It was suffocating.
The fear was suffocating me. Almost like an overprotective parent or possessive boyfriend. Both of which I’ve lived with. I knew what it was like when something controlled your life. Took away your ability to make choices and say no. Took away your basic human right to take a breath without trembling.
I was very familiar with what happens when you have to gasp for breath because your life is suffocating you. Pressing on your chest and robbing you of all your air.
I knew what it felt like to have no control. And fear took it all away from me. Took away my ability to even think straight. I couldn’t even take a damn shower without losing myself to the panic.
And I was so damn sick of it.
“Sweetie?”
Another scream was blocked by my palms when a knock sounded at the bathroom door. I swallowed the rest of my fear and fought hard to keep my voice steady.
“Yes?”
“You okay?”
My mother thought she hid the worry in her voice so well. I loved her for trying but I didn’t think there would come a day I wouldn’t see right through the calmness she tried to perceive. “Fine.” I called out, untangling my limbs and standing back under the water. “Shampoo fell off the ledge.”
“Oh, okay! Do you need anything?”
I needed a lot of things. A good night’s sleep and a face that didn’t scream ghost girl were just a start. But as desperately as she wanted to, she couldn’t give me those things. So I smacked a smile on my face and said, “No! I’m great!”
I didn’t hear anything from her after that, but I knew she was putting new sheets on my bed and taking the old ones to the laundry room. My nightmares happened at least twice a week and everybody liked to pretend it was normal. My mother especially. But I was in no shape to argue her delusion was just that. A delusion. I couldn’t tell her the fear she held of me being taken again was irrational. Because I held all the same fears and delusions.
I dried off quickly, slipping on a thick fleece robe and tying the band around my waist. I took my time brushing out the snow-white hair that went to the middle of my back and slid my feet into a pair of slippers. It appeared as if I were about to go to bed. And though I was nothing but exhausted, I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes.
“Good morning, honey!” My mom plastered her fake calm across her face the moment I opened the bathroom door. “Would you like some breakfast?”
“Mom.” I said, sitting on the edge of my newly made bed. “You can go back to sleep. I know you woke up because you heard the shampoo.”
She made a sound, waving her hand at me. Her eyes went glassy which told me she was about to lie to spare my feelings. “Oh, pish posh. I was just about to make breakfast. Want to help?”
I had nothing better to do. So I stood off my bed and followed her downstairs, working double time to mold a neutral smile on my face.
From an outside perspective, the four of us would look like one happy family. Somebody who didn’t know my situation would look through the large bay window in our dining room and see two doting parents, sharing a nice breakfast with their son and daughter. They’d see the stacks of pancakes and plates of bacon spread out across a mahogany table with matching chairs. They’d see the orange juice my mom had me make fresh and the bowl of fruit I cut up. What they wouldn’t see was the large gap between my brother and I’s chairs because I went into a frenzy when somebody touched me. They wouldn’t hear the strain in my father’s voice when he tried to make conversation with me. The awkward silences would be missed, and they’d only see the perfect picture.
The same picture I liked to see because even though the alternative was the undeniable truth, I couldn’t breathe when I thought too much about it.
“So, Sage, do you wanna watch a movie today? Play some video games?” Brett was the kind of older brother every sister wished they had. He was the brother one would find in a Disney Channel show. He never picked on me too harshly and doted on me the perfect amount. His overprotective persona was never overbearing. And then I got kidnapped, and I could hardly stand the way he tried to shield me. I’d already been to hell and back. What more could he have prevented?
“Sure.” I mumbled, lifting my shoulders in a shrug.
What I really wanted was for him to go hang out with his friends. Go back to college. Ask someone on a date. I wanted him to live life for the both of us. But I knew as long as I was around, still walking with no actual destination, that just wouldn’t happen.
“Sage is going to Dr. Julie today.” My mom reminded him in a tone that was the same one she’d use if she were announcing a trip to the grocery store.
“Cool.” Brett said, chewing on a strip of bacon. “After then.”
I cleared my throat and set down my fork. “Brett, I wouldn’t be upset if you wanted to hang out with your friends.”
“No plans today, sis.” He said easily. “You and me. Super Smash Bros.”
I nodded, pushing pancakes around my plate and excusing myself to go get dressed before my father had a chance to ask me if I’d thought about college and I’d have to entertain the idea that I could handle it.
I was a victim. Through and through. I suffered immeasurable amounts of fear and pain at the hands of Kade Wilson. I took pills for anxiety and spent six hours a week in trauma counseling. I should’ve been allowed a nightmare or two. Should’ve been allowed to break down and chuck something at the wall. But I wasn’t. Because if I crumbled, my whole family would. So I used any strength I had to hold us all up and keep my shit together.
The only time I allowed myself to lose it was in Dr. Julie’s office. She was not permitted to tell my parents about the fears I had or memories that spurred the nightmares. She couldn’t utter a word about the reason why I refused to let someone touch me even though my whole family wondered.
And she could never, ever tell them how I’d often wished it was my blood that filled the hallway that day instead of Trish’s.
5
Sage
Coffee dribbled down Dr. Julie’s chin, a rough cough escaping her chest. “You did what?”
“I left a thank you package.”
She looked at me like I’d grown wings and a horn as she took a Kleenex from the box on her desk and dabbed at her chin. “Sage.”
All she said was my name. She stared at me, lifting her pen to write something on her pad and then setting it back down again. She did that over and over, shaking her head and mumbling to herself.
I thought I’d broken her.
And then she finally spoke.
“Why?”
“Because.” I lay back on the soft couch, pulling my favorite yellow throw pillow to my chest. It was soft, covered in faux fur. If I saw it in a store, I would’ve considered it a monstrosity. But the past eight months, it’s been a piece of sun I could actually reach.
“I wanted to say thank you.”
“For having a hand in saving you?”
“Yeah. If it weren't for them-"
“But you don’t know for sure if it was them, Sage. It was all speculation.”
“Julie, come on!” I huffed, peering at her white ceiling. “Kade was caught because an anonymous tip of his whereabouts was given to the FBI.” I recited it exactly like they did in the courtroom seven months ago when Kade and three of his goons were sentenced to life in prison.
“There is no proof it was Circuit.”
She made a good point. There was no proof at all. Simply speculation. The group of hackers had been assisting the FBI for years. I’m sure the Feds had brains spinning, fighting whether to arrest them or kiss their feet.
Though the decision was taken out of their hands considering nobody knew where the hell Circuit was or how many people were part of it. For all they knew, Circuit could be hundreds of people spread out across the country.
Circuit didn’t want to be found, and they did a damn good job staying hidden.
Finding Specter was absolute luck.
Something I thought I ran out of.
“Sage.” Julie let out a long, deep sigh. “The people inside Circuit are criminals.”
“I spent two years with criminals, Julie.” My voice was hollow, my brain focusing only on my words. The last thing I wanted was to get swept away in memories. “Criminals do not take down drug rings. They participate in them.”
She said nothing for a long time. How the hell was she supposed to argue that? She couldn’t.
“Did it occur to you that Circuit almost ruined your case? The court can’t use evidence that wasn’t obtained in a moral manner. Gaining intel from an illegal organization is not a moral piece of evidence.”
“A moral piece of evidence?” I snorted. I’m positive that’s not what the court called it but I knew what she was saying.
“Kade is gone.” I reminded her. It was no use talking about the technicalities. It was over. Done with.
“And you still can’t be positive it was Circuit.”
“True.” I agreed. “But who else could it have been?”
For that, she had no argument. So we sat in silence for a long while. I turned on my side and scanned her office. I appreciated how hard she tried to make it feel warm and homey. It looked nothing like the offices one would see on TV. The couch I was laying on wasn’t oddly shaped or brown leather. It was gray suede and my body sunk right into it. The chair she sat in was a lavender color with a high back. It was perched behind a wooden coffee table shaped like a sunflower.
Her desk was metal with a glass top. There was not a single drawer in it. I thought maybe she did it because she didn’t want her patients to feel as though she were hiding something.
Instead of stacks of papers and cups of pens, she had photos of her small orange kitten named George, and her husband Derek arranged neatly on her desk.
“Do you wanna talk about your nightmare last night?”
“Nope.”
“Alright.”
I loved Julie because she never pushed me. She accepted my boundaries and my need to process before I talked. Between breakfast and the three-minute car ride it took to get here, I was given zero processing time. My brain didn’t know what the hell happened last night. So how could it have formed words?
She tried again with something new. “How about the package you left?”
“What about it?”
“What’d you leave inside?”
“A few gift cards.” I mumbled. “A note that said thank you.”
Truth was, I had no idea what the hell a group of hackers liked to receive as gifts. So I used the emergency money my parents gave me and bought a bunch of different gift cards. Placing that package outside apartment 905 was the first time in over two years I’d felt like breathing got a little bit easier.
Even if they didn’t use a single one, I’d at least done something for the ones who’d given me back my life.
As tough of a time as I had living it, it was far better than the one I was living before.
“Can we back up this gratitude train?”
I chuckled at her expression, watching with a smirk as she blew a lock of brown hair out of her face and tried to tuck it back into her braid. “Are you telling me you went out to a store on your own, bought several gift cards, and then stepped into an apartment building you weren’t familiar with all to leave a package for a group of people you aren’t even positive helped you?”
I considered her words. “Yes. All of the above is correct.”
She squealed. Her pen went flying and she popped out of her chair, bouncing on her pink ballet flats.
I gawked at her, wondering what the hell she ate for breakfast and where she got the electric blue pencil dress she was wearing.
Not that I had any place to wear one. But still, it was really cute and hugged her curves perfectly.
“Sage!”
I blinked. “Huh?”
She shook her head, a slow smile forming on her lips. “You don’t even realize what you did. Do you?”
“Uhm, expressed gratitude? Just because I spent two years with bad humans doesn’t mean I don’t remember how to be a good one.”
She went quiet, closing her eyes and taking a slow breath.
“What’d I say?” I blurted.
“I’m not sure you realize how mature you sound at times. I often forget you’re only twenty years old.”
“I’ve lived more life than most ninety-year-olds.”
She walked around the coffee table, perching on a flower petal and reached toward me, quickly stopping herself before she took my hand without warning. “I’m proud of you, Sage.”
I cringed. I despised that sentence. There was nothing I did that warranted someone to feel pride when it came to me. I did nothing. Didn’t fight back. Didn’t try to escape. Didn’t try to call for help.
I simply survived.
And that’s something people do every damn day.
“Sage-"
“Thank you.” I clipped out. “For being proud.”
“You don’t believe you deserve it.” It wasn’t a question. “One day you will.”
“K.”
She sighed, but stayed up close and personal with my bubble of space. “Can we talk about you leaving the gift again?”
“Why?”
“Because you aren’t seeing what I am.”
“Then could you enlighten me, please?”
She chuckled at me. “Sage, you left your house alone and went to a building you weren’t familiar with. For the first time since you’ve been home, you did something on your own without feeling fear.”
I blinked. And then I did it again. And again until tears were rolling down my face as I considered her words.
“Why the tears, Sage?”
“I don’t know.” I gasped out, clutching my sunshine pillow to my chest. “I don’t know.”
“Think about it.”
So I did. I laid there and swiped at my tears, trying to understand why they were dripping down my face until only one word came to mind.
“Relief.”
“You’re relieved?”
“Yeah.” I sniffed. “Because I did something without my father or brother acting as my bodyguard. I feel less broken.” I admitted, weight sliding off my shoulders. It was only a small amount, but enough for me to notice the difference. “I did something on my own and I didn’t freak out once.”
“Do you know why?”
“No.” I snorted, wiping my face. “Of course not. I’m just relieved I’m not damaged like I thought I’d be forever.”
“You aren’t damaged forever, Sage. You’re healing.” She corrected. “And it can happen in several ways. I think maybe you taking the package to Circuit gave you a purpose. Something you haven’t felt like you had in a while. You had a mission and a thank you to deliver. There was no room in your mind for fear.”
“Why?”
There was always, always room in my mind for fear. I could not fathom how it escaped me for even a minute let alone the thirty minutes it took me to buy the gift and get to Specter’s door.
“Because Circuit is filled with people who saved you. Not hurt you.”
I considered her words. I wasn’t sure if there was truth behind them, but I also couldn’t argue. Julie was right. There wasn’t an ounce of fear when I stepped off the elevator and squatted down to leave my thank you on a welcome mat. I don’t know what that said about my brain or how it heals. But I wasn’t sure it was a bad thing.
Julie wasn’t convinced it was Circuit who took down Kade. But I knew it was them. I just had this feeling. It was deep in my bones. Was just as burned into me as the fear was.
And for a moment, it was stronger. And for that reason, I had to keep chasing it.
“I think I’m gonna leave another.” I declared.
“Okay.” She nodded, studying my face. I wasn’t sure what she saw there but I hoped it wasn’t fear. “Can I ask something?”
“Sure.”
“How did you m
anage to find a man who works for an organization so top secret the FBI can’t locate them?”
A smirk unfolded across my face. I looked her in her wide eyes and told her the absolute truth. “Luck.”
6
Wren
There was a song from 1984 my father used to listen to on repeat and try to do the moonwalk. No, it was not a Michael Jackson song. It was by some dude who called himself Rockwell. I wasn’t even sure if the dude had another song or was famous for just the one. Even so, I couldn’t get the damn words out of my head. Eighties music wasn’t normally my thing, but I couldn’t remember a time I’d resonated with the words of a song so much.
I always feel like somebody’s watching me.
And I have no privacy.
For the first time since I accepted the position at SevTeck, I found myself feeling grateful I didn’t ever do a damn thing. I would’ve been entirely useless. My brain was scrambled, and I was distracted. I could think of nothing but those lyrics and the haunting feeling that snaked through my bones and up my spine each time I found something new outside my door. I’d gotten four more packages in fourteen days. Each time my blood hammered in my veins and I thought I might explode.
Not of fear.
I was going to explode from the unknown. I despised that this person knew not only my full name and my address, but who I was and what I did at Circuit. It made me want to hurl. They knew something about me I went to great lengths to hide. And they could use it any damn time they wanted. It terrified me and pissed me off all the same. They knew all about me and I knew nothing about them.
It drove me fucking mad.
I was the hacker for shit’s sake! I was the one that was supposed to have access to people’s personal lives. If I knew the person’s first name, I’d be able to print out their phone records, when their last cavity was, and if they’re due for an oil change.
Specter: Circuit Series Book One Page 4
