“My mom and I made a whole bunch yesterday.”
“What’s zucchini bread?” Ace’s head popped over the back of the couch.
“It’s exactly what it sounds like, dude.” Wren chuckled. “Zucchini inside bread.”
That wasn’t how I would’ve described it but the look on Ace’s face was pretty funny. His lips pursed and he reared backward. “Vegetables in bread? Ew.”
“Don’t be a dick!” Wren flipped him off. “Sage made this! It’s her favorite.”
“It’s okay.” I thought the way Wren defended my vegetable bread was very sweet. “It does sound gross, Ace. But it’s really good.”
“I’ll try anything once, phantom girl.” Ace winked and fell back onto the couch.
I watched Wren’s eyes roll as he led me across the room and into the kitchen. It was much smaller than the one I had at home, but it was beautiful all the same. Stainless steel appliances all around with granite countertops and a double-decker oven.
A girl could make a lot of bread in that oven.
“Have a seat if you want.” Wren gestured to a wooden stool with a leather cushion and a high back. He came around the counter, grabbing three plates from a cabinet above the stove. I unwrapped the already sliced bread, placing a piece on each of the plates.
Bringing Wren gifts had started as something that gave me a purpose. A small thing I could add to my list of why the sun had to rise every morning. But now I seemed to care less about giving gifts and more about being around him.
And that realization was what made me smile for the first time in a long time. And by the look on his face last week, the painting wasn’t the only gift I’d given him that day. Even now, his smile seemed permanently molded to his cheeks.
My own grew when he bit into his bread and groaned like he’d just tasted ice cream for the first time.
“Ace!” Crumbs went flying when he talked with his mouth full. “Get in here! This doesn’t taste like crappy vegetables!”
There was a thud I assumed was Ace flopping off the couch. His hair flew behind him as he slid into the kitchen on his socks. He eyed a full slice on a plate and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth.
Wren smacked him on the back of the head. “You have no manners, bro.”
“Me?” There were giant bulges of bread packed in Ace’s cheeks as he tried to talk. “You just spit crumbs everywhere!”
“You two remind me of my brother. Brett once put two slices of pizza on top of each other and shoved the whole thing in his mouth. My mother was disgusted.”
“Disgusting my mother is one of my many talents, phantom girl.” Ace quipped.
I tilted my head, watching as they stuffed their faces. “How come you keep calling me phantom girl?”
They both went still. Ace began to chew really slowly while Wren seemed to choke on what was left of his slice. He flipped on his faucet and stuck his head directly under the stream. Once he was done sputtering, he faced me and wiped his mouth.
“When gifts started arriving at my doorstep, I referred to you as my phantom friend. Ya know, always around but never caught or seen? When I saw you on a security camera, you were upgraded from phantom friend to phantom girl.”
“Yeah but you were extra phantomy.” Ace blurted. “'Cause how did you even know where Wren lived?”
Wren’s eyes shot up like he hadn’t considered that.
“Because Lilah Wilder owns a million dollar company.” I shrugged. “Once Wren said her first name, I peeked at the doctor’s chart and got the last one on my way out the door. Google basically told me everything I needed to know.”
“Google has my address?” Wren spat. “What the hell? I need to take that down immediately.”
“Google doesn’t have your address.” I reassured quickly. “I called Lilah’s office and made up a story about how I was trying to RSVP to an event and lost her address. Some guy named Hal told me what building you lived in and the name of the dude who works in the lobby. All I did was wait until I saw her walk in, and then I followed her and memorized the numbers on the door.
“Fucking Craig!” Wren scowled. “Who gives out people’s addresses?”
“It was Hal.”
“Same person.” He grumped. “What a moron.”
“He didn’t give me the address. Just the building.”
“Hold up!” Ace raised both hands in the air. “How did you know Wren lived here too?”
“I didn’t. I just assumed based on him being the one that was around to escort her to the hospital they lived together or near each other.” My smirk could not be contained. “I also hoped she would give the gift to you if you didn’t actually live here.”
“You put a lot of faith in a conversation that happened behind a curtain, phantom girl.”
I shrugged. “The universe owed me one.”
They both went silent, Wren smiling at me and Ace looking dumbstruck. After a beat, they went back to the food.
What a couple of goons they were. I hadn’t watched anyone have as much unrestrained fun in such an extensive amount of time. I knew if I’d mentioned it, they’d say they weren’t having fun.
It was just their daily life, and I’d almost forgotten what it looked like. The way they kept swatting each other’s hands to get to the dish first and pointing at the way crumbs were all over their respective chins was foreign to me. But like all things involving Wren, the unknown did not scare me.
It intrigued me.
Neither of them held any reservations or insecurities. It appeared as though they felt free enough to act however they wanted. I wasn’t sure when or if I’d ever get back to that. So I folded my hands on my lap and attempted to live vicariously through them.
“So did you guys have plans to hang out?” Ace mumbled. “'Cause I could leave.”
“You weren’t even invited in the first place, dude.” Wren cracked.
“I don’t need to be invited when I have a key.”
“I did not give you that key. You made it.”
“I made it for emergencies.”
Wren looked around his apartment, eyebrows raising. “I don’t see any emergencies.”
“You should stay, Ace.” The last thing I wanted to do was kick him out of a place that obviously felt like a second home to him.
I felt a twinge of jealousy inside me. I didn’t even have one place that felt like home anymore.
“It’s cool, phantom girl. I can finish my free food and scoot.”
“No, really.” I plastered a smile on my face. “Stay. You can watch me beat Wren at Super Smash.”
Ace whistled. “Girl, Wren grew up with two friends. Me and his game console.”
Wren looked horrified at that statement. Me? I smiled because I could relate. The gamer girl in me was reduced to my GameCube and various games by Nintendo, but give me a controller and I was one that could not be reckoned with.
I drove Trish nuts because I never let her win.
My obsession was made evident when I brought my GameCube for show and tell in the fourth grade and dressed as Princess Peach.
Something Brett has never let me live down. Back when he teased me anyway.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I think I’m pretty good.”
“Yeah, but you had two years without practicing, right?”
The second the words left Ace’s mouth, he looked mortified. It would’ve been clear to anyone across the country he regretted the sentence the second it was out there.
Wren’s gaze went to stone, flashing Ace a look I’d consider venomous if I didn’t spend almost two years looking into the deadliest eyes of them all.
“I’m so sorry!” Ace blurted, his face paling to a shade lighter than mine. “Oh God, Sage. I’m sorry. That was so inappropriate. I’m a total dick.”
“It was.” I nod. “It was totally inappropriate.”
I think they were both expecting me to take off running. Or break down like I did in the hallway that day. With my track record
, I did not blame them.
I shocked both of them by lifting my lips in a small smile. “But I liked it.”
“I’m sorry... what?” Wren blurted. “Because I will totally put a dead fish in his car and let that thing rot.”
Something inside me grabbed hold of his words and held tightly to the way his threat did not involve violence.
“Man, come on!” Ace groaned. “I’m sorry, okay?”
There was no way one could look at Ace and not see how upset he was with himself. His energy plummeted to the lowest level possible while his normally wild eyes went sad.
“Ace, it’s okay.” I told him honestly. “It was a bit inappropriate, and my counselor would probably scold you, but I don’t mind at all.”
He lifted his head. “Why not?”
“Dude, really?” Wren growled. He was trying really hard to be a grizzly bear, but all I saw was a cuddly red panda bear. “Stop.”
“It’s fine, Wren. It’s kind of nice. Since I’ve been home, my parents and Brett don’t speak to me unless their words are calculated and perfected in their heads first. They tiptoe around me, and I get why they do it. They don’t want to upset me, but sometimes it feels like I’m a wild animal at the zoo or something, ya know?”
“No.” Ace blurted. “I do not know at all.”
“I think I do.” Wren leaned forward, elbows on the counter and gaze meeting mine. “Your house is your cage, yeah? And every time somebody goes inside a cage with a wild animal, they act a certain way. And you’re looking through the glass, watching the way people interact in the wild and remember what it’s like.”
He got it in one.
I gazed into a pair of green eyes and wondered what’s held behind them. What’s in his brain? His mind? His soul? How is he capable of reading my mind and showing such empathy for a once in a lifetime situation?
“Exactly. My family turned their life upside down for me, and it’s hard to know that even though I’m home it’s not going back to how it was.”
“Sage, you do understand that it isn’t your fault, right?”
I nodded weakly and looked down at my lap, picking at my nails. From the moment I met Julie, she’d been working on getting through my stubborn head that it wasn’t my fault my parents and brother struggled with my disappearance. But even though I didn’t ask to spend sixteen months in hell, I still did. That was me, and I didn’t like knowing my reluctance to fight back caused so much pain and fear.
“Yeah, but if I were stronger then they might not worry so much.”
“Sunshine, why do you think you aren’t strong?”
I pressed my palms to my eyes and used my hair as a shield. The guilt and the fear and the unfamiliar comfort was so much to process. I knew by the burning in my eyes and the tightness in my chest I was not equipped to handle any of it.
Memories flew to the surface in an instant. I whimpered at the sight of Trish’s blood and held back a scream when fabric was pulled over my head so tightly, I could barely breathe as I thrashed my legs and flailed my body.
I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, trying to mask darkness with darkness. It didn’t work. I breathed roughly and tried to find my happy place. Why did I ever start talking about that in the first place? Why did I even come here? Why didn’t I just stay in my bed all damn day? And why can’t I find my God damn happy place?
“Sage! Hey, look at me. It’s okay.”
Oh. That was why. I dropped my hands to my lap, lifting my head and finding my happy place.
“Hey.” He grinned like I didn’t have tears stuck to my cheeks. “There you are.”
A paper towel was thrust at my face. Ace looked mildly uncomfortable and massively helpless. “Are you okay, phantom girl?”
“Dude, really?” Wren gawked at him. “A paper towel? That is scratchy! Go get her a Kleenex!”
“You don’t have Kleenex!”
“Lilah does in her room.”
Ace shook his head. “No way, man. I can’t go in there.”
“We are grown ass men, Ace! She won’t cut off your hair in your sleep if you go into her room.”
“It’s fine. This works great.” I took the paper towel and wiped under my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Whatever the hell that was.” I shrugged. “That’s what I meant about not being strong. I can’t talk about anything with anyone other than Julie. She thinks it’ll help my family to know some details but I don’t. Telling them would only hurt me by remembering and hurt them by hearing it. So, why do it? It’s just a fucked up cycle of pain and bullshit memories.”
“You don’t think telling them would ease your burden?”
“Hell no.” I looked at Wren as if he just guzzled crazy juice. “I would be on edge the whole time, worried about their reaction and what they’ll think of me. The thought of reliving any of my past for them makes me wanna hurl. But Julie thinks I need to confide in someone that isn’t her. So whatever. I don’t know how to help myself.”
“Who is Julie, Sunshine? A friend?”
“My counselor.”
“Like a therapist?” Ace blurted, earning another growl from Wren.
“Exactly like a therapist.” I smiled. “I was pretty adamant I didn’t need a therapist when I first went to her. She told me to think of herself as a counselor. Like we had in school when we got bullied. It sounds dumb now but it helped.”
“Nothing that helped you is dumb, Sage.” The intensity in Wren’s voice could not be missed.
“And think of this, phantom girl. You just shared some stuff with us and now we can go play some Super Smash to make you feel better. That counts for something, right?”
The fact that I was even here, talking this much and conversing with people who were virtually strangers, didn’t just count for something. It counted for a full list of things. I fully expected Julie to fall from her chair when I told her everything I’d revealed to Wren and Ace. It didn’t seem like much, but telling them about my insecurities and worries about my family was like dropping a can of beans on the floor. Everything spilled out. My problem was, I had a lot of cans to drop before I was ever in a place where I could consider my past and not go into shut down mode.
This moment wasn’t that moment. Julie would say this moment was a moment for me to be proud of what I’ve done and try for more another time.
I slid off my stool and ended the conversation by walking into the living room area. I was gonna celebrate my moment with my human sunshine, his best friend, and Princess Peach.
16
Sage
She was all sorts of giddy. She could do absolutely nothing to contain her smile, and I knew she was only seconds from squealing in delight. I wasn’t sure how old Julie was. Older than me by at least ten years, but she often acted like a sixteen-year-old when it came to me and my so-called successes.
“So, you and Wren have been hanging out?” She did her best to act neutral but it was such a failed effort. She was losing so bad, I didn’t even want to give her a participation ribbon.
“Yeah, every Monday and Wednesday for the last two weeks.”
“And why am I just now hearing about it?”
I shrugged. “Didn’t want to tell you.”
“You didn’t want to tell me or you hesitated because you thought something would go wrong and it would be taken from you?”
Damn.
“Why do you have to ask all the hard questions, huh?” I laid down on my back, gazing at the ceiling with my sunshine pillow on my chest. “Can’t you just keep freaking out like a mom who’s kid just made their first friend?”
“I’m not freaking out, Sage. I’m expressing excitement. I’m obscenely proud of you.”
“You are?” I turned my head, shifting my gaze from the ceiling to her. She set her notepad on her lap and crossed her legs. She looked fabulous, as always, in a pair of navy blue high-waisted trousers that flared at her ankles and a tight white blouse. “Why?”
&nbs
p; “Because you’ve been reluctant to get close to anyone since you’ve been home. And you’ve not only found a friend, you’ve found someone you’ve slowly been opening up to.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m opening up to him. We play video games and Monopoly. We don’t braid each other's hair and tell secrets.”
“Yet, you’ve told Wren more than you’ve ever told anybody.”
I shrugged and refused to make my time with Wren a big deal. I wasn’t ready to admit to her or even myself that the time I’ve spent with Wren is a big deal. Admitting it means analyzing it and asking all the questions that require all the hard answers. I was not ready to do that. What happens when a question led me to an answer I did not like?
"Do your parents know you've been visiting Wren?"
"Nope. The American Girl Doll method works wonders."
She sighed. "Sage, I do not agree with that."
"I do not care. It works for me right now. I don't want them to ask questions or worry them. I'll tell them eventually."
"And what will you tell them?"
I shrugged. "Don't know."
“You seem reluctant to talk about Wren.”
“Gee. Good observation.”
“And now you’re being defensive.”
“Julie, I just don’t want to discuss him.”
“Why?”
She was not going to let this go. No matter how much I avoided it. No matter how good I’d become at deflecting, she would keep pressing, going around in circles until I cracked.
It wasn’t something she normally did. And that told me this was already a big deal.
“Because I enjoy spending time with Wren. And then you’re gonna start in with “why this” and “why that” and then I’ll overthink everything and come up with some scenarios where I’m crazy and can no longer be his friend.”
She nodded, shifting in her seat. It angered me that she seemed to read me impeccably though I would never know what her current expression meant. “How about I just ask you one question that I believe is important?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“What is it that made you keep going back?”
“What do you mean?”
Specter: Circuit Series Book One Page 13
