by Mia Kerick
“Take your time.”
He blows out a breath. “Ya know, him fucking me was just that. Fucking.” He pulls my arms around him tighter, like they’re a blanket against the cold. “It’s not the same as what you and me do in bed.”
“It isn’t the same at all.”
“You and me—we make love.” I can feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing against my chest. It’s faster than normal, but not alarmingly so.
“We do.”
“And what he did to me doesn’t change anything between us.”
I was sincerely concerned that he’d withdraw from me physically. Maybe he won’t.
“The shit Brian Wilkins did—it sent me off the deep end. I mean, because of him I never wanted to get touched again. But I feel different now. Maybe ’cause it’s you who will put your hands on me, and I trust you.”
My eyes burn.
Bodie turns to look at me. “I probably ought to wear a condom now that I been with someone else. Ya know, when we make love.” His lips twist. “For safety, until I get tested.”
“That’s all right. It’ll still be us making love.”
He sighs. “Well, that’s it. Told you what was on my mind.”
Sometimes Bodie is surprisingly direct. “I have a question too.”
“Yeah?”
“I hope I can be as direct as you were.”
“Don’t worry, you can.” He has more confidence in me than I do.
“Will you let me know when you’re ready to be with me again? I’m not sure of what you need. I don’t want to overstep.”
Bodie throws his legs onto the floor and fully faces me. He grasps my shoulders, so I’ll look at him. “I already told you, for me, nothing has changed between us. What he did to me isn’t the same as what we do.” His eyes shift to the side, and finally tears collect along their reddened rims. “He bent me over the back of the couch. Fucked me hard and fast.” Bodie gulps and a tear slides out of the corner of one eye. “It hurt like hell.”
My belly lurches at the image. “I’m so…” So sorry? So angry? So…what?
“I’d say he fucked me the way animals do it, but I don’t think animals are evil. And what Jack did to me was evil.”
Only panting can help me fight the fury. “Jesus, Bodie. I want…to kill him. To choke the life out of him for what he did to you.” My gasped sentiment surprises me, never having been one to want to take matters so literally in my own hands.
“Join the club.” A few more tears roll down his cheek. “But like I said, it wasn’t the same as what we do. Can hardly believe it’s the same act.”
He wipes the wetness from his face. And then Bodie rises from the couch. He holds out his hand to me, and I take it.
“I want to make love to you now, Oliver.”
“You’re sure?” I ask. We can’t get this wrong.
“I need to.”
“Then let’s not wait.”
Bodie has been something of a skittish pony in the bedroom, so I’ve always approached him cautiously. Never assumed that his body was mine to do with as I pleased. Tonight will be no different. He will call the shots. He will see them through. And I will be the grateful recipient of his attentions. This is how I want it.
Fully dressed, we stretch out on the bed. He turns onto his side and engages me first with his eyes. In his gaze I see need, along with a measure of apprehension.
“I need to hold you.” he whispers. It sounds like a confession—a secret for only my ears.
“Please do,” I reply and wait for him to make his move.
When he envelopes me in his arms I feel protected, and what I want to do is protect him. But it hits me that he’s reclaiming his strength—his control of a physically intimate moment.
“Feels good. So right…with you.” Another confession.
After a few moments of closeness, Bodie’s fingers find the hem of my T-shirt. I lift myself onto one arm so he can more easily pull it off.
“You’re beautiful.” He smooths his hands over my shoulders and then my chest.
I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to be so aroused. I don’t want to scare him off with the rawness of my desire. But it’s difficult to hide when he reaches down to remove my shorts. “Is it okay that I want you so much?” I ask.
“I’d be insulted if you didn’t.” Still no smile.
Bodie drags my shorts down and slides his hand into my boxers. I fight the urge to push into his hand.
“Bodie, I want to be yours again.”
“Don’t ever doubt that you’re mine.” A sweet kiss proves he means this. “You’ve always been mine.”
“I just never thought we’d be here again, so close to each other like this.”
“You, Ollie, are my hope. And my strength. If I got you, I got everything I need.” Again, he kisses me, and this time it’s with purpose. “Gonna make love to you and leave behind all the shit that came between us.”
Except for the guttural sound of our breathing, we’re silent as Bodie pulls off my boxers, and then his own clothes.
He takes my hand in his, pressing it to his erection. “And never forget that I’m yours. This has never changed.”
I hold my breath as I stroke him. After a few moments, his shoulders sink, and he fully relaxes against me. “Do you have a condom, Bodie? I need you inside me—I missed you so much.”
“Give me a second.” He leans to the bedside table and grabs the condom and lube he placed there before we came to bed. Then there’s a crinkle of a package and the snap of a plastic cover. “I got this.”
Bodie pushes my legs apart and finds my entrance with his slippery fingers. “Oh, God…” I murmur.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” He’s more gentle than usual as he prepares me. I wonder if Jack gave him so much consideration. And I hate that I had such a thought.
“You make me forget about everything except how good we are together,” I say.
Bodie pushes inside me with one finger, and then two. “And I’m strong with you.”
I remember how he once interchanged the word safe with the word strong. I suspect he feels both when we’re together. “You are strong, Bodie. And I need to feel your strength now.”
He grunts as if my words have fed a secret need, but the preparation continues. For almost too long. “Not gonna hurt you, baby. I’ll never hurt you.” His dedication to my readiness convinces me that he wasn’t well prepared on that hellish night with Jack. Again, I grit my teeth in anger. Thankfully, Bodie doesn’t seem to notice.
He scrambles to kneel between my legs and lifts my ass enough to slide a pillow beneath me. Leaning over my body—holding his weight with one arm—he lines up his dick with my ass. “Never gonna leave you again.”
As Bodie pushes inside me, he gazes into my eyes. The look is one of passion, but at the same time, I can almost see the memories as they pass through his mind. Painful memories of yet another event he wishes he could forget but will surely always linger.
“I’m your home, Bodie. Anywhere you go, I go. You’ll never be alone.”
My words affect his lovemaking. His steady strokes turn frantic; he moves in and out of me with urgency. “Gonna touch you now.”
“Yes, please.”
He fists my cock and begins a steady up and down motion. With his dick inside my ass, filling me so completely, and his hand on me, there’s so much sensation. But it’s the look in his eyes—the raw need I know is for my soul as much as my body—that carries me over the edge. I cry out as I come, and he soon does the same.
“I love you, Bodie. Always will.”
“Can’t believe I ever thought I could live without you,” he gushes.
It’s out of my mouth before I think. “But what about Jack?” I’m not sure where this question comes from, especially so soon after climax. “I want to go after him—make him pay for what he did. I’ll kill him! I mean it!”
Bodie stiffens—not in the good way—and is silent for too long. “What if
I want to let it go, Oliver?” he finally asks, his voice tiny for such a large man. “What if I want to move past that night and never think about Jack Wheeler again?”
My bravado quickly deflates. “Whatever you want, Bodie, is what we’ll do.” I instruct myself to accept what feels like inaction. Maybe, though, this is not about my feelings. Maybe it’s all about Bodie’s.
His eyes are clear when he brushes the hair out of my face, studies me, and says, “Our love will help me move past all the bad shit that’s happened.”
“You’re right—I’m so sorry I pushed you.”
“Can’t deal with any more pain, Ollie. I need to look forward to our life together.” He clears his throat in an effort to prevent ruthless emotions from getting the better of him.
“Then that’s what we’ll do.” For his sake, and honestly for mine as well, I swallow my rage. “To the future.” I place a kiss on his cheek.
Finally, the crooked smile I crave appears. “What we’ve got is strong enough to keep me here with you forever. If you want me.”
“No more leaving?” I’m confident of his reply, but I’ve learned from Bodie that it doesn’t hurt to be direct.
Bodie shakes his head, the autumn tangles inviting my caress. “Not unless we go together.”
Epilogue
“So, you’re saying that she made you feel like your life wasn’t yours?” Bodie asks, kneading my ass with the ball of his foot.
“Exactly.” I hum softly at the gentle massage. “God, that feels good.”
Getting ready for our first Christmas together has been an adventure. Chopping down the perfect Christmas tree at a farm across Pinella Bridge—Bodie did the actual chopping. Cruising literally all of the gift shops on the island for ornaments—he wanted a wide selection to choose from. Setting up the tree in front of the picture window—there was a healthy debate about the precise location. Now we reap the reward of our efforts. Sitting foot to foot on the couch, admiring the white lights and the ocean-themed decorations, while sipping hot cider and listening to Christmas tunes, I’ve never been more excited for the holidays. Ever.
Bodie has been like a kid in the diligence with which he’s approached holiday prep. And he’s asked me a million questions about my favorite Christmas sugar cookie décor, our family’s stocking-opening tradition, and my childhood memories of sitting on Santa Claus’s lap.
“Would you say overall your Christmases were happy, Ollie? Even though your mom tried to steal your privacy?”
I just finished telling Bodie about my lifelong struggle with my mother’s obsession of knowing all things “Oliver.” How my complete transparency was required to make her believe she was important to me. I’d meant to get to this discussion sooner, but as it turned out, the conversation happened tonight. On Christmas Eve. Chatting about my family’s Christmas traditions, and his family’s lack of them, led into a discussion of childhood. My childhood. And I spilled like a glass of beer on the bar.
“Well, yeah. I mean, what kid doesn’t like getting gifts? But I kind of felt like I owed her something after I opened them.”
“Like you owed her your secrets?”
“Uh-huh.”
“That must have sucked.”
“As much as this chipmunk Christmas song sucks. It’s really not very romantic.” I use the Bose remote to turn down the volume.
“At least she’s backed off a lot since me and you been together,” Bodie concludes. “How about another cider drink? Never tasted one so good.” He slides off the couch, picks up our empty mugs from the coffee table, and heads to the kitchen before I even reply.
“I’ve been making them at Ivory Tower since Halloween. Wanda says my mulled cider recipe is the most popular autumn drink ever.”
“I believe it,” he calls back from the kitchen.
Instead of returning with mugs of cider, he holds a square white box with a shiny red bow. “What’s that?” I ask.
“What does it look like?”
“We agreed that the Christmas tree and ornaments were our presents to each other.”
“I didn’t break our deal.” He stands before me and presses the box into my hands. “Go ahead and open it.”
It isn’t gift wrapped, so all I have to do is lift the lid and push aside a sheet of sparkly tissue paper. Inside the box is a small-scale replica of my cozy white cottage, complete with yellow shutters and front door. On the side wall of the house, “Bodie and Oliver’s Home Sweet Home” is printed neatly in black marker.
“Is this an ornament?” I lift it from the box and notice the silver hook attached to the top. “Oh, wow! Where did you ever get this?”
“Santa never tells his secrets.” His smile is smug and freaking adorable. “But a customer who comes into The Island Toolbox makes them. So I took a bunch of pictures of the cottage, emailed them to him, and he came up with this.”
“Well, I love it. Best gift ever.” I pull Bodie down beside me on the couch and kiss him. “And this makes it official—giving me a Home Sweet Home Christmas ornament means you can never leave.”
“Had no plans on going anywhere. Except to the tree to hang your gift.”
Bodie takes my hand and helps me to my feet, and together we walk to the sparkling tree. I hang the cottage ornament on a front and center branch. “It’s perfect, and, uh, I got you something too. Even though I wasn’t supposed to. Stay here.”
I race to the second bedroom, which we plan to use as guest quarters since Bodie moved into my room. I drag a long black bag behind me down the hall to the living room.
“That is not an ornament, Ollie.” He shakes his head. “You are a rule breaker.”
“No, but it’s something you really need,” I counter. “Unzip it.”
Bodie crosses the room slowly. “But you broke our deal…”
“Don’t pout—it was for a good purpose. You’ll see.”
Bodie bends and slowly unzips the bag. “Is this a motorcycle cover?”
“It is—your Harley needs a home too. It doesn’t have a floor, but we can put your bike on the deck, and this sets up like a tent to go over it. It’ll keep the rain and snow off your bike this winter.” Guilt over breaking the rules combined with excitement about giving something he needs has me rambling.
“This’ll work way better than the tarp I got on her now,” he admits.
“You like it?”
“I love it. And I love you.” Bodie wraps his arms around my waist.
“Do you forgive me for breaking the rule, sir?”
He smiles in his perfect, crooked way. “Just this once.”
Hugo, sensing our excitement, darts into the living room from the kitchen. He looks up at us, gives us a sweet smile, and then pushes past to curl up on the fuzzy tree skirt underneath the Christmas tree.
“He looks like a holiday greeting card,” I say.
“We’ll give him his new dog bed in the morning,” Bodie adds, yawning rather obviously. “I’m thinking it’s time for us to hit the hay.”
“Yeah. We definitely have to rest up,” I agree. “It’s gonna be a crazy day tomorrow, between Christmas brunch with Mom and Gary, dinner with Dad, and stopping by to give LeeLee her Christmas presents in between.”
“Paw Patrol and Disney Princess Play Doh sets—she’s gonna go wild.” Bodie leads me down the hall. “We don’t have to go right to sleep, I sure hope. Got another something to give you in bed.” He winks.
“I wonder what that could be.” I wink back.
“Well, I’m pretty sure it’s something you want.”
“I’ve been a very good boy this year.” I push Bodie against the wall to steal a deep kiss. “And all I want for Christmas is you.”
“You got me, Ollie. Now and always.”
You can contact Mia Kerick writing as Jude Munro by email at [email protected] or visit the author’s website at www.judemunrobooks.com.
State of Mind Book 1)
