Before he can stop me, I bolt through the patio doors to the backyard and stand at the edge of his pool, drinking the night air in deep gulps.
I’m so mixed up about what’s happened. When I came over today, I’d been wary, but then I saw him. I saw the way he looked at me, and everything wrong was right again. He’d taken me roughly, yet it was, in every way, making love. We’d been normal. We’d been us. And when he’d held me in his arms and told me about his poetry love, all my worries about us disappeared.
Then came the scene. And everything was different, and part of me wants to tell him that his idea is stupid and ridiculous and can’t possibly work, but another part of me realizes that I have no other option to give him in return. Because how things were wasn’t working either.
Tears burn at the corners of my eyes. I know Logan’s trying to guide me through this. Maybe he’s even the North Star my mother suggested I look for. I mean, I hope he is. I love him, and I want to be with him. So maybe I just need to do what he suggests. But how can I, when everything he’s suggesting makes me feel even worse than before?
I hug my arms around my chest and look skyward. It’s smoggy. Typical for this part of L.A., and it’s barely worth looking up. Except just as I do, a meteor shoots across the darkness. It’s beautiful and blazing and not unlike how my heart feels at the moment. Like it’s on fire, and, even as it burns down to nothing, there’s something incredibly exquisite about it’s final fall into nothingness.
Like the fool stepping off a cliff.
“Did you make a wish?” Logan asks from behind me. He wraps his arms around me, his body warm and inviting against mine. Not for the first time, I’m aware of how the world around us dims when I’m in his embrace. If only we could live that way always.
I turn my head slightly toward him then look back at the sky. “You know, that tradition started back in ancient Greek times. Ptolemy used to say that it meant the gods were looking down on us, and that when they peeked through the spheres, star matter would slip through and that’s what we’d see fall through the sky. Since they were already paying attention to us, it was presumably a good time to ask for whatever our heart most desired.”
He brushes his lips against my temple. “I thought I had what my heart most desired. But twice now you’ve walked away from me, and I can’t help but think I should be wishing on that star right now for you.”
It hurts to hear him say it because in that one line I can tell both how much he loves me, and how much it’s going to hurt when I say the things I’m just beginning to realize I need to say.
So I stall. “They aren’t even stars.” I casually slip from his hold, needing distance from him to keep my mind in focus. “They’re particles of rock burning as they enter the earth’s atmosphere. Some of them so small, we’d refer to them as dust. Isn’t that funny how we put so much faith and trust into something so common and everyday?”
“Is it really so everyday, though? Dust might be, but catching it at just the moment that it burns up…I bet most people don’t look up enough to notice. Maybe the magic is in us taking the time to see it. And then taking the time to voice what it is we really want.”
His words strike a melancholy chord, and I turn to face him. Isn’t it kind of magic that I get to see Logan as I do? In common ways that burn brightly when caught in the right moment. Isn’t that what I have of him that no one else does?
It’s almost enough to send me back into his arms, but then he locks eyes with me and whispers, “Devi…” and, just like I know he’s voicing what it is he really wants, I know I have to voice what I really want.
“I can’t make pornographic films anymore,” I say.
He tenses. “Why? Because of LaRue? Because of Madden?”
“They’re a little bit a part of it, yes. But mostly because of—” you. That’s the word first in my mind, but I think of my heart and that falling star and know the real answer is, “me. It’s because of me.”
“I don’t understand. You don’t want to do het porn? Maybe you could go back to girl-girl shoots.” There’s concern in his tone, but underneath it I sense optimism. He’s relieved to hear this isn’t a problem with us, and now he’s probably assuming this conversation is going to be focused on my career.
And it will be. Just, there’s more, too. “I could do that. But…well, first of all, it’s a dead end if I stick with the work I’m doing. It’s not paying my bills and it’s not what I want to do for the long term. Staying in it doesn’t do anything to get me the future I want for myself.”
I pause to swallow before telling him the next part. The hard part. “The thing is, you say I’m good at leaving my heart out of things, and I thought I was too. I thought I was a person who understood how to separate the job from the emotions. But I’m not. I can’t. I can’t help but feel jealous every time you’re with someone else. Every time you go to work. I’m torn up and muddled, and I can’t even think straight because all I can see is your hands on Bambi—”
“I shouldn’t have had you stay and watch. That was—”
I go on as though he hadn’t interrupted, thinking of that awful tweet from yesterday. “And your mouth on Raven.”
“I will never have my mouth or my hands on Raven again.” He’s insistent and more than a little bit defensive. “I should have made that clear. She and I are over, and that means I won’t—” He pauses, an idea occurring to him. “Is this about the project she announced I’m doing with her? Because she just made that up. I’m not—”
“You’re not?” For half a second I’m relieved, but then I realize it’s not enough. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter, don’t you see? If it’s not Raven, it’s someone else. Because that’s what you do. You fuck other people for a living, and I can’t deal with it.”
He takes half a step backward, his green eyes shrouded with hurt. “So what you’re really saying is you can’t do porn anymore because of me.”
“No, Logan. That’s not what I’m saying. I can’t do porn anymore because I want to be in a committed relationship with someone. I want to be in love and I want only one person in my bed. I don’t want to share. I don’t want to share you. Making work separate and businesslike isn’t going to fix that. I can’t have sex with other people when I’m in love with you. I can’t watch you have sex with other people either.”
“You want me to—?”
I cut him off, eager to make sure he understands I’m not asking what he thinks I am. “No. I don’t want you to quit. I don’t want you to be anything but who you are because that’s who I’m in love with. I want you to be happy doing what you do—and you are. And that’s why this is about me. I’m not happy with you doing what you do.”
He shakes his head as though dismissing what I’ve said, an expression of clear certainty settling on his strong, handsome face. “It’s because we’ve been doing this wrong. Like I said. We have to set things up differently between us, and it can work. I know relationships can work in this industry.”
“You know this because of your relationship with Raven? Because, far as I can tell, that didn’t work out so well.”
He tilts his head at me. “That’s not fair.”
I bite the inside of my lip and sigh. “You’re right. It’s not fair. And this has nothing to do with Raven or with any other relationship in this industry. Maybe they can work. For someone else. They don’t work for me.”
“We haven’t really given it much of a try.” There’s a hint of annoyance in his expression, but I get that he’s just fighting for me the best way he knows how.
I’m fighting for me too. “I have tried. I’ve tried enough to know that it’s only going to get worse from here on out. It’s only going to hurt more, the more I love you. And maybe I could eventually figure out how to be callous and bury those emotions, but quite frankly, that’s not who I want to be. That’s not who you want me to be.”
“Of course I don’t want you to be callous. You won’t be. You think it’s not hard
for me too, when I picture you with Bruce douchecanoe Madden? It’s horrible. It drives me insane. You can’t imagine how I want to claw his eyes out.”
A spark of hope ignites inside me. “Really?” If he feels the same way, then maybe there’s a future for us I hadn’t imagined before.
He steps toward me, cupping my cheek in his hand. “Yes, really. I just need to tell you that more. That’s what I meant about setting boundaries.” He rubs his thumb over my lower lip, sending shivers down my spine. “And maybe we make up other rules like…” He glances up while he’s thinking then back at me. “Like there could be certain words we never use with other people and maybe we always have final approval on each other’s costars. Then we find things we never do with anyone else and we make sure that’s what we do together. Like we never sleep with anyone but each other—I mean actual sleep. And I want to be the only person who ever takes you to zombie movies.”
He’s so sweet and adorable and sure, and I want so much to be able to let go and trust his conviction.
“I love that you can see a relationship unfolding like this, Logan.” It’s heartbreaking to say, but it’s sincere. “It gives me hope that you’ll be able to find someone who will share those special things with you.”
“I have found someone.” His voice is tight, and for the first time I think he actually senses I might be ending this. He moves his hand to grip behind my neck. “We can be like this together.”
I’m already shaking my head. “It’s not me, Logan. I can’t share the man I’m in love with. That’s never going to change.”
“Oh, Cass. You’re so young. You—“
I pull out of his grasp, my voice sharp when I cut him off. “Don’t say that. Don’t say that to me right now. It’s not fair. Yes, I’m young. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how I feel. It doesn’t mean I don’t know myself well enough to know that this isn’t working for me.”
In the darkness, it’s difficult to make out the details of Logan’s features, but I can tell when it finally sinks in. “Devi, are you breaking up with me?”
I can’t say it. I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to mean it, but it’s the only answer. I see that now.
So I fold my arms across my chest and break up with Logan O’Toole with just a nod of my head.
His breath catches like I’ve knocked the wind out of him. It’s the single most heartbreaking sound I’ve ever heard in my life, and I have a feeling that no matter how long I live, I’ll never forget it. It’s the kind of sound that makes me want to be a different person than I am, makes me want to forsake my own happiness. Makes me want to step forward and press my mouth against his so I can kiss away the sound and the pain.
But I don’t move except to wipe a stray tear off my cheek. “I’m going to go back to school. I’d planned to tell you that today. I’m not sure what I’ll study, and I’m not even sure what school I’m going to go to. I’ve been looking at a few. UCLA is still a possibility, but I’m starting to think I need to get out of California. UT Austin, maybe. I was accepted there when I applied in the past.”
“You don’t have to break up with me to go to school, Devi. I’ll support you in that, if that’s what you want. You don’t have to stay in the business for me to love you. And I don’t have to live in L.A. to do my job. I can go wherever you need to go.”
My knees buckle. “Don’t say that, Logan.”
“Don’t say what? That I love you? That I’ll support you?”
All of it. “If you loved me at all you wouldn’t say any of it. You’d let me go.”
“No, I’d fight for you. I love you, and I’m fighting for you. And if you loved me, you’d let me.”
“Have you considered that maybe the problem is I love you too much?” With that, I’ve exposed my greatest fear—that the real reason I can’t handle our jobs and he can is because I love him more than he loves me.
Before he can respond, I go on. “This is pointless, Logan. We’re just dragging this out, and it’s already painful for both of us. I’m so grateful for the opportunity you gave me with Star-Crossed. I’m so inspired by your work and your passion. And I’m so very honored to have had the chance to—” My voice cracks, and I go to clear my throat.
But then Logan is on me, a hand behind my neck, another tangled in my hair, and it doesn’t matter if my voice is working because he’s captured my mouth with his. His kiss is searing and aggressive. With his lips and his tongue, he demands, and I want to give into him so I do. For the space of our kiss, I do.
When he breaks away, we’re both panting. “You don’t want to leave me. You couldn’t kiss me like that and want to leave me.”
“I don’t want to leave you.” My voice is barely more than a whisper. “But I can’t live in your universe, Logan. If there was any way I could, I promise I would.”
He leans his forehead against mine and shuts his eyes tight. “Don’t do this, Devi. What can I say or do to make you not do this?”
It rips me up inside because it feels like he’s asking me to answer honestly, and I want to. So much. I want to tell him the solution that’s already staring him in the face. In the same way he asked me to “make porn” with him all those weeks ago, I want to plead, “Don’t make porn with me.” Don’t make porn. Just be with me.
But I know better than anyone that if he doesn’t see that answer, it’s because he doesn’t want to. And it’s not something I’m ever going to ask him to do. I’m not as vain as Cassiopeia to believe I would give Logan a more beautiful life than the one that he has, no matter how much I wish it were true.
“I have to go,” I say, pushing out of his arms. Don’t look back, I tell myself as I head through the open gate of the pool area to my car.
“Devi?”
Despite my self-coaching, I turn. Because I can’t not turn when he says my name.
“You should study stars.”
For a second I think he’s being sarcastic. Like he’s referring to himself—a porn star. That he’s suggesting I study another porn celebrity the way I studied him.
But he glances up, gesturing to the sky with his eyes.
Oh. Stars. “Yeah. Maybe that’s what I’ll do.”
This time when I turn to go, I don’t look back. I don’t stop. I step blindly off the cliff into darkness like the fool, and hope, eventually, I’ll land on solid ground.
Twenty-One
I almost do it. I almost let her walk away from me. Because I’m so stunned. Because I’m so hurt. Because I can still taste the fire and heat of her kiss, and how could she kiss me like that and then just walk away?
But my feet move before my mind, and I’m jogging through the gate right as she shuts the door of her old VW Bug. She starts the engine but she leaves the car in park as I run over to her.
She rolls down the window, and on her young face is an expression of pain so poignant I can barely look at it.
“You’re hurting,” I say, bracing my hands against the top of the car’s window frame so I can lean down to see her better. “And I’m hurting. Devi, it doesn’t have to be this way; we don’t have to be hurting right now. Come inside, and we’ll talk. We’ll figure this out.”
“There’s nothing left to figure out,” she says quietly. “I can’t be with you when you can’t be with only me.”
I slam my hands against the window frame, rocking the tiny car and making her jump. Anger like hot acid fills my words when I speak. “You know it’s not like that! My heart would be with only you, so why the fuck does it matter where my cock is?”
“It matters to me,” she answers, her voice trembling slightly.
I’m still furious, my hands clenching the window frame now, and I want to tear this car apart, rivet by rivet, until she agrees to stay. “You knew what you were getting into,” I accuse. “You knew exactly what it would mean to date a porn star. It’s not fair for you to change your mind now!”
Tears catch on her eyelashes as she shakes her head. “I can’t be in t
his porn world anymore, Logan. I can’t be in your world.”
“It’s our world,” I insist, her tears thawing my anger into a messy, guilty regret. “We both live in it, and we both love doing porn.”
“No, you love doing porn.” She takes a deep breath. “And that’s why I’d never ask you to stop. I love you exactly how you are, and part of who you are is porn. Doing what you love. Do you think I’m so cruel that I would ask you to give that up?”
“But…”
I don’t have anything to follow that word, though. I just know I need to struggle against this, fight for this, salvage something, anything, because Devi is the one thing I can’t afford to lose…
Except she’s right about me. I can’t afford to lose doing what I love either. If I’m not Logan O’Toole, World Famous Porn Star, then who am I?
“It just never occurred to me,” I finish lamely. “That anyone would want to quit porn. That porn would be an issue. I thought we both were on the same page. I thought we both loved each other.”
A tear finally falls down her cheek, a shimmer racing down her perfect face. “I do love you. More than you love me, and that is why I have to go—and why I’m going without asking you to come with me. Goodbye, Logan.”
She puts the car in reverse, and I have to step back so my foot doesn’t get run over. And it’s not until her taillights vanish around the corner at the end of my street that I manage to whisper, “Goodbye.”
* * *
Gutted.
I’m fucking gutted.
The good angel on my shoulder tells me not to call her, to give her space and time, because she needs it and she asked for it, and if I invade her mental and emotional space, then I’m violating her consent in a way, and I don’t want to do that.
On the other hand, Devi Dare just broke up with me, and I’m practically hysterical with betrayed misery. I make it until about two in the morning before I call her, but the call goes straight to voicemail. Like her phone is turned off.
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