by SA Payne
didn't hurt, thanks to Amanda's care but the bed felt cold. The emptiness was what had woken
him up. There was no Rye, sleeping curled up in unpleasant dreams or tangled around him. It
made getting back to sleep impossible and suddenly made him horribly lonely.
When he sat up he felt a little drunk, his head was light and things felt unattached. Whatever
Amanda had given him, he was grateful for because he'd happily trade the numb emptiness to
the twisted pain of everything that had been lost. He wanted a cup of tea and he wanted Rye and
neither was to be found in the bedroom.
He padded on bare feet, Rye hadn't bothered with socks when he'd been pulling clothes for him,
into the living room. The lights were dim, a touch brighter near the small kitchen space and near
the vid screen since it was on and glowing. Rye sat on the sofa, near the edge. His lips were
moving as he was trying to read the information on the vid screen, a small line of a frown
between his eyes as he struggled to concentrate.
"There's an audio for it." Ichi spoke softly.
Rye nodded, not the least be startled at the voice behind him. "I know, I wanted to practice.
You're supposed to be resting."
Ichi shrugged even though he knew Rye couldn't see him. "Woke up." He moved to the kitchen to make tea and found a pot brewed and waiting. Rye didn't seem to be drinking any, it made
him feel a touch better as he poured himself a cup.
"What are you reading?" Ichi asked just above a whisper. Something in the night, the mood or how broken and drugged he felt made it feel necessary to whisper, as if a real word, spoken in a
real voice, would shatter something.
Rye shook his head. "Nothing of importance." He tried to click off the files but Ichi stopped him.
Across the screen were images with brief titles of the twenty most common weapons used in the
Concord. Each one could be highlighted and more information called up. Ichi remembered
seeing Rye moving as fluid as a dancer, as destructive and deadly as any of the weapons on the
screen.
"You're not stuttering."
"No." He couldn't look at Ichi, couldn't bring himself to see the disgust that had to be there.
"Do you remember?"
Rye shook his head. "No. I..." He drew a slow breath. "I know things." One hand waved to the weapons on the screen. "I know them, I know distance, use, levels, materials. I can tell you how to build each of them. I know how to smuggle them and modify them. I know how to pilot
Harvick's ship, most ships I think."
Ichi sat silent, eyes on the screen and the things so far from his world. "You know how to fight."
"I know how to fight."
"But not how you know?"
"No, nothing, it's just, blank."
The tea was a comforting warmth in his stomach, settling some of the unease. "Well, maybe you
were Fleet? Fleet ground, special situations officer, maybe?"
Rye knew it wasn't right, knew he wasn't anything nearly so nice, he could feel it, he just couldn't admit such to Ichi. "Maybe." He reached out and clicked the vid screen off. "You should go rest."
Ichi didn't move, his mug cupped in his hands, hot and yet still he felt chilled. "What am I going to do, Rye? Everything I had was in there. It took me a year to get enough to make even a small
swarm, not to mention the others. It's gone, it's all gone."
He wanted to comfort his lover, wanted to take it all back, but he couldn't. "Go, rest, worry about it tomorrow."
"It is tomorrow."
Rye shook his head at the logic. "Worry about it when you're rested."
Ichi was too exhausted to protest much, he stood but didn't go a step further. "Come to bed with me?"
"I'm not tired." Which was only a half truth, he was and he'd give his soul to wrap himself around Ichi and pretend the day hadn't happened. Things weren't so simple.
"The bed feels empty without you." The tight, unhappy whisper he couldn't help using almost made it okay to speak so boldly.
It was too cruel. Rye clenched his hands into a ball. "I thought I'd just lay down out here when I was tired." It was the drugs, that was it, and the shock. As soon as Ichi was rested, he'd
remember who was responsible for the death of his work.
Rye's whispered words became a blow that was only lightly padded in the cushion of the drugs
he'd been given. It was a sharp reminder of the lessons of his childhood, and of why he lived a
solitary life. He didn't take rejection lightly.
"Oh." Was all he could say at first and he swallowed hard to clear the lump from his throat.
"Well,
I understand. I'm glad you're remembering more about yourself, that's good." He couldn't make
himself look happy for Rye, the drugs didn't extend that far.
"What?" Rye glanced up, startled by unexpected words and found Ichi's face a cold, barren mask.
One of his hands soothed out to brush through Rye's hair purely on instinct and partly because
he was afraid he'd never be allowed to again. "I understand."
"Well, I don't!" Rye stood up and willed his body to behave and not think lewd things at the soft, shy touch.
"It was only time until you healed enough to remember your true preferences. It's okay."
Somewhere in the back of his mind Ichi had always known that Rye would eventually remember
enough about himself to remember that what they'd been building wasn't his natural choice.
Rye pulled Ichi close, their legs entwining as always and his hands came up to cradle either side
of the closed face. He lifted Ichi's chin so his eyes should have been meeting his own, only those
mocking orbs were lowered and not taunting him. "You are my true preference."
Between the strong hands, Ichi shivered, feeling the stirrings of desire in Rye where their bodies
were pressed together. "It's okay, they made it so you'd need touch more. I understand, it's like letting pressure out so it doesn't build up."
It was a harsh truth, Rye had long since learned that anyone could touch him and soon have him
begging for more, and he meant that, anyone. They were harsh truths that he'd spent a lot of
time thinking about. "There's a difference between response and desire."
Ichi nodded and missed what Rye was trying to say. "Exactly, I understand."
"No, you don't." It was odd, having words come so easily and yet still struggling to put his thoughts and emotions into a logical form for words to explain. He closed his eyes to make it
easier. "Send me away, that's the only way I'll leave you. You should, for all I've done."
"Send you away?" Ichi squeezed his eyes shut and dropped the weight of his head into the
strong
hands. "Can't you see? It's killing me to try to do what's right. To respect what you want."
"What I want is to stay by your side but I did unforgivable things today. I killed your swarm, I don't expect you to overlook that, just, let me stay near you." He wanted to kiss Ichi, toss him on the sofa and remind him how useful it was to have him around. It wouldn't have been fair and
Rye held the desire in check. "Please."
"You saved my life, kept them from..." Ichi shook his head. "Saved most of this station too."
"But I killed the only thing you loved."
The reminder of the loss of the swarm twisted pain in his stomach but something worse twisted
him more. "Do you think me so cold?" Like ice, Andrew had teased him but the words had hurt because he was icy cold. "You think what we've been doing has just been physical?"
Rye found his hands sliding over the almost angry face, trying to sooth some of the torment he
could see but didn't understand. "I hadn't wante
d to hope."
That forced Ichi to look up and the emotions in the grey eyes were beyond his skills to translate.
"Losing the swarm, hurts. I don't even know where to go from here, but I'll go on." It was a lesson hard learned while sitting and watching his parents. His mother had always warned him that he
grew too attached to things and maybe she'd been right. "If I'd lost you..." He shook his head.
"When they tried to take you..." His voice broke.
Soft fingers slid over the sealed wound on the side of Ichi's face. "You tried to save me, they would have killed you."
He flinched a little at the touch, the wound was sore and would be painful once the drugs wore
off. "I couldn't lose you."
It didn't matter that Rye was pretty sure he wasn't a good person before someone he couldn't
remember turned him into a toy. It didn't matter that he'd slaughtered people as easily as he
made tea. In that moment, it didn't even matter if he never remembered another detail of his life
before he'd been altered. The only thing that mattered was that Ichi didn't want him to leave and
more, actually felt something for him.
"Ichi, this is desire, not response. It doesn't matter what I might or might not have been before, this is what I am now." He glanced down. "If you don't hate me for what I've done, please, don't send me away."
He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Rye's waist. It felt good to let the lean strength
hold him, to bury his face into the slender neck. "I promised, no matter what you remembered,
until you wanted to leave."
Rye slid his hands over the shoulders that he could get drunk touching and pulled Ichi just far
enough away to kiss him. The lips were stiff, uncertain before they yielded and some of the
tension faded from the rigid body. He kissed Ichi silly, kissed him until his breath was short gasps and only then did he break the kiss long enough to whisper. "Never, I'll never want that."
Part Sixteen:
Ichi held back a snuffly sniff and wiped quickly at his eyes. "No one's ever said that to me,
wanted to be with me."
Rye kissed the worried forehead. "We're quite the pair." He teased. "You thinking I want to leave, me being scared silly you'll ask me to leave."
"Rye," Ichi sighed and pressed his head, the non-injured side, tight to Rye's chest. "What are we going to do? I don't know what to do."
"Shhh. For now, you're going to go back to bed and get some rest."
Ichi found himself nodding in agreement, feeling lost and tired. "You'll join me?"
"When I'm tired, for now, you go, get some sleep."
It seemed a sensible idea and Ichi slipped back to the bedroom. He found himself sitting on the
edge of the bed and not sleepy enough to lay down. There was something distracting, something
he was missing or needed. There was some thing misplaced or overlooked and he sat trying to
resolve what it might be. When he understood, he knew it was because he did want to do
something and he knew just what it was. In one moment, a very clear, painfully honest moment,
he knew exactly what it was he wanted to do.
"Couldn't sleep?" Rye asked gently as soon as he heard the footsteps lightly stepping behind him. There was no reply and when he glanced up Ichi was standing to the side of the sofa.
Rye wondered if maybe he'd been the one to take the blow to the head. What he was seeing had
to be an hallucination. A very nice hallucination for certain but what his eyes were seeing
couldn't be real. Ichi stood by the edge of the sofa, face turned slightly down and eyes on the
floor a spot or two in front of where Rye sat. Which would have been perfectly normal if Ichi
hadn't been completely nude.
The sight stole his breath and made him forget to worry about all the long list of things to worry
about. Ichi was body shy and covered up whenever he could and while Rye had seen and overly
the weeks mapped out, the entirety of the luscious golden skin, to have it offered for his sight
was intensely erotic. There was no doubt that Ichi was nude for him, Rye often begged, whined
and pleaded to get more of Ichi undressed in visible light and Ichi always blushed and avoided
the request when he could.
Not that he wasn't blushing now. The flush to the down turned face, the way he was standing torn
between trying to be comfortable and being intensely aware of his state of undress, it all
screamed that it hadn't been a slight or easy choice to strip to his skin and stand to be studied.
Rye drank in the offered vision and begged his heart to not fail.
"Ichi." He managed to breath out in a whispery sigh. "God, you're so beautiful." That wasn't what he'd meant to say and he shook his head at his ongoing tendency to say what he was thinking.
"You should be resting." He forced out, trying to be logical and reminding himself that masturbating another half dozen times tonight wouldn't kill him.
Ichi shook his head but couldn't quite raise his eyes. "I don't want to rest."
There was a velvet touch of desire in the softly spoken words that made Rye nearly swallow his
own tongue. It was the same tone Ichi moaned in when he'd lost control and gave in. It was the
same tone that played over and over again inside of Rye's fantasies. His body jumped to
respond, begged to take the nude, shining perfect man into his arms but his mind reminded him
of all the real solid facts. "You're hurt."
Ichi shook his head. "Not badly."
"Trauma, shock, a head wound, you're hurt, you're drugged and you don't know what you're
saying." He could behave, he could wait.
"I know what I want." Ichi said in the same velvety voice and glanced up.
Rye stumbled and fell into those eyes and thought for certain he was drowning. So much so, that
he didn't notice as Ichi took the last few steps over to him. It was as if he were entranced and
suddenly Ichi went from one side of the sofa to gently lowering himself down to sit, straddled,
across his lap. The warm weight of the careful contact made him moan and his hands dug into
the sofa to keep from gripping the offered flesh in front of him.
It was easier to act on what he wanted if he didn't think about it. He slid down onto Rye's lap,
holding his weight on his folded knees and barely balancing on the slender knees below him.
They hadn't even touched yet and Rye's breath was moving in short gasps, something that
normally didn't happen until much further into their explorations. Ichi leaned forward and kissed
Rye, tilting the willing head back to rest against the sofa, liking the way the softer fabrics Rye
wore felt against his bare skin.
As the kiss deepened, the grip Rye had on the sofa loosened. It was impossible to not touch all
that offered skin. Ichi knew that, Rye was sure, that sitting on his lap and kissing him would
remove any further protests he might have. Once he was started, Rye found his desires too
great, his body's responses too strong, for his will to shut down. His fingertips slid across the
silken flesh, up across hips and higher to tickle the bottom of shoulder blades. He didn't touch
with thought or direction, just with the aching need to feel.
Ichi broke the kiss, breathing faster himself and no longer embarrassed at being naked. He
leaned back, blinking a little at the still unexpected delight and shivers of desire that flooded him every time he saw Rye even the slightest bit turned on. From his hand he uncurled his fingers
and let the ampoules drop to the sofa, keeping one small sealed tube. He broke the seal and let
&nb
sp; the slick lube coat his fingers.
"Ichi..." Rye swallowed hard but the look in the eyes that met his was steady, not clouded by drugs or confusion.
The whisper of his name, so hungry and uncertain, made Ichi smile a small, tiny grin. He kept his
eyes locked onto Rye's wanting him to see, wanting to be seen and very deliberately slid the
slicked up hand around and slid a finger into his entrance.
"Oh, God." Rye moaned and the hands that had been exploring Ichi's skin fell aside, stunned and useless. He watched as Ichi whimpered slightly and arched, his slick fingers sliding in and slowly
out of his body. It felt almost pornographic to sit and watch, down right dirty to have Ichi sitting facing him, across his lap while the normally shy man finger fucked himself but Rye couldn't
refuse or protest.
It was beautiful and shockingly delicious. Rye found his hands on Ichi's calves, just gently
touching the man's legs. His eyes hurt from the beauty of what he was being allowed to see. Ichi
rocked slightly, forcing his fingers into his body, his face going for uncertainly embarrassed to
erotically lost as the pleasure swept him away. His free hand slid across his own chest, circling a nipple, gliding over a shoulder, lightly palming his cock, all for Rye to watch.
It was the sight, he knew it was but the slightest of amounts of friction of fabric across his aching length was tormenting Rye. He wanted to rub himself, or better he wanted to rub himself against
Ichi, or best of all, he wanted to replace those teasing fingers. His breath was short, he couldn't stand to watch but neither could he look away and in the end he gave in. Rye's hands clenched
onto Ichi's legs and his soft moans spiked a bit in desperate need. For a few heartbeats, release
and pleasure stole the sight of the most beautiful man he'd ever seen pleasuring himself as he
couldn't keep his eyes open and his body shuddered.
Ichi paused and watched, uncertain Rye had just come until the front of his pants dampened in proof. "You just..." but he wasn't sure how to ask and blushed a little.
Rye tried to get his breathing to level out a little but he thought it was a loosing fight. He'd come and the first sight of Ichi naked had him painfully hard again. He pulled the naked man down,
