by SA Payne
what he's said to you, taught you, or beat you into believing, you didn't deserve this, any of this and he isn't your savior."
"You can't understand."
"Like hell I can. I was luckier than you, Jake's a good man. If he'd been a sick fucker like Conti, I would be standing where you are."
That left Rye silent for a long moment. Will was right, there was little difference between them.
They`d both been wild, violent, men, both had been harnessed by stronger men. Will had simply
been luckier, but they both were lucky to have been found at all. "I'll kill Conti, to ensure you and
Ichi and the others stay safe but you're wrong Will, I still owe him."
Rye sat, mostly silent, as the small group debate and talked. He let them figure out plans and
methods but for the most part he ignored them. They didn't know Conti, they didn't know his
facility and Rye did. There plans made them feel better, less out of control and he was smart
enough to shut up and leave them that.
Only Ichi seemed to sense the truth and stay distant. He barely ate and hardly commented and
sat with just a touch too much distance between him and Rye. Subtle things, but things Rye had
long learned to read from the quiet man. It was a series of little things that added up to the other man thinking too much and worried.
That set Rye's teeth near to grinding, knowing there was nothing he could do until he got Ichi
alone. Minutes passed in painful slowness until the group started to repeat themselves, having
exhausted all their current ideas.
"Perhaps we should finish this another time?" Narin broke in gently, giving Jake a warning look and reminding them all how exhausted Rye had to be.
Rye made a mental note to thank the pale man because he had little doubt that the alien knew
his real reasons for wanting to escape. The wide, blue eyes seemed to miss little.
So, thanks to Narin, Rye was soon following Ichi back to their room. Will and Amanda had
elected to stay behind with Jake and Narin and catch up on old times, or maybe simply to give
the other couple some space. Rye didn't know, he was just grateful for the privacy. Ichi would be
much easier to get talking if they were alone.
Only, as the door shut behind them, there was no need to pry the words from Ichi. "I don't want you doing this."
"Doing what?" Rye asked but he knew already.
"Going after Conti, you don't know what his intentions are. You could be walking into a trap, or worse, you could get killed for nothing." He kept his back to Rye, unable to look at the other man and speak.
Rye moved and wrapped his arms around Ichi and tucked his face against the back of the
slender neck, holding the other man's back to his chest. "I won't risk him sending for me and you or the others being caught in the middle. You're right, I could sit and wait but it's just false
security, he will send someone for me eventually. I won't be able to keep you all safe, which
person would you have sacrificed? Will? Mark? Rosie?"
"Not you!" The words nearly choked him. "I won't sacrifice you!"
"Ichi, if I don't do this, you'll lose me anyway. This is the only chance." He could feel the tight, fearful anger in Ichi's body.
"All it takes is a lucky shot, one mistake."
"I'm tough, I've survived worse." And he had, his nightmares of worms suddenly was memory and he pushed it aside. "You know that, you've known for weeks that those nightmares were
real." The Gorpahn worms were about as close to dying as he'd come, for a day or so he'd nearly killed himself to stop the pain. "You didn't tell me..." Even Rye could hear the hurt in the words.
"No." Ichi pulled and broke from Rye's arms. "I didn't. What good would it have done? I had Will
look and there was nothing but dead ends, it gave no clues to your past other than that you'd
nearly died."
"You didn't think it would have done any good to tell me?" The words came out in a startled gasp.
"You were more fragile weeks ago, what good could have come from you knowing that at some
point, some time, in your past you'd gone through something like that? It upset you enough to
think it was just a dream."
"Because I thought I was loosing my mind."
Ichi didn't know if they were fighting or not, he just felt cornered. "I did what I thought was best.
It's okay because now that you remember Mica it's clear I was just a poor replacement for him.
I'll never be as strong as he was or as good at doing what's right so I'm not even going to try."
Rye actually took a step back, he was caught so off guard by the sudden turn in the conversation
and land mine of pride he'd just stepped blindly on. "What the hell? Just because he was Korean and you're what? Part Japanese? Aren't you the same guy all worried that I'd suddenly
remember that I don't like men? I'd think you'd be happy I do and better, that you're my type!"
"It's supposed to make me happy to find out that you're only attracted to me because you
vaguely remembered him?" Ichi heard the harshness in his voice, knew he was getting as close
to yelling as he ever got. He wasn't even sure why he was angry but he knew he was scared.
"Oh yeah, my being attracted to you has nothing to do with the fact that you're kind and smart and unbelievably sexy and everything to do with the fact that my first lover was a cold blooded
killer that I happened to live with and who happened to be Asian!" Rye shouted back. "God, for such a smart man you can be a real moron!"
"I'm not a moron!"
"And you're the only one here even thinking that my loving you has anything to do with Mica!"
Ichi was nearly shaking in rage. "Look me in the eye and deny it." He snarled back and tried to think logically how all of this mess had started. Like most things having to do with emotion, he
found himself clueless.
Rye locked his eyes with Ichi. "Moron."
"Don't call me that!" He stalked nearer to Rye.
"How about idiot, moron?" It was getting childish but Rye found himself pushing.
"Stop it!"
"You aren't cold, you're clueless!"
"You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Coward, clueless! What do you want, Ichi? What has to be done, to get it through that thick skull of yours that I love you! No one else, not even Mica, you! Do I need to make you hate me to
make it okay to love you?"
Normally, shouting made Ichi walk away. He'd never screamed in his life but the fear and
emotional ups and downs had pushed him too far. "You can't love me!" He heard himself
screaming. "People like you don't love people like me!" The truth was raw and mean and
horrible.
Rye wasn't sure if he was more hurt or angry. "I'm not good enough for you?" He suddenly felt
filthy. Ichi was so clean, so innocent and sheltered he must seem the monster in his eyes.
It wasn't what Ichi had meant and the odd turn to the fight stopped his hurt anger in it's tracks.
"What?" He questioned, unsure, trying not to be the clueless coward he'd been accused of.
"Well, now I know why you have no desire to take me... I've never tried to hide how many men
have used me." He glanced down, hurt surging over anger. "You're right, people like you aren't loved by the likes of me."
"What?" He shook his head. "People like me? Cold, empty, bookish, robots? God, Rye, you're beautiful and dangerous and alive and so fearless, if I could be half as brave as you! You should
have loved Mica, not someone boring and dull and clueless and, and cowardly like me."
The hurt was dripping in Ichi's words like blood drawn from a deep wound and Rye suddenly
understood
he'd confused the situation again. His admiration for Ichi was so high that he often
forgot the other man thought so little of himself. For Rye, knowing what he was, the bad and the
worst of his past, it was all just facts but Ichi built his sense of self around his perceived failings.
Rye stalked back to where Ichi stood, angry, hurt and tense in the center of the room. He was
close enough to smell the other man, and it made him want to nuzzle his face into the dark hair.
Those mocking, closed off, hazel eyes were lowered and Rye dropped hard onto his knees.
"I'd give anything for you to be able to see yourself as other people see you, even for a
moment."
He whispered. "Take me."
Chapter Thirty Three:
"What?"
Grey eyes glanced up and Rye found he had difficulty breathing when hazel met his own. Ichi
wanted him, he could see it there under the hurt and anger and fear but the man held himself in
tight check. Rye begged with his eyes, wondering if this was too much, too soon, for Ichi. He
knew he couldn't ask, there was no way he could tell Ichi how badly he needed to be fucked into
the ground. He wasn't sure he could explain how deeply he needed to let go and give himself
into Ichi's hands. He wasn't sure Ichi would ever be able to understand.
Rye underestimated the effect his eyes, lustful and begging, combined with being on his knees
and Ichi's already unstable emotions would have. Their eyes meeting was like lightening striking
them. Ichi felt his chest tighten, his heart beat painfully and there was no anger left. It was like that first morning, seeing Rye naked and waiting and Ichi wanted him.
He let one hand cross the gulf of space and angry words between them to ruffle across Rye's
hair. Those grey eyes fluttered but stayed locked to his own, begging, asking, needing and Ichi
found his hand gripping into the handful of red he held. He tugged slightly and Rye followed,
raising up on his knees as Ichi bent lower to meet him halfway for a kiss.
When Rye normally kissed him, he was aggressive. Chasing after Ichi and claiming what he
wanted. This kiss was different, passive, hungry, asking instead of taking and it made Ichi feel
bold and so hot he thought his skin might catch on fire. He wanted to open his pants and feel
himself grow hard inside of Rye's mouth. He wanted to be as much a creature of wild, brave, life
as Rye ever was.
Wanting and doing were two different things and Ichi broke the kiss and found himself at a loss.
Rye's eyes, when the slid slowly open, were clouded with need and longing and more, there was
trust there. Ichi let go of the tight fist of hair and soothed the black cherry locks again.
"It never crossed my mind that you'd want to bottom." He whispered, unable to lie or hide with those honest eyes on him. He felt his face blushing hotly red but Ichi didn't look away. "No one's ever wanted me to, I've never... I don't know how."
"Anything you want." Rye whispered, his voice harsh with need, trembling on the edge of
knowing Ichi might be able to give him all he wanted.
Ichi understood and it made him shiver. Being dominate wasn't one his stronger skills but
logically he understood. Rye responded to strength, he'd been raised from childhood on up to
follow and Ichi had just naturally been filling the role outside of the bedroom. What Andrew had
scolded him for, calling it Ichi's stubborn, bossy, perfectionist streak, made Rye feel safe. They
fit, the two of them, they made a good pair, filling in each other's needs and strengths and Ichi
saw it for the first time.
Until now, with Rye on his knees, trembling with want. All of his normal bedroom dominance, all
of Rye's normal confidence in control and being the aggressor between them, had taken a back
seat. For right now, Rye needed to surrender. He needed to obey and follow and Ichi knew it was
more. It was something they'd been dancing around and flirting with since their relationship had
turned sexual. Rye needed to know he could give in and not always be in control and that it
would be okay. He needed physical, solid proof that these sides of him were okay and accepted
too, and safe to explore.
It clicked, finally, Ichi's logical and emotional minds met each other and shook hands in
agreement. He understood and it was okay and nothing else mattered. He loved Rye, more
amazingly, Rye loved him and the differences in their personalities, their pasts, their ways, fit
together like two broken parts to make a better whole. Everything else, the fear of Rye going
after Conti, the twisted sense of morality over the blood on his lover's hands, his own insecurities and fears, none of it mattered.
Ichi's love, his beautiful Rye, needed him. Ichi's love, his beautiful Rye, trusted him. It made him feel both strong and small at the same time. He felt light headed and almost drunk as
understanding dawned and it left no room for anything but the moment they stood in.
The fantasy returned, the shivering delicious vision of growing hard in Rye's mouth. It was something from a dark, buried, naughty dream, something sexy and not normally in his day to
day life. For all the sudden faith and knowledge, Ichi teetered, unsure about sliding over that last edge.
Rye saw it, saw the startled wonder, saw the slow understanding and he saw the moment of
doubt. He checked himself, ran across everything he'd ever known or done and found nothing
that he wouldn't enjoy at Ichi's hands. He licked his lips and widened his eyes. "Anything." He repeated, voice husky and dark with need.
Ichi was already harder than in his fantasy but trying to verbalize what he wanted made him
blush more and knocked some of his desire back down. Half hard and more than half scared,
Ichi tugged a little at the closure of his pants. His hands seemed to have forgotten how to do the
simple task.
Rye's hadn't. With only that little bit to guide him he batted the hands away and expertly got the
fabric to co-operate. He didn't wait, the first glimpse of the small v of golden skin the fabric
showed was one of Rye's favorites spots on Ichi. Below his waist, and above more sensitive
parts, that first exposed v always was a siren song to him. He pressed his face to the warm flesh,
suckling gently and delighting at the hitch in the already rapid breath.
He pushed the fabric lower and was surprised to find that Ichi was only half hard. Rye glanced up
and saw the brilliant blush painted across the man's face, how red his ears were and knew it was
more than the idea of a simple blow job that had Ichi so embarrassed. That made him grin,
surprised again by such a kinky, lusty streak hidden under the cool, distant exterior.
Rye ran the side of his face along that half hard, half soft, velvety length and felt Ichi shiver in response. That was all the welcome he needed and all the warning he offered. He moaned softly
as he brought Ichi into his mouth and earned an answering, echoing moan from the still standing
man. It was something that Rye had considered doing, late at night. He'd wake up and on those
delicious, rare occasions when Ichi had let himself fall asleep nude, Rye would wonder what it
would be like to take the soft, sleeping length into his hand or mouth and wake it. He hadn't been
bold enough yet to risk it, unwilling to disturb Ichi who slept as soundly and as innocently as an
angel.
A dirty, wicked, lusty, horny angel, Rye grinned as he lightly teased. Ichi was gasping, short, lost breaths like a fish pulled from water. Ry
e wondered, if he kept teasing, would the length in his
mouth keep growing? It was a silly idea but it made him feel playful and he worked even more to
draw sighs and moans from his lover. He nearly came when Ichi dug a hand back into his hair, it
felt that good.
Only the tight grip didn't encourage him on, instead it pulled his head away. Rye surrendered his
prize, thinking of the now aroused hardness in terms of possession. It was in his mouth, he'd
made it so hard and twitchy, it should be his to toy with, the idea made him grin wickedly. Inch by inch he reluctantly pulled away until they both moaned in disappointment when the very tip slid
from Rye's lips.
Grey eyes peered upwards. Slightly puffy lips stood parted, waiting, hungry. Ichi nearly fell to his own knees at such a sight. He swallowed hard and got his brain working, at least half way.
"Go to the bedroom, strip naked, get the lube and wait for me." He heard himself whisper.
Rye's only answer was a small, wolfish grin before he stood up with all of the grace he could
show when he wanted. Ichi watched as the other man moved silently to the bedroom, stunned
again just by looking and still startled that the beautiful creature wanted to bind their lives
together.
He needed the moment alone. Ichi tugged at his clothes and while there was no way he could
close his pants without cutting something vital off, with his shirt loose he wasn't so lewd. The
idea that Amanda and Will could return at any moment was what had saved him, otherwise he
would have happily given in and let Rye suck him to climax.
That wasn't what Rye wanted, and in truth, it wasn't what Ichi wanted either. He was nervous,
yes, but excited to at the idea of topping. It wasn't something he'd ever given serious thought to, it seemed too bold for him, too much for him and Ichi had simply been grateful that there were
men, occasionally, in his life that had wanted to top him. It was just that sight of Rye, that first morning, presenting himself, that Ichi couldn't shake. He'd almost given in that day, almost done
what he'd never done before and after, well, he just assumed that Rye wouldn't ever want to
