“Do you think Daddy likes him too?” her question shocks me, and by the way Jess’s eyes pool with tears, I can tell it was an unexpected question for her too.
Jess looks over to the mantle where she still has our wedding picture prominently displayed, surrounded by the collection of heart shaped rocks I’d given her over the years and smiles again. “Well Daddy and Gage knew each other, and liked each other then, and I would hope that he likes anyone we like too.”
Charlotte hugs Jess. “I miss him, Mommy.”
Jess is still looking at the picture when a tear escapes. “I do too. I do too.”
A knock at the door brings the girls out of their grief, and Charlotte runs to the door. The minute it opens, she’s leaping into Gage’s arms. He fumbles the telling white box with blue writing, but manages to keep it steady before kissing Charlotte’s cheek, making her blush. When Gage looks to Jess, they both soften and calm in each other’s presence, and it’s as if before they were together, they were just surviving, but when reunited, they can actually live.
“My cell is dead, so I thought I’d surprise you and come early. Did I miss Frozen?” he puts Charlotte down and strides over to Jess who has not broken her conflicted gaze from him, and kisses her. But it isn’t your average “hey there” kiss. It’s filled with so much emotion and need, that even I can feel it.
“We can watch it again while Mommy finishes dinner,” Charlotte says pulling at Gage’s sweater.
He looks down at Charlotte. “Sounds like a date,” he says and winks at Jess.
“Step off my man, little girl,” Jess says playfully.
When Gage snuggles in next to Charlotte, I allow myself to imagine it’s me, sitting there, nestled together with my daughter, but feel a wave of peace wash over me knowing they have someone like Gage there to love them and keep them safe. And since it can’t be me, I need it to be him.
Jess
Gage is putting Charlotte to bed while I finish the last of the dishes when I hear his phone vibrate on the counter next to me. I don’t know why, but I pick it up to see a text that makes my stomach feel as if it’s hit the floor below.
Congrats Man! You always wanted to be #1 and now you are. #OHIO
I don’t need to read any more of the texts that begin coming in like a freight train crushing my heart. I feel sick, sick because I know he’ll give everything up to be with me. The past few months since he learned of the opportunity, he’s done nothing but prove it to me. But I can’t let him give up so much for us. It’s not being some crazy chick who can’t accept love, or too messed up from Dave’s death to love again, because I do love Gage, I love him more than I want to admit. But I’ve seen what can happen when someone’s dreams are taken away, and the resentment that can destroy everything.
I close my eyes, and remember what I promised myself I would do if he got the job. I guess I’ve always known this day would come, he was too big to be kept in this small shore town, and too talented to be kept to myself. He’s saved countless lives with his gutsy decisions and ability to overcome almost every obstacle he is faced with. But then his handsome, adoring face comes in view as he walks down the hallway to the kitchen wearing loose fitting sweats and a white t-shirt that frames his physic perfectly, with that sexy-as-hell tattoo on full display, and I melt.
He walks directly up to me and takes my face in his hands, kissing me so solidly, that I almost peak right then and there. It’s as if he is pouring his entire soul into mine with just this kiss, and I can think of nothing but the seductive dance his tongue makes with mine. My heart breaks thinking of what I have to do, but I’m doing this for him. He can never be truly happy without being given the chance to realize all his dreams, and I’ll only hold him back from them.
When he lifts me up and sets me on the counter, I wrap my legs instinctively around his waist and my body takes over, and pushes away the thoughts that will make me stop. I want to connect with him so badly right now, to bask in the glow of happiness he brings to me if only for tonight. So I reach down and lift his shirt over his head just as he does the same to mine and lets out a deep groan when our skin touches.
“I need you, Jess. I need to feel you, all of you.” He grips his hands onto me and carries me back to the guest room and locks the door behind us, all the while kissing me with such intense passion, that I wonder if he already knows what I have to do.
When he lays me down on the bed, he pauses and looks down at me with fiery blue eyes. “I love you so fucking much, Jessica.” He easily slips off my yoga pants and underwear in one swift movement assessing me with a predatory stare that I almost dissolve into the bed with lust. “Don’t ever leave me.” He slides the rest of his clothes off letting me take in all of his perfect curves and muscles. He’s like a dream.
I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck knowing I can’t make that promise, and kiss him deeply trying to memorize the way his lips feel against mine, because I’m sure I’ll never find a love like this again. “I love you,” I breath out as he slides inside me, and captures my mouth again, moving his mouth to match the pace of our bodies, and touches me with such need that I think he knows what’s looming ahead.
When he pulls back and slows his pace directing my gaze up to his, I’m overcome with ecstasy, because no one has ever looked at me that way before. His eyes are full of so much passion, so much love, that there’s no mistaking how he feels. “You are my everything, Jess.” He kisses my neck as he moves painfully slowly out making me grasp at him frantically. He smiles at me wickedly and I shudder with excitement. “You’re mine.” He thrusts into me and my head falls back in ecstasy, but he lifts it, holding it steady so I have no choice but to meet his intense gaze as he pulls out slowly again. “You’re m
y rainbow and butterflies.” He thrusts back into me again making us both smile at the phrase I always use when I trying to cheer someone up. He kisses me deeply again moving slowly around inside me, driving me to the brink, before slowly pulling back once more. “You are my motherfucking fairy tale.”
With those words we both fall over the edge together, making love as if it’s for the very first time. All the while, one thought prickles my pleasure. I’m your broken fairy tale.
Gage had woken before me and was gone when I walk downstairs to see Charlotte sitting on the couch reading. She looks up at me with a bright smile. “Good morning, Mom. What time are Grams and Gramps coming? I’m so excited to go to Hersey Park this weekend!”
I’m relieved that Charlotte won’t be here this evening and will be on one of her monthly sleepovers with the Bosis. I won’t have to hide my sadness from her. I’ve been subtly preparing her for Gage moving away, and am beginning to worry how this will affect her when she starts to jump up and down when Gage walks through the door carrying another treat from Freedman’s bakery.
“What are you doing here so early? Please tell me there’s crumb cake in there,” she squeals as she takes the box from him and kisses his cheek thankfully, unaware of the fact that he slept here last night. When I see the loving way he looks at her, I begin to have second thoughts wondering if I’m just being ridiculous. But then I think back to the many relationships I’ve watched dissolve because of this very thing, and I can’t let that happen to us. At least this way, maybe she and Gage can still have a relationship.
“I thought maybe you’d want a special treat before heading off on your big weekend away,” he says patting her head and walking over to me. He leans over and kisses my ear, and whispers, “And I couldn’t wait another second to be with you.”
I lean into his kiss and wrap my hands around his firm muscular arm, having second thoughts when his eyes meet mine. “Is there something in there for me too?” I ask playfully.
“I have something much better in store for you.” His voice is deep and leaves no question to what he’s insinuating when he subtly slides his hand down my back and brushes across my still sensitive and swollen core.
Charlotte runs past us and begins opening the box and setting out plates for the three of us. When I move to follow her, Gage pulls my back up against him and smiles down at me. “You’re all mine today.”
When the Bosis arrive, they embrace Gage happily, and talk with him about Charlotte and the hospital. When their conversation tangents into the bed and breakfast Gage’s family is investing in in Bay Head, my jaw hits the floor when I hear Tommy Bosi say that his construction company has been hired on to do the remodeling.
Mrs. Bosi looks at Gage and smiles. “We can’t thank you enough, Gage. After this project is done, Tommy will finally be able to sell his share and retire for good. A God send is what you are.” She turns to me and smiles. “It’s like he’s been sent to us from Heaven.”
Gage smiles politely. “Mr. Bosi, Mrs. Bosi, I’m glad that my family have people like you doing the job. People we can trust to do a good job, while giving back to the community.”
Just then Gage’s phone rings, and he politely excuses himself saying it’s a business call he has to take. Charlotte runs to the door with her suitcase ready to go on her fun filled weekend. “Bye Mom, tell Gage, I love him.” The words cut like a knife and I can only kiss her cheek and nod back.
When they’re gone I walk back to the deck looking for Gage and hear him talking quietly, so I pause to listen. Don’t judge, you’d do it too. “Yes, I’m taking it on but haven’t asked her about that part yet. The time hasn’t been right, but I plan to tonight.”
My heart begins racing. He’s already accepted the job? I thought he said he wouldn’t leave without me going with him, but if he’s accepted, then that means he’s going either way. I know it’s hypocritical for me to be angry, but now all I can do is doubt everything he’s ever said to me. Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as he says. Maybe I’m not really his fairy tale.
The rest of the conversation is lost on me, my head spinning too much to focus on anything around me. I simply walk over to one of the lounge chairs and snuggle in under a blanket, letting Gage know of my presence so that I can just get this over with. My breathing picks up as I sit and try and focus on the small ripples of water rolling down the lagoon. I feel sick to my stomach with grief but keep reminding myself I’m doing this for him. The warmth of the sun is snuffed out and replaced by the warmth of Gage’s lips when he leans over the back of the chair and kisses me.
“Is Charlotte gone?” he asks walking around the chair, lifting my feet and placing them on his lap, sitting far too close for me to say what I need to.
I nod, and pull my feet away from his caressing hands and tuck them up under me, making him smile and reach out and pull my entire body up against his as if I’m playing a game. When he leans in to kiss me, I hold my hand up to his lips, stopping him in his tracks and his playful smile instantly turns. “We need to talk,” is all I can say.
Gage searches my eyes with a questioning expression surely having no idea what I’m about to say. “I have something I need to talk to you about, too,” his voice is raspy and determined. “Me first, ok?”
If he sits here and professes his love to me, looking the way he does, there will be no way I can go through with this. I nod my head again. “I’ve been needing to say this for a while now Gage, so just let me get it out.” I try and make my voice sound strong, although I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I make some space between us and look back out to the lagoon. “I don’t know how else to say this other than I don’t think this is going to work anymore.”
“The hell it won’t. What the hell are you talking about, Jessica?” Gage gets up and stands in my view lifting me up so I have no choice but to look into his blue eyes that I love so much that are filled with so much pain, and I almost lose my nerve. “Whatever is going on in that sweet head of yours, just tell me, and we’ll get through it together. But don’t sit there and pretend we aren’t working. We are perfect.”
My heart cracks at his sincerity, but I know I can’t take away his dream. “The only thing that has been going on, is that I can’t be with you anymore. Our lives are going in different directions, Gage. You need to go to Ohio, and I need to stay here with Charlotte. I can’t be the reason…”
“You are the reason Jess. You’re the reason for everything I do. Nothing matters more than you. Nothing. No one has ever had my heart more than you, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to throw that away for a job.” He paces back and forth when I won’t let him hold me, clearly trying to calm himself down.
“But you got the job didn’t you? And you didn’t tell me.” I choke back the tears building when I remember he also accepted it. “So let’s just make this easier on the two of us and end…”
He stops dead in his tracks and takes my shoulders in his hands, heartbreak all over his face. “Yes, I did get the job, and was going to tell you last night when I found out, but got carried away.” A sad smile appears on the corner of his mouth at the memory. “But I’m not going. I didn’t take it.”
I’m confused and pissed all at the same time. I heard him, why the hell is he lying? “I heard you, Gage.” I step back from him because his touch makes me want to do nothing but fall into the comfort of his arms. “I don’t want to be with you anymore, Gage. It’s that simple. I was trying to be nice and use you’re moving as an excuse, but the truth is I don’t love you. I don’t know if I ever really have. You will never measure up to Dave.”
He flinches at my words and I die a little inside at the lie I just told. “You’re lying. You don’t mean that.” He stalks up to me and takes me in his arms, and looks at me with absolute confidence and dominance that turns me inside out. “You love me and I love you. Nothing you say right now will make me think any different. So say whatever lies you want, I don’t believe you.”
I s
wallow hard and meet his gaze, mustering up every bit of courage left in me. “I’m sorry Gage, but that just isn’t true. You’re hot, you’re rich, and you’re a rebound.”
“I’m not letting you do this.” He doesn’t miss a beat and kisses me with such need, I give in momentarily before pushing him back.
“I need you to go.” I’m fighting back the tears watching the realization wash over him as I step back from him and walk over to the screen door and open it. “I’m really sorry, Gage. It was fun. But it’s over.” I have no idea how I’m able to get such a lie across my lips.
Gage stands there with a defeated expression before walking over to the door and looks down at me. “I don’t know what has come over you Jessica, but I’m not giving up on us. Whatever it is, we can get through this together.”
“The only thing I want to get over is you, Gage. I tried to be nice before, but I’m not asking, I’m telling you to get out.” I choke out the last words hoping he doesn’t notice my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.
He turns and kisses me one last time, his sad eyes watching me, before walking out my door without a word. I watch him pull away from my house, and fall to the floor in a fit of tears watching the man I love drive away.
Jess
It’s been two weeks of dodging phone calls and binging on mint chocolate chip ice cream, trying to manage the sadness of losing Gage. “Ink” by Coldplay is playing in the background and I want to crush the sound system for playing a song that Gage used to love to dance with me to and makes me think of the smooth way he moves his body with mine. He loved this CD because he said it always reminded him of the first time he knew he was in love with me, the night of our first date.
Wished Away: A Broken Fairy Tale Page 17
